Chapter 25
They reached the manor at an early hour. By that time, Helena was physically and mentally exhausted.
She had been up all night, her thoughts focused entirely on Daniel. Relief had swept over her when they realized he was going to recover, the little energy she had left draining out of her almost as soon as they climbed into the carriage to head back home.
She might have fallen asleep on that ride, were it not for Sebastian.
At first, she simply did not want to leave him on his own.
As much as she had struggled with Daniel’s illness, it very nearly destroyed her husband, and she felt the need to sit by his side and hold his hand so he would know that she was there for him.
Helena did not care in the moment about the promise she had made to herself.
She did not care a damn about the message it might send.
Seeing Sebastian with Daniel and realizing just how much she admired him and what he was doing, she chose to look past what she thought she wanted and think about what truly mattered.
Sebastian isn’t like other men. And this marriage isn’t like other marriages. I keep trying to make it so. I continually force myself to believe it. Maybe it’s time I accept the truth.
So she sat with him. She held his hand. She let him know silently that she was there for him. And she did not care for a second how it might look.
What she couldn’t have expected was the story he told her.
As if she were not already fighting against her conscience and her very way of being with every ounce of strength she had, his tale of Thomas and the events that led him to open the orphanage touched her deeply and broke her with just as much brutality.
She had listened. She had seen the pain in his eyes and heard it in his voice. She had stopped trying to picture him as the man she wanted him to be and started to see him as the man he was. A man worth giving herself to. Maybe a man worth loving.
So it was that by the time they arrived home, Helena was utterly exhausted. She and Sebastian trudged out of the carriage and into the manor, limping and dragging their feet because both needed rest like nothing else.
Her mind was on her bed. The climb up the stairs looked treacherous but was worth the cost. She offered Sebastian a soft smile, wanting him to see that things were not as they had been. That maybe once they were both rested, they could talk.
Yet, before she had the chance to bid Sebastian farewell so that she might finally lay down her head and consider everything that had happened, Sebastian reached out and took her hand.
“Where are you going?” he asked. His voice was soft, trembling, and his eyes were still red-rimmed.
“I…” She hesitated, looking at his hand, caught between peeling it off as she knew she should and giving in. “To bed. It has been a long night…” An awkward chuckle. “I think we both need rest.”
“What I told you just now,” Sebastian continued, still holding her hand. “I have never told anyone that story.”
“I know.”
“I’ve always felt embarrassed by it. And ashamed.” He squeezed her hand, his eyes looking everywhere but at her. “But I don’t want to feel that way anymore.”
“Sebastian, there is nothing to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong.”
“I know,” he said softly. “But you have no idea how much I need you to know it too. How I wanted you to hear it.” He smiled at himself, as if coming to an understanding. “I can’t help but wonder why that is.”
“Sometimes, it is just good to speak about these things. To get them off our chest so that we might realize the weight they bring is not so heavy as we have allowed ourselves to believe.”
He nodded in agreement. “Sometimes, we spend so much time worried about doing the wrong thing that we convince ourselves that what we perceive to be wrong is worse than it really is.”
“I…” She did not know what to say. “I guess so.”
“But more often than not, it’s not nearly so bad.
Usually….” Slowly, he lifted his eyes so that he was looking right at her.
They were still red and glassy. Still swollen.
But there was a smile behind them, and he made sure that she could see it.
“Usually, it is only once we admit these things out loud that we understand their truth. And once we do, we can’t help but wonder what we were so worried about in the first place. ”
Helena could sense where this was going. The look he fixed her with. The not-so-hidden meaning in his words.
Had this happened a few days ago, she would have wrenched her hand free and escaped the implication of his words before he had a chance to speak them, so there could be no doubt how she felt.
Perhaps even stopped him before he was given the opportunity, putting her foot down and declaring once and for all what she wanted. Or what she did not want.
But as she held his honest gaze, as she saw through it and understood where he was leading her, she was finally ready to admit what she had known for some time.
Or rather, she was no longer afraid.
“What are you trying to say?” she asked.
For the first time all morning, and all last night, Sebastian smiled. His eyes flashed, a smirk touched his lips, and he kept his grip on her hand as he stepped closer to her, pulling her into him.
“Do you have any idea what you do to me, Helena?”
“I…” She swallowed her heart as it tried to leap through her throat. “I think I do.”
“You are the antithesis of everything I know,” he growled. “Passionate. Ruthless and demanding—stubborn.
“Are you sure you’re not describing yourself?” She allowed a smirk of her own as he took her other hand.
They stood facing one another, with inches now separating them. Her body was trembling, but so was his.
He chuckled deeply, not once breaking eye contact. “I should not be drawn to it as I am. The way I was raised… my father always told me, it’s best that I find myself a subservient wife. Easier to tame. That they make for a more peaceful home.”
“You don’t do peaceful.” Her voice cracked. “Nor do I.”
“I am not my father,” he continued. “I am not what people think. And you, Helena…” He squeezed her hands, and his eyes flicked to her lips. “You are unlike anyone I have ever met.”
“Sebastian…” Her chest tightened as his eyes flicked to her lips again. Her mouth moistened. She knew what was happening, just as she knew how dangerous it was. “Perhaps we should—”
“I tried to stay away,” he spoke over her.
“I tried to adhere to your rules, as well as my own. But I can’t, despite how hard I have battled against myself.
But it is as I said…” His eyes flashed once more, his smirk grew, and she saw it coming.
“It’s not until we say these things out loud that we realize how wrong we are. ”
“And what…” She licked her lips. “What were you wrong about?”
“Everything.”
And that was when he kissed her.
Helena had seen it coming. She had wanted it. She had yearned for it, even if she would not admit so. But as Sebastian closed his eyes and puckered his lips and lowered his face, she stopped with the lies, she did away with the doubt, and she accepted his kiss as if it were life itself.
Their lips met in a fiery clash. It was as if flames ripped from mouths, breathed through their lungs, and set their bodies on fire. Helena felt it sweep through her, engulf every inch of her being, and light up her body and soul in passion that burned so hot she very nearly wept.
Sebastian released her hands and cupped her face in his hands. He held her there as his lips parted and his tongue dove into her mouth. She accepted it, opened herself to it, encouraged it with her own tongue so that they danced and played between one another’s mouths.
Bodies pressed together. Eyes shut tight.
Heartbeats matching so that two became one.
Helena could not say how long their kiss lasted.
Seconds or minutes or hours, it made no difference.
She lost herself in that moment, and so right did it feel that she would have been happy if she never found herself again.
What had she been so afraid of?
Why had she denied herself this for so long?
What did she think was going to happen?
All valid questions, none of which mattered. They were in the past, and that was dead and buried, as far as Helena was concerned. Because as she kissed her husband, as he held her tight, as they showed one another how they both truly felt, Helena could literally feel something shift between them.
This marriage had started as one of convenience. They had fought to keep it so, but that was them being stubborn. Ironically, trapped in their own prison. But this kiss was the key that opened the doors and showed them a new way forward.
And now that they took those first steps, there was no going back. Nothing would be the same again.