Chapter 26
I hadn’t realized I didn’t have much in my fridge in terms of making a proper dinner, which I wanted to have since I would be out in the forest all night with nothing to snack on.
So I walked down to the produce market where Ana and her fiancé Mark sold their fresh home grown fruit, and the veggie family of 5 sold their vegetables. I always forgot their names so I called them the veggie family.
Ana is a sweet woman and I befriended them last year when I started helping around town. “Hey! Mira, I’m so glad to see you” the woman’s face lit up when I walked into the modestly built store.
Everything in the wolf village is very rustic and natural.
They built everything by hand with the logs from this forest and the natural clays that substituted cement.
I know they had other stuff from their wolves that went to town but still it was impressive what they’ve created for themselves out here.
I knew Ana looked happy because I knew the town was whispering about me and probably wondering if I was heartbroken or what. I acted completely normal as I grabbed some things for cooking.
“How are things?” She pretended to ask casually. “Good, how are things with you? How’s hubby?” I asked her playfully. She grinned wide. Their mate bond was very obviously intact.
She almost dimmed her smile as if she didn’t want to rub it in. “We’re good,” she said less enthusiastically. I brightened and said that was great. I want people to know I am not breakable.
After that I left the store feeling awkward. I didn’t want to feel awkward here. It’s the first place that has ever felt like a healthy living environment for me.
I stopped dead in my tracks when a body walked up beside me as I walked to my cottage. I was met with the dark eyes and harsher features of Beta Diego with his hands behind his back like he were a grandpa on a stroll.
“Hello” he said simply. “Hello” I responded then continued to walk. “Grabbing groceries?” He glanced down at my reusable bag. I nodded but didn’t play into his lame attempt at gathering information.
“Can I help you with something?” I asked him nicely. I had nothing against the guy and I knew he was just doing his job. What exactly did he want though?
“Oh no, I saw you walk out and thought I’d say hey” he told me. I didn’t buy it but I didn’t argue the fact either. “Well, good seeing you. I gotta go” I tried walking on but he caught up.
“Look...things ended harshly between you and Dev and I just wanted to check in, alright?” He fessed up. I sighed.
“Well, it’s uncomfortable that people are feeling pity for me around town. He rejected me and that’s that. I wish everyone would drop it already” I huffed and made a sharp turn to get to my cottage. He stopped me by the arm.
“It’s completely natural to feel upset even with the bond not intact. If true feelings were involved it can feel a lot like a break up” he tried explaining to me. I scoffed.
“What feelings? Devran has been nothing but an ass to me since the minute he got back here” I reminded this fine Beta. His face went flat. I furrowed my brows and looked more closely at him.
“Why? Is Devran upset?” I turned the tables on him. He stiffened in surprise at the inquiry. “Huh? No. I mean, I’m not saying he was cold hearted, it’s not that he doesn’t care, he just. He’s not, like, upset-upset...” he trailed off and cursed himself.
“It’s fine. I know he doesn’t give a shit. Thanks for trying though” I patted Diego on the shoulder before walking inside. I saw him open his mouth to say something else but I just shut the door.
I felt really bad, feeling rude, but I had to do it. I didn’t wanna talk to Devran’s number two man about any of this. I know Devran broke this off with ease. I know he doesn’t care. He didn’t even care about me when the bond was intact.
He was possessive because he’s an animal and an Alpha but he didn’t care about me. I’m entirely used to it.
-
On our walk to the circle Jasper and I had a good laugh about Diego. I guess he went home and told Jasper how badly he failed at our conversation.
“I asked if he was spying and he said no. He said he thinks you’re a cool girl and just wanted to see if you were alright. If he’s lying I don’t know” Jasper told me.
“Doesn’t matter. I can’t dwell on this. It’s not good for me” I told him. He nodded and ended the subject.
“Well, here we are again,” he told me, stopping at the edge of the circle of trees. “Thanks for walking me for the millionth time” I smiled sheepishly at him.
“Good luck. With what, I don’t know, but just...good luck” he said again before kissing the top of my head and leaving me for the third time.
Just as before the sun had gone down and the moon had come up. I lit all the candles and sat in my meditative pose. Eyes closed. I wouldn’t let myself feel afraid.
I noticed last night I had lost track of time when I really got into this state of meditation and I wanted to reach that again. I had been safe then. I just had to trust I would be again tonight.
Of course my thoughts wandered to Devran first. He was fresh in my mind. He truly is a handsome man. He has the perfect 5 o’clock shadow as dark as his tuft of great hair. His eyes are almost translucent in comparison aside from the one ring of deep blue around his iris.
Straight nose, cheek bones of a model, and of course the perfectly sculpted body of the alpha male he is. He was tanned and beautiful and his lips were soft. It’s the only soft thing about him.
I remember the night I kissed him by accident and how he’d kissed me in return to make us ‘even’. It was intense. Passionate even, but that was the mate bond I guess. It wasn’t real.
I was pretty inexperienced with guys. I had no time for boyfriends. I was so busy with school and work I was too tired to even try.
