Chapter 29
‘There’s nothing to tell,’ I say to Omar with one eye on the door. My mom starts her shift at Plant Daddy in an hour but she’s known for being ridiculously early to things so she could pop in at any moment. ‘It was kind of Finn to go along with my mom’s plan and we had a very nice time actually.’ I don’t say a word about what happened after my first trapeze swing, how I felt uneasy for the rest of the night and the horrible feeling of wanting the night to last longer and longer living alongside the feeling that I should leave and run back to my apartment alone. He’s such a gentleman that he didn’t even come close to talking about the lip touching situation and I’m too much of a scaredy cat to bring it up. I can’t even bring it up to Omar.
‘Are you willing to acknowledge that your mother might know what she’s doing?’ Omar says, putting a small succulent in a bag before entering the sale. He reminds the customer to place the plant in a sunny spot before handing them the bag and waving goodbye. ‘You had a nice time. She knows how to plan a date.’
‘She knows how to interfere. It wasn’t a real date. He was just helping me out. He knows that.’ I think he does. Maybe I should have been clearer about it but I think I was. Wasn’t I?
‘But why wasn’t it a real date? Why couldn’t it be?’ Omar asks.
‘You know why,’ I say. I don’t mention Paul’s name because I don’t want to hear him go off on Paul and how he’s a cheater, etc. All that is going to be different. I want to tell Omar about all the plans Paul has for our apartment but I take a different approach. ‘Finn is just a kid really. He’s like more than five years younger. I was in high school when he was in middle school. That’s weird.’ I know it’s a weak defense.
‘Paul was in law school when you were in kindergarten,’ Omar responds.
‘That’s not true.’ I quickly try to do the math in my head but give up. ‘Well, not entirely,’ I concede. ‘I could never see myself with a guy like Finn.’
‘He’s not your type? He’s one of the most beautiful, sexy, charming guys I’ve seen you with. How is that not your type?’
‘Exactly. It would never work out. He’s too cool for school and I’m an after-school special. Seriously, Omar what do people think when they see us together? I’m sure they think we’re friends. Like you and me. Hot guys like Finn do not date guys like me. Sure, in the beginning, my charming personality might be enough to make a guy like that interested, but that gets boring.’
‘I will not let you speak about my best friend that way and you have it completely backward. I’ve dated a ton of super-hot guys.’
‘You are a super-hot guy,’ I say.
‘Thank you,’ he says. ‘And by the way that is how you take a compliment. But that’s not my point. My point is a connection is what lasts. You and Finn have a connection.’
I can’t really deny that with any plausibility. A customer comes up to the counter and orders a complicated to-go order saving me from having to explain myself further to Omar. When he comes back from making the drinks I make sure to be the one in the driver’s seat of the conversation.
‘Speaking of dates, it’s your turn. How did it go? Are you ready to tell me about the mystery man? Was it that guy from the gym who wears his hair pulled back in that sloppy ponytail? Or the guy who orders the London Fog latte and tips you twice the price of the drink?’
‘No and no,’ he says adjusting the bow of the blousy black-and-white top he has on under his apron.
‘More importantly will there be another date?’ I ask, raising my eyebrows. It’s not like Omar to be so cagey with the details. Usually by this point in the relationship I know the guy’s shoe size and his favorite post-workout drink. But I’m holding back also so I can’t really push too much. It’s not that I don’t trust Omar. I do. I don’t trust myself to describe the date without conveying the overwhelming feelings I had being with Finn.
After we left Swingers we followed my mother’s directions and went to Viva! Viva! Viva! for nachos with vegan cheese and margaritas for the second part of our date. We eventually strayed from my mother’s script and talked about Sunset Boulevard and Moonlight but this time the conversation was easy and productive. We made a plan for our presentation that we both like. When the night ended, I made sure to be standing at least a yard away from him to say goodbye, which made it difficult to hear him over the traffic of the West Side Highway, but it was safer than having my mouth anywhere near his. I thanked him for going along with the plan and waved goodbye.
