Chapter 39
Alana
Edgar Allen Poe once said, ‘I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.’
Had I gone mad? It was possible. Maybe I was living in a land of delusions. But which was the delusion- loving Jayce or leaving him? I couldn’t very well do the second one. He’d find me; that much I was sure of. He was dangerous, yes, but in a way that was worse than your run-of-the-mill criminal. Jayce was smart and clever. He was methodical and no matter what situation he was put in, I suspected that he could find a way out.
Things were fine, objectively. He didn’t let me stay at my own place anymore, which was okay, I guess. I wanted to be near him most of the time. Then, I’d overthink it the way I was now. Usually, it happened when I was away from him. There weren’t many instances where that happened except when I was working.
What did I want? I couldn’t fucking figure it out and every time I thought I did, something swayed me. It was scary to think that it could be like this forever- the mistrust, the uncertainty, and the fear that he could actually hurt me. I didn’t really believe he would. He’d been in love with me for twelve years, so why would he do that now?
Obsession, though… It was a terrifying thing. The more I looked into it, the more concerned I became. I watched his movements and body language. I analyzed the way he kissed me and fucked me. Any variation from what I was used to could be a sign that something was wrong. I’d seen You, and that motherfucker had a tendency to kill the women he professed to love.
No, that wasn’t Jayce. Not my Jayce. I loved him and there was no denying it. Thinking about spending my life with him brought a smile to my face. I imagined getting married, going on a honeymoon to Europe, and getting a cat someday.
The man had done things that were beyond questionable. They were downright terrible. Sick, even. He was right, though. I’d accepted him as Erebus in some weird, fucked up way. I loved Jayce to death and I could accept his darkness. He wasn’t dangerous to me and the only people he’d hurt had been a threat to me. It wasn’t moral, but the more I thought about it, I felt sure that we’d get through this.
It had been a week already and things were great at home. We cooked together, watched TV, went on walks, and gardened. We had a lot of sex and, goddamn, the man could fuck. I’d never experienced anything like it. No disrespect to my late fiancé. That part was still weird, but not as bad as I’d thought it would be all this time.
Yeah. We could make it work. We’d have a discussion to make sure there’d be no more future kills and I’d come to terms with the ones in the past. That was the best way to move forward.
The bell rang and students shuffled out of the classroom. With the end of the quarter coming up, they were preparing for finals, so I’d been giving them a lot of study time. Maybe part of it was because my brain was all whacky and I wasn’t confident in my teaching abilities right now.
Grabbing my bag, I did a once-over to make sure the classroom was in order. It was Friday and there was no way I’d stay late. Principle McKay could suck my lady dick if he tried to say something about it.
When I passed Mike’s door, I paused. It looked so different now. His stuff had been cleared out and a sub had been teaching his class. I was still in shock about his death. Suicide, according to authorities, but… Well, I tried not to think about that too much either. The fact was, I felt safer without him, so regardless of how he’d gone out, it was better.
As I approached my car, I pulled out my phone. One thing I’d been thinking about a lot lately was my brother. My conversation with him triggered something in me. We’d been distant from each other for so long and I didn’t want that. Even if we only saw each other on holidays or something, I wanted to have some sort of relationship. Christmas was coming up quickly. Maybe we could spend it together.
From the way he’d spoken to me on the phone, I thought he would feel the same way. There was genuine affection in his voice and it struck a chord in my heart.
It rang for a while, then went to voicemail. This was the third time I’d tried this week. Maybe I was wrong about him wanting to have a relationship. If he was ignoring my calls and texts, he obviously didn’t want to talk.
Chewing on my lip, I backed out of the space. Ben had lived in the same house for five years. I’d only been there once, but I knew exactly where it was. Even though we didn’t talk for a long time, I drove by once in a while to check if his car was still there.
The Mustang was in the driveway, so I assumed he was home. Before I’d even stepped out of my car, my phone rang. With a frown, I answered it.
“Jayce, what’s up?”
“Where are you?”
“I just left work. Why?”
He was silent for a long moment. I got out of the car and headed up to the house.
“I need you to come home,” he said finally.
“I’m just checking on something really quick. Don’t get weird on me.”
“Come on, baby.” His voice had turned husky and seductive. It made me bite my lip, but it could wait a few extra minutes.
“Don’t worry. I’ll be home soon.”
I ended the call and stopped on the porch. With a deep breath, I knocked. There was nothing to indicate that someone was going to open it- no shuffling or talking. I knocked again, then tried to peer in the front window. I could only see through the tiny gap between the drapes. It was dark, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t home.
Looking around, I tried to find something that might have a spare key in it. I didn’t see any fake rocks or anything. After checking under the rug, I sighed. If he wasn’t going to answer my calls or the door, there wasn’t much I could do about it aside from break in. My first thought was that Jayce could do it for me since he was all about being sneaky, but it wasn’t like he’d needed to pick the lock at my place. He had a code.
There was nothing else to do right now, so I headed back to my SUV. I shot Jayce a text to tell him I was on my way and glanced at the Mustang again. As I was pulling away from the curb, I had a random thought. I stopped in front of the mailbox and leaned over to open it. Immediately, a few envelopes fell out. I opened the door to grab them, clamping my lip between my teeth.
