Chapter 28
‘Why won’t you tell me anything about your date?’ I ask Omar. We are up at his place going through his endless wardrobe. The fact is Omar looks good in everything so that makes the decision harder. His apartment is identical to mine, just two floors up, but at this moment, his is hidden beneath an avalanche of shirts, pants, and shoes that he has tried on and discarded.
‘I told you I don’t want to jinx it.’
‘But this is the third date with this guy and I don’t know anything about him.’
‘That’s only because I’ve been so busy pattern cutting at Vanata, and I have to get my own stuff ready for the spring shows. I’m grateful your mom has been covering my shifts.’
‘At least tell me something?’ I beg.
‘What do you think of this?’ He holds up an earring with a dangling arrow beneath the post.
‘You don’t have a pierced ear,’ I remind him.
‘I thought you could pierce it for me before I go. I’ve got a needle somewhere.’ He starts opening a few drawers and looking under a pile of shirts.
‘We are not the Pink Ladies and this is not Grease . I’m already overcoming one of my fears tonight. I think conquering my fainting response to blood can wait.’
‘Fine,’ he says and puts the earring on the top of his dresser. ‘I’ve heard Swingers is a blast. You’ll have a great time and at least you’re going with someone you like. Finn seems wonderful. He’s always very friendly at Plant Daddy. Angelika adores him and Damola lets him wear his headphones to listen to stuff and you know he lets almost no one do that. Even Kai likes him.’
‘Yes, I like Finn but I don’t like-like him,’ I say and wonder when my life became an episode of The Gilmore Girls . ‘He’s a very nice person, I guess. A little too into his art and a bit too intense.’
‘All I’m saying is you should approach the evening with an open mind,’ Omar says.
‘You’re starting to sound just like my mom.’
‘At least she’s letting you wear what you want. That’s your favorite shirt.’
It is. I usually save it for special events where I’m trying to impress someone. It’s a simple black denim shirt with mother-of-pearl buttons up the front. I was surprised when I impulsively grabbed it, but it’s such a cool shirt. If I’m gonna die falling off a trapeze, might as well do it in something I like.
‘She’s not entirely letting me pick my own wardrobe.’ I pull down my jeans just enough to show a hideous rainbow peeking out from my backside. They match the socks she got me last month.
‘Ooooh. I love those.’
‘She made me send her a picture to confirm.’
‘I have to ask her where she got them.’ He brushes his face with some kind of powder and looks in the mirror.
‘You look fantastic. Let’s go,’ I say, and we walk downstairs and out of the building together where the car he ordered is waiting for him.
‘Do I at least get to know this guy’s name?’ I ask as he confirms with the driver and opens the door.
‘I’ll tell you later,’ he says and closes the door. Omar’s mysterious behavior is out of character, but I’m certain that once his busy schedule eases up, he’ll spill all the details.
Swingers is a converted warehouse on the West Side Highway that houses a school for the circus arts. It’s become a date destination in the city, although I have no idea why. Who wants to see their date dangling from some swinging bar in the sky unless the date is really not going well. I walk in at the time my mother has designated and look for Finn but he sees me first.
‘Great shirt,’ he says and I’m immediately glad I chose to wear it. It’s always nice to be complimented.
‘Yours too,’ I say. He’s wearing a sky blue vintage bowling shirt that hugs his chest tightly and looks great with his hazel-green eyes. I wouldn’t have thought it was his style.
‘Yeah, I like it too, but I can’t take credit for it,’ he says adjusting the buttons.
‘Why not?’
‘Your mom told me to wear it. In fact, she insisted. It was part of the package she gave me.’
‘She gave you a package?’ I ask and my mind reels at what manner of rules and instructions were included.
‘Yeah, and don’t worry. No dairy tonight. She was pretty clear about that rule.’
I cover my face with my hands and rub my eyes. ‘I’m sorry. It’s the only way to get her off my back and make her happy. But I signed up for this. There’s no reason you need to get tangled up in our crazy stuff. Your situation is complicated. My situation is complicated. If you wanted to walk out right now, I’d understand. I mean this isn’t even an actual date.’
I look up at the trapeze and see people swinging. It looks terrifying but it also looks like everyone is having fun.
