Chapter 12
My mother has been working at Plant Daddy for almost two weeks, but when I walk in, it’s still a shock to see her working behind the counter. She’s wearing her We’re Here, We’re Queer, Our Joint Pain is Moderate to Severe T-shirt and a pair of rainbow-framed reading glasses dangle from a chain around her neck. Another pair is on top of her head, holding down her auburn curls. She’s steaming milk and grinding beans like she’s competing in a barista competition, too focused to notice me come in.
‘Hey Sam,’ Angelika says. She pushes her long platinum dreads back into the paisley scarf she always wears. Then she waves her hand over her scattered pile of Tarot cards. ‘Want a reading?’
‘My future is too complicated – even for your powerful energy. Has my mom told you about her crazy idea?’ I ask and nod to a few of the regulars I spot around the cafe. I see Kai through the up-cycled stained-glass screen that separates his potting table from the rest of the cafe.
‘Oh yes.’ Angelika smiles. ‘Astrologically speaking, this couldn’t be a better time. Your mom asked me to pull some cards.’
‘I’m sorry she’s bothering you.’ I hope she isn’t getting into trouble with Kai for annoying the customers. ‘I’ll tell her to stick to coffee and plants.’ My mom could insert herself into a concrete wall. She has no boundaries. I could handle this when she stayed on her side of the Hudson River in New Jersey, but now she’s punching the clock at a job two floors below where I live. I’ll never be able to manage her.
‘Your mom’s not bothering me. I adore her. Everyone does. She even walked one of Damola’s dogs yesterday.’
We’ve all been helping fill the gap for Damola, who is short-staffed and trying to finish some music he’s working on. Last week, I walked a bossy dachshund named Tuna. Really, Tuna walked me since I didn’t have much choice in the speed or direction of the walk.
‘Sam,’ Angelika says in a sweet and gentle voice. ‘Kai told me about the thing with the publisher. I’m sorry. I know you wanted it. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, the path we are given always leads us to the place we need to be.’
I guess my path is away from writing and toward Brands to the Rescue. Maybe she’s saying I just have to stop resisting it and be open to becoming a full-time ‘normal’.
Angelika’s next client comes in, a frail woman with an anxious look, so I say goodbye and walk over to the counter. I watch my mom serve a frothy drink to a man with multiple piercings on one ear lobe and a tattoo across his neck. He leaves and my mom smiles and waves when she spots me. No matter the circumstances my mom is always thrilled to see me and that feels good. ‘Kai is it okay if I take my break now?’ she shouts over her shoulder.
Kai looks up from the bonsai they are working on and nods. My mother takes off her apron and comes around the counter to hug me. I’m about to trick her into giving me what I want. When her plan fails miserably, I’ll have Paul on standby. I wonder if she can smell it on me – the combination of deception and guilt.
‘Rajesh, we’re ready,’ she says and leads me to a table where a boy no older than eighteen in a bright blue hoodie is sitting reading a textbook.
‘Who is this?’ I whisper to her as she leads me over.
‘My legal counsel,’ she says.
‘Hello Mrs Carmichael.’
‘Good afternoon, Rajesh. Did you get a chance to ask Jessica out?’ He shakes his head and looks down. ‘Confidence. Remember what we talked about. You’re a handsome and charming young man. She’d be lucky to hang a chill with you.’ The kid smiles meekly.
‘I think you mean “to have a chill hang”,’ I say.
‘That’s what I said.’ She shrugs.
‘Mom, what’s going on?’
‘I told you. Rajesh is my legal counsel. He’s a first-year student at NYU and he’s taking a course called legal something-or-other. What’s it called again, dear?’
‘It’s called Law and Ethics,’ he says, his voice cracking.
‘That’s great,’ I say. ‘So, since it’s the beginning of September, that means you are in what? Week three?’ I ask. He nods. ‘I’m sure he’s qualified.’ I want to tell Rajesh to blink twice if he needs help but I’m not sure how I would help him. My mother would be too formidable even if we teamed up.
‘Rajesh is very bright, and he also taught me how much matcha powder to use in the latte.’
‘Oh, what was I thinking? Let’s get him a spot on the Supreme Court,’ I say.
‘No, thanks,’ he says as if I was going to promote him this afternoon. ‘I might want to go into game design. I’m not sure yet.’
‘Rajesh, I told you.’ She puts her hand on his shoulder for encouragement. ‘You have to follow your passion.’ She sits down at the table and I take the seat next to Rajesh. ‘Now, let’s begin. I only have a short break,’ my mother starts. ‘I thought we should have an impartial third party to discuss the rules.’ She pulls a napkin from the holder and wipes something off Rajesh’s face. Then she takes the letter I wrote from a million years ago out of her pocket and unfolds it on the table. ‘Rajesh has already reviewed a copy of the contract, and he agrees with me that it is legally binding.’
