Chapter 14 ALI – THE LAST NIGHT
As soon as we fell back into my bed together, I felt cherished. I wasn’t paralyzed by the worry of thinking I was bad at this or wondering if he was enjoying it. Nope. He reassured me freely, whispering praises and curse words against my skin, which seemed to make me glow from within.
We laid there coming down from our high together, and something my friends said a while back came to mind, making me laugh.
“What are you laughing about?” He grinned while tracing my jaw with his finger.
“My friends always joked that I was perfect for a long-distance relationship. Because then I’d get all my talking in and I wouldn't have to be nervous about everything else that goes along with being in a relationship, but I’m not nervous with you anyway.” I shrugged.
His mouth opened and closed about three times, but no words came out.
“What? What did I say?” I forced a laugh.
When his nose flared and he laid on his back to stare up at the ceiling, I knew something went wrong.
My mind raced through everything I just said, and my stomach dropped.
“That’s not…” he started.
“Well, I mean, do you see yourself doing that? A long-distance relationship?”
“It’s really hard,” he started slowly. He kept his eyes on the ceiling, away from mine. “I’m going to be really busy with hockey, and I don’t want to make you feel like…” he trailed off.
I sat up and stared down at him. What the fuck? my brain whispered. Was I having PTSD? Did I imagine him saying that, or did that sentence really just come out of his mouth?
“So, we’re not…” I shook my head. “We’re not doing a long-distance relationship?”
As his silence stretched on, a panicked fury started to form in my chest. Then why the fuck did we just sleep together? I wanted to scream. Why wouldn’t you have said this five minutes ago? Before I just gave you everything?
He rubbed his forehead, like this was hard for him. “Well, I'm going to be really busy with hockey, and I just…”
I stared at him in deafening silence.
“Oh no, you’re mad,” he said quickly. “Please don’t be mad.” He turned and tried to kiss me, but I shoved a hand on his chest to back him up. How dare he try to kiss me again, like this could just be smoothed over and forgotten.
Mad? I wanted to scream. No. I was fucking furious. He flinched away from my glare.
“I said that wrong. It came out wrong.” He shook his head. “I'm still interested in pursuing this…this…thing with you.”
“Thing,” I dropped. He couldn’t even say relationship. My heart thundered in my chest. “So, you want to try or you don’t? I’m confused.”
“Ali,” he sounded pained, “long distance is really hard.”
I glared at him. “So, you don’t even want to try?”
He rubbed his forehead. “We agreed on a week.”
“But I thought you said…” My stomach twisted.
“No, you… I thought you agreed when I said we should keep doing this?” I stared at him.
“You’re the one who talked about us getting our happy ending.
” My mouth went dry. He lied. I fucking trusted him and he lied.
He lied to get what he wanted. “You never should’ve come here.
” I scrambled out of my bed and hugged myself, not wanting to make eye contact with him.
“Don't say that, Ali,” he said so gently it hurt.
“What should I say then?” I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood, but I did not want to start crying in front of him.
“I was doing totally fine. I was good, JP. Now I'm… I'm…” Devastated, furious, embarrassed? All three at once? My eyes scanned the floor, like I was somehow searching for the answers. “Why did you even show up here?” I felt a tear fall down my face and I furiously swatted it away. “I wasn’t even going to…” My nails bit into my palms. He didn’t deserve to be here anymore.
He didn’t deserve to touch me again. “I wouldn't have…” Fuck. “Why couldn’t you just leave me alone?” My voice broke.
I covered my face, trying to control my breathing.
The entire future I was dreaming of just came crashing down.
When I felt his hands trying to pull mine away from my face, I slapped him away. “Don’t touch me,” I fumed.
He looked at me with desperation in his eyes. “I’m still interested. I just don’t want to jump into anything. I need to think this through. I’m just not sure—”
“Not sure?” I snapped. “You should’ve thought this through before you fucking came here, JP.” I stared at him. “Get the fuck out.”
His face cracked. “Ali, don’t do this.”
“Don’t do this? I didn’t do this,” I warned.
He squeezed his eyes shut, but he didn’t take back what he’d said.
“Get out.” So much rage and frustration coursed through my body that I couldn’t hold back.
“I was fine,” I cried again, shoving a finger at his chest. “I was totally fine until you came here. And I didn’t even ask you to come.
You pushed. You pushed your way into my life and my heart for no fucking reason other than to make me miss something I could never even have in the first place.
You teased me with love again, JP, and that is a cruel thing to do. ”
“No, that’s not…” He shook his head. “I’m sorry. Ali, you have to know that I’m trying to do what’s best for both of us. I just don’t want you to stop your life for me, okay?”
“No,” I fumed. He tried to reach out to me, but I slapped his hands away and pointed to the door. “No, you don’t get to act like you’re the good guy here. Go, JP.” My body started shaking and I knew I was about to break down, but he did not deserve to see that. “I never want to see you ever again.”
His mouth dropped open. “Ali, you don’t mean that.”
“Get out!” I shrilled wildly. “I do mean it.” I threw my fists down. I turned away from him and faced my wall because I didn’t trust myself to watch him go.
As soon as I heard the door swing shut behind him, I collapsed on my bed in tears. It was a cruel sick joke that I only wanted his comfort when he was the one causing my distress.
This whole week I’d been feeling stupid for missing out on time with him.
I was regretting and blaming my younger self, calling her all the names in the book for not being with JP so much sooner.
But tonight was a harsh reminder why it was never him, why it could never be him.
I couldn’t blame my past self for choosing someone else because he was never even a choice in the first place—he made that real clear tonight.
I loved him.
I wanted him.
But he was never even an option.
And the biggest kick to the stomach wasn’t even that he left. It was that I’d heard that exact same excuse from him before, but I still went back for more.