Chapter 13
I can’t remember the last time I went to Coney Island. I think Omar wanted to check out the famous Mermaid Parade one summer so we put on some ridiculous green sequined halters he found at the Housing Works thrift, decorated our faces with ocean-themed stickers and strolled the boardwalk with all the other sea creatures. Omar quickly hooked up with a hunky King Neptune and I rode the train home by myself relieved to be out of the summer heat.
I remember making notes on the way home for a story about a merman who falls in love with a lifeguard but doesn’t know how to fake drowning in the waves so the merman can never get the lifeguard’s attention. I wonder what happened to that story. I think I was working on something for Justine so either I got distracted or discouraged. Maybe both. I go to my jacket pocket now to pull out the small notebook where I jot down ideas. Then I remember: I consciously uncoupled with my moleskin a week after I got the bad news from my agent. What was the point? I’m literally turning the page on all that and starting another chapter.
A drizzle this morning gave way to a gray autumn sky and the first chilly morning of the fall. It’s the perfect September day to indulge in a frothy pumpkin spice cookie mocha, but I could fly to the Bahamas faster than the N train takes to get to the last stop in Brooklyn, so I skip it in order to be on time.
I’m officially representing Brands to the Rescue at this event and I want to make sure everything goes smoothly. Press will be there and even someone from the mayor’s office since this school was just awarded a big grant. I have something to prove today, not just to Robert, but to myself. And if I’m being honest to Paul too. I want the world to see me as a functioning adult instead of a wannabe writer.
When I told Paul about all the events I’ve been working on he said he was impressed and that Robert would be out of his mind not to hire me. He sent me a vintage mid-seventies burgundy Coach briefcase with little combination locks on each side to celebrate our new future. It’s elegant and refined, just like Paul. Even though it’s not my style and too impractical to bring with me on the subway, I love it. Paul’s making an effort and that means a lot to me.
I enter the school auditorium but can’t find Finn. Sometimes I travel to events with clients but I wanted to give Finn his space. I hope he didn’t get lost. As I pass by a window, I see Finn sitting on a curb in an alley. I reach for the door to head out to him but before I do I pause. I’m hyper-aware that he makes me feel like I’m on my back foot, and it’s not just that he’s effortlessly sexy. It’s the way he zeroes in on me with those tough questions and hazel eyes.
I hear the students approaching the auditorium. I take a deep breath and channel my best Melanie Griffith in Working Girl , telling myself I can do this . I open the side door and head outside to tell him where the presentation will be. ‘Thanks for showing up this morning. Did you have any trouble finding your way?’
‘A little. Manhattan is a grid but out here in Brooklyn, it’s a maze,’ he says, trying to be pleasant but his attention is elsewhere.
‘I think they’re about to start. Maybe you should get on stage?’ I ask, trying not to push him.
‘I haven’t been in a high school for a long time.’ He takes a long breath in and then out. I notice him rubbing his hands together tightly.
‘I know. It’s weird, huh?’ I open the side door, hoping that will signal him enough to get inside. The panel is about to start, and it will look bad if he walks on stage after it’s begun.
‘I gotta be honest – it’s a bit more than weird.’ His chin tilts back and his eyes look up at the sky. Something heavy is going on. I close the door. It will take a few minutes for everyone to settle.
‘You okay?’
‘It’s funny how a school auditorium in Brooklyn can remind me so much of the same space back home on the other side of the country.’ Finn moves his bangs off his face. ‘I’m sorry. I needed air. Some not-great memories came back when I got here. Had to get a grip on them.’
‘I know high school can be rough for a lot of queer kids,’ I say and take a seat next to him on the curb.
‘Were you teased a lot?’ he asks, turning to look at me.
‘Relentlessly,’ I say, thinking about how I learned the class schedule of my bullies every year so I could make sure we were never in the same hallway. School was a nightmare, but I tried to be over-involved like a lot of young gay kids, hoping that so much activity would help me be more of a blur to the people around me than a target. I learned to make friends who would be allies so I could hide behind them. I wanted nothing more than to be invisible back then. That was my strategy but it didn’t always work.
‘I’m sorry you had to go through that,’ he says.
‘Thanks. Were you? Teased at school?’ I ask. I’m the kind of person who never really had to come out. Everyone assumed I was gay long before I did. I mean it’s not every sixth grader who has a shrine to Joan Crawford in their locker. But Finn strikes me as the kind of person who had to tell people he was gay. I’m not sure anyone would guess he is but I’m making a lot of assumptions.