Omar can sense I’m not being completely upfront with him but I can’t help wanting to know more about his date. ‘Can you at least tell me his socials so I can look your guy up?’ I ask.
‘Doesn’t have them,’ Omar says plainly but the statement is shocking. I don’t think Omar has ever dated a guy without a huge social media presence. It’s not uncommon to reject social media, I certainly barely pay attention to it, but the kind of guy that Omar usually falls for is a bit narcissistic, if I’m being honest.
‘I understand you both had dates last night,’ Kai says as he approaches us with a small aloe plant on his lap. He’s carefully cutting off the parts of the plant that have turned brown.
‘We did,’ Omar says and I nod.
‘Scale of one to ten, one being root rot and ten being blossom time, how were they?’ he asks.
‘Sam’s sounds like it was a ten and mine was an eleven,’ Omar says but before I can get more information, my mother comes in for her shift. Early, of course.
‘Good morning, everyone,’ she says to the entire cafe. Customers wave hello and Kai perks up when he sees her. She comes over to us and instead of greeting me first she gives Kai a friendly kiss on the cheek.
‘Look at that aloe. She’s doing much better.’ My mom gently touches the plant but keeps her eyes on Kai.
‘I think you’re right, Glory. Exactly right.’ He gazes up at her.
‘Good morning, Omar. Good morning, Sam,’ she says as she walks behind the counter, stuffs her purse on a shelf and puts her coat on a hook. ‘Son, I thought you were going to that Brands Will Not Rescue You job today. Did you come to your senses and quit?’
‘Oh, I see. You’re saying the inside part out loud now. As a matter of fact, I’m heading into the office in a few minutes.’
‘Wonderful, I can hear all about your date while I’m getting ready for my shift.’ She grabs her apron off the hook near the tea tins and pulls it over her head.
This is the part I was dreading most. I knew she would grill me about that date with Finn. I could try to make a break for it and head to work but she’ll see right through that.
‘Omar, you go first, please.’ I figure this will buy me some time and I’ll get to hear more about his evening.
‘I already texted Glory all the details this morning,’ Omar says and then my mom points her finger at him and he points a finger back at her. It’s some playful game they must have developed while pulling espressos together. My mom has always liked Omar but her relationship with him has always been through me. Now, it seems like they have their own thing going, which is not surprising considering they work together. A teeny tiny part of me is jealous, but they’re the two people I love most, so it’s hard not just to be happy that they’re connected. Still, I worry about their alchemy.
‘So, you two are texting?’ I ask without judgment.
‘Omar doesn’t have a problem answering simple questions. Unlike you, son.’
‘What do you want to know?’ I ask falling right into her trap. She baited me and I swallowed it. Now I’m stuck.
‘I want to know everything. Did you fly through the air and was Finn waiting for you on the ground ready to embrace? Did you finally see why he’s so perfect for you? Did you make sure to order the margaritas without salt?’ Then she turns to Kai. ‘Sam’s sodium intake is way too high.’ Kai nods. ‘Is that what happened?’ she asks turning to me.
‘No,’ I say. ‘That is not what happened.’ At least the salt-less margarita part didn’t happen. I love salt. ‘Mom, we had a perfectly fine time. Finn is a nice guy. He would have to be to go along with your date plan. Did you both know she sent Finn a mile long list of rules for the date?’ I stare at Kai and Omar hoping I can pull them to my side. ‘Helicopter much, Mom?’
She pretends to be offended when in truth it is impossible to offend her. ‘I am not a helicopter parent or a snowplow.’ Her voice is defiant. ‘I’m an Octopus Mom. No, wait, I mean a tiger.’ She puts her hand to her chin. ‘No that’s wrong too. It’s some kind of animal…?’
‘Is it a swan? You look like a swan,’ Kai says and my mom smiles.
‘Maybe a cheetah. They’re super-fast. Are you a Cheetah Mom?’ Omar asks.
I can’t take it a second longer. ‘What does it matter?’ My voice is a bit too loud.
