34. Is That the Opposite of Over It?
Is That the Opposite of Over It?
LILLIAN
Istare at my phone. At first, I thought the unidentified number was a spam message or some political campaign.
Imagine my surprise when I read the first line.
This is Jesse.
My stomach bottoms out.
I was the one who trashed your cabin. Matt had nothing to do with it. I owe you an apology.
I look away from the screen and scan my empty office. The room is blurry, thanks to the tears flooding my eyes. I didn’t anticipate this. I mean . . . how could I have?
I take a deep breath. I need to see what else he has to say if only to sate my curiosity.
This isn’t about me, though. Matt was going to fly down to LA to find you, but I convinced him not to be a creep and let me do the talking. I know women get weird about the grand gesture thing these days.
I laugh before a tear slides down my cheek.
I promise, he had nothing to do with anything we did. He would never have hurt you, and it’s not an excuse, but that’s what scared me. I thought you were too different from each other. It wasn’t my place to meddle, especially the way that I did.
My heart throbs in my chest.
So, do with that information what you will. I just don’t think it’s fair to my brother for you to go on thinking he’s a bad guy. He’s not. And he really cares for you. So maybe . . . give him a call.
Once I read the last sentence, I navigate to Matt’s contact. I don’t know what to say, or how the conversation will go, but I can’t let another second go by now that I know the truth. I knew he couldn’t have done something like that to me. I just knew it.
I press unblock trying to figure out what to say.
“Dr. Harvey.”
I jump in my seat, nearly dropping my phone. “Dr. Harrison!”
“Did I scare you?” he asks in his dour voice.
Isn’t that obvious? “Sorry, I was just—” I throw my phone into my desk drawer. “Um, did we have a meeting?”
“No, but I wanted to talk to you. Is this a bad time?” he asks, brow hardening.
Shit. I was crying. I rub the wetness away from my cheeks. Hopefully, he’s soulless enough not to notice or care. “No, it’s a great time.”
Dr. Harrison closes the door behind him and steps inside. Of course he won’t take a seat. “I heard you’re looking for approval to go on the coral reef project.”
“Yes. Now that my report is done for Alaska, I thought I could lay the groundwork for next steps, and pass off the project to someone more capable,” I say.
“More capable? You did all the research. Who could be more capable than you?”
I narrow my eyes at Dr. Harrison. This feels like a trap. “I thought I was supposed to find a project after my report was done to?—”
“May I sit?”
“Please.”
Dr. Harrison sits across from me and glances around my office. “I haven’t gotten to commend you on your report in person.”
“Oh. Thank you.”
“It was extremely well-researched and thought out. I have to admit, given how the trip was unceremoniously cut short, I wasn’t sure you’d be able to pull it off, but?—”
“My safety was at risk, Dr. Harrison. I’m sorry if that isn’t important to you, but?—”
“It is,” he says, clear as day.
I blink. “Forgive me, but that hasn’t seemed like a priority since I’ve returned.”
Dr. Harrison says nothing and looks out the window for a moment. “Yes, well, I lack a bedside manner with humans. I’m much better suited to marine life.”
I stifle a laugh. I didn’t know he could be funny.
“The reason I wanted to speak with you, is that . . . given how things ended for you, I wasn’t sure if the report would reflect the severity of the situation. That is to say, I didn’t think it would be so thoughtful.”
“Well, I’m a professional.”
He smiles. “That you are, Dr. Harvey.”
What is going on here?
“It was more than professionalism, though. I’ve read your reports before. They’re always good. Comprehensive, thoughtful, and empathetic in a way that is sometimes elusive in scientific literature. This report, though, felt like it came from a place much deeper.”
I wait for him to say more.
“Not to mention you’ve been very eager and proactive when it comes to finding grants. More so than any other project.”
I say nothing.
“Naknek very much impacted you. Am I wrong?”
“All my projects impact me.”
“Of course.” Dr. Harrison shifts in his chair, crossing his ankle over his knee. “But I’d go as far as to say you wouldn’t have had such a strong reaction to needing to leave if there wasn’t something deeper going on.”
“I’m not sure what you want me to say.”
Dr. Harrison purses his lips and looks away. “I had a similar project when I was younger. Ecological redlines in China. Working on coastal restoration.” He clears his throat. “There was a man I worked with; he was native to the area. A fellow scientist. We became friends. Good friends.”
Is Dr. Harrison opening up to me? I’m so confused, but my attention is rapt.
“And because we got close, I became closer to the area. Learned more about what it meant to the locals. It’s easy for us to see the big picture as scientists.
See all the problems. But it’s not always easy to see it up close.
There’s no better way, though, to understand the subject of our research than with someone who is native to the area, right? ” Dr. Harrison smiles.
Smiles. Who is this man?
“Anyway, when it came time to finish the project, and I was supposed to head back to the States—” He clears his throat. “It was clear the project had become much more to me than the work.”
I wait for him to say more, but he doesn’t. He fiddles with the ring on his left hand. I never thought much about his wedding band before. Maybe in passing, wondering who would put up with someone as cold as Dr. Harrison, but that’s about it. “You wanted to stay?”
“I did stay. The work was important, but it had never been more important to me. So, I left behind my job in the States, and I moved onto the project in China permanently. I like to think I made a big impact because my heart was really in it.” Dr. Harrison is quiet for a moment.
“The only reason we moved back here is because we got tired of hiding. We wanted to be married and out.”
I had no idea Dr. Harrison had a husband. Let alone one he met while he was working. “Do you miss it?”
“All the time. But we make sacrifices, don’t we?” He looks me in the eye. “My point is, through our work sometimes we find a connection to a place that seems unearned or unrealistic. Makes it painful to leave.”
