Chapter 25
I thought back to a time in childhood when I was still hopeful to keep friends and I'd been hanging around this girl for some time. I loved going to her house because she had a lot of food there and snacks I could never dream of finding where I lived.
I don’t know how her mom found out about my mom but I do remember the day that woman told me I wasn’t allowed to come over anymore. Whatever she said to her daughter had convinced her to ignore me at school.
I remember them turning their noses up at me and I was so sad that I had lost my only friend.
I had lost friends before when I mentioned innocently about the fact that I was chained sometimes. I was called weird and they stopped talking to me. So I learned not to talk about my home life at all and still somehow I lost my friend.
That little girl and her family were church going people and I look back now at how ironic it is that they had no gracious heart at all. They praise the Lord and pretend to be generous and kind people but they aren’t.
They turn their noses up at the slightest inconvenience. A dirty little girl with a drug addict mother, how awful, they must’ve cringed at me.
Religion is a load of crap now that I really think of it. But the Moon Goddess felt more along the lines of mythology. Then again... Werewolves were myths but they’re very much real...so.
She has to be real because they say that’s where the Mate bond stems from. Is that true or is that just a belief like any other religion would be? If she is real then can she hear me?
I remember I once mentioned to Mel that I wished she did the Mate things for humans because I found it to be lovely. She told me maybe I just didn’t know what the Moon Goddess does for humans.
Did she have a hand in the human world? If I was meant to be a mate then wouldn’t I actually be under her guidance because that would mean she made Devran and I for each other. So, she would hear me. I would be relevant to her.
I remember when I had nothing to offer her at the altar of the Alpha changing ceremony. I made her a silly flower ring but it was all I had and I wanted to pay my respects.
Maybe I should have given her the moonstone necklace Diego had given me. But giving a gift away that someone else gave you sounded less like an offering and more like being ungrateful. Was she looking down on us that night?
I looked up at the sky and tipped my head in thought. “Are you real?” I asked aloud. No response. I laughed at myself. I shut my eyes again and tried to meditate.
If the Moon Goddess was real what would I want her to look like? I bet she’d have long beautiful waves of hair as dark as a night sky. She’d glow beautiful like the moon does. Her eyes would be brighter than stars. Blue maybe, like a day sky.
She’d be in a Goddess gown like I picture the old Greek Goddess looked like in their olympian gowns flowing in beautiful fabrics.
The moon controls our tides. With a whisper she can shift the waves to crash to shore. She would probably be barefoot. Of nature and grace.
I pictured such a beautiful woman because I was bored and decided to make her like a character in my mind. Maybe then, if I put a face on her, I could get her to talk to me. Am I like a child waiting for Santa Claus out here?
With my fingertips I drew swirls in the loose dirt beneath me. My eyes remained closed but my mind wasn’t quiet like it should be.
What if meditations aren’t about silencing the mind? What if it’s about acknowledging when the mind wanders and having the discipline to start again?
I hadn’t thought of that until just now. Is that me thinking this or was that a clue? Am I losing my mind? Possibly.
I sat criss cross and placed my palms flat on my thighs with a straight spine as I kept my eyes closed and decided to go at this with a new approach.
I will try to quiet the mind but I won’t be disappointed when my thoughts wander. I will simply acknowledge that they have and start again.
-
I was startled when I felt a nudge. My eyes snapped open and at the same time a gust of wind blew the candles out. It was sunrise and Jasper was looking down at me.
“Did you sleep sitting up?” He asked me, finding my position to be a strange one. I was still in my meditative pose.
“I wasn’t sleeping,” I told him. When I unraveled my legs they felt stiff and sore. I had to gradually extend them and stretch my body. I groaned.
“You didn’t hear me coming. You looked like you were sleeping” he chuckled, thinking I was lying.
“I was meditating” I told him as I finally rose to my feet. Sitting in that pose for so long really did a number on me.
“Really?” He sounded so surprised. “Yeah, it’s really hard but I’ve been practicing all night...I actually didn’t even realize the sun came up” I told him.
“Huh, interesting. Maybe your mind really was somewhere else. What happened? Anything different?” He asked me enthusiastically as he noticed my demeanor wasn’t as standoffish as yesterday morning.
“Not much, but it felt like I oddly made progress anyways” I told him, knowing it sounded silly.
“I don’t get it” he tipped his head at me. He can have such an innocent face compared to his gruff Alpha. I hope he never changes. I smiled and linked arms with him as we walked back to the village.
“I think I have to come back again tonight” I told him. He stopped dead in his tracks. “Seriously?! I’m so surprised you’ve taken this so...serious” he scratched at his mop of hair.
“Well, I can’t explain why but I just know I should do it. It’s weird being isolated in the dark, and in a forest at that, but it really forces you to be at one with yourself, as corny as that sounds” I told him.
