Chapter 22
I had thought about what Devran had said to me in front of the garden. He admitted to having anger issues and said he was handling it. He offered that I come by the office if I cared to hear what he had to say about it, and I did.
I wanted to talk so I walked down to the Pack House and then to the office I knew he’d be in. I heard voices but when I heard my name amongst the voices I decided to open the door. Just as I did so I heard a voice cutting through them all.
“Enough! We’re talking ourselves into damn circles. There is no way that I would be mates with a damn human. And if that’s what the Moon Goddess has done then I will reject this bond! That would weaken us. That would be beneath me” Devran growled out.
The room had fallen silent and all eyes fell to me who was quietly standing at the opened door. I was shocked at what I heard and stood frozen as Alpha turned around. Mr. Superior.
His eyes flashed with some emotion I couldn’t detect. He wasn’t expecting me here to hear this. I didn’t fully understand what they were talking about because they mentioned me being a Mate which I thought was impossible.
It didn’t matter, the rest of what he said stood out clearly. I was a damn human, he would reject me, I weaken them, and I am beneath him. I ran out the door and out the house altogether. That man is such a bastard. I can’t believe him.
“Mira” I heard him shout after me. I kept walking. “Mira, stop” he used his commanding voice. Too bad it doesn’t work on me. When I felt a slight tug I was forced to stop. He had gotten hold of my arm and turned me around.
“What! What the hell do you want?!” I shouted. The entire council had exited the Pack House and some of them were telling him to stop while others encouraged him but most stayed quiet. This got the attention of people in the streets.
“I know you heard us in there” he started, but I wouldn’t let him finish. “Yeah, I heard you. I’m beneath you. I’d weaken your Pack. I heard everything” I shouted, pushing him. People gasped but he caught my hands. Holding me still he looked down at me with angry features but almost sad eyes.
“Don’t do this in front of everyone” he said quietly to me. I didn’t care. “No, do it. If you’re going to reject me then do it now in front of everyone. Tell them what you said” I challenged.
“Mira,” he warned. I ripped my wrists from his grip and clenched my fists at my sides.
“Your big bad Alpha had a dud Mate. A weak, worthless, lower than scum human” I shouted. You could hear the voices in the streets murmuring and more began appearing.
Jasper walked down the Pack House steps heading toward the street where I was currently standing but I put a hand up to stop him.
“Do you deny this?” I asked Devran. He finally snapped and his sad eyes dissolved into ones of resolve.
“I do not deny it. The Moon Goddess has made a mistake...” he started. More gasps could be heard.
“Be angry all you want Mira but what I said was true. A human would weaken my pack and I can’t have that. I put the pack over all. You are not cut out to be Luna” he said, filling me with rage.
“So that’s it? That’s what you think of me?” I pushed him, then pushed him again. He grabbed my wrists again and pulled me close to his chest.
“Mira, I...I” I could see him hesitating but I didn’t know why. He took a breath.
“You think I’m worthless Devran but I don’t hide behind any titles. I’ve been a survivor my whole life. I’ve fought the bad guys and won. I’ve fed myself when no one else could. I protected my home. I’ve made yours a better place. Ask anyone who’s done the most in this community. You coward.
I’m more of a Luna than you are an Alpha,” I spat.
I just wanted him to be as angry as I was.
I was strong, I wasn’t weak. I wouldn’t make them weak. I was a fighter from birth. I may have been soft spoken before and that’s from years of trying to survive my fucked up environment but that’s changing now. I’m changing.
Upon hearing my words Devran’s body was practically vibrating with rage. I had embarrassed him in front of his people and now he was about to do the same.
“Mira, I, Alpha Devran Crescent of the Crescent Pack, reject you as my Mate,” he growled.
Everyone gasped, hands were brought up to cover shocked mouths. I could see people looking around at each other. It was like a daytime soap opera for all to see.
I felt something inside me rip open and pain I never felt before shot through me. “F-fuck you” was all I managed to say before trying to run away. He had his grasp on me still and we just stared at each other for another second before his hands finally released me.
I took off down the street and straight into the house. My house, Nealin’s house, whatever house this was now.
“Mira,” I could hear Jasper knocking. “Go away” I shouted. Not even he could fix this. He tried a few more times before giving up. Melanie came shortly after and I didn’t let her in either.
I laid in my bed and cried. I cried until I almost threw up with how hard my body was racked with tears. I felt the bond break. It was true I was his Mate. I felt it.
He rejected me. He thought so little of me. Everyone always does. I asked myself why my life had to be this way. Is it me that brings out the worst in people? Everywhere I go there is never any peace. I hate myself, I truly do.
Amongst the things I had brought from back home I had my old cell phone that I couldn’t pay the bill on and was shut off from service. I had brought it with me though because it has the only pictures of my mom and I.
I hadn’t looked at it yet. The battery was dead so I hadn’t even touched it but I wanted to look at the pictures.
I dug into that duffel bag that I had taken from home that day that I packed and ran away. I pulled the small phone out and plugged it in for a few minutes before manually turning it on.