I’m split open by his story. It feels so familiar and raw. The fact it’s coming from him—this man I thought was entirely cold and emotionless—makes it more meaningful.
“Perhaps Naknek was a soul place for you?” he asks. “If I’m off the mark, please tell me and I’ll move on, but?—”
“No, you’re right. It was. I really loved it there. I loved the people, too, for the most part, but?—”
“You were an outsider. I get it.”
I can only imagine his experience in a place that didn’t even speak the same language with cultural differences even more severe than California and Alaska. “I would have stayed if it hadn’t gotten so out of hand.”
And if I’d known Matt had nothing to do with it, maybe I would have stayed. Given Naknek a chance. Given us a chance.
“Forgive me if I’ve been callous to you. I forget what it can be like out in the field.”
“Thank you.”
Dr. Harrison folds his hands in his lap.
“I’ve got a lead on a grant that might be interesting to you.
It’s a tandem plan that provides jobs for fishermen during habitat restoration.
I sent them your report, and they’re quite impressed with your work.
I’m sure they’d love to talk to you.” He gestures to me.
“To you. Do you understand what I mean?”
I do. They want me and my work. Not someone else.
“I’ll send you the information should you want to look over it.”
“I’d like that.”
“You have my approval for Australia if you want, but something tells me you’d like to finish what you started.” Dr. Harrison gives me a small smile before placing his hand on the front of my desk and standing. “You know where to find me.”
“Thank you, Dr. Harrison.”
He nods and then leaves me in my office, leaving me alone again.
I remember my phone in my drawer. I reopen the text message chain with Matt. Except I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I can throw my heart back into Naknek after being so broken by it.
But I don’t like leaving things unfinished. I’ll regret it the rest of my life if I don’t try once more to show Naknek how everything I’ve ever done for that little town is out of love and respect.
I’ll regret it if I don’t do it for Matt.
With shaking hands, I go to type out a message.
I’m sorry. For everything.
The second I walk into Sarah’s apartment; she knows I’m off.
“What’s that face? What happened? Did Dr. Harrison do something to you? Should I go punch him? I will,” she calls out from over a boiling pot of pasta on the stove.
Although my energy is sapped, I explain everything to her as best as I can. I have no idea how to go on or what to do. What more to say.
“So, to recap,” Sarah says, turning down the heat on the stove. “Jesse was the vandal.”
“Yes.”
“Which means Matt had nothing to do with it.”
“Yes.”
“And your boss thinks you should finish the project because, shocker, he has feelings and fell in love with a guy in China.”
“I’m filling in some blanks there, but?—”
“And you texted Matt before you left work and immediately turned off your phone because you’re a crazy person?” Sarah finishes.
This is true. The phone is face up on the counter. Off. I have no idea if Matt replied to my text.
“Lil—”
“I don’t know what to do,” I groan, dropping my head in my hands. “This is all so messed up and confusing. I thought I’d just move on and forget all about it, and you know, hook up with a hot Aussie.”
Sarah scoffs. “You said you weren’t going to mix business and pleasure anymore.”
“That’s not the point! The point is I was moving on! I was getting over it, and now—” I rub the heels of my hands into my eye sockets, stars popping in the darkness.
Sarah’s hand lands on my shoulder. “Hey, I’m gonna say something you won’t like.”
“What else is new?”
There’s a pause long enough to make me pull my hands off my eyes and look up at my sister.
She smiles. “You’re not over it. You’re not even getting over it. You’re very much under it.”
“Is that the opposite of over it?”
“Yup.”
“I hate that.”
Sarah laughs. “Okay, but you’re not saying I’m wrong. So, I think that means you know I’m very, very right.”
I do. And I hate it.
“Why don’t we see what Matt said, huh?” Sarah reaches for my phone.
I tuck my hands under my armpits, or else I might reach out and snatch it from her.
She turns it on and types my passcode. “You want me to read it, or do you want to?”
“He replied?”
“Of course he replied! He’s obsessed with you.”
I tuck my chin against my chest and groan. “You do it.”
“My pleasure.”
I close my eyes and wait.
“No, you should read this.”
“Sarah—”
“It’s for you, Lillian. After all this time, just hear him out, okay?”
I glance up at the screen. Deep breath, Lillian. I wrap my hands around the phone and pull it close to read.
I’m the one who should be sorry for not going after you the second you left. It’s my biggest regret.
“Oh . . .” My eyes fill with tears again. “That’s nice.”
“More than nice. He’s clearly in love with you.”
The tears from earlier return. Tears that I’ve scolded myself for shedding again and again since I left Naknek. Now, I let them fall. Without guilt. I thought I had lost him for the rest of time. And I had no idea just how much I want him.
Sarah comes over to me and wraps her arms around me. And I cry and cry until my face hurts.
“It’s a good thing, Lillian,” she says sweetly.
“I know, but I can’t—I don’t know how I’ll go back there. I want to go back, but I don’t know?—”
“I’ll go with you, obviously. I have vacation days that I need to use anyway,” Sarah says as if it’s the easiest decision in the world.
“Really?”
She kisses my temple. “Really. Besides, I can’t wait to give Jesse a piece of my mind.”
I wind my hand around her arm, leaning into my sister. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“Good thing you don’t have to think about that,” she says. “Now, tomorrow, we’re going shopping. I have to figure out what to pack.”
The rest of the night glows with hope and anticipation. I have a lot of work to do. Packing and planning. Looking into this grant and making sure it all makes sense. But I’ll have Sarah at my side. And even more, Matt and I might get a chance again.