My Little Doe

Chapter 16

The days dragged and flew at the same time.

Ten days since Izayuh was born. Yesterday and a lifetime ago all at once.

Some days were cooler, leaving us both inside.

We created a system for watching movies—rules, really.

We would alternate who picked, and nothing we’d already watched in the previous three days was allowed.

This evening we planned to go to Blockbuster and rent some different movies.

Sometimes I opted to take a nap or read instead of watching his pick.

I picked up some romance novels when we went shopping.

I wanted something that felt magical and didn’t bore me with more information.

Something I could daydream about my life, instead of what it was.

Ring.

Ring.

I flinched as the landline rang. It rarely ever rang. Each time it rang, I jumped, startled that it existed. At home, our phone rang all the time. Either my friends or Paxton’s were calling, but while I was kept in that cell or closet, no phones rang. Quinnlyn jumped and answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey, sis.”

“How are things?”

“Do you think he believes it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Has he grilled you on where I went?”

“Just tell him you have no idea!”

“Did he buy the dead body?”

“Fuck.”

“If shit goes south, I want you to get out of there and come here.”

“No. No. We’re fine. She’s fine. We can make room, or Titi said you could stay there.”

“Um, we’re getting there,” he said, before shooting a look at me.

“How’s… Daxyn?” he whispered his name, but I still heard him.

“It’s better he thinks they are both dead.”

“I have a friend up there who can bring you here.”

“Of course, I’m worried about you. You’re my baby sister, and Raph has his head too far up Ravik’s ass.”

“Okay. Okay. Call me if you need anything.”

“Love ya, sis.”

Quinnlyn hung up the phone and headed back to the chair.

“What’d she say?” I asked.

“Um… well, she doesn’t think Ravik really buys it. He has been asking questions,” he said.

“What did you mean by dead body?”

“They got a body from the morgue, and set it on fire and said it was you,” he said.

I gasped. “That's horrible!”

“It was an unclaimed body… and life is horrible,” he said.

I didn’t say anything else. I stood and went outside. I wasn’t sure what to say. The whole conversation played in my head, trying to think of what she was saying and how his responses were.

Was Daxyn really upset about me being dead?

Or the baby? If she did come here, where would she sleep?

There was only a bed, and Quinnlyn was already sleeping on the floor.

Each morning, I could tell his back ached a little until he moved around.

One morning, I came out before he was awake, and he was sleeping in the chair.

I offered him to nap in the bed, but he refused.

I walked to the river and down the bank until I was across from the eagle’s nest. Watching them became one of my favorite parts of the day.

Sometimes there was only one up there, other times both of them were up there bickering over a fish.

They had to be sitting on eggs or an eaglet.

One of them always remained on the nest.

I sat on the rocks until my butt hurt, then I made my way back to the cabin.

My eyes were constantly scanning around, an unease I had when I was alone.

Quinn had warned that there were alligators in the rivers and swamps, but most of them were dormant for the winter.

Anytime there was a splash in the river, my eyes would dart to the water, searching for anything amiss.

It was usually fish or some type of waterfowl.

I was nearly to the cabin door when I heard the rattling of a vehicle coming down the dirt road. I paused, making sure that was what I heard, then I darted inside the cabin. Quinnlyn jumped to his feet as soon as I entered the cabin.

“What’s wro—?”

Then he walked to the door and opened it, looking out. He must have heard them.

“Oh, it’s just my Titi. Shit. I thought Ravik was here!” he said.

“I didn’t know… she was coming,” I said, catching my breath in between words.

“She comes when she comes,” he said, then shut the door behind him.

I walked in and filled up a cup with cold water, drinking most of it in one long swallow.

On the counter, there was a plate with a shrimp po’boy sandwich and some homemade chips.

My mouth watered looking at it. Another plate sat wet in the strainer.

He’d already eaten. I grabbed the plate and sat at the small dining table.

It seemed over the last couple of days, food called my name more, and my appetite was getting better.

My boobs had stopped aching almost completely and were way less firm than they had been.

