Chapter 36
36
MILA
With my hands on my hips, I stared into my closet and sighed. I wasn’t sure what I was even looking for. All I knew was I needed to get out of my apartment. It was Friday night, and I couldn’t keep sitting around moping. Landon told me he’d be at Crush tonight, considering the new owner decided to keep Elite’s services in place, and to come by if I had time. I was just bored enough that hanging out with Landon in a club I didn’t like sounded promising.
Now that the case was over, I needed to concentrate on making some friends. I couldn’t rely on Nick and Beth to be the only people in my life. Nick was preoccupied with his little family, and Beth was so busy with Striker, I rarely saw her. She and Striker were together all the time, and I understood why. They’d denied themselves a relationship for four years, so it made sense that they were making up for lost time. Besides, if I invited Beth out, Striker would come along, which isn’t what I need. What I needed was to find a group of women to do things with, preferably single women, so I didn’t feel like a third wheel all the time.
Leah popped into my mind, and I wondered what she did on the weekends. Oddly, no one talked about her outside of work, myself included. I didn’t know anything about her other than that she was fantastic at her job, and a lot of her job involved wrangling testosterone-fueled men with tempers. She calmed them down more than a few times, which was a big task for anyone.
Grabbing a dress from the closet, I pulled it over my head and stared at myself in the mirror. I looked like April. I didn’t want to be April anymore, but sadly, my wardrobe consisted of April clothes and my work clothes. I didn’t know what I would wear to a club. I never went to one as myself. In college, I went to a few parties but wore jeans, and considering it wasn’t really my scene, I usually left early. I needed to spend some time finding a new style, one that fits my life now. While I was at it, I should probably do something with my hair too. Lifting my hand, I ran my fingers through the ends. It was the color of honey, which I liked because I was back to my actual color and no longer the bleached blond I once was, but it didn’t have much life. It had no personality. It was just blah and kind of looked the way I’d been feeling.
I was startled when there was a knock on the door. No one really comes to my place unless it’s Beth or Striker because they live right down the hall, but they usually text first. Shrugging, I walked to the door and pushed up to my tiptoes to look through the peephole.
Dropping back to my feet, I stood still. Ethan. What the hell was he doing at my door? When he knocked again, I knew I had to answer. He would’ve seen my car outside. He knew I was in here, and it was childish to pretend I wasn’t. Not to mention, I was curious as to why he was suddenly standing outside my door after two weeks of silence.
Unlocking it, I pulled it open and met his dark brown eyes. From the moment I met him, I saw something in those eyes that drew me to him, and that hasn’t changed.
He shoved his hands in his pockets, his eyes scanning down my body before meeting mine again. “You goin’ out?”
“Yeah,” I answered, although I wasn’t sure that was true anymore. The sadness I’d been battling suddenly engulfed me again.
He grinned slightly and pointed at my dress. “I hate your dress.”
I wanted to smile. I knew he hated my April clothes, and I missed this banter with him, but I couldn’t find the energy. “What do you want, Ethan?”
He pulled his hand from his pocket and gestured inside. “Do you have a minute before you leave?”
“Sure,” I replied unconvincingly and opened the door wider so he could walk through. “What’s going on?”
He glanced around my sparsely decorated living room, another thing I didn’t make time to do, before turning to face me just as I closed the door. “Thought we should talk.”
My eyebrows lifted. “I’m not sure there’s anything to say.”
He exhaled. “I talked to Brody…”
I laughed without any humor and put my hands on my hips. “Ah, that makes sense. I couldn’t figure out why you would be knocking on my door on a Friday night, but Brody finally talked to you and told you what he told me. Fix this.”
“Not exactly.”
I shook my head. “That’s exactly why you’re here.” I gestured toward his shorts and T-shirt. “Let me guess, by what you’re wearing, you were in the gym, he came in, told you we were making everyone uncomfortable, and one of us needed to fix it.” I put my arms out to the sides. “So you got in your car and drove here to do just that.”
“You’re wrong.”
“About which part?”
He swallowed. “I didn’t drive here.”
I tilted my head to the side. “Then how did you get here?”
“Brody drove me.”
“Oh my god.” I shoved my hands in my hair and turned my back on him. “You couldn’t even drive yourself here.” I spun to face him again. “That’s how much you don’t want to talk to me. He had to make you.”
“He didn’t make me.”
