24
Noah peeks at me with only his eyes, keeping his head bowed. This is my den. No one else is allowed. His tail softly wags as his eyes dart to the ground and back to me. Except for the little wolves. I can’t seem to get mad at them.
My heart pounds as I trace the rocky entrance’s cool surface with my eyes alone, unsure if I should enter.
But Noah sits on his haunches, thumping his tail softly on the ground. When I said no one else is allowed in, I meant besides you and me, sweet Omega. This is yours now, too.
“Noah, this is...” My eyes water, although I can’t place why. As I take my first step inside, my spine alights with warmth despite the chilled, damp air. “It smells like you. I love it.”
Noah stands, his tail wagging harder. He does a few circles before slinking to the ground, leaving an obvious space for me against him.
But I can’t bring myself to sit. How am I going to tell him about my dad?
Noah whines, easing back to his feet. As he nudges my cheek, my fingers disappear into his fluffy head.
Talk to me. I can handle it,he mindlinks.
I swallow hard, wanting to believe him, but I know this will be a painful conversation, no matter what. For both of us.
But Noah nudges me again. His vibrant, golden irises are piercingly serious, and I know I have to share the truth eventually.
“I realized we’re not on the same page about our dads’ deaths, and I don’t even have all the information,” I say.
Delicately nuzzling me, Noah slinks around me with soft whines. His earnest cries make my eyes sting hot.
It sounds like you know more than I realized too,he mindlinks. How did your dad pass?
I shiver, terrified of this conversation. Noah misunderstands my quivering as being cold and huddles closer.
“Noah, I’m so sorry you understand this pain so well. Amy told me my dad was in your pack, which I had no idea existed. Not only that, but...” I grip my dress. “She explained they were more than just best friends. My dad was also Alpha Ritchie’s Beta, which is why they hunted together and passed away on the job. That a hunter mistook them as targets... supposedly.”
His huge wolf eyes gaze deep into mine.
“I don’t know how you and I never met. My dad was Takahiro Matsuoka.”
Our bond ripples and shifts, aching so badly that I wince. Noah tenses, pulling back from me, and my stomach flips. I jump to my feet as if he’s tearing my heart out with him.
“A-are you leaving me?”
He freezes, his snout puffing dirt around me with his heaving breath. N-no. Please don’t keep thinking that about me.
Guilt stabs my gut. He’s right; I keep assuming the worst based on past relationships. But I also get the feeling Noah runs away to cope.
I’m not leaving you,he mindlinks. But I don’t know how to live with the guilt.
“What do you mean? You’re not listening to your mom, are you?”
He slinks back, and I automatically chase him. He freezes again. She’s right. I should’ve been there. I’m so sorry. We never met because Takahiro never wanted you to live like us - fight for our lives like us, get shot like us... I should’ve seen it coming and protected you from having to lose him too. Goddess, I wasn’t there to protect you in so many ways now.
His massive wolf suddenly looks so small, curled into himself with one raised paw against his cheek - almost like he’s hiding from me.
I don’t know why, but I wanted to stay home that day on our usual perimeter check, and Takahiro went in my place. Fuck, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry...
I stumble forward, grasping Noah’s fur. It feels like if I don’t cling on, he could disappear. “You mean I could’ve lost my mate that day too? I would’ve truly been alone, forever?”
He whines even louder, bowing his head.
“I wasn’t there either, Noah. I took a pass on our weekly lunch date, so he left to see Ritchie early.”
Noah’s whine morphs into a soft howl that makes my entire body shiver. The second he does it, I burst into tears. He crawls on massive paws. One big black paw pad scoops me against his chest before Noah drapes his head over me.
I’m sorry. Even if I don’t deserve someone as sweet as you, I want to be your mate. Please don’t think otherwise. I don’t want to leave you.
“Please don’t, especially not because of this. I’d never blame you for someone else’s shot.”
I know you wouldn’t, sweet Omega. But I’ll blame myself for not being there, forever.
As he wraps himself tighter around me, Noah tucks me against his ultra-soft belly. His heavy heartbeat thumps against my head. Immersed in his fur, it’s pitch black. Safe.
