Chapter 22
The coincidence was too great to ignore. Fate… or something close to it. But perhaps Sebastian was just looking for an excuse, a reason to ignore his conscience and listen to what he felt deep inside his soul. Feelings he was trying so hard to ignore, but that refused to leave him.
And the fact that I am so eager to do away with good sense and reason should tell me exactly how I truly feel and what I need to do about it. It is time I stop behaving like a darn coward.
It was Helena.
Sebastian had just arrived home from visiting Giles.
He was still feeling a little drunk from the whiskey he had guzzled.
He was still feeling confused after the conversation he had with his closest friend.
And he was still determined to do as he promised himself all those weeks ago and treat this marriage as one of pure convenience, resolute to end it as soon as possible.
However, as he steered his mount down the road, the gate to his estate slowly approaching, he looked beyond and down the drive, where he saw a carriage just now coming to a stop.
It was late in the evening, a moonless night, so it was harder to see than he would have liked, but there was no doubt who it was that climbed out of the carriage, as if fate itself demanded that Sebastian stop being such a fool for a damn change. That he do what was right.
Even in the darkness, Helena seemed to glow. He watched as she stepped onto the drive, her movements slow and tired, her eyes cast down in a way that made her look saddened.
But Sebastian smiled to see her. He felt a fire spark inside him. And as if a veil was being lifted, that very light shone through the darkness, and the answers became suddenly clear.
It is time that I stop lying to myself. That I question why I am so determined to ignore reality. What good will come of it? What am I scared of?
Rejection, he supposed. The slight possibility that, despite what he was starting to feel, Helena might not be of the same mind. She was hard to read. Her moods fluctuated randomly, so it was impossible to know how she felt. And yet…
He pictured the smile she wore when she looked at him. The laughter they shared lately. How comfortable they had become in one another’s company.
Maybe it wasn’t so confusing, after all? Maybe it was the most obvious thing in the world, and it was time that Sebastian admitted it to himself? And to Helena, for that matter.
“Well, this is a nice surprise,” he called as he turned onto the drive, sitting tall in the saddle, a wide smile on his face as he waited for Helena to turn and see him.
She paused and stiffened, hesitating as she looked ahead, and he worried for a moment that something was wrong.
“Expecting someone else, were you?” She turned around, but she did not smile. Even if Sebastian chose to see one in her eyes.
He laughed. “This time, you are just the person I wanted to see.”
She said nothing in return. Nor did she smile or laugh.
On account of the darkness, it was hard to make out her expression, hard to see if she was delighted by the sight of him.
And while Sebastian sensed that something was off, he figured that he was likely imagining things.
His conscience fighting against him one last time.
“How were your parents?” he asked as he pulled up his horse beside the carriage, swinging his leg over the side next and jumping down. “And your sister?”
“They were lovely, thank you.” She did not go to him, but he did not expect her to.
“I thought you would stay the night,” he said, walking toward her. “It is quite a way to travel this late in the evening.”
She shrugged. “I thought to, but…” It was subtle, but he could have sworn that he saw her grimace. “I was not in the mood. My bed is its own sort of temptation.”
“I know exactly what you mean.”
Sebastian came to a stop only a few feet away from her. Her posture was withdrawn, hands fidgeting before her, shoulders hunched, half-turned so she was not looking directly at him.
Perhaps she is just tired? Or perhaps this is another one of her tests? Like me, Helena undoubtedly has no idea what she wants. All she needs is a push.
“And yourself?” she asked. “Coming from the orphanage?”
“Not today,” he said, smiling. “I paid Lord Ashford a visit. And had a few drinks while I was at it.”
Finally, she chuckled, even if it was a pitiful thing. “That explains the swagger.”
“What swagger?” He leaned back as if surprised. “This is my natural gait.” Then, he puffed out his chest. “Confident and self-assured, just how you like it.”
“Arrogant and cocksure, you mean…” Another soft chuckle, a shake of the head, and she relaxed slightly.
“I can only change so much,” he finished with a wink that was as arrogant as he could make it.
Her smile was hesitant, and still she was half-turned away. Their banter was there, as it always was, but it was stilted and awkward. Held back by an invisible force, careful not to be overly familiar. And despite not wanting to see it, Sebastian could tell that it was all on Helena’s side.
Something was wrong.
“Do you have plans tomorrow?” he asked, to which Helena immediately grimaced and turned stiff. “Not that I am trying to pry.” He made sure to smile. “I know how much you hate that.”
“I…” She was looking away, her voice soft. “I do not hate it as you might think.”
“Good,” he said. “Because I will be visiting the orphanage again, and I thought you might like to come with me. I know the children will like it.” He looked at her for an answer, but she gave him nothing. “Daniel, especially. He really has taken a liking to you.”
She smiled, but it was not warm. “I know he has.”
“So?” he pressed, taking a step closer because he could feel the distance between them. “Would you like to join me?”