“Yes, he did,” I said without waiting for him to deny it again. “You know what I don’t get.” When he just watched me, I continued. “You told me how much you hate this shit—drama, tension, all of it—and that’s why you always clear the air. Was that even true?”
“Yes, that was true.”
“Then why not clear the air?” I pointed at him. “I asked you if we could talk, and you said no.”
“I didn’t wanna hear what you were going to say,” I answered honestly.
That stung, but I tried really hard to keep my expression neutral so he wouldn’t know how easily he could hurt me. “Then I guess we don’t have anything to talk about.” I pointed toward the door. “Just go.”
“I already knew what you were going to say, Mila. You were going to plead your case for keeping our relationship a secret. I thought about it, you know. I actually considered doing something I knew wasn’t right for either of us or the team because I wanted to be with you, but at the end of the day, I realized if we hid our relationship, then it didn’t mean anything.”
I swallowed hard. “I wasn’t asking you to hide it forever. I just wanted some time to...”
“To what?” He waited patiently for me to find the words to explain what I wanted. But I honestly didn’t know. I had no plans of telling anyone.
“I don’t know, Ethan, but we could’ve figured it out together.”
He took a step toward me. “I know you’re scared.”
“I’m not scared,” I answered defiantly.
“Brody told me that your father constantly tried to prove you were the weak link.”
Embarrassment filled me immediately. I never wanted anyone to know that, especially the men I worked with at Elite, and I had no idea how Brody knew, but it was even worse that he shared it with Ethan. “That wasn’t his information to share.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
My eyes widened. “Do you really think I wanted anyone to know my own father felt that way about me?”
His voice rose slightly. “It was me, Mila. What the hell kind of relationship were we building if you couldn’t share that with me? It would’ve gone a long way in explaining why you were so hell-bent on hiding our relationship.”
I shrugged and grabbed my purse from the couch before pushing past him. I was angry, but even more, I hated that he was right. I should’ve shared more with him, but the idea of being that vulnerable and the fear of it being thrown back in my face was too much for me to handle. “I asked you to leave, and if you won’t leave, then I will.” When he didn’t say anything, I glanced over my shoulder to see he was right behind me. “What are you doing?”
“I’m going with you.” He pointed at my feet. “You may want to put on shoes before we leave.”
Looking down at my bare feet, I swore under my breath. “No, you’re not.”
“Look, Mila, we’re talking, and we’re doing that tonight. We can do it here, or we can do it in the car. Either way, we’re figuring this out.”
“Why now?” I threw my purse on the table beside the door. “You were right when you said nothing’s changed for either of us, so what’s the point of rehashing everything?”
“We’re both miserable.” He announced what I was having a hard time admitting to anyone, including myself. “And because we’re shit at hiding it, everyone’s aware that something went down between us. If we don’t figure it out right now, someone, probably Kyle, is going to bring it up at one of the meetings. Considering you want to keep it private, not talking to me tonight will backfire.”
I crossed my arms over my chest, annoyed that he was right again. He was always so logical, and that was how he handled every situation. I wish I had that ability rather than handling situations fueled by my emotions. “Fine. How do you want to fix it?”
He stared at me, and I could tell he was trying to figure out how he wanted to say it, but I needed him to just say it. Quick and painless, or at least quick, so we could both move on. I was fully expecting it to be painful.
“I’m in love with you.”
I stared at him in disbelief. That wasn’t what I expected him to say. Silence filled the room while we stared at each other until I finally spoke. “I don’t know what to do with that, Ethan.”
“I don’t either.”
I rested my hands on the sides of my neck, allowing the idea of Ethan loving me to settle in. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He closed his eyes briefly before answering. “I didn’t want you to tell me you didn’t feel the same way. I couldn’t imagine hearing those words.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I fell in love with you the day I met you. There’s no logic to that. I barely knew you, but I loved you.” He took a step toward me but then stopped. “I’ll leave, but I need you to tell me it was just a fling for you. I need to hear the words so I can stop wondering if I made the right decision. I need to stop being angry with myself and you so I can get back to some kind of normal, whatever that will look like now. Just tell me that you were looking for a fling. Tell me you never wanted anything serious with me, that everything was in the heat of the moment, and that’s why it would’ve been so easy for you to hide our relationship. If you can tell me that, maybe I can start to let you go and move the fuck on.”
It was my turn to swallow hard. I had a choice, and unfortunately, my pride was still getting in my way. “It doesn’t matter now, Ethan.”
He took a step closer. “Tell me.”
