Chapter 23
Helena spent the following two days avoiding Sebastian.
There was a time, once, when such a thing had been easy to do. She had not even needed to try, because Sebastian had been the one avoiding her.
Strange to think how angry that once made her. Stranger to think that she was feeling desperate now for those early days, because at least then she had known how he felt about her. And how she felt about him.
She meant to spend this time writing. Once, that was all she wanted to do, and hours would pass like minutes, so it was not until darkness came and she could no longer see the words in front of her eyes that she knew it was time to stop.
Now, those hours felt like days stretched to a breaking point, and although she sat at her desk with her quill in hand for two days straight, not so much as a single word was written.
More than once, she heard footsteps down the hallway. And every time she did, she would pause, look at her closed door, hold her breath, and wonder if Sebastian was going to come to her. Telling herself she did not want him to, knowing that to be a lie.
I should just go to him and explain. Sit him down, tell him of what I decided, how I came to that decision, and why it is best that we both accept it.
But she was scared. Terrified that if she tried, the words would not come.
The explanation, although making perfect sense, felt weak and frail like paper dipped in water.
And she feared that if she looked into Sebastian’s eyes, seeing in them memories of who he was and how she felt about him, she would break, and the resolve she held so strongly would be a pitiful thing.
Hiding away was the only course of action.
The obvious downside of this was that it gave her time to think. Too much time, to be honest. And try as she might, she could not forget the last time she and Sebastian spoke. When he had confessed to her, her response, as cold as it was, and how much it broke him.
Did I make a mistake? Should I not have been so stubborn? Had he said those words to me earlier on the very same day, I might have given in and accepted the truth of them. Not just his words, but how they made me feel. Dammit, I had wanted to hear those very words!
It was just as these thoughts battered and bruised Helena’s conscience that she would force her thoughts back to her mother and her sister.
She would remind herself of what she had seen and what it represented.
She would look at her novel, she would remember her dreams and all she had ever wanted in this world, and she would hold onto those thoughts with dear life.
Marriage was a trap. She would not become its victim. This marriage was one of convenience only, and that was how it would stay.
That Sebastian did not come to her for those two days told her that he was starting to realize this. For the best, she decided. The only possible outcome.
But then why did it hurt so darn much?
Helena started awake. She sat up in bed, confused and rattled because she could not say what had awakened her.
It was still dark, well past midnight by her guess, and she looked around the empty room, her heart racing as she tried to reckon with what had made her wake up so suddenly and in such a state of panic.
That was when she heard it.
Someone was knocking on the front door. The manor was steeped in silence, dead asleep, but the sound of fists hammering on the wooden doors rang through the halls like the toll of an ancient bell.
She hesitated where she sat, biting her lip, sensing the panic of whoever it was that had come calling, but not sure if she should answer.
A few more seconds of listening to those knocks shake the manor awake, and she came to a decision.
She was up and crossing her room. Snatching a robe, she threw it over her body as she wrenched the door open and started down the hall. The knocking grew louder and heavier as she went, having to feel her way through the darkness while her heartbeat matched every loud knock.
It was just as she reached the top of the stairs leading into the foyer that the knocking stopped. And she saw immediately why that was.
Sebastian was at the door, speaking in a hushed tone to whoever had come calling. His voice sounded panicked, sharp, and aggressive, but he did not shout. She stood on the landing, watching curiously as he finished with the caller and pushed the door shut behind him.
He took one step across the foyer before he saw her standing there.
“Helena…” He came to a stop. Hesitated, as if he did not recognize her. “What are you—”
“Who was that?” she asked.
“That was…” He grimaced, brow furrowed so that she could see how serious the matter was. “It does not concern you. Go back to bed.”
“Tell me.” She started down the steps. “Sebastian…” She was looking at him pleadingly. “What is wrong?”
He hesitated further, and he could hardly bring himself to look at her.
“It was a rider, sent from the orphanage,” he began, and Helena’s heart stopped. “One of the children has been taken ill. Doctors have been called, but they need me.”
“One of the children…” Somehow, she knew the answer even before she was asked. “Which child?”
“It does not—”
“Tell me!” she cried, hurrying down the steps and reaching the foyer. “Which child?”
Sebastian looked away, pain written all over his face. His shoulders slumped, his posture withdrawn, and never had she seen him so worried.
“It is Daniel,” he replied. “Worse still, they cannot promise me that he will make it through the night.”
Helena gasped and stumbled back.
Sebastian half moved to catch her, but caught himself and straightened. He steadied his gaze, careful not to let anything show.
“I will be back by the morning,” he said carefully. “I am sure that… that there is nothing to worry about.”
For two days, Helena had done what she could to forget about the orphanage.
She needed it removed from her mind because that, as much as anything, was responsible for how she was now seeing Sebastian.
Her problems had felt so monumental and important, as if the world revolved around them and nothing else mattered.
Now, she understood just how pitiful and unimportant they were.
“I am coming with you,” she declared.
“What? Helena, no. You need to—”
“I am coming,” she cut him off, fixing him with a look that brooked no argument. “Daniel needs us both, and I will not abandon him.”
Sebastian looked at her, as if searching for a lie. Or perhaps trying to figure out why she was doing this. But there was no great mystery behind it. No hidden meaning.