‘Mom, this piece of paper does not give you carte blanche over my life.’
‘I don’t need carte blanche. I’m your mother. I gave birth to you. I already have that.’
I cover my face with my hand. ‘The fact that you think that is exactly why we need some limits here.’ I sit up in my chair. ‘That’s part of a legal contract. Isn’t it, Rajesh?’
Rajesh nods. ‘We learned that in week one. It’s called the terms of the contract.’
‘Thank you, Rajesh. Very helpful,’ I say. ‘We need to discuss the terms . For example, how long will this last? For the rest of my life?’ I want to make sure this is a limited-time offer.
‘Don’t be ridiculous. Let’s just say a year.’
‘A year? No. No way. Are you…’ I’m about to get up and walk away from the whole crazy mess. There is no way I am giving up a year of my life. I was thinking a month at the most. But then I look over at my mom and see how invested she is. A spark is returning to her eyes that I haven’t seen since Aunt Shug passed, so I try to control my feelings. ‘Mother,’ I say, my voice calm. ‘That seems excessive. A more reasonable duration would be a few weeks.’
‘Son,’ she says in her schoolteacher’s voice. ‘I’m trying to find you the love of your life. I need at least a few months.’ She pauses and puts a finger to her chin. ‘I know. Until Valentine’s Day. That’s so romantic.’ She throws her hands together, pleased with her idea.
I can’t think of anything more depressing than including Valentine’s Day in this deranged plan. By January, I expect to be living with Paul, so that’s too late. ‘Let’s pick something in this calendar year,’ I suggest. ‘Until Cousin Ziggy’s wedding. That’s near the end of December. You want me to have a date for that, so it’s perfect. Unless you think you can’t deliver by then?’ I egg her on, hoping it will make her surrender. There is no way I can last into January.
‘I always deliver. I know what I’m doing,’ she fires back. ‘That’s fine. Cousin Ziggy’s wedding. Are you getting all this Rajesh?’ my mother asks.
‘Yes. I think so. I’ll put it all in the add-dead-da, a-dead-dah…’
He stumbles with the word, so I help him finish it. ‘Addendum,’ I say slowly, making sure I can get it out myself. ‘It’s a tricky word.’ He nods, his pen poised for further instruction.
‘I think we also need some ground rules about what exactly you’ll be doing. For example, none of this shall dissolve the Bedroom Treaty,’ I say.
‘Fine,’ my mother says. ‘The Bedroom Treaty is still in effect.’ She rolls her eyes, having never quite gotten over that defeat.
‘What’s that?’ Rajesh asks. ‘Should I write it down?’
‘Rajesh, this isn’t our first formal negotiation. When I was nine, my mother received a lifetime ban from my bedroom, excluding fire, acts of God, and laundry return.’
‘I have no intention of breaking my word on that. But write down that I am in charge of everything.’ She taps her finger on his notebook.
‘Everything?’ Rajesh asks.
‘Do not write that down, Rajesh,’ I say, and he looks at me.
‘Write it down,’ my mother says, tapping again, and Rajesh turns his head back to her. We are going to break this kid’s neck.
‘Mom, you can’t be in charge of everything.’
‘Matchmaking is an art. I can’t nail it down. Does anyone ask Julia Child how many eggs go into her souffle?’
‘As a matter of fact, they do,’ I say. ‘It’s called a recipe. She has books and books of them.’
‘Sam,’ she sighs. ‘Think of me as your personal dating coach. All you have to do is show up and follow a few simple rules.’
‘What kind of rules?’ I ask, knowing she must have a list longer than the train on Princess Diana’s wedding gown.
She wrinkles her nose. ‘Look at what you’re wearing.’
‘What’s wrong with it?’ I’m in my Brands to the Rescue uniform of khaki pants and light blue Oxford.
‘Boring. You could put someone to sleep in that. When you go on a date you have to dress appropriately. You’re a funny, vivacious person. You need bright colors that reflect who you are. A little color never hurt anyone.’
Rajesh looks at me. ‘That outfit is kind of boring.’ He picks up the letter and examines it. ‘Actually, you say here that you will “follow all my mother’s rules for dating”. It’s in the contract.’
