Chapter 23
I felt something nudging me but I was still too deep on the other side to understand what.
“Mira, hey, are you alive?” Jasper’s voice asked me.
“Yo” I could tell it was Mel that was shaking me awake now. I groaned. “Oh good, she lives,” I heard my best friend say.
It took me a minute to get my eyes open. I was laying in the living room. I guess I never made it to bed. “How’d you get into my house?” I croaked out. I needed water desperately.
“I pick locks, remember” Melanie laughed.
Oh how I miss the nights where I’d wake up to the smell of jasmine because my best friend had snuck into my room at the pack house after her tryst with her boyfriend. Things were easy then. That felt like a lifetime ago even though Devrans’ only been back a few short weeks.
Like Jasper read my mind he walked over with a tall glass of water which I thanked him repeatedly for. I finally sat up and acknowledged the room.
“Had a party all by yourself huh?” he asked. The pillows were tossed to the floor, I had been sprawled out along the couch but most of the flowers were out of the vase. I stopped paying attention to my friends once I noticed one healthy flower in the mix of all the wilted ones.
Did I go outside and bring a new flower in?
“Feed this girl, she looks like a zombie” Mel commented, noticing I had zoned out. I started placing all the flowers back into the vase and brushed all the fallen petals into a small pile I could clean up later.
In a whisper I apologized to the flowers. I couldn’t explain why but I felt the need to. I was seriously losing my mind.
“Mira, we wanna talk about it but we’ve both been too scared to bring it up” Jasper finally admitted. “There is nothing to talk about” I dismissed the idea.
“Mira, I think there is definitely something to talk about,” Melanie insisted. “Like what?” I asked, not meaning it.
“How about the fact that you aren’t a wolf yet you were Devran’s mate, and you were rejected in front of everyone in the street” Mel blurted out. Jasper pushed her to shut up.
“Yeah, you just summoned it all up perfectly into one sentence. There’s nothing else to say about the matter” I had completely shut down.
My 24 hours of hiding gave me enough time to have my meltdown in private. Now I would wear a stone expression. I wouldn’t show them embarrassment, fear, sadness, or anything.
“Fine, if you aren’t ready to talk about it we don’t have to for now. But we still should at some point” Jasper tried reasoning with me.
“Just tell me this. Am I the laughing stock of the pack?” I asked, unsure I even wanted to know. “No, not at all. Everyone is shocked and a bit confused I guess” Jasper shrugged.
“People asked about you yesterday to see if you were okay and we didn’t know what to tell them,” Mel added. I raised a hand to stop them from starting a full blown conversation about this.
“That’s all” I said.
I could tell my two best friends were worried about me as their eyes were holding nothing back as their gazes lingered. I have faced so many things in my lifetime that I could compartmentalize easier than they probably think.
Haven’t I always had a tragic life? Deadbeat father, drug addicted mother, a shithead boyfriend of my mothers who was abusive and abrasive, and so much more. I wouldn’t let Devran be the thing that ruined me.
As far as I know I was being permitted to stay here which meant I wouldn’t be displaced again and it also meant I could maintain my friendship with the two wolves looking down at me right now. That meant more to me than anything else.
When there was a knock at my front door I was surprised. All our bodies paused as we shifted our eyes at one another asking silently who the hell that could be? I didn’t even want to answer it but once I heard the voice on the other side I knew I had to.
“Open up sweetheart, it’s Gran.”
I sighed and rose to my feet. Upon opening the door Gran’s eyes took in my appearance, my friends, and the messy living room that was the leftover remnant of my drunken pity party. Before she even addressed me she addressed the other two.
“Could I have a few minutes alone with our girl?” She asked them kindly. I could see worry in her eyes the same way they had. Silently they nodded and walked out of the house, mumbling they’d be back later.
The small elderly woman shuffled inside while waving me to go sit down on the sofa.