A child was sick, Helena had grown to care for him, and she would not sit at home if there was even a chance that her presence could help.
“If you insist.” A smile tugged at his lips. “I will have the carriage readied. We leave at once.”
He gave her a final look, the ghost of a smile still there, before putting his head down and striding away.
Helena did not think for a moment about the greater implications of this.
In her mind, they meant little. This was about Daniel only, and whatever it was that was happening between her and her husband could wait.
Such was how she had come to care for the children.
Almost as much as Sebastian, she was sure.
There was no talking on the ride to the orphanage.
It was not as awkward as it could have been.
It did not feel as if the weight of what happened only a few days ago was sitting between them, stifling and tense.
Rather, it was the weight of the situation at hand that forced the silence, both Helena and Sebastian equally as concerned for Daniel’s well-being. And nothing said would fix that.
Helena watched Sebastian as the ride went on. She took note of the way he fidgeted. The worry on his face. Daniel was but one child of dozens, not related to him, not his responsibility. But he was behaving as if his own son had fallen ill.
I had forgotten how much he cares. Or maybe I had just allowed myself to forget, because to remember would be to remind myself of who he really is… and how much I love that about him.
When they reached the orphanage, Sebastian strode in ahead of Helena. But not because he was trying to avoid her, but because he was just that worried.
She hurried after him, through the front doors and across the open floor to the very back corner, where Daniel was being kept. His eyes were closed, and his skin was grey and covered in sweat. He looked so frail and so helpless, moaning softly, writhing and wincing in his sleep.
Helena stayed back as if she was scared to get too close. And watching him suffer… her heart broke.
“I have done all I can.” There was one doctor with Daniel, and once they arrived at his bedside, he explained the situation to the two of them as best as he could.
“What does that mean?” Sebastian was shaking, angry. Not at the doctor, but at the situation. That there was nothing he could do.
“It means that time is what the child needs,” the doctor explained. “The illness that has taken him…” He looked down at the boy. “I believe the worst of it has passed.”
“What is it?” Sebastian demanded. “How did this happen?”
The doctor sighed. “It was likely something he ate. We cannot know for sure. But the worst is behind him—he is stronger than he looks. He has fought back the infection, and I have done as much as I can. As I said, time is what he needs. Time and rest.”
“How…” Sebastian’s chin was trembling. “How will I know that he is… How much time?”
“The next few hours will tell us.” The doctor rested a hand on Sebastian’s shoulder. “If he wakes soon, I would say that he is in the clear.”
“And if he doesn’t wake?”
To that, the doctor had no answer.
Sebastian fell to his knees beside the bed. He took Daniel’s hand, holding it to his chest. He was shaking, sniffing back tears.
Never had Helena seen someone so broken.
She stayed back for a moment longer.
It was a stupid thing to think, but she worried how it might look were she to comfort Sebastian as he needed. She had been at pains these past few days to distance herself from him, not wanting to give him the wrong impression. Not wanting to make things harder for herself.
But as she watched her husband silently pray and weep for the young child, she came to understand just how foolish she had been.
Why was she so eager to end their relationship? Why was she so scared to do so?
She told herself it was because she did not want to be married to a man who would trap her. That she wanted freedom, and doubted that for all his promises, Sebastian would give her that if she accepted this marriage as more than one of convenience.
Only those arguments felt small and irrelevant. They felt desperate. As she watched her husband weep for a child he hardly knew, she came to understand who he truly was and how she saw him.
He is different. Behind the false charm, behind the coy smirks and humor, he is kind and caring and gentle. He is real and honest. He is unlike any man I have ever known. And that is what matters.
Quietly, Helena walked closer to the bed. She then crouched beside Sebastian and rested a hand on his shoulder. He stiffened at her touch, slowly relaxed, then finally accepted it.
His other hand went to her arm. He looked up and met her eyes, the sadness in his own clear. There was gratitude because he needed her at this moment.
They stayed there through the night, with Helena sitting on the bed beside Daniel’s head, stroking his face. She told him stories as if he could hear them. She laughed softly as if that might rouse him. She spoke simply to pass the time and distract, because it was needed.
And Sebastian stayed on his knees, holding Daniel’s hand the whole while, refusing to look away or leave his side because doing so suggested that it might just kill him.
Helena and Sebastian said nothing to one another, but there was no need. An understanding seemed to pass between them, each knowing the significance of this moment and what it represented.
What would come of it? Helena could not say. In truth, as things stood, it did not matter.
The hours stretched. The sounds of children waking began to fill the warehouse.
Morning light streamed through the windows and shone across Daniel’s sweaty face. And finally, after so many hours and so much worrying, his eyes opened slowly. He saw Helena and Sebastian there with him. He frowned and then smiled.
Sebastian’s tears caught in his throat, and Helena allowed her own to fall down her cheeks.
“You… you are here,” Daniel wheezed.
“Of course we are,” Sebastian said, sniffing back tears and squeezing the boy’s hand. “As soon as we heard…”
“And we’re not going anywhere.” Helena looked at Sebastian, who nodded. She smiled, and he managed a smile back. “That much, we promise you.”