I let myself cry with him. He gets it. How horrific their deaths will feel for the rest of our lives.
Maybe Lilian was right. Noah is hurting worse than it seems, and it’s taking a toll on his health. But I can’t say I’m as cheery or healthy as I want to be either. Like Noah, I want to be his mate, regardless. Even before our bond, something within me felt connected to him, down to my soul. I want to get to know him, however long it takes for us to open up.
I run my hands through Noah’s fur, scratching his chest until his breathing slows. As my hands reach where I marked his neck, Noah’s muscles loosen and our bond flourishes with warmth. He cuddles me closer, sending waves of pleasure through me with his pleased scent. Despite my tears, I smile at the love filling my core.
That’s right. We have each other now.
“Thank you, Noah.”
How could you thank me for this?
“I didn’t even know how my dad really died until I realized I was a wolf. All that time, I could only theorize it wasn’t an accident... Which made a lot of people think I’d lost it. But now that I know it happened during a perimeter run, it comforts me to think he was already choosing to risk his life for this beautiful pack. Whether his death was an accident or not, he died doing what he wanted.” I bite back fresh tears, smiling through it. “And if that means his death spared your life, then he protected my future home with you in this pack too.”
Noah gingerly licks the tears from my cheeks, tugging at my heartstrings until I release a satisfied sigh.
But he doesn’t say much else. We sit in silence for a while until he gives me a soft neck lick. I gasp at its cool, pleasing shock.
Over time, I’ll tell you everything I know about your dad. He was special to all of us too,Noah mindlinks.
My heart twists with relief, knowing my dad had a community behind him. But with how much I was excluded from this pack when I needed it most, I’m ashamed to feel a sinking bitterness.
I’m sure Noah can sense it seeping through our bond, but his golden wolf eyes remain stoic. He nudges my stomach with his big nose, and his huffing breath startles me into squealing laughter no matter my mood.
His tail wags, brightening my laughter even more. Come on, it’s your turn. I want to reassure you now too.
“But you’re hurting.”
I’m fine now, thanks to you. Wolves move on quickly, and I’m ready to stop thinking about this if you’re not upset with me.
“Of course I’m not. None of this is your fault... Or mine, if I’m honest.”
Well, good. If you want to share, I want to listen. His curious, tilted head relaxes me, especially with how deeply Lilian shattered his heart.
But I bite my lips, not knowing where to start after the past few days. “I guess I’m a bit stressed about joining the pack.”
Don’t be. We induct new pack members every full moon in an official welcoming ceremony. So before the next full moon in two weeks, we just have to get your wolf ready. Which will apparently be easier than I thought, feisty Omega.
“Wait, what? How do you know?”
You already almost shifted on your own earlier. I could feel it.
My heart flips. “That’s what that was?!”
Noah nuzzles into me, and our bond buzzes with his giddy excitement. But I’m still stressed after how out-of-control shifting felt, especially if it can’t be avoided.
I’ll help you learn to release your wolf on your terms. Then you can take your first pack run with us. Excitement fills me with every word Noah speaks. He wags his tail again, flopping over on his side. I also just want to play with your wolf so badly.
I laugh, laying on my side so we’re face-to-face. As I pretend to paw at him with my human hands, Noah pants with a happy smile. That sweet face mends my sore heart.
“What else do I need to do if I want to become Luna someday?”
His panting increases - giant paws carefully bumping me despite his desperation to play. I burst out laughing.
Nothing. You’re perfect as is.
“Nothing in the world is perfect. Believe me, I’d know.”
Fair enough. Then as long as we can work with your wolf, I’ll show you the ropes. Otherwise, just keep being your sweet Omega self.
“And if I’m pregnant? How would you feel?”
Noah’s warm, fluffy paws fall still, resting on my sides. His hesitation makes my gut churn.
Is this where things finally come crashing down? Just like I’m used to?
I know Noah says otherwise, but with everything I’ve been through, I feel like it’s naive to trust anything this good. We’re bound to have a blowout eventually, aren’t we?