My mother smiles, knowing I’ve been beaten. I look her in the eye. She genuinely wants to help me, but why can’t I make her understand that I don’t need help? Maybe if I just go along with her and prove to her once and for all that I don’t need her managing my life, she will stop trying to interfere. If I let her be in charge of everything , there’ll be more opportunities for her to get it wrong and prove my point. Not to mention that I plan to get something out of the whole situation myself – a happy ever after with Paul that she can’t protest. I know I’ll regret this later but I’m too eager to shift to my own agenda to go back and forth with her. She’s going to do what she wants anyway.
‘Fine,’ I say. ‘But if I agree – and it remains a big if – what do I get out of this arrangement? I have to get something, too.’
My mother gives her famous poo-poo face like I’m being ridiculous. ‘You’ll meet the love of your life. All you have to do is let go and let me be in charge. You’re perfect, but I just need to tweak a few things,’ she says, squinting at my hairline.
The fact that she seriously believes she can do this is almost too much to take in. I just sail right past her confidence. ‘But let’s say something happens, and you can’t deliver by our established deadline – Cousin Ziggy’s wedding.’
‘I always deliver,’ she says.
‘I am aware. But legally, it needs consideration. Isn’t that right, Rajesh?’
He’s in way over his head, with both the legalese and the interpersonal dynamic. I’m sure he has never seen a mother and child battle this type of negotiation. He shakes his head. ‘I don’t know. I think maybe we’re covering it in week four. Maybe I should go and ask the professor.’ His voice cracks, and he begins to get up.
‘You stay right there, Rajesh,’ my mother says. ‘You still have two free lattes to work off.’ She means business.
‘Maybe I could just pay you for the drinks?’ he asks.
‘I wouldn’t hear of it. Now, Sam, this contract is legal.’ She grabs the letter and holds it up to my face. ‘You know it, I know it. Rajesh knows it.’
‘But it needs consideration. Both parties must enter the contract with an exchange of value,’ I insist, trying to remember the page I read on LegalEagle.com.
‘Like money?’ she asks putting the letter down.
‘No, not like that. If I go along with this and by the end of the contract, you haven’t found me the perfect boyfriend after following all your rules…’ I pause, winding up. ‘You have to accept whoever I choose as a boyfriend in the future.’ She doesn’t flinch, so I go in for the kill. ‘No matter who it is.’
Her eyes narrow. ‘Fine. No matter who it is,’ she says, and I wonder if she’s thinking about Paul because I certainly am. My mother never breaks a promise. If she says she will accept whoever I choose, she will. She reaches her hand across the table and we shake, grinning at each other.
‘Can I go now?’ Rajesh asks. ‘I need to do my Spanish homework before class.’
‘Yes, Rajesh. Thank you. You’ve been very helpful. Now, make sure you ask Jessica out for coffee. Bring her here when you bring back the addendum. I want to meet her. And tell your parents about game design,’ she says, and he smiles, taking in the encouragement.
Once he has left, my mother stands up. ‘I’ll come by tomorrow evening, and we can get started. I’ll even bring some stuffed peppers I’ve been planning to defrost. I know how much you love them. This is going to be so much fun,’ she says and heads back to the counter in a burst of giddy enthusiasm.
I should be dreading all of this, but the truth is I haven’t seen her this happy in a very long time. I can almost feel some of her grief lifting and some of mine, too. If it means spending the next few months being her dating guinea pig, then so be it.
I go to leave and Angelika calls me over. ‘I want to show you something.’
‘What?’ I ask. I look down at her table and admire the faded backs of the cards strewn about. Each has a swirly blue and gold design with moons, suns, and stars.
‘I pulled a card when you were talking with your mom. Good news.’ Angelika moves her fingers over her cards and then picks one up. ‘I got this,’ she says, revealing an image of a person dressed in colorful clothes on the edge of a cliff by the water. At the bottom, it reads: ‘The Fool’.
‘The Fool?’ I ask. ‘That can’t be a good one.’
‘Oh, but it is. It means new beginnings and letting go of the past. But see that dog by the cliff?’ I look more closely and see the little pup. ‘That dog is a warning.’ Her voice shifts to something more serious than her usual lilt. ‘You have to let go of the past and see what’s in front of you in the present, or you’ll fall right off that cliff.’ I study the card for a second. The central figure is looking up at the sky, and it’s unclear if he sees the danger in front of him. Will he stop, or will he tumble off the edge?
Is this a warning about Paul? Sure, he’s part of my past, but he’s also part of my future. Or is this about something else entirely? I have no idea, but Angelika is very sweet to offer me assurance. ‘Thanks. I appreciate you looking out for me. Have a great day.’ I wave goodbye and head out of Plant Daddy. When I get outside, I see that the edges of the leaves of the gingko trees that line the block are beginning to transform from the gentle green of summer to shimmering autumn gold. The summer heat still lingers, but nothing can stop the cycle of change.