3. Finding Invisible Fault in Everything
CHAPTER 3
FINDING INVISIBLE FAULT IN EVERYTHING
MILES
D elilah is good with Lola, and I hate her for it. My daughter senses good people and connects with them easily as she had my family and friends that have helped me so much, and now, Delilah is at the top of that list.
I have two weeks to settle my mind about her working here for me, and I use them to watch every movement like a hawk. It was never like this when I shared Lola with Kim. I didn’t like everything about her, but Kim was a good mom with Lola.
Why do I resent her for dying so unexpectedly? It wasn’t something she set herself up for, just a tragic freeway accident, but I think about these feelings at night after Lola is sleeping. We weren’t far enough into it for things to go south and start vying for full custody on either side, but life has a way of changing things on you in the blink of an eye.
I see how Delilah chooses only the best food, using my generous grocery budget to purchase healthy food to cook meals. She strays from my meal service and cooks things that Lola loves, though she’s never been picky.
My response is to mention hiring a chef to cook for all of us, insinuating that Delilah’s cooking isn’t up to my standards. The dark looks she gives me make me feel like an asshole and satisfied I’m getting to her all at once.
Lola’s toy corner in the living room changes over a few days with the addition of a small bookshelf and several learning books. Even the toys Delilah purchases are for educational purposes, and she seems to have Lola’s goals in mind as much as I do.
Andrew checks in and I can see that Delilah is annoyed when I tell him everything is good, pretending everything is fine. My family comes over for dinner the weekend after Delilah moved in and the recent additions to Lola’s extensive toy collection surprise Mom.
Of course, she loves Delilah, along with my sister. My nanny doesn’t seem to have anything against cleaning and cooking, but I pay her a lot, so I guess it’s fair.
I have been working out harder in the gym to get ready for strenuous practices, spending hours in my basement. Andrew comes by a lot to join me, and we’ll meet up with the team in the gym at the arena within a few days. Lola misses me, of course. She always has a kiss and hug for me, but she’s happy being with Delilah and I’m not ready for that yet.
I even found fault in her perfectly safe three-year-old SUV that has excellent safety ratings, pouring salt on that wound when I gave her the car seat for Lola. I have one in the garage for when I don’t want to drive the Discovery that she can use, but there’s no actual need for it other than for me to nitpick about something else.
I have a good thing here and I seem set on sabotaging it.
“It seems you have things squared away at home. Do you feel good about this season?”
I look at my coach as he smiles at me. He and the team were there when Kim died, supporting me every step of the way, along with family and friends. There were people that fed us, watched Lola with the tender care she needed after such a tragedy, and the ones that encouraged me that I could do this on my own.
“I am getting used to things at home. It’s difficult just leaving my daughter with a stranger. I have been working out a lot and I think practice will be good for all of us.” I am at the arena in his office for a chat before the chaos begins. I’m the assistant to the captain of the team, who sits beside me, giving me a warm smile.
“Andrew loves Lola as much as all of us, and he wouldn’t recommend his sister if he didn’t believe in her. He says things are great.” Gabe’s words make me look at him, wishing I could agree.
“Getting there.” I know how gruff I sound, but it’s overwhelming how unsettled I feel about all of this. I was never warm and fuzzy to begin with.
We move on to scheduled practices and discuss the new team members. Coach got some good young players that should do well for the team and get us to the finals this year, but we need to decide what to work on with them.
“Want to grab dinner?” Gabe asks as we head out to the parking lot reserved for players.
“I was planning to head home.” I know that Lola and Delilah are there, and I want to see my daughter.
“Come on. Let’s splurge and hit the diner before we really have to discipline ourselves. I can give Andrew a call to see if he’s up for it.” Gabe will not let this go.
“Ok, I’m down. I think he’s at dinner with family.” It’s his dad’s birthday next week, not today. Delilah already asked for the weekend off.
“Meet you there.” Gabe walks to his Jeep and I follow him to the corner diner I’ve been eating at since I moved here in high school along with everyone else in town.
“There are my stars.” We grin at Wendy as she seats us, having known the older woman for years now. “Are you boys going to drop me now that the season is starting soon?”
“I think we’ll have to cut back on the cheeseburgers as much as it pains me.”
Gabe presses a hand to his chest as Wendy chuckles.
“The usual then?” She glances between us and we nod, waiting for our drinks as Gabe looks me over.
“Is it the season or something else that’s eating away at you?” His words are gentle, and I stare at the table thoughtfully. “You’ve been through a lot, Miles. Nobody will argue that.”
