Chapter 19
It felt like a freight train had hit Trevor. The ripples of it’s force knocking me down. I heard a few sherieks happening simultaneously as both I almost fell into the fire and because everybody realized what had just happened.
A series of voices sounded out, ‘Dev!’, ‘Dude’, ‘Oh my god, stop’ were all yelled in unison.
Devran had tackled Trevor to the ground and was wailing on his face now. When that fact finally clicked into my mind I scrambled to my feet to help Trevor.
The guys were already trying to pull Devran off but with Alpha strength and rage you really couldn’t move him.
“STOP” I screamed, beating his back with my fists. Jasper grabbed me around the waist and tried to pull me away to avoid getting hurt but I thrashed out of his arms and flew down to my knees beside the two men on the ground.
I put my face right beside Devran and screamed his name. Only after a moment did he pause.
“Get off of him now” I screamed. Devran’s fists were bloody and Trevor’s face was mangled. I couldn’t believe it. I know they heal at a decent rate but that still looked horrible.
“Dude, what’s the matter with you?” Diego grabbed his friend’s shoulder again to lift him up now that he stopped punching. Dev’s eyes stayed on mine. With all the hands on Dev and his rage still coursing he ripped himself away from them and started walking.
“Help Trevor,” I told them and took off after Devran. Jasper tried stopping me but I told him to let me go and he listened finally.
“What the fuck Devran! What the hell was that?! He’s your friend” I yelled after him. He was stomping deeper into the woods rather than back to town.
The further we got from the fire the dimmer it got and I was having a hard time seeing. I tripped over myself but kept after him. Finally I hit an uplifted tree root and fell.
“Dammit” I cursed under my breath. Devran stopped and walked back to me, kneeling down. “You alright?” he asked, but his voice was still strained with anger.
I took the opportunity to ask him again, “What just happened out there?” He growled and stood up. I stood too. “I snapped clearly,” he growled out.
“Clearly, but why?” I clarified. Devran pulled me to him in a flash and his lips found my ear before stating, “because he’s not allowed to touch you.” His voice was sharp, angry, and dead serious.
“And why not?” I persisted. I could hear the rumbling in his chest. “Because I said so” he continued his growl.
“Is it because I’m a human? Is that why?” I challenged him. I had a feeling that wasn’t it but I wanted him to say it for himself. He let go of me and started walking again.
“Devran, I can’t see. I’m going to hurt myself by following you but I will follow you!” I called out.
“Damn you, you stubborn girl” he spat, turning back for me. I was the one to grab his shirt now. I was still full of liquid courage and I planned on using it tonight.
“It’s my birthday, you’re ruining my night. The least you can do is tell me why!” I shouted to him. He punched the tree trunk and I knew that shit hurt but he didn’t flinch. He punched it again and released a growl, loudest I’ve heard.
“Go ahead, throw your tantrum. It doesn’t change the fact that you are possessive of me and everyone knows it” I shouted, since growling isn’t an option.
“I’m not possessive of you” he gritted out. “Oh yeah? What’s your explanation then?” My vision wasn’t the best in this lighting but I could still see his features and there was an internal battle happening.
“You’re possessive of me. You constantly have your eye on me. What is it then Devran? Huh?” I thought he would cave and fess up under pressure but his ego was too big to let him.
“I don’t give a shit about you! I’m not possessive of you! I just don’t want my men touching human trash” he shouted harshly. I was taken back by his words.
‘Trash’, that word struck a chord with me. My mother’s boyfriend Greg started calling me that a lot throughout that final year I had lived with them. His drinking benders had gotten worse and he got so angry when he was drunk for too long.
‘You trash bitch’
‘Baby get rid of this trash. She’s using up all our money. You see, I got no money for your dope’ he'd lie.
I hated Greg. Once Devran screamed at me that I was human trash he ran off. I heard his clothes ripping and his wolf pounding away.
I was left in the middle of the forest in the dark crying on my birthday. Sounds about right. I never have nice things.
-
Greg kicked past me, making me fall over.
“You’re like day old trash sitting around this house. Get a fucking job” he swore at me. I had had it and I yelled back for the first time ever. “I have a fucking job! You get a job!” I hissed.
“What’d you say to me? You hear that baby? You’re daughters disrespecting me” he bound back over. My mom was nodding off. She still had the elastic tied off around her arm.
“Jesus christ mom” I sat her up and removed the tie. When I stood back to my full height I felt the sting in my cheek. My hand flew up to touch the place Greg had just hit me.
“Ugly bitch” he spat out. “Don’t touch me” I screamed, rounding the chair to get away from him.
“You’ve been nothing but a burden since the day you were born. You know that right? Your daddy didn’t want you and your mom was stuck with ya. You make her like this” he pointed down to my high mother.
“Shut up” I cried.
“Oh go on and cry about it. I’m just telling the truth” and with a swig of the bottle he emptied it and threw it at me. I screamed and ducked, hearing it shatter behind me. I ran to my room and locked the door.
“That’s right whore. Run and hide. Frizzy haired trash. You hear me?! You ugly bitch” he muttered, then yelled, then muttered again in his drunken stupor.
-
I tried using the weak moonlight to guide my way back to the clearing where I’d at least recognize where I was at and find my way back to town. It was frustrating because I was tripping over my own feet by not being able to see where I was walking.
I started to worry when it felt like I was walking longer than I should’ve been without having found the clearing yet. I was both drunk and crying which wasn’t helping my concentration. I took a moment to gather myself.
Wiping at my tears I let myself harden with the anger I felt inside me. I was always so weak growing up. I accepted everything that was done to me.
