Chapter 29
Helena was eating supper alone when Sebastian walked into the dining room. She glanced up, saw him walking down the length of the table, and went back to her plate.
“There you are.” He wore a warm smile. “I was looking for you.”
“You found me,” she said simply.
“I sent for you earlier.” He came to within a few feet of her and stopped. She braced herself, expecting him to lean down and kiss her on the cheek, perhaps even pull out a chair to join her. “Did you not receive my summons?”
“Oh, I am afraid not.” She dared a glance at him, noting the way he was still smiling, and went back to her food. “Nothing important, I hope.”
“Not really,” he said. “Lord Ashford was here and wished to see you.”
“I had no idea.”
“No matter, he has gone home now. And he sends his regards.”
“I am glad to hear it.”
She held her fork and knife in her hands, using them to cut through the shank of lamb on her plate, purposefully avoiding his gaze. But she could feel it on her, studying her as she ate, likely curious as to why she was being so cold toward him.
He should be relieved. Thrilled that he does not need to pretend. That I am not such a tremendous inconvenience to him and the lifestyle he holds so dear.
“Is something the matter?” he asked.
“No,” she uttered as she cut off a piece of meat and took a bite. “Should there be?”
“Not at all,” he replied.
Another glance up at her husband, and he appeared nonplused. Not at all concerned about how she was behaving. And that hurt more than anything.
“I should have informed you earlier, but I won’t be able to join you for supper.”
“That is fine.”
“Not that it matters,” he laughed. “Seems you got started without me.”
“I was hungry.”
“And I would hate to stand between you and your stomach,” he quipped. “Also, I wish to confirm tomorrow. I assume nothing has changed?”
Helena frowned down at her plate. “Tomorrow?”
“The promenade. I hate to force you to do anything you do not wish to do, but we made plans, remember? I hope you are still eager.”
Helena grimaced, the sickness inside of her growing so that it consumed her where she sat. She wanted to sink into her seat and vanish from sight.
She also wanted to glare at him, to snap and snarl, to tell him that she was not to be used like this. That if he wanted them to attend public events together, the least he could do was treat her as if she was not some expendable tool that he cared less for than a worn-through shirt.
But she held her tongue, as hard as that was to do.
Was this not always the plan? A marriage of convenience only, with no emotional attachment, no feelings, two strangers living together for the sole purpose of tricking their peers into believing the lie they themselves had created.
Sure, Helena had lost track of herself. She had forgotten why she hated marriage and what she wanted from this life. She had allowed herself to believe that maybe, just maybe, she and Sebastian could be more than what they had started.
I was even beginning to wonder if, from this arrangement, love might… if he and I would… if a world existed in which we could be happy.
This was never about happiness. It was about Helena’s reputation being saved, just as it was about Sebastian’s pledge to save the orphans. That was what she focused on, knowing that as much as she wanted to expose Sebastian and abuse him, she could not.
Better that they carry on as they were and then go their separate ways once it was all done.
“Oh yes, I nearly forgot.” She forced a smile and looked at him. “Tomorrow. I am very much looking forward to it.”
He smiled back, and it was warm and loving and so very false. “Glad to hear it. Enjoy your supper, Helena. I will see you on the morrow.”
“As I will see you.” She fluttered her eyelashes, held the smile, and did her best not to let him see how much she loathed him.
It seemed to have worked. He nodded once, his smile still warm and loving, before he turned and strode out of the room. And she watched him go, her heart breaking, her world collapsing, her resolve weakened such that a light breeze would make it shatter.
This was not the outcome that she wanted, but it was the best she was going to get. Best that she see it through, do nothing to cause alarm or distress, and be glad when it was all over.
Not a happy ending by any means. But an ending, nonetheless. And who knows, one day it might make for a decent story. Better that than nothing.
“It is a glorious day,” Sebastian crooned. “Perfect weather.”
“We have been blessed.”
“It looks as if half the ton is out for it,” he continued merrily.
“They would be fools not to take advantage.”
“Good for us too,” he made sure to add. “I would hate to waste a day like this one. We might as well have stayed home.”
“A good thing there is no need,” Helena said simply. “What is the point if nobody sees us?”
She offered him an exaggerated smile, one that might have been taken for humor.