“Why does it matter what it was for me?” I argued. “We both made our decisions, and neither of us is willing to bend.”
He took a few more steps until he stood in front of me. He slid his hand around the side of my neck, and my breath caught. God, I missed him. I missed talking to him, missed laughing with him, missed his hands on me, but more than anything, I missed how he made me feel. He leaned down until his mouth hovered above mine. “I need the words. I need to be able to move on. I need to know that we didn’t throw away the best thing that may have ever happened to us.”
Fear like I’d never felt ripped through my chest. It was almost suffocating in its strength, and I had no idea if it was the fear of losing him or admitting that I loved him.
Because I did love him.
Of course I loved him.
But it was too painful.
I knew before I opened my mouth that I would do what I always did to protect myself from this kind of pain.
Lie.
“It was a fling,” I said quietly.
He nodded and dropped his hand before taking a few steps back. He didn’t say more; he didn’t need to. I’d officially ended what never really began. He turned toward the door, hesitating for only a moment before he walked to it and grabbed the handle. My fears wouldn’t let me stop him from turning that knob and pulling open the door. They wouldn’t let me call out to him that I loved him too and that this was all a misunderstanding. That I wanted to do better for him, but I didn’t know how to let go of everything I’d done for so long to protect myself from the pain and embarrassment and ridicule that I endured for no other reason than who I was.
I stared at the closed door, accepting that I was a fraud. I kept telling myself I was doing better and learning to embrace who I was, but that was a lie. I wasn’t doing better. This proved that. I carried all the fears and doubts I had working under my father to Elite, and I put up my walls so no one could really know who I was or what I thought. I wasn’t letting them in because I didn’t trust them.
I didn’t trust anyone.
Except Ethan.
I shared more about myself with him than anyone else.
But at some point, I once again let my pride and fear of judgment overrule my heart. Jax’s words echoed through my mind, “You’re worth a hell of a lot, and it’s a fucking shame that your father convinced you otherwise. ”
He convinced me of that and so much more. I could understand why Ethan didn’t know if it was real for me. I was damn good at playing the part I’d played for years. It was so easy to fall back into those patterns of secrets and distrust as soon as I was scared that I didn’t even recognize I was. In doing that, I asked something of the one person I loved that he could never do. He could never pretend he didn’t love someone because when Ethan loved, he loved them with his entire self. I’d seen that in the way he was with his sister and his niece. If I hadn’t been so blinded by my fear, I would’ve seen how much he hated the idea just by his reaction alone.
I was wrong.
Probably about a lot of things, but definitely about the choices I’d been making.
I wanted to be the person I’d convinced myself I was becoming.
For myself but even more for the people I loved.
With an energy I hadn’t felt in weeks, I ran to the door. Maybe I could catch him, but if not, I knew where to find him. Flinging open the door, I stopped in my tracks when I saw him standing on the other side, hands braced on the doorframe above him, looking exactly like I felt.
Lost.
“I can’t seem to leave.”
“Thank god.” I wrapped my hands around his neck and laid my lips against his, kissing him quickly before pulling back. “I lied to you just now. This was never a fling for me.” His expression grew serious, and he dropped his arms. “I’m in love with you too, and I’m sorry I asked you to pretend that love wasn’t worth standing up for.”
He wrapped his hands around my hips. “You mean that?”
Sliding my hands down to lay against his chest, I sighed. “I do.”
Pushing me backward, he crushed his lips to mine. I heard the door slam seconds before I opened my mouth and moaned when he deepened the kiss. He turned us so he could press me against the door and lifted my leg to rest against his hip. This would be hard and fast, and that was exactly what I wanted. I needed to feel him to believe this was real, and I wasn’t only dreaming he’d shown up at my door like I’d been hoping he would. Grabbing the waistband of his shorts, I started to yank them down, but then he turned us and walked me backward. The back of my legs hit the couch cushions, and we both fell. Landing hard, he caught himself with his hand so he didn’t land on top of me. He shoved my dress up and tore my panties to the side before sliding his fingers through my slit.
“Ethan.” I panted against his lips when he rolled his thumb over my clit.
Shoving my hand between us, I reached into his shorts and wrapped my hand around his hard length.
“Fuck.” He tore his lips from mine and dropped his face into my neck. “Harder, baby.”
I tightened my hand, and he groaned, which only encouraged me to do it harder and faster. Pushing up to his elbow, he grabbed the front of my dress and tore it down, baring my breasts. His lips wrapped around my nipple, and I moaned loudly. Sensations tore through me when he pinched my clit while he sucked.