I let them chain me down like a dog. I didn’t scream at them when I had soiled myself because they forgot about me for two days. I didn’t argue back when Greg was being foul. I didn’t scream at my mom for not taking care of me, for spending all our money on drugs, for taking his side over mine.
I defended myself once and only once and the outcome almost killed me.
-
“Mom, I’m sick of this shit. It’s either him or me. He threw a fucking bottle at my head” I shouted. She had come out of her heroine high enough that I could speak to her.
“Baby, I love him. He’s just emotional” she said in her slow tone.
“What about me? Don’t you love me?” I cried. “Of course baby” her poke riddled arms and shot veins were exposed as she tried to offer me a hug.
“No, do you love me enough to leave him. Mom he hit me, and not once. Last week we got robbed by two of his junkie friends, do you even remember that? Things are getting worse. Both of you are getting worse! I can’t keep doing this” I wiped a tear but tried reasoning with her.
“You complain too much” she waved me off, leaning forward to grab a cigarette. When she grabbed the bottle of liquor on the coffee table in front of her I slapped it out of her hand.
“What the fuck” she hissed.
“Enough is enough. Mom, I want you to go to rehab. For real this time, not like before, you have to stay more than a couple days for it to work.”
“You know what those places are like, Mira?! They make you sick and they don’t give a shit about you! You think anybody gives a shit?!” she started ranting. The subject of rehab was touchy.
“You are the one making yourself sick. It’s detox, it’ll suck and then it won’t. Grow the fuck up” I shouted. “Excuse me?!” she screamed back, not used to hearing me talk back.
“I’ve had it! I’m done. I’m telling you your boyfriend has been hitting me, I’m telling you I’m afraid you are going to overdose and die one of these days, I’m telling you a good majority of my saved money is gone because your junkie friends stole my shit! Do you hear anything I’m saying?
"I’ve been working my ass off, mom. Between school and work I’m exhausted and still I have to buy my own food, pay our bills, I have no money for school mom! I’m smart, I want to go to college” I cried.
“You dumb bitch, you ain’t smart” Gregs voice came from down the hall. I didn’t know he was in the house. I thought he’d left or I wouldn’t be having this argument with my mom right now.
But I had it. “Fuck you, Greg” I cursed him.
“What’d you say to me?” he came running down the hall. I ran around the coffee table so he couldn’t get to me. “Cut it out” my mom argued, to which of us I don’t know.
“You worthless bitch. Disrespecting your mom with your whore mouth. Disrespecting me” he ran to one side of the table and I would rush to the other. Finally he just flipped the table and I screamed. I ran down the hall to make it into my bedroom.
“Cut it out!” I heard my mom yell again. Suddenly I got pulled back harshly by the hair and slammed into the ground. I screamed and kicked at Greg so he wouldn’t climb on top of me.
“Get your fucking boyfriend off of me” I screamed at my mother. She finally got up but the woman worked in slow motion.. Most addicts do.
“Mira, you’re causing trouble. Come on, stop mouthing off” she said, taking his side. Greg pulled me up by the hair making me scream again. I scratched at him to let me go and my mom tried stepping in. Greg pushed her down and wrapped his two hands around my throat.
“You apologize” his alcohol riddled breath hit my face. My throat was hissing with the strong hold of his grip. He looked like he might be high on cocaine too. I’ve seen it before he gets these jittery eyes when he does too much coke.
“Apologize trash! Say it! You fucking spoiled brat” he shook me by the neck and I continued to scratch at him to release me. My mom stood up crying.
“This is too much for me! Cut it out!” she sobbed, walking over to the tossed table and picking up her kit. I tried screaming ‘mom’ ‘mom’ but she walked out the door in a stupor.
I was choking, coughing, gasping for breath. I kneed Greg in the balls and when he let go I head butted him. He fell back and clutched his nose. I ran to my room and locked the door. I leaned on the door to catch my breath.
“You cunt” I heard him scream. He banged on the door a few times but someone banged on the back wall saying they’d call the cops if he didn’t quit. That shut him up.
I grabbed a bag and filled it with as much stuff as I could. I didn’t have much anyways. I took a piece of paper from one of my notebooks and started writing.
It read: Mom, I can’t stay here anymore. I asked you to choose me, but you didn’t, so I’m leaving. When your high runs out I want you to think about the fact that you walked out of the apartment while your boyfriend strangled me because it was too much for YOU.
I love you mom, but you need help. Serious help.
And I hope you get it before it’s too late.
I don’t think I’m coming back, mom. I wanna say I’ll see you again but I hope it’s not here.
I’ll leave you a phone number to reach me when I find out where I’m going.
Can you keep your cell bill paid until then?
I’m sorry -Mira.-
-
I don’t know how long I had been lost but I was cold and the outfit I wore was not helping. To traverse the forest in total darkness in a leather mini skirt was brutal.
I kept falling, I kept losing my sense of direction, and I kept crying. All these memories flashed into my head from the last time I saw my mom. Why did everyone always say they didn’t care about me? That I’m trash? That I’m ugly? A whore?
That’s why I never let a man touch me. I felt guilty like I would live up to my name as a worthless slut.
How could Devran leave me in the middle of the forest in the dead of night? I cried and cried. I stopped walking and sat down to continue crying because I was hyperventilating at this point.
Not being able to breath reminded me of when Greg strangled me. I had bruises the shape of his hands around my throat for over a week before it even started to fade at all. I hugged myself tight and just cried out all the pain of before and all the pain of now.
“I’m lost” I whispered to no one.
My eyes shifted upward to the sky when I noticed the darkness lessened. It seemed like the moon was brighter and the stars were too. I could suddenly see better. I rose to my feet and used this advantage before it’d give out again. The sky appeared to be helping me.