‘I’m game if you are. I’d love to get up there.’ He looks up at the ladder and platform. His face is full of excitement. ‘A purely platonic, kinetic experience. What do you think?’
I look up, and all the hopeful anticipation from a few seconds ago has been replaced with a generalized anxiety, but I’m in too deep to say no, and it looks like Finn wants to do this. ‘Let’s fly,’ I say and we head over to get suited up.
Our instructor is a young woman so effervescent I find it hard to believe she needs a trapeze to fly at all. Her name is Mindi Kim and you can hear the hearts over the i’s in her name. I was hoping for someone with more gravitas who approached the entire thing like a plan to escape a prison, but Mindi Kim it is. She explains how all the riggings work, and we do some practice exercises from the beloved safety of the ground. Finn is incredibly good at each challenge. It’s clear he’s a natural athlete. When it’s time to grab the practice bar that hangs at eye level, he has no problem leaning forward and shifting his weight correctly so he can grab and swing in one fluid motion.
Then it’s my turn. ‘You got this,’ he says. ‘It’s not as hard as it looks.’ He has no idea what it is like to live in my body. Sports are something I’ve avoided my entire life. Mindi goes over the instructions again, explaining that I hold on to the end of the ladder with one hand, lean forward, and then release my other hand as I shift my weight – a series of instructions that seem impossible.
‘Ready? Go,’ she says. I try to remember the proper order, and I let go of the pole that stands in for the ladder and lean forward, but my weight is too much to keep me balanced, so I try to shift back, but it’s too late and I fall smack on my face on the mat. I stay on the ground for a second, too embarrassed to get up.
Finn kneels down next to me and puts his mouth close to my ear. ‘You okay, Sam?’ I can feel his breath on my face and his concern. It’s very sweet and makes me feel like maybe I can do it. I start to get up and he offers his hand. I grab it and I feel a jolt of something, maybe confidence. The feeling must have something to do with the fact that I am minutes away from repeating this fall from a much greater height. I look into Finn’s eyes and wonder if the feeling has anything to do with him.
‘I’m fine. Nothing hurt except my ego. I don’t know. Maybe I should watch you from down here.’
‘Is that what you want?’ he asks.
‘What I want is to not fall from a hundred feet in the air and break my neck as I get tangled in that net. I think I can accomplish that better by watching from down here.’ I point to the ground to make my point.
‘You’d rather watch from the sidelines instead of being up there?’ He points toward the tower platform.
I want to yell, ‘Yes, yes, yes!’ Of course, I do. I’m much more comfortable on the sidelines, near the action but not part of it. I like to be behind-the-scenes holding the ropes. It’s where I’m always the most comfortable, but something about the way Finn is looking at me makes me think that maybe I should change that. At least for tonight. Mindi explained that there’s a safety net to catch me if I fall. Maybe that’s what I have been waiting for my whole life – a safety net.
‘I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to do. If you want we can take off all this stuff and grab a beer. Should we just get out of here?’ he asks. When he says he is going to take off all this stuff for a second I feel something stir in me like I wouldn’t mind him taking off all that stuff at all. Maybe he should start with the harness and only stop when he gets to his underwear.
What am I thinking? I tell myself it’s just my brain trying to find a way to avoid the situation. This is an opportunity for me to do exactly what I’ve been saying I want to do lately: grow up.
‘No. It looks like fun. Let’s do it,’ I say, trying to convince myself. ‘But you go first? Okay?’
‘No problem,’ he says.
Mindi promises she will be with us the whole time. She starts crawling up the ladder to the platform and then Finn follows her. I take one foot and put it on the first rung and stop. I give my other foot a quick pep talk that convinces it to join the first and I begin my ascent with a great deal less enthusiasm than Mindi or Finn.
From up here, I can see the entire building, and everyone is watching us, which makes me more nervous. There is a man already swinging way on the other side of the trapeze scaffolding, waiting to catch us.
‘You okay?’ Finn asks.
