Chapter 15 JP – NEVER TOLD HER
After Ali kicked me out, I wandered up to the pool deck. Gripping the railing, I stared up at the stars shining against the dark sky.
I fucked up.
I fucked up so bad.
Why was I always fucking up when it came to her?
I knew back then that I was making mistakes, too.
I knew I should've stepped up. I should’ve done something, anything, to get her away from Rossi before it was too late.
But when it came to Ali, I was always playing it safe.
As I stood there in the chilly night, my mind drifted back to our younger selves, back to the first time I fucked up because of fear…
_________
2011
I hadn’t seen Ali in person in four months—not since the day I left for juniors—but she was finally coming to visit thanks to Mer. She managed to wrangle both Piper and Ali together to come roadtrip up here to Toronto to watch one of our games.
While Ali and I still texted about once a week, it just wasn’t the same. There was an awkwardness between us that I was responsible for creating, and I needed to use this weekend to fix it.
Before I left for juniors back in August, Ali and I were busy potting mums at Herbs when she asked, “So, are we, like…going out?”
My mouth gaped open in surprise.
When my eyes flashed to hers, a deep blush stained her cheeks. Her eyes darted to the plants. “Sorry, Annie got it in my head. She was teasing me that you were my boyfriend because we’ve spent the whole summer together, and I just… you kinda are, aren’t you?” she asked with a weak grin.
I lowered my shovel while panic roared to life inside my chest. “But I’m leaving…”
“Oh, I know, but I figured we can talk on the phone and text and stuff? I mean…” She shook her head. “I like you. And I thought—” She froze, looking caught in indecision. “I thought…”
“I like you, too,” I said quickly. “I do, Ali. I just think long distance might…” I swallowed hard.
“We’re really young, ya know? I don’t want it to ruin us.
I figured we’d wait. I’m going to be really busy with hockey.
I’m trying to make it, ya know?” To the NHL.
For us, I wanted to say. I wanted to make it for us.
“I know.” She closed her eyes and shook her head out. “That was so stupid, forget I said anything.”
We went back to working in silence, but I could’ve kicked myself for how badly I fumbled the conversation.
“I’m sorry, Ali. I do like you, and I do want us to be together, but it’s bad timing,” I tried.
“And you’re my best friend. My parents dated when they were really young.
” I licked my lips. “Too young, and it just…” It scares the shit out of me, I mentally finished.
My hand shook as I tossed my shovel away.
“You’re getting back out on the ice in a couple weeks, right?
” My eyes dipped to her arm, which was still in a sling, but the cast was now gone.
She kept her eyes lowered as she nodded.
“Good. That’s good. You’re excited, right?”
She bit her lip and stared at the mums for a beat before nodding again.
“All your focus is gonna be on skating, and mine’s gonna be on hockey, ya know? I’m gonna be really busy with hockey,” I repeated, hating myself as I said the words, but saying them anyway.
“Yeah, you’re right. That’s fine. It was stupid of me to assume,” she said in a strained voice. Her eyes bounced around, like she was trying to piece things together. “I hope hockey’s fun,” she said before standing and brushing her good hand off on her jean shorts. “Bathroom,” she murmured.
“Ali, no, wait…” I tried, but she was already power-walking into the shop with her head down.
She left work early that day with red-rimmed eyes.
I wanted to take back everything I said, but…I couldn’t.
I was scared.
No, I was terrified.
I was terrified of the pressure. I was terrified that I’d distract her from skating and then she’d resent me. I was terrified we’d try long distance and then it would blow up in our faces and I wouldn’t be able to save us because we were too far apart.
And I needed to focus on hockey.
It wasn’t until after our season started that I realized what a huge miscalculation I made.
I thought junior hockey would fill my entire schedule, but we had a lot of downtime, almost too much downtime.
Kappy filled his day with sleeping and videogames.
Colt spent his extra time at the rink working with younger kids and learning to ref.
I was enrolled in online classes, but it wasn’t the best program and I finished super early each day…
And then I had nothing to occupy my mind except for missing her.
So, yeah. I needed to fix this.
I needed to fix this tonight.
_________
Each time I got off the ice after my shift that night, my eyes went directly to the three girls sitting in section 30A.
Games usually felt like they lasted all of five minutes, but tonight, this game seemed to drag on forever.
