14. How Can This Hurt So Much
CHAPTER 14
HOW CAN THIS HURT SO MUCH
DELILAH
I throw on clothes without showering, eager to get the hell out of this house. Miles did me a favor by offering to take Lola for a walk and I am going into town to do something. I just don’t know what.
Last night took a painful twist when he ended things. A part of me can see where Miles is coming from, but there’s another one that wonders if he feels this between us. It’s amazing and while it just might be sex, I don’t want to give that up.
Is it, though? I’d probably get attached to sex that incredible, and there’s so many reasons that shouldn’t happen.
I drive aimlessly and park in the center of town to wander. I can grab a coffee and some breakfast since I couldn’t handle food in his house. With Miles in the kitchen, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Finding my favorite café, I order and get a table to wait. This place has shelves of books for customers to read, along with comfortable couches and recliners if you don’t want a table. That’s what I love about it, and I look around, wondering if I should just read for a while. It’s not like I had a plan today.
I get my order and choose a purple recliner that in no way matches the colors of the other ones. Everything is vibrant, but the colors are all over the map and I love that. With an old romance in my hand that I’ve read before, I settle in to eat and enjoy my quiet time.
Didn’t I come home for this?
I am rereading the second chapter when I hear my name. Looking up, I see an old friend from school approaching me.
“Colton. It’s been a minute. How are you?”
I force a smile on my face as he sits down in the recliner beside me. He’s always been incredibly attractive, but I was never interested in him as anything more than a friend.
“Great. I heard you’re a graduate.”
“That I am. I just came back to visit the family and decide what’s next. Are you all done with school?”
Colton winces, and I laugh.
“God, no. I’m going to med school soon.”
“You always wanted that. I remember you telling me you wanted to be a doctor when we were in first grade.”
“Well, that was before I knew how many loans I’d be taking out and how long it would take. Everything is easier when we’re young, right? What was your major? Something with therapy, from what I remember?”
He looks tired but happy, and I know Colton is doing what he wants with his life.
“Physical therapy. I could go on and hit graduate school, but for now, I am a nanny for a friend of my brother for a while. The pay is great, and I sort of have my own place when I’m not taking care of Lola.”
I feel my smile when I say her name and know I am staying for that sweet little girl.
“Is that for her or the dad? I’ve heard things about nannies.”
I feel the heat rush to my face and reach for my iced latte to cool down.
“He’s my brother’s best friend, so Lola is my job. She’s amazing. I am not looking to become a scandal.”
“He plays pro hockey, right? I’ve seen him on TV a few times and he’s fucking great. Who is the guy you work for? Does he play for the team?”
Shit. I don’t want to talk about this.
“Miles Adams. They work together out there and it’s epic to watch. We have great seats through the guys.”
“He’s outstanding. I have heard he’s rising in the league.”
“I wouldn’t doubt it.”
Colton orders and joins me as I set down my book, giving up on alone time. We chat about old school memories and our current lives and friends. It’s tedious since my mind is all over the place but also not awful. He’s a smart guy, hence his major, and we’ve always had pleasant conversations.
“Would you want to grab dinner with me sometime, Delilah?”
Everything crashes down as I comprehend his words, and I stare at him. Colton is smiling and looks hopeful. He’s such a sweet guy and easy on the eyes, so there’s no reason to say no.
Miles. He rejected you.
“Dinner? Sure. My schedule is a little crazy with the hockey season, but I can see what I can do.”
“Are you a live-in nanny?”
“Yes, because of the travel schedule.”
We exchange numbers before he leaves to meet his sister and I stare blankly at the floor when I’m alone again. There’s no reason I shouldn’t go out to dinner with someone like Colton. He wants to spend time with me, and the alternative is pining away for Miles, taking whatever scraps he’ll give me.
Screw that.
I continue reading for a while, but I am a mess inside and finally give up, deciding to wander through the shops. Alli is working, so I don’t call her, but I also don’t want to open up about any of this right now.
I return home later that afternoon to find Lola playing with toys while Miles reviews plays on the TV. Drew does this all the time and I smile before I remember where I’m at with Miles.
“Hey girlie.” I lean down to kiss Lola’s hair, and she grins at me before hopping up.
“Lilah! C’mere!”
“Where?”
I follow her to the kitchen to find a delicate vase filled with wildflowers on the counter. I’d recognize them anywhere after hiking all over the place here.
“Did you pick flowers for me? I love them.”
I pick up the little girl and hug her, knowing how much I already love Lola.
“Did you eat lunch?”
When she nods with a big smile, I set her on the counter.
