Chapter 16 #4
“Because I can’t,” I responded, making a great effort to hold back tears.
“You can’t or you don’t want to? Don’t you feel anything for me?” he asked, confusing me even more.
It was clear that I couldn’t leave without giving him an explanation. I had to tell him the truth; I had no reason to lie to him. Besides, I was sure it was the only way for him to understand that it was the right decision.
“Tell me what’s happening. Why don’t you want to be with me?” he insisted.
“I didn’t say that. I suppose when you say see what happens you’re referring to a future together.”
“I’m referring to a future where we can form a family with Aurora and the children that we have together.”
What he was proposing was what I wanted most, but unfortunately it wouldn’t be possible. The sadness was so great that all my efforts not to cry were fruitless, and tears began to silently run down my cheeks.
“What’s wrong, Devon? Why are you getting like this?” he asked, his face marked with concern, while with extreme gentleness he wiped my tears with his fingers.
My legs weren't going to support me much longer, so I went to the bed and sat down, using my clothes to cover my body because at that moment nudity felt uncomfortable and made me feel even more vulnerable.
William sat beside me, looking at me with concern and.
.. fear? I don't know, but I can swear he seemed scared.
“And that's what you deserve, but I can't offer you what you want. I will never be able to give you what you dream of.”
“Are you talking about feelings? Do you think you can't love or that you can't love me?”
“No, to all your questions,” I stated, looking at him with sadness.
“Nobody has control over that emotion; even if I tried, I know I can't manage it.
We were naive when we established the no falling in love rule.
As if we had powers to prevent it—nobody escapes that feeling, no matter how much willpower they have.
It's beyond our understanding and judgment.” I sighed wearily.
“Although I really enjoy being with you and, right now, there's nothing I want more, I can't be selfish.
I have to be honest with you. I can't give you the family you desire, and the right thing is to spare us greater suffering.”
“I still don't understand. Why can't you?”
“Because I can't have children. I will never be able to give you the family that you and Aurora deserve.
You see, I'm not the woman with whom you can plan a future.
I'm just the woman for your first proposal, a woman for an adventure, nothing more.
I've already been abandoned for that reason, and I don't want to go through that again.
It's better to stop this before it's too late.
I'm sorry, William. I hope you'll be happy because you deserve it, just as Aurora deserves a big family,” I said, with a broken voice, and without giving him time for anything, I stood up, got dressed quickly, and left the bedroom with a shattered heart, remembering William's lost gaze.
It was the farewell to my two loves, William and Aurora.
I no longer denied it—I loved William like I had never loved before, and I cared for Aurora with all my heart.
I didn't know what a mother feels for her child because I hadn't had and would never have the chance to experience it, but what I felt for that little girl must be pretty close because I would give my life for her.
I reached my car, collapsed into the driver's seat and, without strength, started it and drove away.
I was sinking deeper and deeper into a chilling anguish.
I passed through the gates of that house feeling like hopelessness was strangling me.
In that moment when I was alone again, I could give free rein to my tears.
I felt helpless. I drove several blocks until tears prevented me from continuing.
I parked, rested my head on the steering wheel, and cried bitterly.
I don't know how long I stayed like that.
When I realized I needed to continue on my way, I couldn't do it.
I had no strength left. I didn't like bothering anyone, and asking for help was my Achilles' heel, but I had reached my limit—I was exhausted from battling alone.
I took my phone to call Orson because I knew Sylvia was working the night shift that day. My friend answered immediately.
“Hello, beautiful. Can't sleep?”
I couldn't answer. I felt a huge knot in my throat that prevented me from speaking and was choking me.
“Devon? What's happening? Where are you?”
“Can you come get me? Please,” I said, making a great effort.
“Where are you? What's happening to you?” he asked, with desperation in his voice.
I made an even greater effort because I didn't want to worry him any more.
“I don't know exactly where I am. I just left William's house and drove several blocks, but I have no idea where I am. I can't drive, Orson. My body won't stop shaking,” I said, sobbing.
“What did that son of a bitch do to you? I'm going to beat the crap out of him!” he exclaimed, furiously.
“He didn't do anything to me. It's just that...” I couldn't continue. “Can you come get me?”
“I'm leaving now. If you don't know the street names, send me your real-time location on WhatsApp. Are you in your car?”
“Yes.”
“Don't get out of the car. I'm calling a taxi right now to come get you. We'll go to my place and you'll stay with me.”
“Thank you, Orson,” I said, while sending him my location.
“Wait for me a few minutes. I have your location; you're not that far.”
A few minutes later, Orson was with me. He didn't say anything, he helped me out of the car and gave me a tight, firm hug.
