Chapter 42
I have a meeting with Robert today at Brands to the Rescue and as I ride the elevator up to his office I look at myself in the mirrors that cover the walls. I’m wearing my standard-issue khakis and a blue shirt, but when I look in the mirror today, I don’t see a ‘normal’ or even someone pretending to be a ‘normal’. I see a writer with a day job and it feels correct. Everything Finn has helped me understand about myself is finally sinking in. It’s time to not just feel it but to take action.
‘Sam,’ Robert says as I walk into his office. ‘Have a seat. We’re so pleased with the work you have done with Finn and the gallery.’
‘Thank you. I enjoyed working with Finn.’ As soon as the words come out of my mouth, I feel them in my heart. I messed everything up there but maybe I can get this part of my life on track.
‘I’m glad to hear that,’ Robert says. ‘I wanted to talk to you today to start thinking about how we on-board you to something full-time. We have a job description HR is working on, and of course, we can negotiate salary and office space and…’
‘I’m sorry Robert.’ I lean forward in my seat and interrupt him. ‘When I said I wanted to talk about my position I may have given you the wrong impression. I wanted to let you know that I’d like to remain part-time. In fact, I need to take the rest of the week off, and if things work out I may need more time off this spring. I’m sorry I wasn’t clear in my email.’
‘Oh, I see.’ Robert furrows his brow. I like him, and he has been a good boss. I don’t want my news to create too much of a problem. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘Yes, wonderful actually. I’ve liked my work here and you’ve been great to me,’ I say. I look around his familiar office and take in the sleek furnishings and efficient layout. It’s not a bad place to work. It just isn’t a place ‘to be’.
‘You do excellent work, and I’d like to keep you on in any capacity we can.’ He smiles at me and his words are sincere. It’s nice to hear Robert say them, and it makes it easier for me to ask for what I need. ‘I’m hoping I can ask you for a favor. I’ve been connected with the Harvey Milk School.’
‘Oh yes. You and Finn did something there with the kids.’ My heart aches thinking about standing with him in the cold after the presentation. Getting so much right in the school and so much wrong out on the street. But I have to stay on task and stop the memory from making me too upset.
‘Right, exactly.’ I sit more erect in my chair. ‘They have an opening for a creative writing teacher and I’ve reached out to the principal about applying. I’m also in the process of applying for a residency at Art Barn, which I’m sure is very com…’ I’m about to finish that sentence with my usual self-effacing statement of doubt, but instead, I catch myself. ‘I’m sure it is very competitive, but I’ve been working hard on the application and I have a good chance.’
‘I’m sure you have a great shot at both,’ Robert says with an approving nod.
‘I was hoping you’d write me a letter of recommendation. There’s a quick turnaround and I’m sorry to be asking with such a tight timeline…’
‘I’m happy to do it,’ he says not needing further persuading. I’ve already secured a letter from my agent Loretta, who said she was thrilled to write one. I only need two so I’m one step closer to getting what I want.
Robert walks me to the elevator and we pass the conference room where I first met Finn. Through the door I can see out the window we looked out together the day we met. The December sky is a bright arctic blue today and there isn’t a single cloud. I can see all the way up to midtown. The city lies in front of me, inviting me to take myself seriously and be a part of it. Maybe it was inviting me when I looked at the same view with Finn months earlier but now I’m ready to accept the invitation.