50. Shoot, I Got You
Shoot, I Got You
Cara
Following her into the beautiful beach house, my stomach is churning with anxiety. As we reach a large terrace overlooking the beach, I let the sound of the waves below calm me and take her invitation to sit. Jessie sits opposite me and looks as nervous as I feel.
‘I’m so sorry, Cara. What I did, that wasn’t fair, messing with you and Doug like that.’ I nod, but it’s small. I didn’t come here for an apology, I don’t think, but getting one is nice. ‘I’m not a bad person,’ she continues, ‘at least, I don’t want to be, but I make bad choices. I act on impulse. I’m trying to get better.’
‘Jessie, I didn’t come here to make you feel bad.’
She blinks at my words as though they’re shocking to her.
‘Why did you come?’
‘I thought I should get to know you a bit.’
‘Can I explain why I did what I did? If you don’t want to hear it, I understand, but Marcus has encouraged me to see a therapist, and she thinks I need to acknowledge why I act the way I do.’
‘Of course, if it’ll help.’
‘I wasn’t raised good.’ She shrugs. ‘My family, they were old fashioned and not in any of the good ways. Women were just there to look pretty, keep house, and open their legs. I was raised to understand that was my role in life. I should use my looks and my assets to attract the right men. Men who could provide for me, not just a good life, but the best life.’ She looks around at her surroundings. ‘That’s how I attracted Marcus, but he saw right through my bullshit and called me out on it.’ Her gaze drops to her hands in her lap, and mine follows. ‘I wanted it to be Doug—for the longest time. I wanted it to be him, but I knew it never would be. I was so focused on money and things, and he’s a small-town boy. For a while, he was making something of himself, and honestly, that’s why I kept Bowie when I found out I was pregnant. Because I thought he was going to be my ticket out of Forest Falls and out of the life I saw my mom live. I didn’t realize he was going to give it all up for her, to be there for her, and I resented him for it. I’m ashamed to say I resented her too, Bowie. I love her, I do, so much, but I’m a work in progress, Cara. I’m trying real hard, but my default setting is to be a vindictive, jealous bitch. When I knew you were in town, then when I saw you, something in the back of my brain convinced me that it should have been me. I should have been the one out of the two of us that got to be the Reynolds girl. I should have that house and the money. I even hated that when I found out about you two—you might want to start closing your windows when you’re fuckin’ by the way, you are loud , girl—’
Oh, my god. Heat rushes up my neck… that’s how she found out? He never told me that.
‘But when I heard you callin’ his name, all I could think was that you don’t need to care that he doesn’t have anything to offer you. You have the luxury of not needing to seek out a man who can give you more, and I hated you for that. It’s stupid. I know that.’
‘It’s not.’ She looks up at me, surprise etched on her features. ‘You were raised to believe certain things, and you have lived your life that way. That’s normal. I was raised to believe I was a mistake and lived my life afraid of making mistakes because of it.’
‘Why are you being so nice to me?’
‘We’re sisters, aren’t we?’
She inhales a shaky breath, and I can’t miss the sheen of tears that glisten in her eyes.
‘Can I get you a drink?’ She stands, ‘Jeez, I’m a bad hostess.’
‘Water would be great, thank you.’
As Jessie rushes across the open plan space to the kitchen, I take a good look around.
‘So, you and Marcus…’
‘It’s pretty new. It was casual for a while, but we’ve been getting way more serious, despite me almost fuckin’ it up. He’s wonderful. I can’t believe he’s willing to stay with me even after what I did to Doug.’ She places two glasses on the table and sits. ‘Don’t get me wrong—he scolded me worse than my parents ever did. Told me I need to quit playin’ games with people, but when I thought he was going to tell me we were done, that I was too immature, too petty for him, he told me he wanted me to move in, and he would help me get the help I needed to get through my issues.’
‘He sounds like a good man,’ I muse, and she smiles, and her whole face lights up.
‘He really is.’ She smiles softly, then meets my gaze, and her eyes are filled once more with trepidation. ‘I feel like you must have questions. I want to try to answer any that I can.’
I swallow as my pulse quickens. Asking the woman in front of me how much she knows about her dad raping my mum is not a conversation I could have ever imagined myself having, but this is my chance, so I’m taking it.
‘How long have you known about me?’
I watch as Jessie takes a large gulp of water and puts her glass down. Her hands come back to rest on her knees, her fingertips tapping lightly as she takes a breath.