It was a hug not only given with heart, but it was a compassionate hug, the kind of hug that gives hope.
After a few minutes, he had me switch to the passenger seat so he could sit in the driver's seat.
“We're going to my place,” he stated, as he put the car in motion.
“That's fine. Thank you for everything you do for me.”
“You don't have to thank me. You're like my sister; there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. And when we get home, you're going to tell me what happened. If that guy hurt you, he won't have a single bone left intact.”
“He didn't do anything to me, really.”
We made the rest of the trip in silence. We weren't far from where Orson lived, so the journey was short. At his house, he took out two small bottles of beer, brought me one, and we sat in the backyard by the pool.
“Tell me what happened.”
I exhaled and began my story, giving him a summary of what had happened that night. Orson didn't interrupt me at any point, he just listened with silent attention without his face revealing anything, disguising his reactions to comments that I knew he wouldn't like.
Telling him helped me put my thoughts in order a bit and calm down.
“You see that William isn't to blame for anything. On the contrary, he proposed the kind of relationship that you all wanted. I'm the one who can't give him what he needs.”
“Leaving aside the stupid things you're saying, which we'll talk about later, I want to know what he did when you told him you couldn't give him what he wanted.”
“He didn't do anything. What was he going to do?” I said, shrugging my shoulders.
“Follow you?”
“He didn't follow me, but that was appropriate. Why would he follow me?”
“To tell you he was in love with you,” he stated, without a hint of humor.
“He doesn't love me, I'm sure of that. I've been thinking about it a lot, and I believe he proposed that relationship because he likes my relationship with his daughter.
I think he thought that if we got along, I could become the female figure that Aurora needs.
I don't deny that he likes being with me, but he's not in love.”
“And you?” he asked, maintaining his seriousness.
“I love him,” I affirmed, without any doubt.
“I thought as much,” he said, shaking his head. “Now, back to Cavaller. I don't deny that what you're saying isn't far-fetched, but I suspect he also feels something for you, although it pisses me off that he didn't follow you to prevent you from leaving.”
“You see he doesn't love me. If he did, I think he wouldn't care that I couldn't give him children. But he's looking for a family where he can give siblings to Aurora, and I think he's right, and it's what they both deserve.”
“And you?”
“Me what?” I asked, not understanding what he was getting at.
“How are you?” he asked, putting his beer bottle on the floor and taking my hands in his.
“I can endure these invisible blows to the body, blows that go straight to the heart and soul.
I'm not going to waste my time looking for a solution to something that doesn't have one, I'm clear about that, my friend.
Surely, for him I was just an adventure, but for me, it meant everything.
But I've already cried for what's over, it's done.
Tomorrow will be another day, and we'll face it with our heads held high.”
Orson looked at me for several seconds in silence. He was the one who broke it.
“Do you have more days off?”
“Yes, several more days. I was thinking of...”
“Let's go on a trip. Where would you like to go?”
I looked at him, surprised.
“Are you on leave?”
“I can take a few days off. In fact, I've been urgently needing them for some time now. Where shall we go?” he insisted.
“We don't need to travel. If you want, we can go to my apartment in Punta del Este. We could go to the beach and rest.”
“Perfect. We'll leave tomorrow,” he stated, and I looked at him and nodded. “Let's go to bed so we can get up early tomorrow and leave right away.”
“I need to pick up some clothes.”
“We'll do that tomorrow before we leave. Let's go to sleep, beautiful,” he said, standing up and stretching out his hand for me to take.
We walked arm in arm to the bedrooms. I had stayed there several times before and always used the room next to Orson's bedroom.
“Let me know if you need anything,” he said, giving me a tight hug.
“I'm going to take a shower. Can you lend me a T-shirt to sleep in?” I asked.
“Yes, of course. Get in the shower and I'll leave it on the bed. I'm going to bed because I'm exhausted.”
“Good night, handsome. Thanks for everything.” And this time it was me who wrapped my arms around him to give him a tight hug.
“Stop thanking me. What wouldn't I do for you, beautiful?” he said, giving me a kiss on the head.
“Don't say those things because I'll start crying again.”
“Go take your shower,” he said, pushing me to enter the bedroom.
After a long, restorative shower, I got into bed.
It took me a while to fall asleep. I was thinking not only about William but also about Aurora.
I wouldn't see them again. I hoped not to cause emotional suffering to the little one, although I knew she would probably miss me a bit.
I trusted that her father would help her cope by giving her security and letting her express her emotions.
Even the most difficult emotions weren't eternal, so she would end up forgetting me, just like her father would.
Thinking about that made me feel a sharp stab in my chest, but it was my reality and I had to accept it.
After tossing and turning in bed, though considerably less than my mind was turning, sleep finally overcame me.