Chapter 41
The next day, I wake up to a barrage of texts from Paul. I glance at the first few – shallow apologies sprinkled with flat endearments. I know what I want to do but I’m not sure how to do it. Eventually, after watching a video online, I figure it out. I never thought I’d be able to block someone permanently but I’m finally seeing things clearly. Unfortunately there isn’t a video tutorial to guide me through what I need to do next – apologize to Finn and ask him if there is any way we can find a way back to the place we were in Miami.
I spend most of the week at Plant Daddy plugging away at my laptop, but not on anything to do with Brands to the Rescue. Everyone knows about what went down in Florida and the people around me are supportive and sympathetic. Damola has made me a ‘Fight the Power’ playlist and Angelika pulled a few cards for me and says new beginnings are right around the corner. Maggie taught me a stretch that’s supposed to heal from the inside out. I even appreciate the bottle of mead left in my apartment with a note signed by Omar, Kevin – and Wayne.
Kai comes over as I’m working and says, ‘Don’t tell your mother but I can get my hands on a cholla.’ He glances back toward the espresso machine to make sure she isn’t paying attention to our exchange.
‘What’s a cholla?’ I ask.
‘A very dangerous cactus with painful, prickly thorns.’ He grins mischievously and rubs the whiskers on his chin. ‘One stick and it can really do a number on someone’s stomach. We could send a whole carton to Paul from,’ he looks around Plant Daddy, ‘an anonymous address.’
‘I appreciate it but Paul’s life is miserable enough as it is. I see that now.’
‘Let me know if you change your mind,’ he says and wheels over to my mother at the counter. I can’t hear them but she tells him something that makes him smile and then he says something that makes her laugh. I’m glad they make each other happy. I see her bend down and kiss him on the cheek and he grabs her hand.
Paul is the last thing I care about at this point. I want to make things right with Finn but I’m not sure how. I hear the bells above the door ring, and my head snaps toward the entrance, hoping it’s Finn. It’s not; it’s only Rajesh and Jessica, but I keep hoping Finn will show up here, and I’ll suddenly find the words I need.
Finn has been such a part of Plant Daddy these past few months and I know everyone misses him. He hasn’t returned my calls or my texts and he has every right to be done with me. But I have to see him in a few days at Harvey Milk School. It might be the very last time I ever get to see him and that makes me sad.
I take the train down to the Village and arrive early for the presentation. I wait outside on the sidewalk in front of Astor Place trying to figure out what I’m going to say to Finn. I spent the afternoon writing a speech because I wanted to get it right. I wrote about how grateful I am that we met and how much he has inspired me and how wrong I was not to be more honest about Paul and how stupid I was for going with Paul that night in Miami. I printed it out, but at the last minute I threw it away. It’s not that I didn’t mean every word. I did. But if I want to have a chance of convincing Finn to take a chance on me, I need to speak from the heart.
Ten minutes before he’s scheduled to arrive, I see him crossing Fourth Avenue and walking toward me. He’s wearing a blazer and a thick scarf with jeans, looking perfectly casual and professional at the same time. I thought I’d panic when I saw him but I don’t feel that way at all. I’m happy. Happy to be standing in front of the building in the freezing cold with this amazing guy.
‘Hello, Sam,’ he says. His tone and expression are neutral and more professional than usual.
‘Finn, I wanted to talk before the event. I was hoping we could…’ I trail off. Now I wish I had brought the speech I prepared.
‘I’m listening.’ He stuffs his hands in his pockets.
I still can’t read his tone. I start off with the most important thing: an apology. ‘I want you to know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about—’
‘Hello!’ a booming voice says as the doors to the school open. Principal Chan’s timing couldn’t be worse. ‘Thank you both for coming tonight. We have a great group of kids and they’re very excited to meet you both. Come on in. It’s cold out there.’
‘We’ll talk after,’ Finn says and I nod. I wanted to do it before the event because I couldn’t stand the thought of having to be with him in front of all these kids with so much tension between us.
We walk into the room where we’re doing the screening, and there are a few dozen students waiting for us. Some kids are dressed in outrageous colors or have hair that defies gravity but others look like they could be in a school uniform catalog. It’s very clear that this is a school where you can experiment with self-expression. New York is known for its diversity and that’s well-represented here. There is something about the atmosphere and the community that reminds me of a place I know, but then Finn turns to me and says, ‘Feels like a Plant Daddy junior in here,’ with a smile.
‘Exactly,’ I say and I’m relieved that he’s willing to keep the conversation light during the event.
The principal asks us to introduce ourselves and Finn goes first with a simple explanation of his work as a photographer and the series he’s working on. ‘I create portraits of queer people who have come to this country so they could be themselves. I want to show people how many different ways there are to be queer.’ His words are simple and powerful and I watch the kids nod and smile.
Then Principal Chan asks me to introduce myself. I take a deep breath, ready to do something I thought I would never do. I know I want Finn to hear me, but the fact is I’m not doing it for him. I’m doing it for myself.
‘Hello,’ I say and press my hands together to get a hold on my nerves. ‘I’m Sam and… I’m a writer.’ The Earth doesn’t stop spinning. None of the kids stand up, point at me and yell, ‘Fraud!’ The room is calm and matter of fact.
