Chapter Thirty
Liam insisted on seeing me to the door, and I have to admit I’m a little self-conscious as we walk up the steps of my apartment building to the third floor.
His apartment building is state of the art – clean, modern, well maintained – not to mention his actual living space, which is impeccably decorated.
Whereas I’m becoming very aware that the carpeted stairs leading up to my floor have a funk to them.
It’s not like I’ve never noticed this. It’s more like I’ve learned not to notice.
Now that I’m taking everything in through Liam’s eyes, it’s all catching my attention.
The crumbling plaster. The worn handrails.
The way every single step creaks like you’re murdering it.
‘Here we are,’ I say as we reach the third-floor landing. I unlock the door.
‘I’ll call you tomorrow.’ He leans in for a kiss, but I touch his arm.
‘Actually … you want to come in? Check for murderers?’ I shiver.
‘Absolutely,’ he says, walking in ahead of me.
It’s dark. The floor is a bit sticky in the summer heat.
There’s no central air, just a couple old window units, so I spend the first minute turning on lights and opening windows and getting the box fan going so the cooler night air comes in while Liam opens closet doors and checks behind the shower curtain.
‘No murderers,’ he announces, returning to the living room.
‘OK.’
I reach over and grab his hand. He squeezes mine twice in a wordless message of comfort. But when he attempts to let go, I hang on.
He levels his gaze at me. ‘Want me to tuck you in or something?’
We look at each other in silence for a second. His eyes on me are tender.
‘Maybe?’ I whisper.
Then I go on tiptoes and press my lips into his, casting my arms around him. He kisses me back, so gently it’s almost painful.
I slip my tongue into his mouth. He groans in response, and then his hands are on my ass, which is exactly where they’re supposed to be, and might possibly be the only thing that makes sense right now in the unhinged chaos of this world.
I’m not on a high like I was at his cabin. Right now, I’m low. But somehow, my desire for him is unchanged – a constant, an anchor. And the fact that I want him on the worst day of my life just as much as I wanted him when I was feeling euphoric … that means something.
As the kiss intensifies, I start working at the tiny buttons on his shirt, which are a damn struggle, but obviously the shirt must be off. Finally, I yank it open. He pulls back, panting, and struggles out of it, then I pull off his undershirt, leaving his torso bare and his hair mussed.
He’s even more gorgeous than he was in the outdoor shower – tall and lean, all toned planes of smooth, golden muscle. And those shoulders – wide and powerful and utterly delicious.
I want to say I need you but that feels way too vulnerable, so I just look at him instead and hope he understands. It’s like my whole heart is pressing up within me, demanding relief, demanding Liam.
‘You like what you see?’ he says, putting his hands behind his head and stretching, which showcases the bulge of his biceps as well as a bunch of other muscles rippling across his body that I don’t know the names of.
‘Yeah,’ I murmur as an alarming feeling ignites in my stomach. Leaning forward, I plant a small, experimental kiss on his chest – then another, then another.
‘Margot …’ he says with a low laugh.
I smooth my hands up his chest, moving my kisses up his collarbone, to his neck, the corner of his mouth. He tastes salty and warm. His body shivers under mine.
‘You like that?’ I say, pulling back a little.
His lips draw up at one corner in a half grin.
‘What do you think?’
His eyes drop, and mine do too, to the sizeable bulge in his pants. All of a sudden, my greedy little body sends a rush of heat through me.
I step forward, pressing myself against him, feeling the firmness of his arousal and the rock-hard muscles of his chest, licking up his neck with an urgency that surprises me – and him, based on the low sound he makes in his throat.
His pulse throbs under my tongue, and with my hand, I cup his erection.
He grunts as his hand works under my shirt. ‘Whoa there, cowgirl.’
He unhooks my bra under my shirt. I gasp when he brushes my nipple, and he shudders against me. I still can’t believe he’s into me – emotional me as well as happy me. Fun me, sad me, too-much me. But the evidence is literally pressing, hard, against me.
