Chapter 43
Alana
It was weird timing; I knew that. When I woke him up, I’d intended to ask him about it because I couldn’t force myself to sleep. As usual, though, I got lost in him. All I’d wanted to do after we finished having sex was lie on his chest, but this had to be done. It was the last thing standing in our way, the final bridge that needed to be burned. If there were no bridges, nothing bad could ever reach us again, right?
After flipping on the light, I stared into the abyss. It wasn’t really as bad as I’d thought it would be. The stairs weren’t rickety; they were sturdy wood with a nice, shiny finish. I’d been down here before, back when I didn’t know it was Jayce’s house, so maybe that made it less disturbing when I’d ventured down the other day.
With a deep breath, I took the first step. He grabbed my hand, pulling me to a stop.
“Hey, let’s go back to bed. Whatever this is, we can do it tomorrow.”
“No, I need to do it now.”
Moving to the step below me, he cupped my face. “What’s going on?”
It was hard to look at him right now. For some reason, it felt like I’d done something wrong. Going down here might have been an invasion of privacy. I hadn’t thought he would be mad, but that was before I knew that he had two dead bodies in creepy, futuristic vessels.
“I’ll explain in a minute,” I said.
I could tell that he was nervous, but he nodded. He’d gotten rid of the bodies somehow, which made me wonder if he’d tell the truth. If he tried to gaslight me, it might tip things in the opposite direction.
He took my hand and descended the stairs with me. I immediately veered toward the fake wall, which made him tense. When I glanced at him, it looked like he was in pain. I took a breath and pushed through into the room.
Like I’d seen yesterday while he was gone, there were only two empty vessels. They were clean, as if nothing horrible had ever happened. As if they hadn’t held decomposing bodies or spoke of the extreme lengths Jayce was willing to go to for me. Ever since I came here the first time, there’d been a war in my head. I loved him for it, but I also hated him for it.
“What are these?” I whispered.
He tugged me with him, then leaned against the wall. I let him pull me against his chest. It actually helped not to look at him right now. Maybe he felt the same way.
Did he feel shame when he thought about what he’d done? Was he cold and unfeeling when it came to anyone but me?
I knew he loved his family, and the way he’d become attached to Alicia was beautiful, even though I wasn’t completely comfortable with that whole situation yet. He cared about things, but where did that end?
“They’re for compost,” he replied in a monotone.
“What kind?”
With a sigh, he tightened his arms around me. “Alana…”
“I saw them.” My ear was pressed against his chest and I could hear his heart speed up. The fact that he was afraid meant he felt something, at least. “When you went to check on Ben, I came down here for wine. And… I saw him.”
My eyes burned at the memory. He stroked my back as tears rolled down my cheeks. Was it wrong that I was taking comfort from the person who had caused my pain?
“Why?” I asked.
“They weren’t good for you.”
“How do you get to decide that?”
He pushed me back and gripped my shoulders. His expression was devoid of emotion except for the intensity in his blue eyes.
“Because nobody cares about you the way I do. Nobody . Every instinct inside of me forces me to protect you, so if someone is a threat, I… Alana, I have to keep you safe.”
“I understand Preston,” I admitted. “To a degree. He was just an asshole but if I think about it enough, I can see why you’d want to do that.”
He looked slightly relieved. When I looked over at the vessels, I began to tremble. His hands moved to the sides of my neck, gripping me tightly.
“Alana, baby. Your brother was mixed up in a lot of shit. He knew things about me that made him dangerous.”
“What’d he know?” When it was clear he didn’t want to tell me, I pulled away from him. “What’d he know, Jayce?”
“It doesn’t matter,” he replied dismissively.
“It matters. You want to get past this? You want to enjoy the spoils of all the fucked up shit you did? Everything has to be on the table. Every truth.”
“And what happens if you don’t like the truth?”
I shrugged. “Maybe I’ll call the cops.”
The smile that twisted his lips was menacing. It didn’t necessarily make me afraid, but it made me very aware of who he was; of what he’d done and was likely to do again if he felt the need.
“You’d turn me in, baby?”
“Maybe,” I mumbled. “Do you deserve it?”
“Oh, I most definitely do. But that’s only if you want to cling to some bullshit rules of morality that society enacted. Am I going to kill someone who doesn’t deserve it? No. What’s wrong with protecting the person you love, though?”
“You said all threats need to be eliminated,” I reminded him. “What if you’re a threat to me?”
He laughed. “I’d never hurt you.”