I shake my head slowly from side to side. I’m scared talking will make the platform sway more than it is. Mindi goes over the instructions again, and then it’s Finn’s turn. He has no hesitation whatsoever. He grabs the swing, gives a countdown and he’s off. Finn is all ease and confidence. His body arches and flows in ways that make him look like an elegant bird. An elegant, sexy bird – but I try to stay focused on watching his technique. After the first swing, he’s ready to turn upside down and get up to speed. He’s effortless on the trapeze and soon he has the speed needed for the release. I watch as the catcher matches his tempo and energy. Finn releases from his trapeze and the man across the way catches him.
Finn shouts, ‘Yes!’ And I notice a few people doing the ground exercises are watching and applauding. Finn releases his hands and gently falls to the net. He immediately looks up at me with a big thumbs up. ‘You can do it!’ he shouts and then rolls off the net to watch from down below.
No, I can’t! I yell back in my head.
Mindi goes over everything one more time. She hands me the trapeze bar. I grab the end of the ladder with my other hand. I lean forward like we were taught to do and begin to shift my bodyweight until my other hand releases its grip on the ladder. I lean forward until the platform is no longer under my feet and I’m flying. It’s exhilarating. Everything around me is a blur which allows the sensation to be more focused. The part of my brain that has been holding me back is silent. I suddenly feel confident and able to do anything. I get my speed up and go through the steps in my head. I’m able to hook my legs around the bar without too much difficulty and that makes me feel even more confident.
I hear Finn screaming, ‘Yes, yes, yes!’ And he’s pumping his fists in the air with each step I accomplish. ‘Gooooo Sam!’ he screams but he doesn’t make me feel pressure. I feel like I can do it, so I signal to the catcher and let my body take over. My brain butts in and says, Will he catch you? Will this stranger catch you? but I shut it down. I focus on the energy Finn is sending me from the ground.
I take another swing using all my bodyweight to get as high as I can and then I release my legs from the trapeze and stretch out my arms hoping someone will be there. For a few seconds, I am literally flying. I’ve released the trapeze, and I’m not yet caught. I’m just in this moment of being alone in the ether. I realize this is the exact sensation I have spent so much of my life avoiding. But before I can give it another thought, I reach for the catcher, and he grabs me.
I did it. We swing together and the momentum carries me from one side of the building to the other. I let go and fall gently to the net and just lay on my back and let the satisfaction of the experience come over me. I did it.
My entire body is nothing but adrenaline. I can feel every part pulsing on the net as I stare up at the ceiling and the platform where I stood frightened a few minutes ago. I want to do it again and again and again. I roll across the net and my excitement builds until I hop off the net and Finn is waiting for me.
‘Great job. You did it, Sam! You did it!’ He has this grin on his face that is a combination of excitement and pride. I can tell his body is still buzzing from his turn up there, but I can also tell he’s happy for me. He saw how nervous I was and he got me through. I appreciate his support so much, but right now, my words are limited since the experience was so visceral and so corporal. I can’t get my mind to make my mouth work in the way I usually do.
‘Thank you,’ I say and my body takes over. My lips aim for the side of his face but I’m still so revved up my aim is off and I come closer to his lips than I intended. I give him a friendly kiss but once my lips are on his face I’m not so sure how friendly it is. I press my lips against him again. This time I’m even a bit closer to his mouth and then I feel his lips move a bit closer toward mine and the edges of our mouths are connected. I know I should back away but I don’t. I should move my face away from his but these brief seconds feel so intense that my mind can’t do anything but feel them. His stubble brushes my lips and for a moment I think his mouth is moving closer to mine. I move mine closer to him. Our lips are touching and I feel his tongue move toward mine.
Then, my mind suddenly comes back online and shoves my heart and body to the side. What am I doing? I shake my head just enough to change the channel in my brain and push myself away from him. I try to be as subtle as possible but Finn notices.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says softly. I should acknowledge what just happened but I’m not sure what to say so instead I try ignoring it but he can tell I’m more than aware that something just happened between us. What exactly? I’m not sure.
‘That was awesome you two!’ Mindy says breaking the spell. Everything shifts again and reality enters. ‘Do you want to go again?’
‘Yes,’ I say before she can barely finish the question. I know I want to feel what I just felt again. Only do I want to feel the sensation of swinging through the air or the one I felt on the ground with Finn? Maybe both?