31. I’m In The Photo Too
I’m In The Photo Too
Doug
I’m pissed off. We were having a great day, and as though she’d been summoned from the depths of hell by the mere mention of her name, Jessie had to text and ruin everything.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say again as I kiss Cara on her doorstep.
‘Doug, go. It’s fine.’
It’s not fucking fine. I lean in to kiss her again, and she laughs.
‘Do I need to call Bree and have her remove you from the property?’ She pushes gently on my chest, smiling that sweet, genuine smile she’s had all day. ‘Go.’
I step back, taking another look at her standing there, the door open, the bags of things we bought for the house behind her, then turn and head for my truck.
‘Where were you?’ Jessie snaps as I climb out of my truck in front of my house, and I take a breath to calm myself. Bo is right behind her.
‘Hey, honey.’ I smile at my baby as she runs to me, and I scoop her up to give her a kiss.
‘I asked you a question.’
I glare at Jessie for a moment before putting Bowie down. ‘Go and see Grandma,’ I say, and she runs into the house. ‘You need to stop this,’ I hiss, and Jessie laughs.
‘Not until she’s eighteen.’
I look up to the sky, praying for an intervention, a lightning strike, or for the ground to open up and take her back to where she came from.
‘You didn’t answer me.’
‘You’re not my mom or my boss, Jess. It’s none of your business what I do with my Saturdays.’
I see the fire in her eyes. I need to put it out before she blows. The frustration of having my day cut short has me pushing her in ways I usually steer clear of, but I need to stop and play the game a little longer.
‘I was working.’
‘You weren’t. I went up to that ridiculous house, and you were not there.’ She pops her hip and grins, thinking she caught me in a lie. ‘It’s ugly if you ask me, that stupid white kitchen and the blankets in front of the fire. Is that what she does for fun, sits all alone and watches the fire burn.’ She releases a laugh that I know is intended to point out that she’s making fun of Cara, but I heard it all through high school when she was the mean girl I refused to see at the time.
‘It’s private property, Jess. You don’t get to go looking in windows.’ I hate the idea of her anywhere near that house. It’s become my safe space, and it’s the place I get to hold Cara in my arms. If Jessie feels she can just wander up and start getting an eyeful, that safety goes away, and so does what I have with Cara.
She sucks her cheeks in and flares her nostrils in frustration that I’m not rising to her or bowing down to her.
‘You didn’t answer me. Where were you?’
‘I did answer you. I told you I was working. Not all the work I need to do is up at the house. Why are you here, Jessie? Bowie is with you this weekend. That was your choice.’
‘I changed my mind. I got a better offer.’
‘Jessie.’ I sigh and look at her, pleading. ‘You can’t keep doing this.’ I step forward, closing the gap between us a little, and I see the way she glances up at me, wondering why I’m getting closer to her than I have in years, the flicker of something behind the confusion in her eyes. ‘We can do better than this.’ I reach out to hold her arms, and her lips part, a little crease forming between her eyebrows. ‘Why don’t we sit down and work out a better way to do this, to be her parents? We’ve known each other forever, Jessie. We were everything to each other once. Can’t we work together on this?’
I don’t know where that came from. I haven’t tried to plead with her this way, tried to work with her on this, since she abandoned that tiny girl into my care so that she could go and party before I’d had the chance to accept that I was a father, but I can’t keep fighting with her. I can’t keep living in fear of pissing her off.
We maintain eye contact for a moment until she shakes her head and steps back out of my hold and away.
‘I have a date, Doug. She’s your problem tonight.’
She turns, climbs into her car, and drives away, and I hang my head. I tried. I tried to do it another way, but now I really do have no choice. I pull out my phone and bring up Breanne’s number before pressing call.
‘Hey, little brother, to what do I owe this pleasure?’ she asks sweetly, and I pinch the bridge of my nose as I exhale.
‘I need you to fix that meeting, Bree. I need to get this shit done.’
I hear her take a breath before she answers. ‘On it. I’ll let you know.’
And that’s it. She cuts the call, and I know that before the hour is out, she’ll have it all arranged, and the ball of me getting custody of Bowie will officially be rolling.
Two nights. That’s how long Jessie has been gone without a word. A part of me worries that something is wrong, but the part of me that knows that woman inside out is just frustrated. I know that she probably met a guy who wanted to spoil her for a few days, and that trumps everything, even her child.
‘So, what do you want, honey?’ I ask as we push into Merv’s for breakfast. I have a crew of guys working up at the house today, but I had to let Cara know they’d be getting started without me. I hate it, but what choice do I have?
‘Pancakes.’ She smiles up at me.
‘Is that my princess?’ Merv calls out, and Bo runs off toward him, behind the counter, and into his waiting arms. If she’s the princess, Merv’s Diner is her palace. That little girl rules the roost here.
‘Daddy brought me for pancakes, Grandpa Merv.’
‘Well then, we better get to it.’ He puts her down, ‘Go and wash your hands and put on your apron.’