With one hand on his ass, I guided him toward me. “Now, Ethan.”
We groaned simultaneously from the sheer intensity of all of it when he pushed inside me. He pumped his hips quickly and lifted my legs to wrap around his waist, which pushed him even deeper. I wanted him to be as deep as he could go so there was no doubt we were connected in every possible way.
His eyes met mine. “Do you have any idea how much I’ve missed you?”
I smiled. “I…” I trailed off when he twisted his hips just enough to hit the spot inside me that only he could seem to find. “Jesus, Ethan.”
He doubled the speed of his thrusts, and I stared into his eyes. There was more there than ever before, or maybe I was finally allowing myself to see it. Using his thumb and finger, he pinched my clit, and that was all I needed to fall apart. I knew he wasn’t far behind when he thrust a few more times before squeezing my hips and dropping his head to my shoulder.
He slid off to the side but turned me so I was rolled against his chest while we both caught our breath.
I snuggled against his chest. “I’m sorry.”
He shoved his hand into my hair. “Me too.”
“I just need you to understand that I’m a work in progress,” I said honestly. “I came to some realizations after you told me you loved me, but it’s still going to take me some time to stop falling back into my old habits.”
“Is one of your old habits talking this much after sex?”
Pulling back slightly, I looked up to see his eyes locked on me, but a grin played around his lips.
“Some things aren’t gonna change,” I warned him with a smile.
“Good.” He pulled me tight against him. “Because I like teasing you about it.”
My smile faded slowly. “You know, it's so easy when it’s just you and me. I don’t think it will be this easy at work on Monday.”
He shrugged one of his shoulders. “You and me. That’s all that matters. We’ll do whatever it takes to make it work, but I don’t think it’s gonna be as hard as you think it is. They just want us to be happy.”
I wanted that to be true, and I was choosing to believe it tonight. That didn’t mean I would walk into the meeting on Monday confidently. My insecurities and fears didn’t disappear because I realized I loved Ethan enough to fight for our relationship, but it didn’t feel as overwhelming knowing he would be standing next to me while I faced them.
“You know we should’ve talked about this in Devil’s Lake, but we’ve never used protection.”
“I know,” I agreed. “I thought of that too. If you’re worried about pregnancy, we’re good. I’m on birth control.”
He grinned. “That’s good because I don’t think either of us are ready for any more surprises.”
I shared his grin but then shifted so I could see over his shoulder when my doorbell rang. “Who the hell is here now?” My eyes flicked back to his. “You don’t think Brody was waiting outside all this time, do you?”
“No way,” Ethan snorted. “He wasn’t giving me an escape if I chickened out.”
I laughed and pushed up, straightening my dress, and watched Ethan stand to straighten his clothes. Walking toward the door, I grabbed the handle and peered through the peephole before yanking it open.
Striker’s eyes met mine before flicking over my shoulder. As soon as he saw Ethan, he smirked, which I found annoying, and met my stare again. “Heard some banging. Wanted to make sure you’re good.”
My eyes widened slightly, and when I looked back at Ethan, he started laughing. “Stop laughing.”
Striker snorted, and I faced him again. “You heard banging in your apartment?”
“With the door closed and the TV on.” Striker shook his head. “You ain’t quiet, Mila.”
My jaw dropped, but when Striker started to laugh, I just shook my head. “Get the hell out of my house, Striker.”
Still laughing, he started backward, but then he gestured back and forth between us. “Happy for you.”
I closed the door and turned to see Ethan was now standing beside me. “Did you hear that? Striker is happy for us.”
“I heard.” Ethan smiled.
“I thought Striker would give us the hardest time about this,” I admitted.
He ran his fingers along the edges of my hair. “He’s changed a lot since you met him.”
Reaching down, I grabbed his hand, pulling him to the bedroom. “Where are we going?”
“Bedroom,” I explained. “Where I can shut the door. Maybe turn on some music. Hopefully drown out what we’re about to do.”
He dropped my hand and wrapped his arms around my waist from behind. I hummed, feeling lighter than I had in a long time when he pressed his chest tight against my back and kissed my neck. “That feels like a challenge to make you even louder.”
I glanced back at him over my shoulder. “Maybe it is.”
I squealed when he lifted me off the ground just as we walked into my bedroom, and he kicked the door closed with his foot.