Chapter 35
35
ETHAN
Beating the hell out of the bag, I paused to wipe the sweat from my brow and then started up again. I was angry almost all the time, and I couldn’t shake it. It was beginning to affect my life and the people around me, including everyone at work. Hell, I wasn’t even being the brother and uncle I needed to be for Everly and Riley. I was ignoring everyone. I got up, came to the office, got everything I’d need for the day and left. I didn’t socialize with anyone, and I only came to the gym when I knew it would be empty. I was lost, and I couldn’t seem to find my way back to who I was before that fucking trip to Devil’s Lake.
With music playing loudly in my ears, I didn’t hear anyone come into the gym until he was standing in front of me. He surprised me, considering it was Friday night. I thought everyone was already gone. With a jerk, I grabbed the bag before it swung back and hit Brody, who stood behind it with an expression I couldn’t read.
I tapped my earbud to stop the music before pulling them out, but I didn’t have time to say anything before Brody spoke. “Let’s go.”
He sounded pissed, and if I was being honest with myself, I’d been waiting for this. He gave me two weeks to get my shit together, and in those two weeks, I’d only gotten worse. I tossed my earbuds in my gym bag, shoved my phone in my pocket, and grabbed my T-shirt. Tugging it on, I followed him from the room, leaving everything else behind, assuming we were only going to his office.
I realized I was wrong when he led me out of the building and to his truck. We both got in, but after a minute of driving, I was confused enough to finally speak. “We got a job?”
“Nope.”
I turned to stare at the side of his face, panic filling me. “Did something happen to Everly?”
“Nope.”
“Then where the hell are we going?”
He didn’t answer, but he didn’t really have to because we’d already pulled into the parking lot attached to the apartment building where Mila lived.
He shut off the truck and gestured to the building. “Go talk to her.”
“We already talked, Brody.” That wasn’t true. I hadn’t talked to her since our conversation in the parking garage. She texted me before the meeting on Monday, but I was short when I replied. Honestly, I didn’t know what was left to say. We both took a stance, and neither was prepared to budge.
He shook his head. “Yeah, well, whatever the fuck you decided isn’t working, and now it’s affecting everyone.”
“I’ll fix it.”
He turned slightly so he could look at me. “We gave you time, Ethan, and it’s only getting worse. You’re not fixing it.”
I sighed. “It’s not that easy.”
“Life’s not easy, Ethan. It’s fucking hard, and it’s even harder when you’re fighting yourself as much as you are. This isn’t all on you. Told Mila pretty much the same thing.”
“It’s not her fault.” I stared at the building in front of me. “She wanted to talk about it, but I shut it down.”
“Why?”
“Because I already knew how she wanted to handle it, and I wasn’t capable of that.”
“She wanted to hide it,” he surmised.
I met his stare. “How did you know that?”
“She’s afraid.” Brody ran his hand around the back of his neck.
“Of what?”
“Of being judged by the team.” He shook his head. “Her father’s a piece of shit, Ethan. He got in her head, convinced her she wasn’t valuable, and she’ll do whatever it takes to prove herself. If that means hiding who she really is or what she likes, she’ll do it. She’ll become whatever people need her to be to prove she belongs.” He glanced at her building before meeting my stare again. “She do that shit while you were in Devil’s Lake?”
I thought about that but then shook my head. “No, not really.”
Brody inhaled deeply. “She trusts you. So that means the problem lies with the rest of us. And that’s something we’ll fix.”
“That doesn’t really change anything,” I admitted.
“No, not for the two of you.” He laid his head against the headrest, stared straight ahead, and exhaled loudly. “I’m no good at this.”
“At what?”
“Talking about personal shit.” He snorted. “I’m trying to think about what my dad would say because he is good at this, but I’m coming up blank. All I know is that if you don’t talk to her, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”
“That’s what you don’t understand, Brody.” I gestured toward her building. “I can go in there and talk to her, but it won’t change anything. Neither of us is willing to change our mind, and I can’t seem to just move on.”
