Chapter 4 ALI - DIFFERENT
Okay, one last push and then you’re done with the hard stuff for the night, I mentally told myself as I set up for my butterfly spin to end my solo in the show tonight.
After hitting the fly and landing in a back-camel position, I grabbed my blade and pulled into the donut, making my spin pick up speed for a couple seconds. Right after I dropped out, I hit my final pose on the last beat of the music.
I stood there beaming up into the spotlight for a second. I couldn’t make out any specific faces in the stands with the lights shining in my eyes, especially not after spinning.
But as soon as the lights dimmed, I caught sight of one specific face in the crowd and almost tripped over myself.
What the fuck?
“Ali!” someone whispered from backstage, snapping me out of my shock.
In a haze of confusion, I quickly exited the ice through the thick curtain.
Did I really just see him?
Or was my mind playing tricks on me?
There’s no way JP McQuaid—the same JP who just won a Stanley Cup with the Windy City Whalers, the same JP who I grew up with, who I had a years-long crush on, and who was present on the worst night of my life—was currently sitting in the stands, watching my show.
Then again, maybe his presence would explain why he’d been popping up in so many of my dreams lately. Maybe my subconscious mind had been trying to warn me that I was about to see him.
Or maybe I was just imagining his face on some random guy. That was more likely. I really was exhausted. After dreaming about him again last night, I spent hours tossing and turning, not able to fall back asleep.
I was supposed to be doing a quick change into my next costume, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to think straight during my next program unless I got confirmation. Gliding to the edge of the rink where the curtain met the boards, I inconspicuously peeked through the thick velvet material.
Squinting at the faces in the crowd, I struggled to remember exactly where he was sitting. I was about to give up, but right before I turned away, I sucked in a sharp breath.
There he was, focused on the show, watching contentedly. Elbows on his knees, holding his scruffy chin, he looked contemplative as he watched. He still wore his dirty-blonde hair in a buzzcut, but that was as much as I could tell with the lights out.
Part of me wanted to run to him, jump at him for a hug. I wanted to be in his arms so desperately. It’d feel so right, so natural. And maybe seeing him would squelch the overwhelming loneliness I’d been feeling lately.
But the other part of me knew his presence on this ship was not a good thing.
No one booked a solo cruise.
My heart ricocheted around in my chest.
So, that meant… That meant he found someone.
My heart squeezed painfully in my chest.
The seat next to him was empty. She was probably in the bathroom.
Oh, God.
I dropped the curtain like it caught fire and pressed my fingers into my eyes.
He booked a romantic getaway with a girlfriend—or worse, a fiancée.
I’d seen countless engagements in the last decade while touring, and while I was always happy for the couples, there was always a little pinch in my chest. Seeing him propose would absolutely end me.
It would rip my heart clean out of my body.
My breathing went ragged. My eyes stung.
My limbs suddenly felt heavy, like I was just hit by a truck of sadness.
C’mon, Ali. Get over yourself, I internally screamed.
This was JP. I wanted him to be happy, I desperately wanted that for him.
He was one of the best guys I’d ever known, and he deserved happiness.
But while I wanted him to get everything he ever wanted—the house, the wife, the kids, the dog—I didn’t want to see it.
In fact, I didn’t want to know a single thing about it.
Even my best friends, Mer and Piper, barely ever mentioned him to me, which I knew was purposeful considering the fact that he was a constant in their lives back in Chicago.
The mental vision of him with another woman made me want to barf all over the ice. Suddenly feeling nauseous, I held my stomach. I wasn’t strong enough to see it. I knew I wasn’t being fair, but—
“Ali!”
My eyes flew to Desi standing on the other side of the ice from me.
“You haven’t changed yet?” she whisper-shouted at me with wide eyes. She was standing at the front of a line of skaters that I was supposed to be in.
Shit.
Rushing off the ice, I ran back to our locker room. I didn’t have time to take my skates off. My hands were shaking as I ripped off my dress, struggling to get it over my skates.
Everything’s fine, I told myself. His presence doesn’t change a single thing.
The show must go on. Skaters were taught at a young age to drop their life at the boards, to not let anything affect them while they were skating.
I was horrendous at it when I was young, but over the last decade of professional skating, I slowly mastered the ability to box everything up and shove it aside until I was done performing.