Noah studies me intently. I swallow hard, nervously combing his fur.
“I-it’s not too late for me to take the morning-after pill. Maybe I should, just so there’s less uncertainty,” I say.
Noah’s left ear flicks back. It doesn’t work well on Lycans - along with most other medications. Our metabolism is too high.
“Well, that explains my whole life.”
You probably need higher doses of everything like me, but since you’re part human, I don’t know how much higher. I’d be worried about either under- or overdosing you and giving you complications.
“But I’m also supposed to start my period in the next few days. I’m not sure I could get pregnant in the first place. Or does going into heat mean I could?”
Not necessarily. It’s also possible to have a spur-of-the-moment, hormonal heat if your mate riles you up.
I bite back my smile. “Oh. Well, I was pretty... excited by you.”
Noah’s tail thwacks the ground again, fluttering my heart. Sweet Omega, I’m not meaning to avoid your question about possibly being pregnant. I’m just having a hard time figuring out what I’m missing. I thought we cleared it up already.
My heart drops. “Oh, God. I guess I am obsessing about this and didn’t realize... but... um...”
I don’t know what to say. How to explain, or if I need to. There’s no indication that Noah understood what Jenny meant earlier about my disorder.
That’s not all that scares me. I worked tirelessly with Jenny for years, some days sleeping off exhaustion from retraining my brain to function in daily life. And before I progressed in my treatment this year, I really couldn’t function. Everything terrified me, leading me down a path where I was afraid I’d destroy everyone around me or destroy myself. Jenny explained I’ll likely have minor setbacks for the rest of my life, but I never want to be back in that mental space.
Either way, I’ll have to tell Jenny I’m relapsing from multiple triggers in a row - accidentally letting compulsions slip through and worsening their intensity.
Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself.Noah boops my cheek with his giant, wet nose, soaking half my face. I just don’t like to plan too far ahead anymore. My life has derailed too many times.
I deflate, still drying my face with my sleeve. “I know exactly what you mean.”
But I already know we’ll figure it out if the time comes, even if I don’t know how just yet. I’ll support you if you’re pregnant, no matter what you want to do about it.
I mentioned it first, yet I’m so flustered that I can’t speak. Noah means every damn word; our bond adds transparency to our conversations that I’ve never had with another partner.
I need to work on this in therapy. He’s completely smitten, and I’m not used to it. I don’t want to keep accusing him based on other people’s behavior. With Noah, I finally might be able to enjoy myself. To keep feeling this freedom. I don’t want to ruin that.
My heart flutters, feeling more and more whole the longer he gazes at me. I hold Noah’s snout steady before leaning in to kiss his wet, huffing nose. Noah’s tail hits the ground so hard that my whole body vibrates.
Suddenly, I’m body-slammed with hundreds of pounds of excited fluff.
My mate.His wolf play-growls, and I burst into squealing laughter.
“Noah?! Don’t crush your mate before you mark her!”
He gives an excited yip, licking the back of my head until my hair is in shambles.
By the time I can escape him, his eyes are wild and I’m breathless with laughter.
Ugh, fuck. I want to shift so I can kiss you, but I left my clothes in my tree hole, and I don’t trust us naked.
I giggle. “You have a tree hole? That sounds...”
He pants, nudging me to my feet. This is exactly why I can’t be naked. Don’t excite your mate even more. I have a territory negotiation dinner I can’t be late for.
Noah burrows his head into my belly until I’m smushed against his side, failing to escape his ticklish attack with breathless laughter. He wags his tail so hard that his butt wiggles. Let me take you to my tree, then I can kiss you before you go home.
I climb on, taking the chance to hug him with my whole body.
Noah gives a happy growl as he slinks from the cave, weaving into his forest.
When Noah shifts out of his wolf form beside his tree hole, his teal eyes lock on mine. I bite my lips, struggling to stop staring at his gorgeous, copper skin, stripped bare and glistening beneath the orange sunset.
Noah huffs, having to turn his back as our bond tingles with desire. All he can slip on are his boxers before he whips back around, tackles me in a huge hug, and kisses me against the tree. I flush from my core to my ears.