“I know why you’re here and I appreciate it but I actually would rather not talk about it” I started the conversation first. The woman sat down beside me and smiled softly at me. I hated feeling pity.
“Mira, I think you’re just about the sweetest girl I know. Everyone was weary when you first arrived here, being human and all, but you quickly showed your true nature and it is a caring and kind one.
"You didn’t deserve the public display that happened between you and my grandson, and frankly he made a mistake in my book. So you’re human, I don’t think the Moon Goddess would make a mistake. If you were brought to us it was for a reason.”
I opened my mouth to speak but her wrinkled hand rose up to stop me.
“None of this has sat right with me. How you could be mated to a wolf if you are solely human. I’ve been thinking long and hard on this but I haven’t found my answer yet. I’ve come here to advise you of something, if I may” she trailed off to wait for my nod.
The woman sucked in a breath and took my hand.
“I’d like for you to meditate,” she told me. This made me tip my head in confusion. This is not at all what I thought she would say to me. “Mediate?” I was perplexed.
“Yes darling, under the full moon. Ask the Moon Goddess for her guidance and meditate. You’d be surprised what answers surface when you quiet the mind” she told me of her wolfy beliefs.
I’m human. I don’t know if the Moon Goddess was even relevant to me. So, why should she answer? I’m nobody. I’ve always been nobody.
“There is an area far into the forest where many go to connect with nature and our Goddess as they seek answers. They spend the night in meditation with no distraction at all. Alone. It’s a private practice us wolves have done for generations. I’d like for you to try it” she told me.
I was again perplexed.
“Gran, I don’t know what to say. I wouldn’t even know how to go about spending an entire night dedicated to meditation. It’s not something I’ve really ever tried before. I’m not sure I could focus that long, if at all” I told her honestly.
My mind is not a quiet one. The woman’s eyes creased to half moon’s as she smiled at me and patted my hand.
“You don’t know until you try. I’ve been around a long time. Trust this old wolf, would you?” She asked me. How could I refuse? Gran has been good to me and I also didn’t want to disrespect her beliefs.
I would be afraid to be alone that deeply into the forest.
There are other creatures who roam these wooded lands and I am no wolf.
I sighed and leaned back into the sofa. My mind was battling logic with hope.
Hope for answers, because Gran feels there is something to be answered, and now I would like to know what.
“When is the full moon?” I asked. Her smile only widened “Tonight.”
I choked on my own breath. This all felt very sudden and strange. “Oh don’t give me that look. You’ll be just fine, honey. Just believe that the Moon Goddess will guide you and she will” she told me.
The woman was already standing up as if things were so decided. She walked to the front door and opened it, peeking her head out.
I realized that she must’ve mindlinked Jasper to come back because he was waiting just outside the door. Gran filled him in on everything and asked that he take me to ‘the spot’ where they do these sacred meditations. He looked hesitant but agreed.
That satisfied Gran and she was gone shortly after.
“What the hell, Jasp,” I looked to him for answers. He shrugged and laughed. “I don’t know what to even say about that. She thinks it’ll help you. With what? I don’t know, but it’s still a sacred place. Maybe you should try it....” he began to agree with the woman.
“And ask what? I’m a human who was rejected by a damn wolf. What is there to even answer?” I let my anger surface now that Gran was gone.
“Well, by the sound of it Gran thinks there is more to this rejected bond than we even realized, so...” I knew just by the sheepish expression on his face that he was really going to make me do this.
“Have you ever done this?” I asked him. He turned even more sheepish, “No. I’ve never had a reason to meditate or ask anything of the Moon Goddess.”
I thought about this for a second, “This is ridiculous. I don’t mean to disrespect Gran’s beliefs but this is kinda crazy sounding, no?”
He shrugged. “It’s not just her beliefs, Mira. Our whole pack believes these ceremonies and sacred meditations are very real and very important” he schooled me.
“Sorry Jasp, I didn’t mean to be insensitive. My human brain has always had a hard time believing in a higher power. With the kind of life I lived it’s kinda hard to think that some God is looking down on me and not giving a damn about my problems” I sighed.