But tonight, all my mental skills abandoned me. My mind was racing through different hypotheticals at an alarming speed, making me feel like I was about to lose control.
Before leaving the locker room, I paused and made a deal with myself. Looking in the mirror, I pointed at my face. No looking in his direction or even thinking about him until you hit the Grand Finale. After that, then you could unpack all the messy emotions, I told myself.
Taking a steady breath, I plastered a fake-ass smile on my face and ran back out to the ice just in time for our group number.
And my little deal worked.
I avoided his gaze, and I forced myself to be fully present in my body as I performed the rest of my parts.
But the Grand Finale came way too quickly. While waiting behind the curtain, my stomach revolted.
“Okay, last program, guys! Everyone ready?” Sheri, our lead choreographer, asked.
No. I was not ready. Not at all.
I held my stomach. Nerves were overtaking my body.
“You okay?” Val, my skating partner, whispered.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied.
His dark eyes darted around my face, seeking out the lie. “You’re not fine,” he said, his eyebrows pulling together in concern. “What’s wrong?”
“No, I’m good,” I said with a tight laugh.
Val didn’t look convinced, but he reached to hold my hand anyway.
Going out for the Finale number, I tried hard to avoid looking in JP’s direction, but like a moth to a flame, I couldn’t help it. Right before the spotlights shut off, I snuck a glance at him.
His intense grey gaze was fixed right on me, a pleasant smile on his chiseled face.
As soon as the lights blacked out, the crowd erupted with applause.
I stole the opportunity to book it off the ice and sneak past the curtain. Some of my friends gave me curious glances, but no one stopped me. They probably just thought I had to pee—which wouldn’t be the first time. No one would care if I skipped out on the bows tonight.
Jumping off the ice, I hooked my skate guards onto my blades and wandered back to our changing room. As soon as I reached the quiet room, I plopped on the bench and held my head, breathing hard.
It was him.
JP was here.
My mind reeled as I untied my skates and slowly took off my costume.
In the next couple minutes, this room would be blasting with music and packed with all ten of us skaters.
I tried to calm my mind as I stepped into the shower, hoping the hot water would ease the rink chill and relax my muscles.
I just texted Piper last week that I wanted her to visit because I missed everyone, and now he was here.
Could that be a coincidence? Could Piper have sent him?
“Ali!” Val’s voice boomed in the concrete locker room, making me bump my elbow against the shower wall and drop my shampoo.
“Yeah?” I called weakly, rubbing my elbow.
“Some guy tried to come see you. Is that the guy? He said he’s from Michigan. Do we need to call security? Is that why you were being weird?”
“No, no, he’s fine.” I stuck my head out of the shower curtain to see his face was red with stress. “It’s not him. JP is a friend.” I swallowed hard. “And I wasn’t being weird.” I tried to laugh, but it sounded strained even to my own ears.
Brandon stood next to Val, his eyes darting between the two of us, clearly confused on what was going on.
Val was like everyone’s big brother out here on tour, but especially mine since I knew him from back home.
He was about five years older than me, but we both remembered each other from training back at Centre Ice.
Val had originally been Mer’s partner on tour, and when I was trying out, he worked with me every day so I could add pairs experience to my resume, which made me more employable to tours.
We grew closer over the years, and he was actually one of the few people who knew about my ex and all the trouble he caused.
“You promise?” Val asked, his dark eyes locked on mine. “We’ll stay with you tonight. If you don’t feel safe, just say the word and I’ll—”
“I promise.” I smiled. “He’s a friend from back home.” Which was true. Of course there were times I wished we’d been more than friends, but that never happened.
He nodded. “I recognized Mer in a photo he showed me, but I couldn’t be sure, so I turned him away. He said he’d be up on the deck waiting for you.” His eyebrows drew together. “I can go with you if you want?”
Desi wagged her eyebrows as she walked to the shower stall next to me wearing a towel. “Ooh! Someone’s waiting for you?”
I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t deny the way my heart picked up speed. “No, it’s okay,” I told the guys. “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”
With a firm nod, Val turned. “Let me know if you need me.”
“Thank you,” I said again before quickly ducking back behind the curtain to finish my shower.