Chapter 4 ALI - DIFFERENT #2
After stepping out, I washed off the rest of my show makeup and brushed out my short, wet hair.
My hands trembled with nerves as I threw on my comfy, light pink, spaghetti-strap dress and a zip-up jacket.
It was probably ridiculous to wear a jacket in the summer heat, but my body had a hard time adjusting after show nights, it was like the cold got stuck in my bones.
Staring at myself in the mirror, I willed myself to calm down. He’s probably here with someone else, I told myself again. But I couldn't completely squelch the hopeful voice that whispered, But what if he’s here to see me?
Trying my best to shove my thoughts aside, I made my way up the steps to the elevator that lead to the deck. I shivered as I waited, and I wasn’t sure if it was from the nerves or the cold. One downside of living on a cruise was how they seemed to blast the AC at all times.
When I finally reached the deck and walked out into the warm night, JP was nowhere to be found, and I wondered if I already missed him.
Sighing, I slumped on a deck chair and stared up at the immense sky full of stars.
Maybe it was for the best if he didn’t show up. It would hurt too badly to see him with another woman. If that were the case, I’d rather not even—
“You look so different.”
His voice startled me, making me almost fall off my deck chair.
“Ah, shit, sorry,” he said, walking closer.
“I’m good, I’m good,” I said, trying to center myself. I’m not sure if my face was burning from embarrassment or attraction.
Because wow.
Up close, JP looked different, too—older, and hotter, to be honest. His sandy scruff covered a strong jaw, and his body filled out.
He looked strong, with more mature muscle.
Solid. Like nothing could shake him. His chiseled cheekbones stood out even more thanks to his short hair.
But I was thankful to know that he still exuded the same calmness he always had.
A calmness that settled me. And I was even more thankful that he was up here alone.
I wanted to reach out and hug him, but I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to, so I stayed seated.
“Ah.” He gave a sheepish grin and offered me one of the beers he was holding.
With his free hand, he pulled at the back of his neck.
When he let go, I spotted a small tattoo that looked to be coordinates going down the left side of his neck.
“I’m sorry, that was a dumb thing to say, I shouldn't have—”
“Good different or bad different?” I tried for a playful tone, but my voice came out a little shaky.
His shoulders relaxed as his grey eyes trailed over me. “Good. Definitely good.” His lips twitched into a small tentative smile, and he tilted his head toward me. “I like the hair.”
“You do?” I kicked up an amused eyebrow. “You used to love it long, Jameson Patrick.”
He shrugged as he sat on the deck chair next to mine, facing me.
“What can I say? I like change.” He grinned.
In a shocking move, he reached toward me, making me tense, but then he tucked a strand behind my ear.
That one gentle touch sent shivers down my spine.
And the way he looked at me, like he was seeing straight down to my soul, stirred up old butterflies below my belly button—butterflies that I had thought were long gone and dead forever.
“You kept off the weight, too,” he said, running his tongue over his teeth.
My guard slammed back up.
His jaw flexed. “Two hundred pounds of loser,” he said before taking a sip from his beer. “Freedom looks good on you, Al.” He gave me another grin. “It suits you.”
My eyes stung a little, because he was right. I was free out here, and it did suit me. “Thank you.” I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my chin against them to study him. “You seem different, too.”
A small blush crept up into his cheeks and his eyes darted away. “I can see your underwear, Al.”
A surprised laugh bubbled out of me. I still loved throwing him off balance, and I still loved his boy-ish blush. “Should I apologize?”
Licking his lips to stifle a laugh, he reached over and gently pulled my dress lower. The scrape of his skin against mine sent an electric shock to my core. His eyes locked on mine and he grinned, like he also enjoyed throwing me off balance.
“Different how?” he asked, taking a slow sip of his beer.
I studied him for a beat. “More relaxed. And I like the scruff.” I motioned to his face.
The last time I saw him, he still only had patchy facial hair.
I took a small sip of the drink he handed me.
I hadn't drank beer in a very long time.
I secretly only drank it to remind myself of him, but I'd never tell him that.
My ex drank only whiskey. I preferred the taste of beer. I preferred the taste of JP.
“Thanks. Not sure if I’m more relaxed or if I’m just tired,” he admitted with a chuckle as he stretched out his long legs on the deck chair.
“Of what?”
“Just…life.” He stared up at the inky night sky.