And maybe that’s the sexiest thing of all. That somehow, he’s turned on by me. By this walls-down intimacy that’s totally uncharted territory for me. Is this what it feels like when someone loves you for you?
He squeezes my breast, sending a shock of pleasure through me that makes me yelp.
My core clenches and suddenly my entire body is on fire, like a flame just lit.
I grip his erection harder. I’m dizzy, like the world is spinning crazily around, but if I just grab on to him with all my strength, I’ll be all right, I won’t slip off the edge.
My shirt is all the way pushed up on one side now, my bra askew, his hand massaging me, both my nipples peaked, my skin aflame.
‘I want you,’ I whisper. ‘Really, really badly. Probably more than I’ve ever wanted anyone, ever.’
He grunts in approval. ‘Bedroom?’
‘Bedroom,’ I reply. ‘Condom?’
‘Always.’
The bedroom is dark, with a gentle light filtering in from the living room. We don’t bother closing the door. I like that there’s enough light to see his face – the hooded desire in his eyes, the effort of restraint showing in his rippling jaw.
‘May I?’ whispers Liam, fingering the hem of my shirt.
I nod. He slowly lifts it off me.
‘God, you’re gorgeous,’ he says. ‘Margot—’ but I stop him speaking with another kiss as I undo his pants.
He steps out of them. His boxer briefs are next, and when I pull his cock free, even though I’ve seen it before, I’m honestly surprised that it is …
really large, I mean really. Large. I suppress a smile thinking of George’s measuring stick emojis.
‘What’s funny?’ he says.
‘Your—’ I gesture to his dick. ‘I mean—’ I measure with my hands. ‘It’s just—’ I can’t keep my eyes off it.
‘C’mere, funny girl,’ he says, and lays me back on the bed, tugging my underwear down and tossing it aside.
I’m not laughing any more as he lowers himself over me, his arms braced on either side and murmurs, ‘Let me keep taking care of you, OK?’
‘OK,’ I breathe back.
His mouth gently works my breasts, sending ripples of sensation down the length of my body, all the way to my toes.
Heat builds as he works his way down my stomach, then my thighs, circling in toward the center of my heat, and it’s like my mind is slowly unraveling in the best of ways – all the thoughts, feelings, obsessions, swept out to sea, replaced by an urgent, wordless need.
When his tongue reaches the wet heat at my core, I hook my legs over his shoulders, squeeze my eyes shut and fist the bedcovers, holding on for dear life as overwhelming sensations roll through me.
‘Oh my God—’ I whimper as he nibbles and licks and does God-knows-what-else with his dirty, dirty, perfect mouth and those full lips and—
Everything tightens, almost painfully. And then, like a jolt of sunlight bursting into the sky, everything releases.
Pleasure crashes through me and I cry out, bucking my hips.
But he doesn’t stop. A second wave overtakes the first, and then a third, consuming everything.
I have no idea what sounds I’m making, only that I’m not in control of what’s happening to my body.
‘OK,’ I whimper when the feeling has run its course, and only then does he stop.
I roll on to my side, gasping. I’m pretty sure I just blacked out from pleasure, which is … new. I mean, sex at the cabin was great. Amazing. But this … I did not know it could feel this good.
Then, Liam is pulling out a condom and rolling it on. He places his hands on either side of my hips, hoisting me up so I’m perched toward him.
I can feel my body responding again already, and release a deep sigh as he enters me, pushing in slowly at first, feeling me out, his eyes never leaving mine. I tilt my hips and grip the headboard behind me as he starts to thrust, sensation building rapidly again.
‘You like it?’ he growls.
‘Yes,’ I whimper as each thrust sends sparks exploding through me. ‘More – right there – don’t stop—’
And then he’s groaning, and pleasure is slamming through my body again.
When the wave recedes, my legs are shaking. He slows his motion, his hands still gripping my hips, like he’s anchoring me in place, which is good, because otherwise I feel like I might literally break into pieces.
Finally, we fall exhausted next to each other.
‘That was so good,’ I breathe, once I’ve recovered my ability to speak.
