Chapter 11
Sleep was not going to come to Sebastian tonight, not easily, at any rate.
His mind was muddled, his thoughts fixed firmly on earlier today when his dear friend, Lord Giles Ashford, had visited him. Some of it was about how Helena had behaved herself, and how he had behaved in return.
Happy with how the day progressed, Sebastian could not help but feel a sense of hope because this marriage, which had seemed so fraught with danger and so hopeful to a point of absurdity, finally seemed to have found its footing.
It is turning out even better than I hoped. Such that for the first time since we wed, I am starting to believe that its true purpose might bear fruit. As unbelievable as that once sounded.
As to what that purpose was? That was why Sebastian could not sleep.
Growing restless in his bed, he threw back the covers and started to pace his room. Still unable to find peace, he left his room and wandered through the dark halls. His mind churned, energy flooding him, and he needed to work it off so he might finally rest.
As he walked, he thought back to what Giles had asked him, concerning his goal and the reason he was putting himself through this in the first place.
It was easy to tell himself that he married Helena because he saw in her a quick fix to his dastardly image. He was known among his peers as a schemer and a plotter, a shrewd politician, but the type not to be trusted because there was always a bigger motive at play.
Mostly, that was true, and Sebastian was happy to play into that image of himself. However, when the time finally came for him to want something beyond mere political tricks and favor-making, he found that few trusted him, and all naturally assumed his word to be worth less than nothing.
Thus, a quick marriage was what he sought. When he had stumbled upon Helena in the library, a plan was seized upon, as he was always good at thinking on his feet.
Marriage to Helena was a surefire way to rehabilitate his image and remind the ton that he was more than a sharp tongue and political schemer. That he was worth investing in and being taken seriously.
All I need is more time. A few more weeks, the subterfuge taking hold, and I will finally be able to get what I want. I just need to keep the lie going.
Which he would do, of that he had no doubt. The only impediment to his plans was the bride herself, a problem now solved and sorted.
In fact, Sebastian could not help but smile when he thought about his wife. A woman he had initially seen as a tool, now viewed in an entirely different light.
She was smarter than he had thought. She was more fiery and independent, a force of nature, and as stubborn as she was determined.
Were circumstances a little different…
Sebatian shook his head, refusing to go down that path. There were good reasons why he had never wanted to marry, and they weren’t about to change.
What he needed to focus on was his plan and where this would all lead, reminding himself that Helena had a purpose and that purpose would end once he got what he desired.
And surely, she would be glad when this was over. That, as much as anything, was what Sebastian reminded himself of. They were using one another, and despite the companionship growing between them, that would not change.
For all I know, she hates me. But as clever as she is, as determined, she can hide her hatred and focus on what is needed. Let us hope that is the case.
It was because Sebastian was so in his head that he did not realize where his feet were taking him as he stalked the dark halls. And it was because of this that when he came upon Helena’s open bedroom door, he stopped short in surprise.
Inside, he saw the orange glow of a fire burning. He listened, thinking he would hear her awake, doing…
He could not even guess.
But the silence within was loud, the room seemed empty, and despite his desire to keep Helena out of his mind, he found himself creeping closer to the open door.
A smile curved his lips when he spotted her.
She was sitting at her desk, her head resting on the surface, her eyes closed, snoring softly. Beneath her head looked to be pieces of parchment, and there was a used quill on the floor by her feet.
She had fallen asleep while working. Sebastian watched her for a moment, very nearly leaving her be. But memories of today sat firm in his head, and he found that despite how dangerous it was, how stupid too, he wanted to speak to her again.
Just to wake her up and see her to bed, that’s all. Nothing wrong with that.
He crept into her room. He stood by her chair. He peered over her shoulder, trying to see what she was working on, but her arms and head blocked the words.
A smile touched his lips, marveling at her beauty because, despite everything, she was certainly that.
And then, ever so gently, he reached out and shook her awake.
“Huh…” she shuddered and hunched her shoulders, her eyes still closed.
“Helena,” he said softly, giving her another small shake.
“Hhmmm…” Slowly, she started, yawning with her eyes closed, her body turning stiff and then relaxing as she began to wake. “What… where…”
He laughed. “I did not want to wake you, but I thought your bed would be more comfortable.”
“My bed…”
She stirred, her head still on the desk, taking time to figure out what was going on. Then, all of a sudden, she came to herself. Her eyes shot open, and she sat up, almost falling off her chair.
“Oh!”
“Easy there.” Sebastian half moved to stop her from falling.
“What happened?” She looked around with confusion. “Where… where am I?”
“Nowhere exciting,” Sebastian murmured. “But you fell asleep at your desk. And while I was going to leave you here…” He laughed again. “I would hate to think how much pain you would be in tomorrow because of it.”