“What are you talking about, Titi?” Quinnlyn said loudly.

“Ravik called me. He’s looking for you!” she said.

“Yes, Callie called me earlier. As long as no one knows, we will be fine here!”

“You ran off with his future daughter-in-law—”

“That he ordered me to kill!”

“But you didn’t!”

“He doesn’t know that!”

“I don’t think he believes she’s dead!” she yelled.

“If he comes, then I’ll do what I have to,” he said, his voice was lower, but still not calm.

“What about her?”

“I won’t let anything happen—”

“You can’t promise that,” she cut him off. They both had lowered their voice, but I could still hear them inside.

“I won’t…”

“Lord Quinnlyn…” Then she lowered her voice so that I couldn’t make out what she was saying.

“I have it under control,” he said.

“No, you don’t. Whatever lie you need to tell yourself,” she said.

“Is this the only reason you came? Because I have a phone,” he said.

“No, I came to do a checkup on Zalayuh,” she told him.

“She just had one with Dr. Arthur.”

“Ya, she did, but I’m also her midwife, and your Titi.”

“You didn’t take care of her while she was pregnant or deliver the baby,” he said.

“I didn’t need to care for her while she was pregnant or deliver her, to take care of her. She’s a woman who has been through something you or Dr. Arthur wouldn’t understand,” she said.

“Yeah… I guess,” he said.

“There is no guessing,” she said.

“You’re right, I don't understand, but I picked him up and carried him. I was preparing… never mind,” he said.

She said something in Creole that I didn’t understand. I continued eating the sandwich and chips. The po’boy was so good. I'd had one before, at a friend's house. They lived in Mississippi before they came to Townsend. I was nearly done when they finished their conversation, and she walked inside.

“Hi, Zalayuh,” she said.

“Hey, Lina,” I said.

She walked over to the table, pulling the chair across from me and taking a seat. Quinnlyn remained outside. I wasn’t sure why. Just as I could hear what they said outside, I was sure he could hear everything better than I.

“Dr. Arthur said I looked good,” I told her.

“He called and let me know, but I wanted to check on you anyway for myself. I lost a baby before, I know what it’s like,” she said.

I lifted my gaze from the table and stared into her eyes. She and Quinnlyn had similar eyes. Amber brown, probably the lightest shade of brown with warm flecks in them.

“I’m sorry that we’re in the same club,” I said.

“Men don’t understand what it’s like, even if they were the dad,” she said.

“I don’t think the dad cared...” I said.

“That’s his loss and his forever guilt,” she said.

“He knew his dad had me as a prisoner. He didn’t care,” I told her.

“And now ya stay with the person who held you,” she said.

“Somethin’ I struggle with. I hate him… sorry, I know he’s your nephew,” I said. She stayed quiet and looked at me with compassion. I continued, “I want to forgive him because he did save my life, but I want to beat the hell out of him for his part.”

“Maybe you should beat him up,” she said.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t think you can really hurt him. He used to wrestle with his siblings, and he often let Callie take her anger out on him. She was so angry after their mother died,” she said.

“Oh… I don’t know about that. I’ve never really been a fighter,” I told her.

“Just throwin’ it out there, somethin’ to think about,” she said.

“My boobs feel better… much better today, actually. The cabbage really did help,” I told her.

“That’s good, and I see you're eatin’,” she said, nodding toward the plate.

“It’s getting better. I actually felt hungry today. I also haven’t cried today, but the day is young still,” I said.

“Such optimism,” she said, laughing.

“Just being a realist,” I deadpanned. The truth was, I knew that I often cried at bedtime. The last couple of nights were only a couple of tears, not sobs. It wasn’t always about Izayuh. It was sometimes about Aspen. Sometimes it was because I really missed my friends—Brenden, Maggie, and Josie.

“Never feel ashamed for mourning the loss of your child. He passed in your hands, that takes a toll on the mind,” she said.

“How did you do it?” I asked her.

“My baby was a little bit older than yours, not by much, though. I didn’t even know I was in labor.

