33. Your Actions Said We Could Have Had Forever
Your Actions Said We Could Have Had Forever
Nick
‘Don’t you need to get back to work?’ Doug asks as he drops down into the chair next to mine in front of my cabin. I’ve been here for a week now, fixing up the place and, well, if I’m completely honest with myself, hiding.
‘Nah, Lance owes me after taking all of Christmas off to go to Bali. He’s got it.’
‘You can’t hide out here forever, man.’
I stare out at the lake. Can’t I? I have everything I need: a roof over my head, running water, and a working generator, thanks to Doug. Plenty of firewood and plenty of fish to be caught.
‘Stop trying to figure out if you can — you can’t. You fucked up, but you need to face it.’
‘I’m not hiding. I’ve been fixing this place up before summer comes, you know that,’ I answer defensively.
‘It’s barely even spring, Nick. There was no rush.’ He releases a deep sigh. ‘Look, I get it. Before Cara and I got it together, running when shit got tough was my specialty. I’d pack up my tent and head out somewhere with no cell reception, but the shit doesn’t go away — it waits for you to get back and clean it up.’
‘I can’t face her,’ I admit with a shake of my head. ‘I hate myself for making her feel so betrayed. How am I supposed to just go back to living next door to her now?’
‘You apologize and suck it up, she’ll either forgive you or she won’t.’
He says that like it won’t wreck me if she doesn’t.
Unlike his hiding places, this one has cell reception, but it makes no difference. I tried to call her, and I texted her to apologize, but nothing. I was tempted to keep trying, but I know Missy — the more I push, the more she’ll pull away.
I hadn’t considered how it would seem to her. In my mind, I had made a call so that I could be close to her, but when she laid it all out, it wasn’t a good look.
You lied to fuck me .
I did. It wasn’t the driving force — that was me being more into her than I’ve been into anyone and not wanting to risk her walking away, but the black and white of it is in that moment, I lied so that we could have sex again, and keep on having it.
‘I’m an idiot.’
I lean forward, my head falling into my hands, and Doug’s massive hand lands on my shoulder blade.
‘Yeah, but in your defense, love makes fools of all of us.’ His words make me inhale as he stands. ‘I need to get back for Bo. You going to be okay?’
‘Yeah, I’m good. Thanks, man.’
He packs up his tools and heads for his truck, leaving me with my thoughts. Love makes fools of all of us… love . Is that what this is?
Locking up the cabin, I take one last look out at the lake before climbing into my car.
When I got the keys from my mom, I headed up here, and it was heartbreaking to see the state of disrepair it had fallen into. I called Doug out here to see what was needed to fix it up, and we made a plan. When I blew my life to shreds, the plan got expedited somewhat on account of me deciding to hole up here out of her way.
Now, as I head back to town, the cabin looks better than it ever did. I could live here happily, and if Missy truly hates me, I might do just that. For now, though, I have to get back to work, and I need to face her.
A week and a half, that’s how long it’s been since I watched her walk away from me, and now, as I park my car and climb out, I’m faced with the opposite — she’s walking my way, and she hasn’t realized it yet. I don’t know what to do. Do I stand and wait? Get back in my car? Walk the other way? I’m still trying to decide when her eyes lock with mine, and she stops, glaring at me for just a moment, before continuing in my direction.
‘Missy,’ I start, but she walks straight past me. I might as well have not been standing there. She made a choice to make me invisible in that moment, and damn, she followed through.
Leaning back against my car, I hang my head; she’s never forgiving me.
Three weeks. I have to hand it to her, she’s got staying power.
I knew she was mad at me. I was mad at me but living and working next door to each other and sharing the same friends, I thought she’d at least be able to say good morning to me in the hallway, but nope, nothing. She stays completely silent if we happen to be in the same place at the same time and doesn’t look at me — I’m not even there as far as she’s concerned.
I’ve tried. It’s embarrassing how much I’ve tried. I’ve said hello in the hallway. I’ve tried to talk to her in the diner, the general store, the bar, even at Doug’s house, but she just turns and walks the other way unless Jonah is with her. The kid’s feelings toward me haven’t changed, and fuck if that doesn’t feel good. He runs and hugs me if he sees me, which, I suspect, is why Missy seems to have been taking him out earlier in the morning and taking him out after school. She can’t avoid me when her kid acts like my best friend, so she just prevents us from seeing each other .