‘I wasn’t out in high school. I mean I didn’t know I was bi. I didn’t really think about it. I told you I wasn’t good in algebra. I wasn’t good in anything,’ he says with a slight tremble in his voice. ‘I lashed out a lot. I couldn’t get control of my emotions. I didn’t have any friends. Didn’t want them. I was a quote “anti-social juvenile delinquent” end quote. That’s what my parents called me.’ He rubs his eyes and then mutters under his breath, ‘At least when they were around.’ I had imagined he’d had a great childhood – how else could he walk around with so much confidence? But I guess even the strongest structures can have cracks in the foundation. I nod and try to show him that I’m listening.
‘My parents were always working,’ he continues. ‘I was alone a lot and always getting into trouble. A bunch of different schools kicked me out. I never had any friends because my parents never fought to keep me in one place. They’d just send me to a new school thinking it would solve the problem but it never did. Sometimes I just did something stupid and sometimes I did something bad. I sat in the principal’s office more than I ever sat in a classroom. No record but I have seen the back seat of a cop car more than once. Anyway that was a long time ago.’
He seems so accomplished and talented. It’s hard to imagine him any other way but it’s clear he’s struggling with some unpleasant memories.
‘I did a lot of things in high school that I’m not very proud of. I mean, I never hurt anyone except myself, I guess, and a lot of public property. I might not have had any friends but I always had a crowbar and cans of spray paint. I couldn’t help but remember a lot of bad feelings walking in today.’ His eyes focus on the ground as his head hangs down.
I was apprehensive coming out here to talk to him. I thought he’d make me nervous again but instead he’s the one on edge. I want to help him at this moment, and I’m aware that it’s more than a professional obligation. I want to listen to him and understand more.
‘You were just a kid,’ I say.
‘That’s what I tell myself. But I was pretty messed up until Mrs Perez. I learned to put my energy into my work. I tried to drop the destructive part but the loner part has always stuck.’ He rubs his hands together like he is trying to change the channel on what he’s thinking but can’t. ‘What would my parents say if I told them I was speaking at a high school to inspire kids?’ He shakes his head and his hair falls back in front of his eyes. ‘They’d never believe it.’
‘They don’t know you’re here today?’ I ask. My mother’s constant inquiries about my whereabouts never stop. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has put a tracking device on me, but I have no way to prove it.
Finn laughs. ‘They don’t know I’m in New York. They don’t have any idea where I am. They kicked me out after I was thrown out of the last school. Haven’t spoken to them in years.’
My mom and I are so connected. I can’t even imagine how that must feel. He puts his hand over his mouth and then looks at me seriously. ‘Let me guess. Student Council, National Honors Society, French Club.’ His tone is playful so I am assuming he doesn’t want to talk about what he just said.
‘You’re wrong,’ I say. ‘I wasn’t in the French Club. I was vice president of the Spanish Club. So there.’ I was involved in too many things, never settling on any one interest. Always hiding behind a different door.
‘Oh excuse, me,’ he laughs but it’s only a temporary break from his apprehension.
I can hear the crowd growing, and even though Robert will push me off the top of the building if I don’t get him in there, I say, ‘You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. If being inside that auditorium makes you too stressed out we can just walk away. I’ll make up some excuse. I’m making them up to my mother all the time.’
He grins. ‘That’s sweet. But I know this is a big event. I saw all the Board of Education bigwigs and the press in there. The gallery expects me to do a good job.’
‘So what? The only big wigs I care about are the ones at My Own Private Eye Shadow.’
He laughs. ‘What’s that?’
‘Only the most amazing drag show in Hell’s Kitchen. I can’t believe you haven’t heard of it.’ He shakes his head. ‘You should come with.’ He perks up, giving me a look that makes me add, ‘A bunch of people go. It’s really an informal thing. Usually, a group gathers at Plant Daddy before heading over.’ For a second I wonder if I can set him up with one of my friends, and then I realize I’m as bad as my mother. Still my mind scrolls through a list of people who might be into him. For a second I think maybe I’d be… but I wipe that thought from my head. A sexy artist like Finn would never be interested in a corporate drone like me, even if it’s only a role I pretend to play. He’s not my type and I’m not looking. I’ll be living with Paul in a few months.
‘Do you want to get out of here and ditch this?’ I ask, getting up from the curb.
‘No,’ he says. ‘I’m good. Thank you. For listening. I think in my field of work I get too comfortable being the one asking the questions. I don’t really get to be on the other side. I think I need that sometimes.’ He gets up and stretches his neck to look through the window, unintentionally showing off his lithe frame. He watches the kids fooling around and being rowdy. ‘Look at that. Might be some fellow juvenile delinquents in there. Maybe I can say something that will help them figure out what to do with their lives.’
‘Are you sure?’ I ask. I’d be grateful if he went through with it, but my offer to ditch was genuine. I want the full-time position, but I’m not going to cause harm to get it.
‘Absolutely. Let’s go,’ he says and opens the door for me. We walk back into the auditorium together and I watch him walk up to the stage to take a seat.