Bowie runs back to meet Leah, one of the waitresses at the diner and gets herself set up for cooking, and I take a seat at the counter.
‘Still no Jessie?’ Merv asks quietly, and I shake my head.
‘Nothin’.’ I sigh, and he shakes his head. Merv has had as much of her shit as the rest of us.
‘Hi, baby,’ My mom startles me, and she takes the stool beside me as she and Merv make googly eyes at each other.
‘Was that baby for me or the old man?’ I sass, and she taps my arm.
‘Can’t it be for both?’
‘Grandma.’ Bo beams as she walks out of the kitchen in her little apron. Her hair has been pulled up into a loose bun by Leah, and I melt. Damn, she’s cute.
‘Oh, my sweet girl, are you cooking with Grandpa Merv?’ Bo nods, and my mom smiles at her in awe. ‘Well then, I guess I’m staying.’
Merv and Bowie disappear into the kitchen, and I turn to Mama.
‘You not working?’ I ask, and she shakes her head.
‘Later. Nick had an appointment out of town, so the clinic is closed this morning.’
Nick Barber is the town vet and my mom’s boss, which is weird since he was also one of my closest friends when we were kids. We fell out of touch when we all went our separate ways at eighteen, but he’s a good guy, and he takes care of Mama, so I appreciate that. I just wish he’d find his way back to us, we have all tried inviting him for a beer, or to work out, hang out at family parties and barbecues, but he declines every time.
‘Merida.’ Bowie’s squeal grabs my attention, and I look up to see her flying out from behind the counter and wrapping her little body around Cara’s legs. My heart skips at the sight of the woman I’ve missed so much these past couple of days, but I don’t have a lot of time to dwell on that when I hear the gasp from the seat next to mine.
‘Oh, my god.’ Mama exhales the words as she tries to stand, and I get up to help her. She’s not infirm by any means, but I think the shock of seeing the daughter of her old friend for the first time is having an effect.
Cara looks up from Bo, beaming with happiness as she meets my eyes, and I smile before glancing at Mama and stepping forward.
‘Um, Cara, this is my mom. Mama, this is…’
‘Cara.’ The name is a breath from my mom’s lips, and I watch as Cara’s smiling eyes meet my mom’s.
‘Hi.’ She smiles, that beautiful, genuine smile she always has, and Mama steps forward.
‘Lynette, Lynnie, you can call me Lynnie.’ She holds out a hand for Cara, who glances briefly at me before taking it. ‘You look so much like your mama.’
I see the flicker of emotion in Cara’s eyes before she smiles again, softer now.
‘Would you like to sit with me, Lynnie? I’d love to hear about how you knew her.’
I swallow hard and watch as the most important woman in the world to me sits next to the woman I can’t get out of my head, and a little bubble closes them into their memories.
Stepping out of the diner, I lean against one of the outdoor tables and take a breath. The wheels are spinning so fast, and everything in my life is moving in unexpected directions right now. The house, Cara, finally going for custody of Bowie. It’s all going to change, and it’s unsettling, but most unsettling is the sense of rightness I feel. Watching my baby girl making pancakes for her, Mama, and Cara to enjoy. Watching the three of them sitting together to eat and talk and laugh. The ease Bowie feels with Cara after one afternoon with her. It all feels right, but I know it’s too soon to feel this perfect.
‘Hey, you okay?’
I turn to see Cara stepping out of the diner, and it takes everything in me not to step forward and take her in my arms. I maintain my position and school my features, and she stands firm. This needs to look like we’re discussing the house. As far as every other person in the world needs to know, Cara and I have nothing else to be discussing.
‘Yeah, needed a little air. You good?’ I meet her gaze for a moment, and she nods.
‘I am. Your mum is lovely.’
‘She didn’t upset you, talking about your mom?’
She shakes her head. ‘No, she didn’t talk much in the end with all the pancakes and princesses talk, but she invited me over to come and chat some more.’
I straighten and look up at her again. Cara, in my house. That makes me feel like a teenage boy as I start considering how I could sneak her up to my room.
‘When?’
‘Tonight, for dinner.’ She chews her lip as she fixes her gaze on me, waiting for a reaction that I can’t give to her right now. So, I just nod.
‘Okay, that’ll be nice.’ My words are soft, and I see her shoulders drop a little.
‘I’m heading out,’ She steps back, ‘So, I guess I’ll see you later.’
‘You will.’ I straighten and make my way back to the diner door as Cara walks away, and I can’t wait to be able to kiss her before she does that in the future.
Why the fuck am I nervous?
Bree is picking Cara up and bringing her to the house for dinner, and I can’t stop fidgeting.
‘What is wrong with you?’ Zoe asks, looking up from her position on the sofa with Bowie as I pace.
‘Nothing,’ I grunt and head out back.
‘Okay, spill it.’ Of course, she followed me outside.
‘Spill what?’ I snap and glare at her.