I thought if I went into the shop, she would talk to me if only to be professional in front of her customers, but I was wrong. She saw me approaching and turned the sign on the door to closed.
On the first morning of the fourth week of Missy hating my guts, I open my door to hear her grunt in frustration and bang her hand against hers.
‘Fuck,’ she hisses, and I freeze.
‘Miss, you okay?’ She ignores me and releases a sigh. ‘Missy,’
‘No, I’m not okay,’ she snaps, her voice dripping with disdain, but it’s her voice, and I’ve fucking missed that. ‘I locked myself out.’
There’s a tremble in her tone, and I take a tentative step closer as she turns and looks in my eyes, and my heart stops. She doesn’t look mad as her gaze finds mine — she looks hurt.
‘Where’s Jonah?’ I worry that he’s locked inside alone, but she shakes her head.
‘Not in there.’
I release a breath of relief. ‘Missy, let me help.’
‘No.’
‘Miss.’
‘No, I’ll call Doug.’
‘You know they’re out of town this week. ’
‘ Shit . Okay, well, I’ll call Buck then.’ She reaches back to the pocket of her jeans and closes her eyes. ‘ Fuck .’
She doesn’t need to tell me she also locked her phone inside. I see that in her expression.
‘Missy, stop being so stubborn. I’m right here.’
She laughs, but it lacks any real amusement, and it cuts me. I miss all the times I’ve heard her laugh — made her laugh.
‘You are a piece of work.’ Her words are muttered, but I hear them loud and clear.
‘Look, you hate me. I get it, but I can help you. In fact, I think I have a spare key somewhere. Let me check.’
‘Excuse me?’
Oh, okay, now she looks mad.
‘ Um .’ Retreat Nicholas, fall back.
‘You have a key to my apartment.’
‘Somewhere, yeah, I think so, from when it was empty. Unless you changed the locks.’
‘Are you kidding me right now?’ She glares, and my hackles rise. What does she think I’ve been doing with it?
‘I haven’t used it. Jesus , it was just while the place was empty in case of emergency. I’m not even sure I know where it is.’ She laughs that humorless laugh again, and fuck it, now I’m mad. ‘Do you think I’m sneaking into your place and sniffing your panties or something? Fuck, Miss, you know me better than that.’
‘I don’t know you at all, Nick. You aren’t somebody I trust, so who knows what the hell you use it for? I want that key and all copies of it.’
Now I laugh. ‘I don’t have copies, Missy.’
Heading back into my apartment, I make my way straight to my junk cabinet and pull out the drawer, muttering to myself about her insinuations. Does she really think that fucking low of me? Well, fuck that. I resent her accusatory words, and I resent that look in her eyes.
Rifling through the trinkets, letters, and photographs thrown in the drawer, out of sight, I finally lay my hand on the key, a nondescript yellow key chain hanging off it, and I stomp back to the door. She glares at me as I step into the hallway and throw her the key, watching as she catches it with one hand and without taking her eyes off me.
‘The rest?’
‘There are no others,’ I snap as I start to pass her, then I stop. ‘You’re a real hypocrite, you know that?’
‘Excuse me?’
‘You act like my words were the only dishonest ones.’
‘They were.’ We turn to glare at each other. ‘I was honest with you from the start.’
I laugh. ‘You weren’t even honest with yourself.’ I see her bristle and take a slight step back, but I think fuck it, as we seem to be back to square one, I don’t need to hold anything back. ‘You’re pissed with me because I lied to keep you close. Not to fuck you, Missy, I said what I said because I wanted you in my life. I was scared of you walking away, and I know I fucked up. You told yourself and me, and everybody fuckin’ else, that you didn’t want a relationship, that we were just casual, nothin’ serious, just sex, but that was a lie, Miss. We were in a relationship from the first time we kissed, right there.’ I point to the wall behind her and notice the flush of pink on her cheeks. ‘You can make me the bad guy all you want but don’t act like you were innocent in this. Your words might have said casual, but your actions said we could have had forever. Maybe we should have stuck with hating each other.’
She doesn’t say anymore as I turn and walk away. I guess we’re done.