Brody exhaled heavily. “Went through the same damn shit with Gia. I never expected her. Met in Vegas, and I wasn’t in a good place. Just got home from the military and was dealing with fucking nightmares. I was at Jax’s bachelor party, trying to disappear, and then I saw her sitting at a bar all by herself. Something about her drew me in. We had what was supposed to be a one-night stand, and she stuck to that. I left Vegas angry that she snuck out before we could talk the next day. That anger never left me. I carried it like a fucking shield, and nothing anyone said helped.” He paused and ran his hand over his neck again. “God, I was such a pain in the ass to everyone. What I didn’t admit was that I was angry with myself for not doing anything, not saying anything to stop her from leaving that room. I could have, but I didn’t, and I turned that regret into anger.”
I looked toward her building, and the anger I’d been carrying turned to sadness. “I’m in love with her.” Shaking my head, I continued. “Been in love with her since I met her. Never thought it could become anything, though. But then she came clean, and I realized it could.”
“That conversation happen in the bar?” he asked.
I snapped my head in his direction. “How do you know that?”
He sighed. “The director sat down with me and Jax. Told us there were cameras everywhere in that bar except the back room. He had a video he didn’t think our team would want put into evidence, so he gave it to us.”
I closed my eyes and ran my hand over my forehead. “You watch it?”
“Watched the beginning,” Brody said. “As soon as we realized what was going on, we understood why the director brought it to us, and we destroyed it.”
“Thank god.” I exhaled in relief. “Did you tell Mila?”
“No.” He frowned. “Wasn’t planning on telling you either. Didn’t think you needed to know a private moment was recorded.”
“Then why are you?”
“Because I think it might help you to understand Mila a little more.” When I jerked up my chin, he continued talking. “Before Mila worked the undercover case with Nick, she was sent on a few trial runs.”
“What does that mean?”
“Means the FBI wanted her to get her feet wet, so she did some surveillance and a few smaller undercover cases. Nothing like the case with Nick, but they still took her out of town, and she spent a lot of overnights with male agents. During the final trial, the FBI specifically chose an agent she’d gotten close to in order to test their resolve.”
“And?”
“And according to the director, Mila never crossed the line, and she never allowed their relationship to be more than what the case entailed.”
“Is this part of the normal training for agents?”
Brody’s jaw hardened. “I asked the director the same question, and he said it wasn’t. This was something her father put into place when she joined the team. When he proposed it, he said it was to ensure the team could be successful without becoming distracted because they had a big case coming up that they were considering Mila and her partner for. That’s not why he did it. He wanted to prove she couldn’t handle it. He was trying to break her, but he failed. I have no idea if she knew they were testing her, but she proved herself to the director during that time, and her father’s plan backfired.”
“Is that why they want her back?”
“That’s exactly why they want her back. Her entire focus is on the job. Nothing breaks that.” Brody studied me carefully. “But that focus broke with you. You were both in a vulnerable position that night in the bar. She knew that, but it didn’t stop her. She would never allow that if she didn’t have feelings for you.”
“That doesn’t change where we are now, Brody.”
“No, it doesn’t. But you need to understand she’s spent her entire adult life trying to prove herself. In her mind, especially after what happened with Striker when she first started, she’s still trying to prove herself. She’s not afraid of a relationship with you, she’s afraid the rest of us will see her as the weak link.” He reached out and wrapped his hand around my shoulder. “Her father referred to her as the weak link, the most likely to break. That shit would stay with anyone. The only way she knows how to protect herself is to hide behind the facade she built.”
“What a piece of shit.”
“Yeah, he is, and I’m happy she chose to leave the FBI and get away from him.” He squeezed my shoulder before dropping his hand. “Do you want her?”
“Yeah,” I answered without any hesitation.
“Then go get her.” He jerked his head in the direction of the building.
I stared at the building through the windshield. “I think it might be too late.”
“Maybe,” he agreed. “But you’ll never know until you walk your ass up to her door. Don’t let this be a regret in your life.” When I looked back at him, he lifted an eyebrow. “Trust me. That kind of regret has the ability to change you.”
He was right.
I wasn’t the same person I was when I left New Hope.
And I hated the person I was becoming.
It was time to make a change.