‘Everyone in town knew the story of Charlotte Reynolds leaving town with a boy. The gossip was always that there was a baby, a teen pregnancy that caused a rift in the family. I paid it no mind. The only reason I ever thought about the Reynolds family at all was when I had to listen to Doug going on and on about that house, but the older folks would bring it up every now and again, wondering what happened and where Charlotte had gone. It wasn’t until ten years ago that I knew the real story.’
‘Ten years,’ I breathe the words, barely a whisper. She knew about me for a decade.
‘My mom was dead, and my grandfather was dead. The only family I had left was my dad, and he was on his way out. Seems he decided he needed to confess his sins before he went.’
‘So, he knew that she was pregnant, that he…’
‘Not for sure. He told me what he did and why. He told me that his daddy was pissed that she had the audacity to reject his precious son and told him he needed to take away her choice. Told him to mark her, taint her so no other man would want her.’ She stops as my hand comes up to cover my mouth. I feel sick, but I need to hear this, and my small nod lets her know I want her to continue.
‘He told me there were rumors about a baby after Charlotte left town. Eventually, it was confirmed that she’d had you, and he knew there was a chance you were his, but that she left town with your dad, so you could be his too. I held onto that, thinking maybe he was wrong, maybe you weren’t his, but then I saw you, and I knew. Hell, look at us, and shit, you look more like my kid than I do. We can get a DNA test or something if you want, but…’
‘No,’ I say without meaning to. ‘She was a virgin when he—’ I can’t finish the sentence, and Jessie’s lips part, but she doesn’t speak for a moment.
‘ Jesus ,’ she whispers after a while. ‘Do you want to know any more?’
I shake my head, no. I don’t think I can take any more.
‘How old are you?’ I ask, surprising myself with the question, and she smiles softly.
‘I’m almost thirty-one. My mama was already pregnant with me when he did what he did. They were already set to get married when my grandaddy tried to arrange the marriage to Charlotte. Ever obedient, Daddy dumped Mama. She was eighteen, unmarried, and pregnant, then, when Charlotte left town, he came back to her, and she let him back in.’
‘This is all such a mess.’ I sigh, and she releases a small laugh.
‘Welcome to Forest Falls, honey.’
‘Okay, baby. I got way too much, yet again. Oh, shit, sorry.’
Jessie and I both turn to the man joining us on the terrace, grocery bags in his arms.
‘Um, hi.’ He smiles, looking between Jessie and me before a soft smile settles on his lips. ‘You must be Cara.’
He turns his smile on Jessie, and I don’t miss it. I know that look. He’s proud of her.
‘Yes, um, Marcus, meet Cara. Cara, this is Marcus.’
I take the hand he offers after putting down the bags.
‘Nice to meet you.’
‘You too, real nice. Are you staying for dinner? I got plenty.’
‘Oh, um,’ I pick up my phone to check the time. I’m a four-hour drive from Forest Falls. ‘I actually should think about finding a place to stay. Are there any hotels close by?’
‘Not in summer, sweetie.’ Marcus smiles apologetically.
‘Stay here.’ Jessie’s words surprise me. ‘We have room, and I’d like to keep talking.’
‘Yes, I’ll make up a guest room,’ Marcus adds, and looking into the eyes of my brand-new sister, I nod, yes. I’m staying.
‘I hope you don’t mind water or soda with dinner,’ Jessie says as she opens the fridge, ‘my therapist thinks I use alcohol as an excuse to behave the way I was and that I need to cut it out of my life for the time being.’
‘Of course not. Water is fine.’
Marcus is on the terrace, grilling all sorts of food that smells absolutely incredible. I came in with Jessie to help her get plates and cutlery, and all the condiments she’s pulling from the fridge. Not that I know her very well or have a lot of experience of her before today, but she does seem very settled here. Marcus seems like a lovely, kind man. He’s almost forty, and he’s a dentist. When he told me that, it reminded me of Jamie for the first time in months, and it hit me how much my life has changed.
As we head back outside and sit, I notice Jessie pick up her phone, then put it back down on the table, the selfie of her and Bowie lighting up the screen before it darkens once more. She looks a little sad, and it dawns on me that she must miss her. I know Doug thought she wouldn’t, that she didn’t want to be her mum, but she is.
‘Have you spoken to Bowie?’ I ask, and her gaze raises to meet mine before she shakes her head.
‘She’s better off without me right now.’
I feel my brows knit together as I watch her.
‘Jessie,’ I say softly and reach for her hand on the table. ‘Don’t say that.’
‘It’s true. I haven’t been a good mom. I never wanted to be a mom at all.’
‘But you are. You’re hers, and she loves you.’