“Sebastian…”
Finally, she looked at him, and the moment she did, he knew something was wrong. Something beyond her usual cantankerous attitude. Something beyond the way she teased and tested him. Something beyond a mere desire to deny him because she thought that she should.
“I do not think that is such a good idea.”
He blinked. “You… you don’t?”
She shook her head. “I am busy tomorrow. It is best that you go alone.”
“What of the next day?” he asked.
“Still busy.”
“And the next?”
“I do not think I will be joining you for a while. It is for the best, I think.” She offered an apologetic smile and then turned to walk away.
And he very nearly let her go. Whatever was going on, it was clear that she wanted nothing to do with him. That she was doing everything in her power to turn him down.
But the drink was still flowing through Sebastian’s veins.
His stubbornness refused to let him see reason and drop it.
And that simmering desire that was a fire burning within him grew hotter, so it consumed his conscience and did away with his good sense.
For the first time ever, he was not only willing to acknowledge the changes that were happening to him, but to accept them.
“Wait.” He hurried after her, grabbing her by the arm. “Helena, what is wrong? What happened?”
She did not turn around but snapped her head back and looked at the hand on her arm. “Please, Sebastian, let me go.”
“Not until you tell me what is wrong.”
She was looking at his hand, her chin wobbling, her body trembling. But then her expression hardened, a fire burning behind her eyes, and she clenched her jaw and glared at him.
“Is that how it is? I tell you that I do not wish to do something, so you start making demands?”
“Helena, that is not at all—”
“I do not want to go with you,” she said sharply. “And I should not have to explain myself. Not to you. Not to anyone.” Eyes wide, she dared him to argue with her. “Now, let me go.”
He very nearly ignored her demand. This was not the Helena he knew. This was not their relationship as he understood it. Sure, they argued sometimes. And yes, there was the constant push and pull that had come to define them. But this…
She knows I would never make demands of her or tell her what to do. And she must know that I am not doing it now.
Something had changed with his wife. And Sebastian… he had to find out what it was. He needed to know.
“Not until you tell me what is wrong,” he insisted, refusing to let her go.
“And why must something be wrong?” she scoffed.
“Why can it not be just that I do not want to spend time with you? Did you think of that? It is not so complex, Sebastian. It is not some great question. I wish to be left alone, I have asked to be left alone, and I would like it if, for once, you did as I asked. Leave me be!”
He winced as if she had slapped him.
Slowly, feeling her pull her arm, he let her go.
She yanked it back, glaring at him still, only for her expression to soften with regret. Her words stung; that was true. But it was the look on her face that hurt the most.
Despite her reprimand, Sebastian could see so clearly that something was going on inside his wife’s head. A fight was raging, warring with her conscience, and she was losing.
“Helena…” he spoke softly and took a step toward her.
“You know I would never… If you wish to be left alone, I will do just that. But you should know, this evening I have been doing some thinking. About us.” He made sure to look right at her, his expression as earnest and open as he could make it.
“And I have realized that this marriage, despite what we might have wanted… You said it yourself, things change. I have changed. And I know you have too.”
“You do not know me,” she whispered, still holding her arm to her body, back to looking away. “You do not know anything.”
“I know…” He hesitated, not sure if he should say it. “I know that I cannot stop thinking about you. Your face, the smile that shines from it. Those lips…” His eyes flicked to her lips. “That laugh. This is not what I expected, and I know it is not what you expected either. But…”
Another step toward her, two feet away. He reached for her, praying she would take his hand.
“But is that such a bad thing? Why fight what I think we both are starting to feel?”
She eyed his hand. She bit her lip, her face contorted with pain and sadness and confusion.
Brow furrowed, she half made to take it, the battle slowing, the desire growing.
And Sebastian held his breath, certain that she was finally going to drop the wall she had erected around herself and admit the truth.
“What you think you feel…” She looked away and turned from him. “It is a game to you, Sebastian. That is all it has ever been.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Lies and tricks so that we do not know the truth from deception. Nothing has changed, my feelings especially.” He heard her wince but could not see her face. “This marriage was only meant to be for convenience, and that is all it will ever be.”
“You do not believe that.”
“That’s just it. You do not know me nearly well enough to say that. I am sorry, Sebastian, but I… I need to be left alone.”
With that, she strode away, up the stairs and into the manor, not once looking back at him.
Sebastian stayed where he was, his hand outstretched, confusion crashing down on him like waves on the beach.
He wished he could have said that he was surprised by what had happened, that he had not expected it. But as he stood there, thinking of his wife and what he knew about her, he realized that perhaps he was the fool in this.
She had only ever promised him one thing, and tonight she delivered on it fully. And Sebastian, daring to take a chance like he never had before, was left to pick up the pieces of his shattered reality.
This is why I never wanted to marry. This is why I have always known it was a fool’s errand. Love is not real. Happiness is a lie. Marriage has but one purpose, and it has nothing to do with love.