‘You’re right, son. It doesn’t matter,’ she says, babying me. ‘When is your next date with Finn? That’s what matters. Do you think you’re ready to plan one solo. I’m happy to do it, but I don’t want anyone to think of me as controlling.’
‘There isn’t going to be a second date. He’s a nice guy but there are no sparks, he’s not my type, I’m not interested.’ That phrase has been in my repertoire since this whole thing started. No sparks. Not my type. Not interested.
‘You say that about every guy. You look me in the eyes and tell me there were no sparks with Finn. Go ahead.’ She stands on her tiptoes and supports herself on the counter with her arms so she can have her face level with mine.
I look at her about to do exactly what she thinks I won’t do. I bend down slightly so my face is right in front of hers, open my mouth and say, ‘This is ridiculous.’
‘You can’t do it.’
‘I can do it. I don’t want to do it. There’s a difference.’
‘I don’t think you’re taking this seriously,’ my mother says. ‘Do either of you think he is?’ She looks at Kai and Omar.
‘I think you’re doing a wonderful job, Glory,’ Kai says.
‘And you Omar? What do you think? You’re Sam’s best friend but I know you can be impartial. Is Sam taking this seriously?’
Omar looks at me and I stare him down so hard I think he might fall over. ‘I think… there is a Boston fern that needs fertilizer on the other side of the cafe so I had better go over there.’ He nods toward the fern. ‘Kai will you join me?’ Omar asks. Kai nods and they both get away from us as fast as they can.
‘Sam, the point is if we are going to do this we have to do this right. I’ve presented you with an abundant buffet of wonderful matches. Each one a hand-crafted Glory Carmichael experience.’ She raises her hand as if seeing each word in bright lights on a marquee. ‘Surely one of these guys is worthy of a second date.’
‘None of them,’ I say quickly.
‘That doesn’t make any sense. Hold on.’ She dips below the counter and grabs the boulder she carries around called a purse. She fumbles around and then pulls out her multi-tabbed notebook. Flips through it and then rips out a few sheets. ‘This is a list of every guy I’ve set you up with since we started. I want you to review it and choose one to bring to Thanksgiving.’
‘You want me to bring someone from this group of lunatics to your house for Thanksgiving.’
‘Many of these boys are very nice. I have personally vetted each one.’ She looks over the list. ‘Oh, but cross out Ken and Teddy. They won’t work.’ I barely remember Teddy but Ken was about three weeks ago just before Halloween. A nice guy who taught kindergarten and smelled of crayons and paste.
‘Why?’ I ask out of curiosity.
‘They’ll be in Puerto Vallarta for the holiday. Ken just told me. As a couple! I might add. Your mother knows what she’s doing.’
‘Let me get this straight. You don’t care who I bring but I have to bring someone to Thanksgiving dinner.’ I’m creating just the loophole I need in order to bring Paul.
‘Yes. Well, wait.’ She thinks. ‘It can’t be Omar, of course.’
‘Of course. Agreed,’ I say formally. ‘I assume he’s already coming.’
‘He is, with a date,’ my mother adds. Omar has come to Thanksgiving at my house for years but he’s only brought a date twice. The first was a bodybuilder who cried over the fact that we didn’t have keto-approved cranberry sauce. The second was a twink who ate almost half the turkey and was never heard from again. But those were both a few years ago.
‘Do you have anything to do with this mystery date?’ I ask.
‘I would never meddle in Omar’s love life. Unless he asked me to, of course.’
‘That’s not a no,’ I say. She walks back to the counter and I walk out to leave. But as I open the door I run into Rajesh.
‘How did your midterm in Law and Ethics go?’ I ask. I know he was studying for it last week in his favorite booth with Jessica.
‘Not so great,’ he says with a nervous frown. ‘I think I failed. Maybe I’m not cut out for law.’
I nod and say, ‘Why don’t you tell that to the woman in the neon Is It Me or Is It Gay in Here? T-shirt?’