‘You know that day when I saw you up at your house, and you offered to watch her?’ I nod. ‘She was so excited to see you. She’s never once been that excited to see me.’ The way her bottom lip trembles breaks my heart.
‘You know, I’m realizing, and so should you, that parents fuck up.’ She huffs out a shocked laugh and holds my gaze. ‘Ours did, lots. You’ve made bad choices and got things wrong where she’s concerned…’
‘I used her, Cara. I used her to fuck with him.’
‘Yes, and he isn’t perfect either. He’s so focused on trying to be a good dad that he gave up his whole life outside of that and made himself miserable. What kind of example is that setting?’
‘He’s a great dad.’
‘He is. He’s brilliant with her, but he’s not perfect—nobody is. You have him up on this pedestal, but if you keep him up there, you’re always going feel like he’s looking down on you. I don’t have kids, so I don’t know how hard it is, but please, Jessie, acknowledge that you’re doing something amazing right now because you are a good mum. You are doing the work to be a better person and set better examples for your child.’
‘I don’t think she even likes me very much.’
I reach out and tap her phone screen, bringing it back to life.
‘That smile on her face says otherwise.’
She takes a long deep inhale and blows it out.
‘I’m giving custody to Doug. Did he tell you? I know it’s the right thing to do.’ She squares her shoulders, but the sadness in her eyes doesn’t leave. ‘I just don’t want her to think I don’t love her because I do, so much, but I’m not in a place to raise her right, not yet. She has everything she needs in Forest Falls.’
I nod, understanding and respecting this woman so much more than I ever imagined I would.
‘Do me a favor, okay?’ She nods, it’s small, but it’s there. ‘If you grant Doug custody, and I understand your reasoning for that and think it’s incredible of you to admit that it’s best for her right now, but if that’s what’s happening, sit down with him, talk to him like you have me, work out how that arrangement looks for all of you. Work with him on getting it right for her instead of fighting him over it because, despite what you think, that little girl loves you very much.’ She chews her bottom lip, and I squeeze her hands. ‘Go and call her, say goodnight, tell her you love her. Just because you have work to do, just because you don’t feel able to be her full-time caregiver right now, doesn’t mean you can’t be her mum.’
‘If she’s with him full time, does that mean you’re going to be the one raising her?’
The question throws me, and I blow out a breath before answering.
‘Doug and I have a long way to go,’ I admit. ‘This whole mess has shown me that we don’t know each other as well as we thought. If I’m in Bowie’s life, it’ll be as her friend.’
‘Even when y’all get married?’ A shocked laugh escapes me at the thought, and I see the mischievous glint in her eye and the smirk on her lips.
‘Stop it.’ I smile, shaking my head, and she laughs. It’s nice to hear after such heavy conversations today. ‘Even if way down the line Doug and I end up in that place, I’ll never be Bowie’s mum. I’ll never try to be, but I’ll always do right by her.’
She nods, accepting my words before leaning back in her chair and grabbing her phone.
‘Stepmom and aunt, you’re way more country than I thought.’
And on that note, she walks away with her phone in her hand, ready to say goodnight to her wee girl.
‘You promise we can keep working on this, us?’ Jessie looks worried as she walks me to my car the next morning, as though she thinks when I drive away from here, we’ll go back to being virtual strangers.
‘I promise, but you focus on you right now, okay?’ I open my arms to her and hug her to me. I feel the way she relaxes in my arms and wonder how many people have genuinely hugged her in her life. Her family don’t sound like they were huggers.
‘Give Bo a kiss for me.’ I smile as I climb into my car and start the engine, then wind down the window, and she leans in. ‘Don’t let him get away, Cara. Men like him don’t come around often. He’s a good one. Trust me. I have plenty to compare him to.’
I place my hand on hers through the open window and smile, but I can’t say anything. My nerves are in my throat about heading back to Forest Falls, back to Doug.
‘Okay, get on the road. It’s a long drive. Text me when you get home, okay.’
‘I will. Bye.’
Her smile is beautiful as I pull away, and I can’t quite believe the past twenty-four hours just happened. I have a sister. Now I need to see if I still have a man.
As I hit the road that will take me most of the way back to Forest Falls, I pull up the contact I need on the dashboard and press call.
‘Oh my god, Cara.’ It sounds so good to hear her voice that I almost cry. ‘Where are you? I miss you. Are you coming home?’ I laugh as her words come out in a rush.
‘I am, Zo. I’m on my way now, actually, and I need your help with something.’
‘Okay, girl. Shoot, I got you.’
So I do. I tell her my plans as I press my foot a little firmer on the gas.