She blinked quickly, looked up to find him watching her, and then shrank back with embarrassment. “I… I must have drifted off.”
“Clearly.”
“What are you doing here?” It was as if she were trying to sound accusatory but couldn’t find the strength.
“Nothing sinister, I promise. I was just walking by and saw the fire still burning. And you left your door open.”
“Ah…”
“I was curious too,” he admitted, letting his smile show, as well as flashing his eyes in mockery because he sensed that she needed the awkwardness broken. “What is it that keeps my dear wife working so hard, and so late at night? Although I suppose it was more sleeping than working.”
“I was…” She struggled to stay focused.
“A new novel?” He peered past her to the papers strewn across the desk.
“Oh!” She threw herself across them, covering them with her body. “It is nothing.”
“Quite the reaction for nothing.”
“It’s private,” she tried again. She narrowed her eyes warningly at him as she continued to cover her work. “And I thought you said that I was free to write as I wished.”
He held out his hands as if in surrender. “I was only asking.”
“And I am telling,” she said rather sharply.
Sebastian could not help but chuckle at her abrasiveness. He knew little about his wife; that was true. But one thing he did know was how passionate she was about her work, how determined she was to make it the center of her life. And while some men might scorn such pastime, he admired it.
“I should not have asked,” he relented. “But if you ever need another set of eyes…” A casual shrug. “I do not judge.”
She scoffed. “Yes, you do.”
“Oh, only sometimes.”
She kept her eyes narrowed on him, and he kept his expression light. That made her suspicion melt, and she relaxed considerably.
“I am sorry,” she offered. “I… I am just rather private when it comes to my writing.”
“It’s fine,” he assured her. “And I did not mean to pry.”
She studied him closely. Eyes still narrowed, it was clear that she had yet to fully trust him. Which was fair, as he had done little to earn it.
And while he told himself he did not care one way or the other if she did come to trust him, he knew deep down in the pit of his soul that was a lie. As to why it was… he did not want to consider it.
“Bedtime, then?” he asked. “Surely you are not going back to work.”
She exhaled and shook her head before rubbing her eyes. “No, not tonight. Best that I get some rest…” She yawned and stretched her limbs, then pushed back her chair to stand.
That was when her legs gave way.
“Oh!” she cried as she tumbled, the chair falling out from under her, arms flailing wildly.
Sebastian acted without thinking. He lunged forward, one arm going under her, the other pulling her to his body. She was so much smaller than he, so light, that it was easy to lift her in the air and then hold her close so she would not fall.
And when he had her, their bodies pressed tight, he froze.
His arms were wrapped around his wife. Her arms, too, had found his neck. She looked up at him, her eyes wide, her mouth half open, unable to move because the shock of the moment had stunned her into submission.
He could feel her heart pounding in her chest. Or maybe that was his own heart? Behind her, the fire crackled, the flames shivered, and the silence grew between them as neither seemed willing to pull away.
Sebastian had not considered his attraction to his wife.
It had not seemed relevant. It was enough that they got along, that they could be in the same room without bickering.
But now, with her in his arms, feeling her soft body as it shuddered, her breathing heavy, her eyes gazing into his own, he found it difficult to escape the sensation that…
that… that she was quite possibly the most beautiful creature he had ever seen.
“Oh!” Helena yelped, pushing herself out of his arms. She stumbled back, nearly falling again.
“Sorry,” he blurted. “I did not mean—”
“It is fine.”
“You were falling.”
“I know.”
“I was just…” He grimaced. “Doing my husbandly duty.”
She scoffed and looked away, but he noticed how her cheeks flushed pink.
“And with no one to see,” she said softly. “What a waste.”
He laughed to break the tension. “Do not worry, I will make sure to tell everyone I meet what I did.”
She laughed too, still not looking at him. But her laughter soon died down, and the silence returned, even more tense than it had been.
Sebastian stared at his wife, but she refused to return it. And between them, he felt an undeniable energy growing, seeming to pull at them.
“Good night,” he said, breaking the silence, shattering that energy. “Sleep well.”
He turned and strode to the door.
“Sebastian…” Her call was soft.
He reached the door and turned back, and for the first time, she was looking at him.
“Thank you,” she muttered.
He smiled in response, not trusting himself to speak. And once she accepted that smile, he put his head down and left.
Sebastian walked quickly back to his room, his mind whirring as he puzzled out what had just happened. He did not want to consider it. He did not want to even think about it! The dangers of such a thing…
No. Best to pretend it did not happen and move on.
Regardless of that decision, Sebastian knew one thing to be true. He would not get so much as a wink of sleep tonight. Of that, he had no doubt.