Why was his mailbox this full? Unless he regularly received an ungodly amount of junk mail, this had been building up. Worry gnawed at my gut. My brother was into some shady shit. I knew that, but I didn’t think it was all that dangerous. Then again, I wouldn’t know, would I? I didn’t check in or ask about his business.
Something could have happened to him. I thought about going to the police but decided I’d check again tomorrow. If he wasn’t here, I’d file a report. It could be problematic to involve the police if he ended up being okay. He’d be pissed if I put his business at risk by bringing in cops. This was my brother, though. Close or not, we’d once relied on each other in order to stay safe. I cared about his wellbeing and I knew that if the roles were reversed, he’d use all of his shady resources to find me.
*****
“ This is Ben and Bean. If you’re a client, give me your name- just your name- and hang up. I’ll get back to you. If we slept together and I said I’d call you, it was a lie. Trust me, you dodged a bullet. If it’s anyone else, I don’t want to talk to you. ”
I hated Ben’s voicemail. It got worse every time I heard it. I was so worried that I hadn’t eaten dinner last night and didn’t have an appetite today. Alongside worry was fear and possibly the need for a good cry. He was my only family aside from my parents, who didn’t count as far as I was concerned.
Guilt began to trickle in as I thought about the missed moments, the Christmases we might have experienced together, and the time we should’ve spent healing after our parents were arrested. Instead, I moved in with Jake’s parents. Ben was two years older than me and had a shared apartment near his university at the time, but I should’ve thought more about how he felt. I’d been selfish, drowning myself in my boyfriend to make myself feel better. I got through it, but what did Ben go through? That was something I’d never asked and currently, it was one of my greatest regrets.
Arms came around me from behind, looping over my shoulders. Jayce pressed a kiss beneath my ear, then inhaled deeply.
“You’ve been nursing that tea for an hour,” he noted.
I looked at the mug. Last time I checked, it was steaming. I confirmed that it was cold before I pushed it away.
“What’s going on?” he asked, sitting in the stool beside me. “Are you still worried about Ben?”
“Yeah. He isn’t answering the phone. I need to go back over there.”
“If he doesn’t want to be bothered, he won’t answer. You know how he is. He keeps himself busy.”
“No, I don’t really know. Not anymore. Maybe he just doesn’t want to talk to me.”
Jayce rubbed my back soothingly. “Will it make you feel better if we go knock on his door again?”
“If he answers, yeah. If not, I’m gonna file a missing persons report.”
His hand stopped moving. I glanced over at him, but his face didn’t betray that anything was wrong. He just looked deep in thought. I tapped his nose with my index finger and he smiled.
“You should stop worrying so much, baby. I’m sure Ben is fine.”
I wanted to argue, but I didn’t really know what to say. Jayce’s phone buzzed and he set it on the counter as he checked his texts. When he chuckled, I looked at the screen.
“Alicia?” I confirmed.
He nodded. “She’s hounding me about having a sleepover here. Apparently, she wants to do both of our nails.”
I snorted a laugh. “You’ll look so pretty in pink.”
“Damn right I will. I’ll wear a pink suit to our wedding.”
“You’ll do no such thing, Jayce Weste. I’ll leave you at that altar.”
“First of all, we’re not getting married in a church. I say… a vineyard.”
“Speaking of wine,” I drawled. “Do you have any more of those special bottles?”
“Yeah, I have two in the basement. I’m keeping one, though, either to see how it ages or as a monument to what it represents.”
“And what is that?”
There was a small smile on his lips as he stroked the back of my hand. “Maybe, in a sense, it’s what brought us to this moment.”
“Wine brought us together?” I laughed.
“Yeah. It’s some weird fate shit. Don’t ask me how it works.”
He got to his feet and I gave him a quizzical look. “Are you going somewhere?”
“Yeah, I’m gonna go to Ben’s place. I know some of his friends too, so I’ll check in with them.”
“I want to come.”
He shook his head. “I don’t want you involved at all. Some of the things he deals in… I just think it’s better if there’s no way for you to be implicated if he ever fucks up. It’s best if you don’t show up at his house.”
Maybe he was right. I didn’t know what went on there and I couldn’t be around his illegal dealings. Jayce would find him, hopefully. If not, I would be filing that police report, but that was all I’d do.
Still, there was this churning in my gut that made me think something was off. Really off.
Jayce leaned down to kiss me, then headed out the door. I sat there for a while, tapping my fingers on the counter. I was tempted to call Ben again, but it was pointless right now.
There was one thing I needed. That damn wine. It was in the basement, though, and I fucking hated those. How important was it? My nerves said it was of the utmost importance.
With a deep breath, I got up and headed for the basement door. It was the first one in the hallway and I’d opened it before, but only to check out the wooden stairs and further convince myself there was nothing good in a basement. I was an adult and this wasn’t a horror film. I’d been down there before, so I knew it was nice, albeit a little serial killer-esque.
With my hand on the knob, I counted to ten. Feeling far from ready, I twisted it while I sent up a prayer that there were no demons waiting for me in the abyss.