The screen turned bright and finally my home screen showed. Nothing would work on the phone since it’s out of service but I clicked on the photos app and was greeted by the last photo I’d taken on it. My bruised neck from when Greg almost strangled me to death.
I started documenting my injuries when I considered pressing charges on him. It would’ve helped getting him out of the house but then my mother would’ve hated me.
I thought about it again once I ran away but by then I felt like I wanted to leave my past where it was.
I zoomed into the photo where the purpling marks were prominent around my neck. I had taken a photo the time he hit my face and another time when he pushed me and I scuffed my legs trying to get out of the house. It was like rug burn the way I fell on the apartment carpet and was dragged.
Once I scrolled past all that I found pictures of my friends at school. I didn’t have too many friends because I was always busy working or wouldn’t explain why I never invited any of my friends home.
I stopped at a picture of my mother. One particular sunny day she came and got me from school and we went to the park together. I had no idea why but it was the best day we’d had together in a long time.
I pushed her on the swing and we talked a little bit before a sketchy man showed up and she told me she’d be right back. I knew that meant the day was over but I got this one photo from it.
Her and I had our heads together while I took the photo selfie style. We’re both genuinely smiling which is rare.
The second one we had our tongues out and briefly I could see our resemblance. She would look like me if she wasn’t strung out. Her hair was thinner, her skin looked like shit, and she had bags under her eyes, but underneath the decay she would look like me or I would look like her.
I had a picture of a dog we had in the house for a little while. I loved that dog but it came in with one of the junkies and they took him when they left again.
I had a few baby pictures of me that I took pictures of on my phone because I knew one day my mom would lose them. She was younger too and didn’t look so fucked up. I had such light hair and pink cheeks. I was cute as a baby or maybe I wasn’t.
I didn’t know what qualified as beautiful anymore.
People that were supposed to love me called me ugly. People that were supposed to hate me called me beautiful. The people being Devran. He called me beautiful but he’s also called me inferior, disgusting, trash, so what’s the truth?
The thought of Devran made me cringe. I would not think of that man again. He rejected our bond and now so would I.
-
After the night from hell I didn’t bother showing up to work the next morning. Conan was present for that fiasco. I’m sure it wouldn’t shock him that I wasn’t coming to cook for them this morning.
There was a knock at my door and I knew it was my two best friends looking to come in. I told them to give me a day and come back tomorrow.
I just needed to be alone for 24 hours without drama, or voices, or people trying to ask how I feel and if I’m okay. No I wasn’t okay and no I didn’t want to talk about it.
After some resistance from them they finally agreed they’d be back here in the morning with breakfast. I agreed to shut them up and returned back to my dark bedroom and crawled into my bed.
I spent most of the day there. I looked through my photos again and let silent tears fall. Most of my pictures of me, I was alone. A picture of me on a park bench with an ice cream that I took a photo of myself.
A picture of me in the mirror of a dressing room in a store trying on something I couldn’t afford to buy. A picture of me beside a fountain. Alone. My life is pathetic. That’s what I wanted to sit here and wallow in. Pity.
I can’t explain why all this was digging up feelings about my mother and my past but it was triggering all sorts of things lately. Since that breakdown I had in the woods the night I was lost I’ve just been knee deep in it.
I wanted to know if she was still in the same location and if she was okay. I wanted to call her but there is only one landline and it’s in the Alpha’s office.
I had never asked to use it before because last year I wasn’t ready to talk to my mother. I was angry with her for walking out on me while her boyfriend was hurting me. Her mind was so fried. I couldn’t recognize her sometimes.
Who does that to their child? I was just too angry to call but now I have questions. Her phone was probably off by now if I’m being honest with myself.
Maybe I should hate my mother. She did lock my ankle up in a sex toy cuff that was chained down to the floor. That does damage to a person’s psyche.
Of course I was too young to realize what I was cuffed to. I called it the leash and when I mentioned it once to a friend she called me weird and stopped being my friend.
I stopped telling people anything about my home life after that. But in my mom’s fucked up head she was protecting me from wandering out and touching her dope or a dirty needle.
Addiction is a disease and she was drowning in it.
I tried sending her to rehab but I was just a fucking kid. I couldn’t help her. I could barely help myself. Greg said she was like that because of me. Devran says I’m weak. It’s all bleeding together now.
My chest hurt with all this weighing on me. I skipped dinner and cracked open a leftover bottle from my ruined birthday party and started drinking.
I felt guilty when I drank to access because it made me feel like them. Like Greg and my mother. But I was nothing like them. I wasn’t an addict. I’m just in pain.
Well maybe mom was in pain too. The kind of pain that won’t go away so you try to kill it yourself.
I drank until the thoughts got quieter and the room felt louder. I was singing. I sat down at my coffee table and held one of the wilting wild flowers in the red vase I had put there.
“I’m sorry I pulled you from your living source. You deserve a second chance at bloom” I pet the petals.
I drank until I forgot what I was drinking about and then I continued drinking until the bottle was empty and I was passed out.