I thought I’d eaten some bad food, and then I felt her coming and caught her in the bathroom.

I felt like such a dumb midwife. How could I call myself one when I didn’t even know I was in labor?

I was young and fresh, though, and didn’t know that really early babies often come very quickly, and moms often don’t know they are in labor because it presents differently.

Babies that young just don’t survive, and if they do, they need a big hospital quickly.

I held her for nine minutes while she whimpered and tried to breathe.

I gave her breaths, but by the time the ambulance reached us, it was too late,” she said, tears streaming down her cheek.

“What did you name her?”

“Malika. It means angel,” she said.

“It’s beautiful,” I told her. I reached my hands across the table, placing my hands onto hers. We shared something that no one in the world wanted to share.

“When children lose their parents, we call them orphans. There is no name for what we are. Children were meant to bury their parents, not the other way around. We are just mothers who continue living without our babies,” she said.

Silence settled between us. I didn't have anything to say to that. I'm not sure she expected me to.

“To answer your question on how I did it… I don’t know. Quinn's mama moved into my house with him for a few months. It was hard watching her with her baby when they should have grown up together, but he was the best cuddler. They both helped me heal, like he’s helping you now,” she said.

“I’ve got a little sister… I miss her dearly,” I said.

“Hopefully, you’ll be able to see her soon enough,” she said.

“Hopefully,” I repeated.

“Do you need anything?” she asked.

“No, Quinnlyn took me to Walmart and got me everything I needed,” I told her.

“Okay. Well, I think Dr. Arthur went over everything medical that I’d have gone over with you. I’ll check in with you more than he will.”

“He said come back in five weeks,” I told her.

“Yes, the usual six-week postpartum check-up. Midwives see moms more than that. Is that okay with you?” she asked.

“I guess,” I said.

“Do you have questions?” she said, tilting her head toward me.

“No… it just feels like I don’t need all that without a baby here,” I said.

“You still gave birth,” she said.

“Yeah… I know.”

“I don’t want to overstay my welcome—”

“You’re always welcome,” I said, cutting her off.

“Thanks, but I have evening church to get to, plus he’s outside brooding back and forth, like he ain’t listening, anyway,” she said.

As I stood up from the chair, she was already there, pulling me into a hug.

I froze for a moment, unsure what to do with it.

My mom wasn’t a super affectionate person, and hugging anyone but the few people I did hug felt awkward.

Actually, now that I think about it, Aspen and Brenden were the only ones I hugged regularly.

Brenden was more than a hug. It was more like I’d run and jump into his arms.

Once she let go, I walked her to the door. Quinnlyn pulled her into a hug before she got into her truck and left. I headed back inside, grabbed my plate, and headed for the sink. Moments later, he was standing next to me, reaching for the plate in my hand.

“No, I got it,” I said.

“Let me at least do everything until Friday, okay?” He moved closer, our sides nearly touching.

I made a grumble sound at him and let him have the plate.

He flashed me a smile before it quickly faded.

I went to one of the chairs and sat down.

The rocking chair still sat there, but neither of us sat in it.

One of the wing-backed chairs was light blue, and the other light green.

I always found myself in the blue, and he in the green one.

“Can we get rid of the rocking chair?” I asked him.

He froze. I tilted my head.

“Or not?” I said.

“I’m… umm… I’d prefer not,” he said.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know it meant anything to you,” I said.

“Why don’t you like it?” he said.

“It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s that when I look at it, it reminds me of Izayuh. Like it was put here for me to rock him, but he’s not here to rock,” I said.

“I’ll take it to my Titi’s house,” he said.

“No, it’s okay. It means something to you, it can stay. It’s not always about me,” I said.

“It was about you—”

“Huh?” I said.

“Nothing, it’s not important. It doesn’t mean enough to stay here, but no, we can’t just destroy it either,” he said.

“What did you mean?”

“Nothing,” he said.

“Just say it… I’m not that damn fragile,” I said, annoyed.

“It’s not always about you, remember,” he said.

“Yeah…” I said.