Sebastian grinned and shook his head, making sure to squeeze her hand tight so that even if she had wanted to, she would not be able to escape.
To anyone who saw them, they would appear as the happiest of couples, basking in the morning sun as they did in one another’s love, nothing to worry about but how they would spend the day.
And it is all a lie. As it has always been, I suppose. Only now it feels different. Worse, somehow. As if it is not just the ton being lied to, but me. And that Sebastian knows it.
As promised, Helena and Sebastian went on a promenade together, their choice of venue being Hyde Park. It was a popular spot among the peerage, and on a day like this, it was no wonder that there were so many lords and ladies about.
Had this happened a few weeks ago, Helena might have felt great relief to see how busy it was. After all, was this not the entire point? To be seen and admired by all, witnessed and confirmed that their marriage was very much real.
They walked the path that snaked lazily through the garden, they waved and smiled to various couples and families they passed by, they laughed, greeted, and spoke to many. And, most of all, they stayed close, as if to be apart was to see the world come to an end.
Helena found that she was having a hard time pretending as she once had. What was more, it appeared that Sebastian was back to his old ways.
Not so long ago, they had found a middle ground that allowed them to act normally, figuring this was the best way to show how companionable they were.
But now, Sebastian was over-the-top and larger-than-life in his quest to prove how in love they were.
As false as ever, and it made Helena feel sick.
“Your Grace!” a voice called from down the path.
“Ah, Lord Westshire!” Sebastian waved merrily at the approaching lord and his wife. They, too, walked arm in arm, appearing just as happy as she and Sebastian were. “Wonderful to see you.”
“As it is to see you,” Lord Westshire said as he reached them. “And Your Grace…” He offered a deep bow to Helena. “Looking as radiant as ever.”
“Thank you,” she said simply.
“Careful now, Lord Westshire.” Sebastian let go of her hand and slipped an arm around her waist. “Keep saying kind words like that, and I will have to work extra hard to keep my dear wife by my side.”
“Hopefully not too hard!”
“To be honest, I relish the chance.” Sebastian’s eyes shone as he looked at Helena. “Any chance I have to remind my wife of her beauty is one I welcome.”
Helena resisted the urge to curl her lips in disgust.
Why is he trying so hard? Surely, we are past this? Should it not be enough to be honest and… Wait, no. Silly me. Honesty is not something Sebastian is capable of.
They spoke with Lord Westshire and his wife for a few moments, then left them and continued on their walk. It was all smiles and cheer. All compliments and words of adoration. All adoring glances and constant touch, from which she could not escape.
It broke Helena’s heart, just as it made her sick with revulsion.
She knew that it would have been wise not to show her revulsion. That she needed to keep up the facade so Sebastian would not wonder why she was acting so distant. Alas, she simply could not do it to herself.
In public, she would not spurn him, not for him, and not for her own reputation. But for the children, as they were innocent, and it was not their fault that Sebastian was a liar and a snake and the worst of men.
But in private, she would do as she should have kept doing from the second they married. She would stop trying to please him. She would stop pretending that this marriage was anything other than one of convenience. And most of all, she would stop caring.
So it was that when they arrived home later that day, she did not wait for him once she climbed out of the carriage and started toward the manor.
“Helena!” he called after her as he exited the carriage. “Where are you off to?”
She turned, and her expression was as cold as the harshest of winters. “Nowhere that you need to concern yourself with.”
He frowned, seemingly perplexed by her response. “Is something the matter? You have been acting strangely all day.”
“Not at all,” she said, still with that same dispassionate glare. “I am just tired, that’s all. Needing some time to myself.”
“As you say.” He smiled warmly, as if nothing was amiss. “And I will be seeing you later?”
“Likely you will be.” She forced a smile, one that was not warm or loving. And then she turned and strode to the manor.
Sebastian did not go after her, nor did he check on her later that day. He left her alone as she asked, and that was when Helena knew beyond a doubt that she was right about him.
While she was forcing herself on him, he remained loving, kind, and gentle. But once she stopped trying, he would receive the message and happily avoid her as he clearly wished to do.
In time, it would become the norm, she would forget what they almost had, and this marriage would limp along until it was time for its end.
A day which could not come soon enough.
Sebastian had never wanted this marriage, and neither had Helena. It was time she realized that, accepted it, and moved on.