‘Insanely good,’ he says. ‘Your body is magic.’
‘Yours isn’t bad either.’
I stare at the ceiling. If it was this much better our second time, I hardly dare imagine what we could achieve the third, fourth … His hand finds mine, our fingers threading. Slowly, my heartbeat calms. My body feels incredible – relaxed, limp. Present.
That was some of the best sex of my life. Who am I kidding – it was the best. Hands down.
I can feel the edges of my sorrow, the heaviness from earlier, but it’s in my peripherals, like a monster that got chased away … for now.
Everything feels both close to the surface and somehow softer. Raw, but gentle. If this was grief sex, I’m going to need more of that.
‘I’ll have it known that I did not invite you in for this reason,’ I say. ‘I know I wasn’t exactly at my most, um … attractive.’
Liam turns his head to me. ‘You were just being yourself.’
‘I’m a little surprised you still wanted it.’
‘You were being real. Real is hot.’
I sigh, sinking back into the calmed state of my body.
After a while, Liam squeezes my hand twice. ‘What do you say? Time for dessert?’
I lift myself on my elbows, then roll to my side, my hair falling in my face. ‘You want to do it again? Already?’ Dear God, how much dick power can one man have?
He releases a full-throated laugh. ‘I mean literal dessert. If you have any on hand. If not, I can run out for ice cream. Bring some back.’
‘Oh. Yeah, you might have to run out. There’s a convenience store right down the street.’
‘Perfect. What flavors? Pineapple coconut is a must.’
I smile. ‘My must is chocolate peanut butter.’
He rolls out of bed and pulls on his clothes.
‘Back in five.’
*
In the kitchen, Liam opens the five ice cream options he grabbed from the store while I try to find my phone charger, because my phone is nearly dead. When it’s not in the second usual place, I remember I never removed it from my purse.
‘Oh my God,’ I grumble. ‘I need to hire a cleaning service for my purse.’ Moving over to the kitchen, where the light is brightest, I unceremoniously dump all the contents out.
‘Ooooh, a pink dildo?’ says Liam.
‘A stun gun.’ I manage a small grin. ‘Remember? The one I pulled on you?’
He makes a faux-grimace. ‘Oh … right. Back when you thought I was a killer …’
‘There’s more.’ I show off my implements. ‘A little knife … an alarm thingy that starts blaring when you push the button … actually two of those …’
‘Prepared,’ he says appreciatively.
‘I have so much crap in here I should probably clear out …’ I pluck out a mini Rubik’s Cube I won after a game of putt-putt once and grimace. There are also a few ragged-looking tissues kicking around … some dirty pennies …
‘What’s this?’ Liam says as he pulls something from the pile. Ah. Zoe’s photo book. ‘Memory book?’
‘It’s Zoe’s. Her parents let me have it after the memorial.’
‘Have you looked at it already?’
‘Not all of it. But go ahead.’ I cross my arms over my chest. I’m not sure if I want to stir up all my feelings again.
‘Some other time.’ He sets it back down. ‘Let’s eat ice cream.’
‘That sounds good.’
He pushes my purse and all the crap to the side and grabs two bowls. ‘One flavor? Or a little bit of all?’
‘All, please.’
I perch on the counter in a T-shirt and underwear as Liam serves us. Then, I let my legs drop over the side of the counter and Liam stands between them as we eat. I hook my legs around him and relish the feeling of being so close with another human being – and so safe.
He’s a good person. And as much as I doubt my instincts about people, this feels right.
Righter than right. Maybe because it’s no longer just an instinct – it’s his actions.
It’s the proof. I don’t just mean that he’s not a murderer.
His care for me tonight, taking me home with no expectations.
The way he puts my pleasure first. His past, with the story of losing his sister, and how he used that pain to move forward and try to do some good in the world.
This isn’t just someone I have a crush on.
‘What are you thinking?’ says Liam as he digs out another scoop of ice cream.
‘Oh, nothing,’ I say, but that’s not true.
I’m thinking this is someone I could really love.
And I’m not that far from falling.