Chapter 40
We land in Newark, and I head directly to ground transportation, where weary travelers are lined up for ride shares into the city. But when I get in the car waiting for me, I don’t give an address in Manhattan.
‘Hello. I’m going to 793 Hawthorne Court in Leonia.’
‘New Jersey?’ he asks.
‘I’m afraid so,’ I say. He exits the airport and we drive up the Garden State Parkway. In less than an hour I’m knocking on my mom’s front door.
‘Sam!’
‘Mom.’ I throw my bag down and wrap my arms around her and she squeezes me with her usual combination of fierceness and love. I’ve messed things up so much. I don’t want to let go. I want to stay in her embrace as long as I can but I have to sit down with her and come clean.
As soon as we separate she can see all the pain and confusion on my face. My cheeks are still red and stained with tears from crying throughout the flight back from Miami. ‘Sam, what’s wrong? What happened? Are you okay?’ She sits as close to me as she can on the couch and puts her hands on mine. ‘I’m your mother. I love you. You can always tell me anything. I will never not love you.’
I know she wants to make me feel better but hearing how much she loves me only makes the tears shoot out of my face like those water pistols you use to inflate balloons at a carnival game.
‘Son, what’s wrong? Nothing is forever. This will pass.’ She rubs my back with her hand. ‘I love you.’
‘I love you too, Mom,’ I say wiping my eyes. ‘But I have to be honest with you. I only went along with your plan so I could be with…’ It’s hard to even say his name at this point. My throat tightens, but I’m able to croak out, ‘Paul.’ I look at her face, expecting to see anger or shock but she’s undisturbed. ‘I thought he was getting divorced. For real this time. I thought we could make it work, but I was wrong. I was totally wrong.’
‘Oh.’ She shakes her head and her curls bounce. ‘You think I didn’t know Paul was back in the picture?’ She rubs my back with her hand.
‘How could you know?’
‘A mother knows.’ She shrugs. ‘I understand, son. I do.’ Her hand stays on my back, supporting me as I’m crying. Something about being with my mother makes it easier for me to release everything: all the emotion, the hurt, and the frustration.
‘Paul was in Miami, and I wanted to go to Cousin Ziggy’s wedding with him. I thought that after you realized you couldn’t find anyone I liked, you’d have to accept Paul. But it all backfired.’
‘I have to admit, I like your thinking. I respect a solid plan like that,’ she says, reviewing the situation in her mind.
‘And I went along with everything because I know how much you miss Aunt Shug. How much we both do. I thought it would take your mind off her.’
‘Oh, my sweet boy. I miss her terribly but I don’t want to take my mind off her.’
‘But you seemed so sad before, whenever I would mention her name or something that reminds us of her.’
‘That’s part of grief. But I don’t want to forget about her. I love that she’s still with me in so many ways. I love talking about Shug. Kai and I talk about her all the time, and he talks about his last partner, Cheryl, who passed away, and how he misses her. It’s one of the things that I love about Kai.’ She leans toward me. ‘He’s always willing to talk and listen. I can tell him the same story five times in a row and he doesn’t care.’
‘It sounds like you and Kai are very close.’ The thought relieves my pain a bit.
‘Closer every day. We spend time at Plant Daddy and we talk on the phone and text and we’re going to a protest for food equity next week. Which I would like to see you at, come to mention it.’
She never misses an opportunity to remind me that I need to be more politically aware. ‘Yes, Mom.’
‘Pumpkin Pie, Paul was a jerk. Good riddance to bad rubbish,’ she says and flicks her hands like she’s getting rid of some dirt on her fingers. ‘What happened with Finn?’ I knew she’d get there. But I give her credit for letting me get so much out before she did.
I put my hand in my pocket and touch the note he left me. I remember everything I felt with him in Miami and I can’t help but smile. Then I remember everything I lost with him and even though I think I’m out of tears I feel them well up in my eyes. But unlike the ones when I first walked in, they aren’t propelled by anger or frustration. They just hang in my eyes like weights.
‘What happened with Finn?’ she asks again but gently.
‘Everything.’ That’s the only way I can describe it.
‘That’s wonderful.’ She’s not pushing. She’s just happy for me.
‘It was,’ I say and feel the tears run down my face. ‘For a little while at least but then I screwed it up. I wasn’t honest about my feelings and I made all the wrong choices in Miami.’
‘So what?’ I thought she would be more upset by my confession. ‘You see that wallpaper?’ She points to the wall with a gold oval mirror. ‘I put it up in the eighties. All those beautiful cabbage roses and the birds of paradise on it.’
I look at the brightly colored wallpaper that’s been in the living room all my life. I never really thought about it or looked at it before. It’s always just been there.
‘You know what’s underneath it? A thick coat of the most awful tan paint. As soon as I painted it, I hated it. So blah and boring.’ I think about the khaki pants I wear to work at Brands and how blah and boring they are. ‘So, I went out and found the prettiest wallpaper I could. I wanted flowers and animals. Lots of color. I came home and covered all the boring paint.’
‘Are you saying I should cover up my mistakes?’
‘No, son. You can’t ever do that. But you can make better choices and learn from what you screwed up. Now, every time I walk into the living room and look at myself in the mirror, I’m surrounded by this beautiful flora and fauna and all this color. I changed the frame around the reflection I saw of myself.’ I look over at the wall and take in the bright colors and vibrant imagery. I think about Finn’s gorgeous portraits of refugees and how he has created a way of seeing their lives surrounded by beauty and hope. ‘It’s not just about what we look at in the mirror. It’s how we see ourselves that makes a difference. Surround yourself with a world that makes you feel how you want to feel. Not one that makes you feel boring and small.’
That’s exactly how I felt with Paul: small. I didn’t feel that way with Finn. I felt limitless. But it scared me.
‘Sam, your wallpaper is the people you’ve surrounded yourself with. They see who you really are. Maybe you need to start seeing yourself how the people who love you do.’
I lean toward her and then fall to horizontal to put my head in her lap. For maybe the first time in my life, I can openly admit my mother has a point.