Chapter 9 Ivan
Ivan
In spite of everything that’s happened, Danielle relaxes into me in the living room as we put on the old Claymation Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer movie.
She said it was one of her favorites, and I haven’t seen it since I was a young kid, so I thought it could be a nice way to relax and decompress after everything.
Seeing how she smiles at every frame of the movie makes my feel things I haven’t in a long time. I love seeing how happy she is. Watching how a smile morphs her entire face right now brings warmth to my heart.
I want to see this every day for the rest of my life, and I know there’s a reality where that happens.
But do I really deserve that?
I lied to her, I manipulated her, and I put her in danger. I don’t deserve to be with someone like Danielle. She deserves the entire world, and while I can give her anything she wants, I’ve treated her so poorly that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over this guilt.
I just don’t know how I’ll ever let her go.
“When I watched this movie as a kid, I knew I wanted to be an animator,” Danielle says, watching how Rudolph’s nose lights up on the screen.
“I stole my mom’s phone and took a bunch of pictures of Barbie dolls in stop-motion animation.
I ended up deleting pictures of us as kids, and she was furious. ”
Danielle laughs at the memory and takes a deep breath as she watches the movie. I smile at her, looking away before the guilt eats me alive.
“The idea that someday I could make a movie like this that families will sit around and cherish is so nice,” Danielle continues. “Imagine getting to make a movie that inspires some kid just like this one did for me.”
I took that from her.
“Just hope I can figure out the NYU situation.” She pauses, the smile fading from her lips as she remembers why she’s here and all of the stress of her normal life. On top of all of that, she now has this hostage experience that will keep her traumatized for a while.
I brought her here because I was drawn to her. I fell for her the moment I saw her, and I didn’t take her thoughts and feelings into consideration. I knew I needed to have her, and I did what I had to do to get her.
It’s only now I’m realizing how impulsive that was. I knew everything I did was selfish at the time, but I didn’t care. Danielle had an entire life she was living, working toward her dreams. I took all of that from her like it was nothing.
A pit forms in my stomach the more I think about it, and I don’t know how I can go on like this. I’ve completely ruined her life. Sure, I could pay for tuition at NYU after revoking the scholarship, but if she ever found out what I did, would she want to be with me?
I back away from her on the couch, unable to stomach what I’ve done anymore. I shouldn’t get to touch her like this. I shouldn’t get to lean back and be comfortable with her after everything I’ve done.
“What’s wrong?” Danielle asks, concern lacing her words.
“Get dressed. We’re going somewhere,” I say, standing up and walking away from her.
Danielle does as I say, and I go to my office, unlocking my safe and shoving as much cash as I can in a duffel bag. If I ruined her life, I’ll make damn sure she’s taken care of for the rest of it.
When Danielle is dressed and in the living room, I set the duffel bag down on the chair. She eyes it curiously before I walk into her room and throw the rest of her clothes in her suitcase. As I walk out with it in hand, I see the disappointment in her eyes.
“You’re making me leave?” she asks, her voice heartbroken enough that I’m tempted to give in to my desires and let her stay.
“Trust me, you don’t want anything to do with me,” I say, calling the elevator and waiting for her to come. I’ll tell her the truth, but I need to get her to the hotel before I do that.
She follows me in silence, and I lead her out of the penthouse to my car with her clothes and a duffel bag full of money in hand. She asks me dozens of questions, her own sadness filling every word as I keep my eyes focused on the road to take her to the nearest hotel I can find.
When we get there, I open the door for her to get out, grabbing the bags from the trunk and walking through the front door with her behind me. I talk to the receptionist and book a nice room for an indefinite stay, giving them my card to just keep on file for any expenses needed.
“Ivan, will you tell me what’s going on?” Danielle asks for the dozenth time. I walk her to the elevator and hand her the duffle bag alongside her suitcase.
“I haven’t been completely honest with you. I’ve done a lot to hurt you, not to mention you were in danger because of me. I just can’t be a part of your life.” I feel the ache in my chest grow with each word.
“Talk to me,” Danielle insists.
“Your scholarship wasn’t a mistake. It was revoked because I called and paid them a lot of money to cancel it.
I fell for you the moment I saw you, and I wanted you to come live with me.
I manipulated every circumstance that got you into my penthouse,” I admit, laying everything out.
It feels like there’s a weight lifting off of my chest, but at the same time, the devastated look on her face crashes against me, and it’s put right back.
“There’s money in that duffel bag, and if you need to charge anything to the hotel, don’t hold back.
I’ll pay for your tuition; I’ll make sure you’re taken care of in any way that I can. ”
“How could you do this?” Danielle asks, tears streaming down her face. The elevator opens up behind her, and I grab her shoulders, nudging her inside so she can go.
“I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you,” I say, knowing that’s the truth. It was never my intention to hurt her, but my selfishness did. “Take that money and start over.”
The elevator doors close with her inside, and I stand outside of it for a moment, wishing things could be different. But I made my bed. Because of that, I have to just let her go off into the world to start over on her own.
If that means without me, so be it.