I remember when I was young I would cry sometimes and pray because I knew that’s a thing people did, but my prayers were never answered and I lost faith quickly. As if hearing my thoughts Jasper clasped my shoulder and smiled down at me.
“Maybe you were praying to the wrong God.”
I found myself agreeing to this. I’m not sure what I sought after but apparently it’s been reported by others as a ‘moving’ experience.
“Am I going to get killed in the middle of the forest, alone, at night?” I peeked up at my friend. He puckered his mouth in thought which made my eyes go wide.
“Eh, you’ll be fine,” he grinned. “Will you stay close by?” I asked him. His grin turned to a pout. “I can’t. Doesn’t work that way.”
-
I changed into warm comfortable clothing and followed Jasper into the deeper tree line so we could hike to this place I was meant to stay at for the night. No food, water, or anything else. I was meant to be stripped of everything until sunrise.
“You’ll come back for me right at sunrise, right? I don’t wanna linger longer than I have to” I kept peeking up at my best friend as he guided me forward.
“I promise” he told me, and I believed him.
I’m not sure how far we walked but I knew it was no where I have been before because this place was rockier than our usual terrain and when it plateaued I noticed a tree formation that formed almost a perfect circle and centered in it was a flattened rock as a makeshift altar.
There I saw burned candles with their hardened wax that had dripped down its sides and pooled below it.
“Was I supposed to bring a candle or something?” I looked back at Jasper who had paused in his steps just outside the circle of trees. He was letting me look on quietly.
“No, but I have a lighter so that you can relight the ones already here” he told me. I was grateful because I had no idea what I needed to be equipped with out here.
“So I just sit here?” I pointed to the smooth ground of this small clearing inside this circle of trees where the altar was. Jasper shrugged. “I don’t know. Just do what feels right.”
I was exasperated but nodded okay. Jasper gave me a quick hug before holding me at arm’s length by the shoulders so I would look at him.
“You’ll be fine out here. Just embrace it. I’ll be back for you in the morning” he promised me. I nodded again silently and watched as he disappeared into the thick trees. It was then that the fear creeped in.
I was utterly alone here. It was eerily quiet and the moon was surfacing from behind the clouds that was once shielding this full moon. The slight breeze sent a shiver down my spine. I looked around and could barely see anything now that the sun had set.
Not knowing what else to do or where to start I decided to first light the candles. There were about a dozen of them and they were all half melted.
The small flames felt warm against my face as I lit the final one but when I sat on the ground I lost it’s warmth and I shivered again. I wasn’t sure if that was a chill or just nerves that ripped through me.
I sat cross legged in a pose I know people often meditate with.
I was too afraid to shut my eyes because my senses were on alert to be sure I didn’t hear anyone or anything coming from beyond the slate of darkness.
I huffed out a long breath and shifted a bit on this hard uncomfortable ground. Now what? I had no idea what I was doing.
I had no way of measuring time but I know I spent a very long time just shifting around uncomfortably and huffing in frustration as I could not concentrate on any form of meditation at all.
I eventually got lost in my reel of thoughts instead.
I wished I wasn’t so alone, that I could do this with someone else, but Gran had said otherwise. Still I was nervous to be alone. Not because I couldn’t be alone. I spent most of my life alone. It’s the fact that I was vulnerable out here in nature.
It reminded me of the night Devran ran off into the forest after beating the crap out of one of his best friends for almost kissing me. I went after him looking for answers and ended up lost and terrified.
I weeped that whole time until by a miracle I was able to see better and find my way back through the forest until my best friend and protector, Jasper, could find me.
I wish if I were anyone’s mate it would be his. I don’t hold romantic feelings for him at all but I love Jasper. Devran was horrible to me and I probably wouldn’t have wanted him to accept this bond anyways. I never felt safe with him.
I don’t even know if I crave love. I do know I crave safety.