But inside my body, it’s a different story. It’s been so long since I have thought of myself this way and meant it. It seems like something so easy to say, and I’m sure millions of people say it every day, from bestselling authors to kids writing their first story, but somehow I lost my connection to understanding myself that way. The roof in Miami was a magic moment where I leaned on Finn to get the words out. It was fantastic but it was part of a dream, a fantasy. A school presentation with a group of strangers, kids even, is reality, and saying it here makes me think it might stick this time.
‘I’m Sam,’ I say again. ‘And I’m a writer.’ I let the feeling bubble up inside of me and just linger around my heart and throat enjoying how it feels. I look over at Finn, and I see him really looking at me for the first time this evening. He’s smiling and nodding and he gives me a thumbs up. Maybe I can convince him to give me another chance.
We show a clip from Sunset Boulevard and we talk about camp and how it’s part of gay culture. Then we show Moonlight , which isn’t camp at all, but explains the lived experiences of queer people in this century. It’s not a formal presentation like the one in Coney Island. This event is much smaller and more intimate. We’re really able to connect with the kids one-on-one, and that feels great.
We work in small groups, and Finn works with some kids who want to look more closely at the images of the films. I take a group in another corner to talk more about the words. They ask me questions and really listen to my answers. I think because I introduced myself as a writer, they simply accept that I am, and it feels wonderful.
I catch Finn’s eye as a kid in his group with a striped mohawk is pointing at one of the images of Sunset Boulevard on a tablet and then recreating the poses. The kids are laughing and Finn has no problem getting them involved.
I’m working with the script from Moonlight and talking about autofiction as a way of generating ideas, journaling, and getting words on the page. I was nervous about working with kids but I’m loving the experience tonight. I’m able to encourage them and make them feel like they have something to say and that feels good.
When we get to the end of the event, the kids are still buzzing about everything we discussed as they get ready to go home. Finn and I walk out of the building together and stand alone on the sidewalk in front of the school. He doesn’t immediately walk away from me and I think that’s a good sign. There is so much I want to tell him, but at this moment, it feels like all my thoughts are jammed like a bunch of marbles trying to squeeze through a funnel. I want to break the silence, but he does before I’m able.
‘I heard you say it,’ he says looking directly at me and smiling. I know immediately what he means. ‘I heard you call yourself a writer.’
‘I did.’ I want to tell him how good it felt in that moment but whatever confidence I had just over an hour ago seems to have evaporated here on Astor Place in the middle of rush hour. I’m scared of not getting another chance with him and my mind takes over. I can’t stop it. I feel the anxiety rush through my body in all the old ways. Fear makes my nervous system take control. ‘But that was just for the kids.’ His smile drops and I can feel him shrink away from me.
‘I better get going,’ he says and turns away.
‘Wait,’ I shout after him and try to find the courage I need. ‘I want to apologize. I am truly sorry.’
‘For what?’ He turns back. His question is something much bigger than the two words he just uttered.
I answer with my first thought. ‘I’m sorry for not being more upfront with you about Paul. For getting you involved with this whole mess with my mother.’ I pull my jacket closed to protect myself from the cold.
‘Who says I didn’t want to get involved? I knew what I was getting into.’ I don’t say anything, I just stare at the puffs of cold air that vaporize coming out of his mouth. ‘And I liked it. I liked spending time with you and getting to know you. I loved hanging out at Plant Daddy and that was the best Thanksgiving I’ve had in years. It felt like family, and I loved being there with you.’ His eyes are reaching out to me but he keeps his hands in his pockets and his arms close to his body.
‘I loved being there with you,’ I say echoing his words. ‘It’s over with Paul. I’m sorry I couldn’t see how wrong I was about him. I’m sorry I wasn’t honest about him.’ My eyes search his face for any sign that he’s accepting my apology but I can’t find any. ‘I’m being as honest as I possibly can with you.’
‘But you’re not,’ he says pushing his hair back off his face. ‘I want to be with a guy who is honest with himself. Honest about who he is and what he wants. I’ve seen you do it. I’ve seen those parts of you poke through. Do you have any idea how hot it was watching you stand on the roof and shout out that you believe in yourself? I wanted to have you right there.’
‘I wanted you too,’ I say. I think about the warm air surrounding our bodies as we held each other. A cold blast of air whips around the corner and makes me shiver but I don’t take my eyes off Finn. ‘I loved standing up on the roof, shouting with you. Saying those words.’
‘But it’s not just about the words. It’s about saying them and honestly believing them. It’s about feeling them so it isn’t just something that dissolves in the wind.’ He throws his hand in the air toward the sky. ‘I wish you would take yourself seriously.’ He looks at me and he wants me to say something but I’m too overwhelmed. I can only think of the words we said. The feeling is still uncomfortable and evanescent. I haven’t had enough practice with it. I stare back at him without saying anything. He’s the one studying my face now and I think he knows exactly what I’m thinking. He takes one last look at me and then turns away to walk down the block. I watch him blend into the crowd. The cold December wind bites my exposed face and fingers. I’m surrounded by rush-hour commuters hopping on the 6 train or heading over to the N on Broadway. Throngs of people rush past me in every direction but I’ve never felt more alone.