“When we were young, I loved having a plan. I wanted to have plans for every single weekend. I wanted to go out, see everything, get as much in as possible. Now I find myself wanting to just…stay put.” He let out a little chuckle and pulled at the wrapper on his beer. “I want to settle down.”
I smirked. “Not me. I won’t ever,” I declared before gazing up at the stars.
I could feel his eyes on me in the dim light. “Because you don’t want to?”
“Not necessarily.” I twisted my lips in thought. “I’m afraid of settling into something that isn’t…right.” Again. I never wanted to feel trapped ever again. “Not worth the risk.” I shrugged. He knew what I was talking about.
“Ah.” He gave me a knowing look as he nodded. “So, you’ll never stop running, eh?”
“Nope. We can’t all be perfect like JP McQuaid,” I said, tipping my beer back for another sip.
Just like when we were young, I found it hard to stop smiling in his presence.
I loved talking to him. I loved just being near him.
His presence made me feel lighter, like my younger, happier self.
But I knew the more I talked to him, the more it would hurt to hear that he was off-limits. I had to rip off the band-aid.
I slid on my performance mask—the fake over-confident facade I used every time I strutted onto the ice for a show. “So, why are you here? You have a girlfriend or fiancée who’s gonna come scratch my eyes out? Am I interrupting a romantic getaway?” I wagged my eyebrows at him.
“Ah, Al…” He dropped his head forward and raked a hand over his short hair, making his impressive arm muscles move. “No, no girlfriend, or anything else.” His grey eyes met mine and they looked slightly pained. “I tried to come backstage to see you. They stopped me.”
“It’s not just you.” I shook my head. “It’s a precaution…in case he…” I stopped talking. Even saying it aloud made me paranoid. I never even used my ex’s name because it felt like a bad word. I gave JP a shrug.
“Good, I’m glad,” he said gently.
“You didn’t answer.” I stared at him, trying to read him. “Why are you here, JP?”
He went quiet for a minute. “Isn’t it time for us to get our happy ending?”
My heart wobbled in my chest, but I forced my face into a look of smooth indifference. “You’re barking up the wrong tree. I’m not like them,” I said, meaning our friends. They got their happy ending, but they were the exception in this world.
His face cracked a little, and I felt the sting of guilt for hurting him. “Why not?”
“Because.” I shrugged.
“Because you’re afraid?” he asked slowly.
Suspicion snaked down my spine.
I found it nice that he came here. I did miss him, and it was nice to see a familiar face. This was JP—one of my best friends. But…
He was still a man.
He tracked me down and sought me out when no one should’ve known my location besides Mer and Piper.
Anxiety filled my chest as dangerous hypotheticals swirled through my mind. Because what if he expected something from me? And he was different. What if the last decade of life changed him? What if he wasn’t good anymore?
My body suddenly felt cold and shaky despite the hot, humid night. I tightened my grip around my knees as my eyes darted to the employees still on the deck, trying to locate familiar faces.
How could I be so stupid? Why didn’t I ask more questions? Why didn’t I bring Val with me to meet him? Why didn’t I—
“Ali, look at me,” JP said in such a gentle voice that it hurt my heart, but I couldn’t make myself. I continued staring straight ahead as panic swamped my senses. “C’mon, you can do it,” he whispered.
With a pained grimace, I dared to glance at him. Surprisingly, there was no judgment there. No pity. His face was completely open and earnest.
“You know me, Al.” He held his large hands up in innocence.
“I’d throw myself overboard before I did anything to hurt you.
And if you don’t want me here, if you’re not comfortable with me here, tell me to leave and I’ll get off at the next stop and fly home, no questions asked.
You have my word, okay? I promise. The truth is…
” His nose flared with a breath as he closed his eyes.
“I’m here because I was blackout drunk and missing you. ”
My heart still pounded, but my mind seemed to calm down a little at his words.
His mouth did a funny dance, like he was trying to stifle a grin.
“Kappy started running his mouth about me and you, and then you texted Piper, and I saw it.” He grimaced.
“I’m sorry about that. I know it was wrong to look, but I just…
” He shook his head. “It was a group picture by a castle and a little message asking Piper to come visit you. And I guess I just…I booked myself a cruise,” he said incredulously.
“I don’t even remember that part, I swear. ”
A wet laugh popped out of me. With a shaky hand, I moved to wipe my teary eyes. I hated that panic instantly triggered my eyes to water.