“You have hurt me! I could get past the physical things, the stalking, all of it, but you took things from me. You took my brother.”
“All I did was make you face what you really want. When’s the last time you thought about Jake, Alana?”
“Jake? I don’t… Over the weekend, I guess.”
He sucked in a slow breath. His jaw ticked a few times, then he shook his head.
“Do you still see him when you look at me?”
My lips parted, but I didn’t know what to say. Honestly, I wasn’t sure. If I thought about it, the last time I remembered that happening was when he’d kissed me in my classroom. Slowly, that memory, the association with his brother, had been crumbling.
“That’s what I thought,” he said when I remained silent. “I told you I was your savior.”
“And my undoing.”
“They go hand-in-hand. Are you strong enough to become what I’ve made you or are you gonna pull this stupid shit?”
“I don’t know. I should be mad at you, but…”
“You’re gonna have to make a decision here.” He held his phone out to me. “Call them if you need to. You know what, I have a better idea.”
He pushed off the wall and strode toward a cabinet in the corner. I watched him warily, wrapping my arms around myself. When he turned around, I stepped back.
“If you want to be free of me, you’ll have to kill me.”
I stared in horror at the gun in his hand. Shaking my head, I took another step away from him. He strode forward and latched onto my throat, then thrust me against the wall. I screamed instinctively but was silenced by his lips on mine. He pushed the weapon into my hand, curling my fingers around it before he stepped back. When he threw his arms wide, making himself a willing target, I swallowed hard.
“No.” I shook my head and tried to pass the gun back. “No, I’m not going to hurt you. The point was to understand. I get it. We can move on now.”
“I killed Jake.”
My back hit the wall as my ears began to ring. “No, no, no.”
I should’ve known. As soon as I learned who Jayce really was, I should’ve put it together. Maybe I hadn’t wanted to. He’d freed me from the guilt and fear of being with Jake’s twin brother, but knowing how it had happened…
“And Mike,” he continued. “He wasn’t only a danger to you. Alicia should be with her family and, well, he tried to use you. He deserved to die.”
I couldn’t really argue with that one. It didn’t even surprise me.
“And Jake…”
Jayce shrugged. “Jake was a threat, Alana. He was hurting you.”
“No, he was in your way,” I said, strength coming into my voice again. “You were dying for a way to get rid of him.”
“If that was the case, I would’ve done it without waiting for a reason. I gave him the chance to be honest with you and he failed. He didn’t deserve you.”
“Why does our obsession mean he didn’t get to live? You’re selfish.”
“And so what if I’m selfish?” he shouted. “That’s never going to change. I will always put you above everything.”
“I know,” I whispered. “That’s why you’re a threat.”
“Alana…”
Raising the gun, I tried to ignore the way it shook in my hand. He glanced at it only briefly before he met my eyes again.
“You want to kill me?” he asked, stepping forward.
I moved my finger to the trigger and raised my chin. He smiled and continued until it was pressed against his chest.
“If I’m going to die, it’ll be at your hands, baby. Let’s do it. Do you think you can?” When I didn’t respond, his head cocked. “I know you’re strong enough. I hurt you, remember? I’ve stalked you since freshman year. I broke into your house all the time, scared you, drugged you, bound you, raped you if we want to be technical. Why haven’t you done it already? Come on, Alana. Come on!”
I screamed, but my finger wouldn’t move. Suddenly, his eyes moved over my shoulder and widened. When I whirled around, he grabbed onto my biceps from behind, but I’d already pulled the trigger. It just clicked.
“Oh my god,” I gasped. “Oh my god. Oh my god.”
“Alana, give me the gun.”
I shook my head. He came around to my front and tried to take it, but I held it to my chest.
“I could have hurt her,” I cried.
“No. It’s not loaded, but you need to give me the gun now. Come on, baby. Everything’s going to be fine.”
That was a lie. Everything was a mess. I shot at a child, at Alicia. I didn’t know she was here. Did he tell me? I didn’t think he had, but then I thought about the Disney songs I’d heard coming from the living room earlier. Why hadn’t I thought of that?
Putting a hand to my forehead, I backed up. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t think .
The fear in Jayce’s eyes was new as he watched me. It made everything snap into focus. I didn’t want to kill. Of course I didn’t. I was mad at him; more than mad. It didn’t change how I felt about him, though. We just had to navigate this.
“I need a minute,” I said.
“The gun, Alana.”
Still, I couldn’t move. I needed a minute.