Chapter 17
“It is when separating that one feels and understands the strength with which one loves.”
—Fyodor Dostoevsky
William
I heard when the front door of the house opened and closed.
I could also hear the engine of Devon’s car starting and driving away.
I don’t know what was happening to me, but I couldn’t move, I was still sitting on my bed staring at nothing.
The news she had given me had astonished me greatly and had caused a tremendous impact.
I was still processing it. Devon couldn’t be a mother and for that reason she didn’t aspire to form a family.
Had she said that her husband had left her for that reason? That enormous son of a bitch didn’t deserve a woman like her.
Wait a minute... but I had let her go without saying anything. She was probably thinking that I had done the same thing, that upon finding out I was pushing her out of my life because she couldn’t give me what I wanted, in fact, she had said it literally.
I got up as if propelled by a spring. I had to go after Devon and make it clear to her that it didn’t matter to me. How could I have been so stupid to let her leave thinking such a terrible thing?
I got dressed as quickly as I could and headed to her apartment.
I needed to talk to her and repair the damage I had done; I had to convey what really mattered to me: her.
On the way I kept thinking about everything she had told me.
At that moment I could understand her pain and the fact that she didn’t want anything to do with relationships, much less marriages.
Her husband had left her because of her inability to conceive a child.
Just thinking about it filled me with fury.
And she was so magnificent that she had put what she thought were my desires first and was walking away so that I could fulfill them.
I would never forget the serene pain reflected in her eyes when she shared her story.
I arrived at her building and got out of the car hurriedly, I think I even parked the car in a place where I shouldn’t have, but I didn’t care. The doorman saw me and approached to open the door for me, but he had barely taken a step when his voice stopped me.
“The doctor isn’t here.”
“Hasn’t she arrived?” I asked, feeling a pang of disappointment so unfamiliar to me.
“She left several hours ago, but hasn’t returned yet.”
For a second I suspected that she might have told him to tell me that to avoid seeing me, but I immediately dismissed it. Devon couldn’t imagine that I would go after her, she was probably thinking that I was just like her ex-husband, a huge son of a bitch who had pushed her away.
“Fine, good night,” I said, turned and headed toward my car, furious with myself for having been so stupid to have allowed her to leave my house.
As soon as I was in the car I took the phone and called her, but it rang until her voicemail answered.
Could it be that she doesn’t even want to talk to me?, I questioned myself.
She had every right to do so because I was an imbecile.
I didn’t even want to think that with my stupidity I was contributing to her pain.
But I wasn’t going to let her walk away.
Even if I had to chase her across the entire planet, I was going to explain to her that what she had confessed didn’t matter to me.
She wasn’t valuable for her ability to conceive a child, she was valuable for how extraordinary she was as a person.
At that moment I understood that, for me, Devon was more important than I had believed.
It would be easy to blame my emotions on her relationship with Aurora, even on how lonely I had been feeling lately, but those weren’t the real reasons why I didn’t want to lose her.
It was another reason, simpler but at the same time more complicated.
I kept insisting with the phone until I understood that she wasn’t going to answer.
I wasn’t going to send her a message, I had to offer my apologies in person because there was no possible justification for my behavior.
I had hurt her. I had made a mistake because my silence and inaction had surely given her the impression that a relationship with her wasn’t what I wanted.
I started the car and returned to my house with my spirits at rock bottom and my thoughts in chaos. Where could Devon be? Why hadn’t she returned to her apartment?
When I got home I took a shower and went to bed, but her delicious scent was still there and I longed for her with a demonic fury.
The night was endless. I couldn’t sleep all night, I think I dozed off at times, but I always dreamed of her.
In one of the dreams we were kissing, but at a certain point she began to back away until gradually fading and disappearing.
I woke up with an anguish that was tearing my chest apart.
What the hell was that? I had no answer or didn’t want to question it much further.
The first light of morning flooded my room and found me lying but awake, looking at the ceiling with my arms crossed behind my head.
The only thing accompanying me was an enormous feeling of emptiness.
I looked at the clock. Six in the morning and I couldn’t stand being in bed anymore.
I left it and got dressed with the idea of returning to her apartment.
The doorman saw me and approached the door. His face already made me think that the news would be discouraging, and I wasn’t wrong. He informed me that Devon still hadn’t returned and that he was sure because her car wasn’t in her garage.
Where had she gone? Could she be with someone?
That day I went back in the afternoon and the doorman was another gentleman, whom I also knew, but the information he provided was more discouraging.
According to him, Devon had been at her apartment that morning, but had left with a travel bag and had told him that she planned to be out of the city for a week.
Again I was struck by the idea that she might have asked him to tell me that, and this time I didn’t hesitate to ask.
“Excuse me, but how do you know about Dr. Dulcet’s life?”
The man looked at me and puffed out his chest, as if what he was about to tell me filled him with pride.
“As I told you, the doctor herself informed me. The doctor trusts me to carry out the task that she performs and entrusts me to do it when she is not around,” he said, looking at me with a proud smile.
“The task that she performs?”
“The doctor is an angel,” he said, repeating what everyone said and what I had already confirmed, “and she helps Mrs. Carmen, an elderly neighbor. She does the shopping for her and stores it so Carmen doesn’t have to exert herself.
When she goes away for several days or is busy, she orders groceries online, or something like that, and has them delivered, but in that case she asks me or the other doorman to help Dona Carmen put everything away.
That’s why she always lets us know when she’s going to be away for several days.
Everyone in this building adores her. When someone is sick, they always knock on her door asking her to examine them, and the doctor never refuses. ”
“She even treated one of my sons. Once I told her that my son Juan was sick but that I hadn’t taken him to the medical center because I couldn’t afford it, and she went to my house to treat him and then took care of buying all the medication he needed. I owe her so much.”
“The doctor is an incredible woman, she always takes an interest in everyone. Like I said, an angel, and beautiful too,” he said, smiling with what seemed to me to be great affection for her.
“She is a fantastic woman,” I remarked, feeling a new emotion, an emotion that made me waver because something akin to pride stirred within me, swelling my chest.
Devon... I wanted her with me, but she had gone and I had no fucking idea where to find her.
I said goodbye to the doorman and, after what I’d heard, I left there certain that she had left the city, and probably had done so because of my reaction to her confession.
At that moment, since she was ignoring my calls, I decided that we couldn’t be out of communication for so long and sent her a message.
Me:
“I need to talk to you. Where are you?
Can you answer me?”
The message wasn’t delivered, so there weren’t many options; either her phone was turned off or she had blocked me. I was in big trouble, but I had to accept her decision.
After analyzing the situation for a long time, desperation gave way to another equally disheartening emotion, because I resigned myself.
Perhaps this time without seeing or talking to each other would give us the space we needed to think and reflect on our relationship and what we felt for each other, at least for me, because perhaps all Devon felt at this moment was tremendous disappointment.
If that was the case, there wasn’t much to do or say.
The week passed frustratingly slowly; I was already fed up with work and feeling like shit.
I missed her. Not even the frantic pace of my routine allowed me to stop thinking about her or made the days pass more quickly; everything had slowed down.
Time had never moved so slowly, and that week had seemed like a month.
I think even time had turned against me to punish my stupidity.
That day Xavier had returned to the company because he had arrived from New York the day before. We had been in meetings all morning because, although we were in daily contact and I had joined many meetings virtually, it wasn’t the same as discussing all company matters in person.
At lunchtime he came back to my office to invite me to lunch with him.
“With that sour face, I don’t really feel like inviting you to lunch, but since I’m a good friend, I’ll put up with your bad mood and keep you company for a bit,” said Xavier, entering my office without knocking.