His lips are feverish and serious, his hands caressing me with so much cuddling pressure that I sigh in delight. After his kisses grow soft, losing their desperation, I’m left dazed and smiling. But Noah remains serious.
“Sweet Omega...” His voice is gentle, making me want to stifle my flustered breath just to hear him out loud again. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”
I trace his stare, soaking in his sincerity.
When I lean in to kiss him, I brush his mark with my fingertips - like he keeps doing to that golden spot on my neck. I think I’m finally getting it. It’s an “I adore you” without the pressure of explaining how or why.
Noah sucks in a heavy breath, hugging me as tight as he can as his eyebrows melt into tender emotion. We gaze into each other’s eyes, the tips of our noses touching as we breathe each other in.
Then he groans. “No, I can’t. I can’t let you go for the night.”
“I don’t want to go either, but I have to teach tomorrow,” I say. “Maybe I could sleep over some nights and leave early for work?”
He perks up. “Y-yeah? Will you?”
“As long as you’ll stay at my place sometimes too.”
Noah kisses me through his smile, his warm lips making me ache for more. “Of course I will. I’m still dying to hold you.”
“I want to hold you again too, Alpha.”
He flushes, his head dipping with a soft smile.
Melancholy fills me. “I’ll... keep the door unlocked for you. Just in case.”
“Then I’ll... try not to mindlink you too much.”
I smile. “Please do.”
Noah laughs, and it’s the last I see of him for the night.
As soon as Amy turns onto the forest road home, I’m struggling not to cry in her passenger’s seat. I bottle it all, angrily shoving everything into my gut.
It’s not only from missing him. I’m questioning everything, intrusive thoughts souring my insides with petty, brutal questions about my reality. What if he’s faking it? What if this is just new relationship energy? What if this the best it’ll ever feel, and it’ll only get worse from here?
Maybe, I tell myself. It’s possible, but I can’t know for certain.
That finally settles me into my chair.
But I’m still annoyed at myself. How can I be so pessimistic when I have a chance at everything I’ve ever wanted? Why can’t I accept it’s real and be happy?
Amy grabs my hand as she drives, keeping her eyes on the winding road. “A., you seem on edge. Are you about to have a panic attack? Or did you have a flashback? Or something else?”
“I feel like I’m doing something horribly wrong. What if this is unhealthy?
“Wait, what’s unhealthy?”
“How I feel about him. I shouldn’t be this attached, especially not this early. It’s a recipe for disaster. But if it doesn’t work out or I back out now, I’ll be so crushed that I’d regret letting him go forever.”
“Aliya, take a deep breath with me, okay?”
I shake my head no. “It’s not going to help.”
“Then what if I told you I felt the exact same way about Kira when we first met? Do you remember my freakout?”
That’s right - Amy wallowed on my apartment floor when they had to spend their first day apart. “Yeah. That was worrisome too, to be honest.”
Amy laughs, nudging me playfully. “You brat. You want to know why it’s so hard?”
“Why?”
“You’re mates, not human partners. This isn’t like any relationship you’ve ever had because nothing else is like it.” She strokes my hand, but I’m not convinced. “Werewolves bond at the soul level. You’ll feel torn apart when you’re not together because you are being torn apart. It’s painful as hell.”
“Oh, God. I’ll feel like this forever? Whenever we separate, even for one night?”
Amy sighs. “You’ll get used to it. Your bond is still fresh, so your instincts will want to nest with him nonstop. Just get through this early stage, then we’ll worry about the next part, okay?”
I exhale, feeling slightly better. “Okay. But you’ll call me out if I’m being irrational and don’t realize it?”
She shrugs. “Maybe I will, maybe I won’t.”
“Ha ha. Very funny.” I relax into her passenger’s seat, smiling at how well my best friend knows me - enough to know reassurance only makes my compulsions worsen. Especially since she was there through the worst of them.
Before I can ruminate over how I’ll ever explain my disorder to Noah from the beginning, I close my eyes, finding comfort in my best friend’s hand.