“I’ve heard others in my pack say the same” he actually wasn’t at all surprised this time.
“So, will you take me back tonight? I know I'm being a pain in your ass and making you walk a lot and wake up so early but-” I didn’t get to finish before he nudged me playfully. “I’ll do it,” he assured me. I’m so thankful for my friend.
“Jasp, I feel like you do a lot for me and I do absolutely nothing for you” I acknowledged something I've thought about a lot in the past. He snorted. “You do plenty. Just being a good friend is all I need” he assured me. I wasn’t satisfied.
“That isn’t enough. You protect me, you do me favors like this all the time, and you are an awesome friend. I really wish I could do something in return” I huffed.
“You have. Just trust me that you’ve been a positive presence in my life. Besides, I might need something one day in the future and then I’ll cash in all my favors” he smirked. It made me laugh.
By the time we got to the village a few people were awake and walking about. I wasn’t expecting to see my Alpha having just come back from a run but there he was in all his glory. Was he even my Alpha? I don’t even know.
“Crap” Jasper cursed under his breath when he saw what I saw.
“Just ignore him” I grabbed Jasper’s arm and started leading him the longer way back to my cottage. I could feel the burn of Devran’s gaze on me but I refused to look at him.
“Jasper” I heard his deep voice call out. He paused at the sound of his friend’s voice calling out to him. “Yeah?” He asked from over his shoulder. When Devran didn’t speak he was forced to turn around.
“You’ve been gone every morning. What’s going on?” He asked his Delta. He had the right to. What he didn’t have the right to do was ask me, which is probably what he wanted to actually do right now.
“Morning stroll,” Jasper answered casually. Devran’s thick dark brows furrowed at him. “A stroll?” He asked. “Yup” Jasper shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at his friend in waiting.
I don’t know why he didn’t tell Devran what he was actually doing. Maybe because he didn’t want Dev knowing my business. Or did he not want him knowing I was going to a sacred wolf ground? Whatever the reason I was glad he wanted his Alpha out of the loop.
I know his loyalty is supposed to be to his Alpha but Jasper has been great at also having an unwavering loyalty to me.
Devran had no choice but to accept this vague answer and he stomped away clearly not satisfied at all.
“He shouldn’t be privy to your life anymore. It was his choice to reject you. Let him stand by that” Jasper turned back to me and continued walking. I was surprised but didn’t comment on it any further.
I wouldn’t have had the chance to anyway because I was noticed by a few members of the community and they immediately surrounded us. I cringed when they asked if I was okay.
Being rejected so publicly meant everyone knew everything. I smiled and told them I was. I wouldn’t let anyone see me wavering.
I’m fine. It doesn’t burn my insides when I see Devran’s face. It doesn’t pull at my broken bond strings when I think of how easily he broke that thing that connected us.
I had felt it break when he formally rejected me and it knocked the wind out of me. It was physically painful. But I was fine. Devran will find a new mate and me...I’ll be fine.
Jasper had to drag me away from the nosey pack members who all asked me a million awkward questions. Inside my house I was relieved.
“I’m exhausted. I’m going to bed” I told him. “Me too” he said, dropping on my couch and throwing his legs up. I shrugged and left him to nap on my couch while I went into my bedroom and plopped down on the mattress.
I’ll need my wits about me if I am going back into the forest tonight for the final day of the full moon.
My sleep was interrupted around noon time when my other best friend had woken herself up and walked down to my cottage knocking loudly on the door. Jasper groaned but I heard him get up to answer it.
“Good morning sunshine” she called out to us. “That’s my nickname for her” he pouted as they both filled my doorway. I groaned audibly this time.
“So how’d it go?” she asked me. I pulled the blanket over my face and it was Jasper who answered her with the same vague answer I gave him. “Sheesh, again?” Melanie seemed less than impressed.
By now we were up to grab breakfast. We wouldn’t be getting anymore sleep now that she was here and wide awake.
“Yup, and you can’t make fun of me for it because it’s the tradition of your own people” I warned her.
“Doesn’t mean I do it, or necessarily believe in it. I think they smoke too much herbs and then make up their own answers to their own questions” she chuckled. Jasper swatted her for disrespecting the belief.
She slid her signature glasses on and gave the ‘sorry not sorry’ expression she’s always wearing.
“We saw Devran” I spoke up to change the subject. She gasped and grabbed my arm for the details. There wasn’t much to say about it but I still told her everything. Jasper made some of the same comments he said to me earlier and for once my two best friends agreed on something.
“He lost all right to you. Jasper is right” Mel nodded. Having my back too. “Wow, you agreed with me on something. Eerie” Jasper shivered dramatically. It made us laugh.
“Diego was poking around when I was walking over here now that I think about it. He is probably doing recon for Dev.” We all scowled.