I couldn’t wait to rip off my skates and finally see her, hug her, just be with her.
The next shift out, I stripped a guy of the puck in the corner and fed it up to Colt, who took off for a breakaway.
Only problem, Colt held the puck a little too long before taking a shot and ended up smashing into the boards.
A second later, an opposing defenseman purposely crashed into him—after the whistle—making Colt’s helmet fly off.
Colt immediately started swinging at the guy, completely ignoring the ref blowing his whistle.
I hung my head for a second, really hoping this wouldn’t escalate, because a brawl would make this game drag on even longer.
I knew better than to have that hope.
Kappy was next to start fighting with the player next to him. The crowd was absolutely loving it. Kids sitting on the boards were pounding on the glass, urging them to keep punching. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw one of their forwards, #18, moving toward the fray.
“C’mon, don’t be stupid,” I whispered under my breath at #18. I started gliding at the same pace as him, just in case. “They have it handled,” I complained.
But of course #18 had to be stupid.
While Kappy was fighting off his teammate, #18 clobbered Kappy from behind, which was a total cheap shot.
I was there in an instant, pulling #18 away from Kappy and giving him a taste of his own medicine.
We circled each other for a second, waiting each other out.
He moved first, but I easily dodged his punch and grabbed hold of his jersey, twisting the material in my fist so I had a good grip on him.
After two punches, the guy completely gave up, going limp.
Smirking to myself, I dropped him and glided away. I was holding my hands up in innocence by the time a ref got to me.
Colt, who was now bleeding from his mouth, was laughing and continuing to chirp while a ref dragged him toward the box.
Kappy, on the other hand, was not laughing. He was on his knees looking wary and out-of-sorts, clearly searching the ice for something.
A good ten feet away, I spotted his stick. Grabbing it up, I glided over and handed it to him. “You good, Kap?”
“Thanks,” he murmured. He leaned on his stick for a second before getting back to his feet.
“You good?” I repeated.
“Yeah, yeah. Thanks for the help,” he mumbled with a serious look on his face. He usually would’ve had a great time fighting, but he seemed a little rattled today. “Kinda weird fighting without a cage, eh?” He shook off his glove to touch his jaw for a second.
“Yeah, definitely takes some getting used to.” I shifted my helmet.
“You don’t seem to be having a problem,” Kappy said as we drifted back to the team box together.
“Eh.” I shrugged as I slumped against the boards. I didn’t bother jumping into the team box yet because the refs were still discussing who’d be getting penalties. “What’s there to lose?”
Kappy jumped up to sit on the edge of the boards and let out a humorless scoff. “Our teeth?”
I snorted a laugh. “Best not to get too attached to ‘em. The longer we play, the more likely we’re gonna lose some.”
Kappy grimaced, like this clearly bugged him. He ran his tongue over his teeth. “I guess.” His eyes went up to the girls’ section, and my gaze followed.
Mer had her hands over her face, clearly stressed out by the fight, and Piper was trying to comfort her. Ali was cheering wildly, making me laugh to myself.
“That blondie yours, McQuaid?” a teammate in the box asked, making me snap my eyes forward. He was looking at her with interest. Way too much interest.
“Yeah, she’s mine,” I automatically responded.
Next to me, Kappy raised his eyebrow in question.
I scowled at him. Ali was my girl. She was. I just made things awkward, but I’d fix it. Now I just needed this game to end so I could get the chance to fix it.
________
Except after the game, the three girls weren’t in the small family room where they were supposed to be waiting for us.
“Where’d they go?” Colt asked. He was wearing a black peacoat over his game suit and a beanie over his sweaty hair.
His eye and lip were already starting to swell from his fight.
“I told Mer to bring the girls down here. She’s been back here before, she knows where to meet us.
” A little wrinkle formed between his brows while he fished his phone out of his pocket.
After a couple minutes of trying to call her, he pulled his phone away from his ear with a grunt of dissatisfaction.
“She’s not answering.” He shook his head. “Where are they?”
Kappy came strutting forward, his suit jacket long gone and his white shirt only halfway buttoned. He pushed his long damp hair back. “They’re probably still up in their seats.” He nodded toward the stadium entrance.
Kappy’s words didn’t ease the tension on Colt’s face. “Worth a try,” he said before turning on his heel and striding forward.
Walking out to the stadium, we heard the girls before we saw them.