Of course I had found Devran insanely attractive since the moment I laid eyes on him but even then I was met with a scowl. He never wanted me here. Even the bond couldn’t fix that.
“You really fucked me on that one” I chuckled as I spoke aloud to the Moon Goddess I still wasn’t sure was even real. I started talking. I wasn’t sure why but I felt the need to.
“Moon Goddess, if you’re all knowing then you know where I came from and what I’ve been through. The wolves believe you never make mistakes...which means you put me here for a reason. Why? Just tell me why and let’s be done with it” I said to the sky.
The wind blew and gave me a chill. It’s crisp at night in the mountains. When I sighed, so did the earth as the wind blew with me. Instead of the meditative pose I decided to lie down flat on my back looking up. I stared at the moon for a long time. It’s truly beautiful.
I had a thought that startled me.
I thought, maybe I was receiving answers but I wasn’t looking in the right places. Maybe my stubborn rational was my hindrance. Not everything has to make sense all the time.
Werewolves don’t make sense. But they’re here and they’re real. Maybe answers aren’t so black and white. Am I even asking an outright question? Why am I here? Why are any of us?
We all have free will. There may be a path but we have the freedom to choose left or right. To make mistakes. It makes the path longer but it does not deter us from the destination entirely. We’re on the path. To what? I don’t know. None of us do.
So it is not ‘why am I here’ it is ‘what am I?’ Why would a human be mated to a werewolf? What does that make me?
I smirked at my own thoughts. I felt I was getting somewhere. Whether it was my own voice talking in my head or not I don’t even care. I still listened.
I shut my eyes and began to meditate. With this new found question I needed to meditate again. What am I?
My mind began to wander saying maybe I am just a human and I was meant to bring balance to his strong bloodline. No, be quiet.
I restarted my meditation. Silence. Silence. My mind wandered again. Maybe I am a curse to Devran. Be quiet, start again.
I stopped listening to words and instead started listening to my surroundings. I listened to the wind. I listened to the trees that made sounds due to the breeze. I listened to the noise of the forest at night. Creatures from afar.
A wolf howled somewhere very far away but the echo carried just barely. I listened to my own breathing too. To the sound my fingers made when I toyed with the dirt beneath me.
This hard ground has been my mat for the past three nights. Not comfortable at all but you forget when you start thinking of everything else.
I fought for my mind to listen instead of think. Listen to my own beating heart. Smelling fresh air, smelling soil, smelling my own clothes that were clean with the soap I use.
My eyes were closed so I had no sight but my mind conjured images if I let it. I thought about Devran’s handsome face. I thought about that character of the Moon Goddess that I made up in my mind last night. The beautiful woman.
I pictured her walking to me and when she touched me I glowed too. It would be a warm feeling just below the flesh I bet.
“What am I?” I asked. But maybe it’s not ‘what am I’ but rather, ‘what can I do?’
I confused myself with that logic but thought back on it. What did I mean by ‘what can I do?’ I started to feel like I was in that state between the waking world and falling asleep. That in between that wasn’t alert to reality but wasn’t dreaming.
Why am I here? What am I? What can I do?
I’m not sure why that kept swirling in my head but I let it. I started picturing things. Images came to mind and at first they were seemingly random until I started to piece them together.
It wasn’t an answer in the traditional sense of the word but it was something I hadn’t thought of before which in turn only added to my questions, but almost gave me an answer.
Doesn’t make sense, huh?
But it did make sense. My eyes flew open and my heart was beating really fast. I was confused but curious. The sun was just coming up and I knew it was over now. Three nights of complete isolation and meditation and everything else I did while being alone here and now it’s done.
I stood and leaned over the candles to blow each one out. It’s done. Placing my hand on the altar I silently thanked the Moon Goddess before standing up. As I did the cinnamon tuft of hair came into view and I smiled.
“Oh, you’re up and ready” he noticed the difference from the times before. I nodded yes.
“So?” He asked, but I felt I couldn’t tell him. Not yet anyway. I had things I needed to reflect on first and answer for myself. I just smiled and took his extended arm. I was quiet this morning.
“Are you okay?” He asked, sounding a bit worried. “I am, I’m just reflecting I guess.” It was enough for him to nod and we walked quietly back to the village. It was a peaceful stroll home.
I feared what I thought might be true. What I saw in the images, but I wouldn’t tell him yet. I would sound crazy if it turned out I was wrong and just extremely bored in the chilly forest so my mind was going bonkers with nonsensical ideas.
Like Mel said, just answering my own questions with my own answers. But Jasper respected my decision to be private about my experience there. I felt a lot over these past few nights.
I was surprised to see Gran when I got to the village. She just smiled at me knowingly and continued to walk on.
What was that about? I guess someone told her I kept going out into the forest like she hoped I would. Maybe she could see in my expression that I felt some resolve even if I had no actual answers.
“I’ll let you rest” Jasper interrupted my thoughts. I glanced up at him and said okay before we parted ways. I hadn’t slept all night but I wasn’t as tired as I should be.
I had a lot on my mind and in the privacy of my own home I would explore something I was questioning about myself.
It’s a secret I’m not ready to tell.