“Want me to make hamburgers for dinner?”
I know Miles has practice tomorrow morning, and he’s leaving for a week after that. Thank God.
“Mom invited us for dinner before I leave town.”
His words wash over me like ice water. They’re cold in tone and he clearly wants to leave.
“We can make burgers tomorrow, Lola. You can help me. Okay?”
“Morrow!”
She claps her hands, and I nod, looking away as I set her on the floor. I can’t look at Miles yet because I am still drawn to him.
“Have a great dinner.”
I walk out of the room down the hall, closing my bedroom door behind me. Miles didn’t invite me to dinner, but why should he? I wouldn’t go even if he had.
“Colton Danver asked you out?”
Alli sounds surprised later that night when she calls to check in.
“Well, he asked me to dinner. Not for me to marry him.”
“He was always so hot in school in that nerdy, intelligent way. He’s probably better now, right?”
“He’s aged well.”
I can’t lie about that. Colton is appealing as a man, but not to me right now.
“When is dinner?”
“Well, the team is gone for a week, which means I am on Lola duty. I’ll have to work that out.”
“She has family that would love to have her for a sleepover, I’m sure.”
“Slow down, Alli. It’s just dinner.”
I can’t imagine being intimate with anyone other than Miles right now, but she’ll never know that.
“Maybe. You never know. I just know that little kids stay the night a lot because they go to bed early and Miles’s family seems like they adore her. Your mom would have her over.”
“I’ll figure that out. He’s got my number so we can talk about it. He’s going to med school like he always said he would. Crazy.”
“Like I said, intelligent hot. I need to look him up because I sure haven’t seen him around.”
We talked a bit longer as I listen to Miles moving around the house. It’s faint, but I am so aware of him and hate every second. I’m sure Lola is in bed, and I turn on my monitor, set up right next to my bed. He has an early flight tomorrow, so I am in charge for a while.
When the call ends, I try a podcast to relax me. I’m showered for the next day and tucked into bed where I should be cozy; maybe the droning of the host will lull me to sleep.
Did his family ask about me and if so, what did Miles tell them? It’s not like we’re besties, but we get along well enough in front of everyone. Did he even miss me?
I turn to my side and close my eyes, reminding myself that my little tornado will be up early tomorrow. Lola will be able to say bye to her dad and then I get to keep up with her. So many things play through my mind, and I try to stop the thoughts.
I get a few hours of sleep and I’m up with Lola at just past six in the morning. Her energy grates on me as I get her juice and fix some breakfast. I suck on coffee like it’s my job.
Miles walks in, dressed for the flight with luggage in hand. I expected that, but my mood plummets at the sight of him.
“My bug is up. I have to go to work for a while. Will you be good for Delilah?”
Miles picks her up and hugs Lola as I watch in envy.
“Mom said she’ll take her if you need a break.”
Miles sounds so nonchalant, and I sigh slowly. We used to have genuine conversations, didn’t we?
“I am trying to plan a dinner date, so I’ll keep that in mind.”
Shit, shit, shit. Why did I say that? I look to see his face set in a scowl for a moment before he closes his eyes.
“A date? That was fast.”
Is he jealous after kicking me out of his bed?
“Old friend from school. It just happened.”
I shrug casually to pretend I don’t care about what he thinks.
Miles mutters something before kissing Lola all over her face, telling her he’ll call her to say good night. She calls after him as he leaves to meet the team, but she seems to be okay with him going. Lola is also pretty young and likely doesn’t understand what’s happening.
I get her back to the table and give her eggs and strawberries before pouring myself more coffee. There’s no way I can eat after that, whatever that was.
The day is filled with a long walk outside so she can show me the flowers and puzzles at the table before she takes her nap. I’m ready to drop by then so I crawl into my bed, leaving the door open and the monitor on.
I sleep fitfully, replaying this morning in my mind. Miles seemed so irritated, and that makes me think he still wants us to happen. He’s a gorgeous, rich hockey player and wouldn’t have any issues getting a woman in bed with him, so does he only want me like I do him?
Maybe he’ll move fast and hook up with someone on the east coast during their trip. I know from Drew there isn’t a ton of free time, but sex doesn’t take that long.
Complicated.
Lola wakes up before I’m ready for her and I keep it low key, just playing inside before dinner. There isn’t a game tonight, but I’ll turn on the one that’s on tomorrow afternoon to watch as much as I don’t want to. She needs to see what her dad does and get to know the sport a lot more over the next few years.
After she’s sleeping in bed, I lie on the couch with the TV on just to make myself think this house isn’t so empty.