“I just have trouble with the idea of leaving Lola behind for any reason. Sure, I have a nanny and she’s probably safe, but last season, I lost her mom. I’m still angry at Kim for that and it’s fucking stupid.” It’s hard to put my feelings into a logical order, and I can’t seem to admit Delilah is good for Lola.
“All justifiable, Miles. You want to just put Lola into a protective bubble and keep her safe.”
“She was sleeping when Kim left to go to the store. They could have both been in the car.” It’s a thought I didn’t let myself process too often. That would have devastated me to pieces if I’d lost Lola. “What if I mess up and something happens?”
“You know we can’t control any of that, but you’re doing your best. Andrew says Delilah is incredible with Lola and they’re both happy. Lola is recovering from everything, Miles. She’ll be okay. It’s a blessing she’s so young.” Gabe smiles his thanks at Wendy as she drops off our drinks.
“A blessing she won’t remember her mom?” I close my eyes at the darkness in my tone. “Fuck. Sorry.”
“It’s okay. That’s a sad fact about this situation, but all you can do is move forward, Miles. Are you ready to play?”
The news had been full of stories about the accident, causing me to become a single father, and fans were both incredible and callous towards me. It was at the tail end of last season and had we been in a spot for the finals, I might have lost it for the team in my state of mind. It’s died down and now everyone is talking about the chance to get the cup this year.
“I’m ready. New season, right?” I meet his eyes with a smile, and Gabe nods back at me. What I can’t say is how much watching Delilah and Lola together makes me feel things for the nanny. Not just the nanny, but the little sister of my best friend. It is wrong on so many levels, and I lean back, sipping the cold water gratefully.
Maybe it will cool off this forbidden desire I feel for the woman my daughter adores.
I decide to hit the gym when I get home to crush the feelings that flood my mind, and we all have dinner at the table. Delilah has been making some of her family recipes, and tonight’s roasted chicken with root veggies and fresh bread is incredible.
She sets a plate ready for Lola to eat before sitting in the chair beside her. Delilah looks tired but happy, like she’s doing something she loves. It doesn’t go unnoticed that dinner is almost completely healthy for my upcoming season.
There’s a discomfort between me and my nanny. She knows I nitpick everything and barely compliment her on anything, but Delilah is a smart woman. She knows Lola is happy and healthy and, more importantly, she’s thriving. I see her take my comments in and try not to respond, but Delilah is going to break at some point.
I wonder if they hurt her feelings as she builds her wall higher. At least, that’s what I think she’s doing.
Dinner is quiet except for the conversations Delilah and I have separately with Lola, and she takes the dishes to the kitchen as I get Lola ready for bed. I won’t be able to do it as often soon and I want to memorize every moment with my daughter.
When I come back to the kitchen, it’s clean and Delilah is sitting at the counter working on her laptop. She glances at me,and our eyes lock before I look away.
“Are you cool with cleaning and cooking and everything besides taking care of Lola? I can get people to do that. Just hadn’t gotten around to it yet.”
I get water from the fridge and feel the tension filling the room.
“You pay me five thousand dollars a month, Miles. That’s more than enough to do what I do around here and it’s not like cooking in this kitchen is something I hate. It’s perfect.” I watch as she looks around at the new top-of-the-line appliances. “I know you find fault in everything I do, and I don’t get it. I want the best for Lola, just like you do.”
“She’s my daughter and nobody cares for her the way I do.” My eyes flash as they meet Delilah’s stunned gaze. “The only person who did is gone and now I have to feel comfortable just leaving her here with you.”
“I understand, Miles. I do. I do everything in my power every day to keep Lola happy and healthy. Why isn’t it enough for you?”
Delilah stands and we square off for a few moments as something other than heat floods my skin. Her eyes flash and the green color gives way to gold flecks this close that mesmerize me. I watch as her chest heaves and hands coil into fists before I step towards her.
I can’t tell her it is enough for me. My daughter is as happy as I’ve ever seen her, which is tragic and wonderful all at the same time. I just don’t want to leave her for more than a few hours a day to play.
Right now, I want to kiss Delilah and she licks her full lips as she sees my eyes locked on them. I step closer, moving my body to where we’re almost touching, and she can feel my breath on her forehead as she stares forward, not wanting to meet my hungry gaze. I feel the heat between us and suck in a breath as I reach out to cup her face.
Our lips are close to touching when Delilah shoves me away, almost making me fall over from surprise. I lean against the counter as she runs down the hall towards her room, closing the door hard enough for me to hear the sound.
What’s happening?