‘Are you serious right now, Doug? You’re still going to play this dumb fucking, I don’t like Cara game?’ No, I like her very much, actually. ‘You need to grow up. Mama invited her tonight to share memories she’s kept locked up for a really long time, and you need to either suck it up or leave.’
‘It’s my house!’ I’m affronted.
‘It’s Mama’s house. You are a lodger, and your attitude is not welcome. Fix it.’
She storms back inside, and I take a breath. I can’t explain to Zoe that I’m not pissed about Cara coming for dinner but excited. I can’t tell my family that I have all this nervous energy because all I want to do is sit next to her and hold her hand, kiss her, and show them all that she’s mine, but I can’t. So, I shake my head, take my sister’s advice, and suck it up.
‘ Merida .’
Bo’s excited call lets me know that she’s here, and I head back inside to find her laughing down at my baby girl, with Harley circling them, her tail wagging and mouth wide open like she’s the center of the party.
‘You do know my name is Cara,’ she says, reaching out to pet Harley and Bowie giggles.
‘I know.’
‘Okay, honey. Let them in,’ I say softly, gripping Bo’s shoulders and, after the briefest moment of eye contact with Cara, steering my excited girl toward the sofa.
Jeez, she looks pretty tonight. Another of the little dresses that suit her so perfectly. This one floats just above her knees and makes her big eyes pop with the deep orange color of the fabric, and she has on sandals. I got so used to seeing her in sneakers that it surprises me a little.
‘Oh, I’m so happy you made it,’ Mama says, opening her arms to Cara, who steps into her embrace with a huge smile on her face. How is she always so at ease with everyone? She says she’s risk-averse, but all I see is someone always open and happy to accept new people and places all around her.
I watch as Cara follows my mom into the kitchen, and then Bowie pulls my attention to the game we set up, ready to play.
‘Game time?’ I ask, arching an eyebrow at her, and she mirrors my expression.
‘Butt kicking time, Daddy.’
I laugh loudly, joined by my sisters and Merv, and we play… she’s going down!
‘So, you and Mum were good friends?’ Cara asks as we sit around the table after dessert. Bo is in the bath with Zoe taking care of her, and Merv is outside watering the yard.
‘Yes, sweetheart. She was a couple of years younger than me, but she always had an older head on her shoulders, and we just clicked. We used to go for milkshakes at the diner and hang out up at the house, your house.’ Mama smiles. ‘I fell in love with my husband just after I turned seventeen, and your mama thought it was just so romantic how he rolled back into town and fell in love, so never rolled back out again. We got married young and had the girls when I was only just eighteen, and then by the time Doug came along, your dad was already in town, and the same was happening for her. They were so in love.’
Mama’s voice shakes with emotion, and I watch as she reaches for the box on the table and lifts the lid. She pulls out some photographs, smiling softly at them before handing them to Cara, and Bree shifts her seat closer so she can look too.
‘That’s my husband and me,’ Mama says sweetly, and Cara gasps, then looks up at me, making Mama giggle. ‘Yeah, that’s my little Doug with Charlotte. She never could put him down.’
‘What?’ I reach out absent-mindedly for the photo, and Cara hands it to me. There I am, tiny and chunky, in the arms of Charlotte Reynolds. Man, she looks like Cara.
‘That was the day she was leaving.’ Mama sighs. ‘She came to say goodbye.’ I look closer at the photo and can now see the sadness I didn’t notice at first. The way my dad has his arm protectively around my mom’s shoulders, the expression in my mom’s eyes, and the way Charlotte is holding onto me as though she doesn’t want to let me go.
‘So, I’m in the photo too,’ Cara says softly, and I look up at her, not caring about holding her gaze too long. She’s in the photo, too, right there, next to me—Charlotte holding both of us in different ways.
‘This is trippy.’ Bree breaks the moment, and I’m grateful for it. Cara reaches up to wipe her eyes, but she doesn’t look sad. She looks so peaceful.
Bowie asked Cara to read her bedtime story, and she obliged happily, meaning my baby went to sleep with the biggest smile on her face as I headed back downstairs to see my mom, my sisters, Merv, and Cara all back around the table, rifling through memories.
We looked through so many photos. Pictures of my sisters and me, photographs of Cara that Charlotte had sent to my mom, photos that were so cute I could hardly cope, photos which Bree made a big song and dance over about how much little Cara looked like Bowie, and she was right, they did look alike, especially the ones with Cara’s long hair braided the way I braid Bo’s, but all I could focus on was that I never knew about her. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that my whole life, right here in this house, there have been memories of the woman I can't seem to get my fill of, right up until she was about fourteen, right up until we both lost a parent.
When it came time for Bree to take Cara home, I wanted to step up and say I’d take her. I wanted to talk to her about how she felt after all this and check she was okay. But I couldn’t. It wasn’t the right time for my family to know about us, not before I’d seen the lawyer and knew where I stood on getting custody.
So instead, I sat on the front porch with Merv the way we always do and watched my sister drive away with my girl.