24. Reality
CHAPTER 24
REALITY
DELILAH
G od, I’m tired. I know I have been pushing myself when Miles is home, but is it normal to want to sleep every time Lola is down?
Maybe I am just catching up.
I make sure that Miles gets his time with Lola when he’s on the road, but when she’s asleep, I generally am as well. The text chats are awesome and who doesn’t love getting off? I’m just tired at night.
Come to think of it, I feel hornier than usual besides being fatigued. Great combo.
The thing is when I watch games with Miles, I can see he’s not as good as he normally is out there. It’s not as though he’s causing losses, but he and my brother are a critical team out there.
I try to think back and determine if he’s better when we’re keeping in regular touch. When he’s home, we don’t sleep a lot at all, and I know it affects both of us. I’d say we’re happy but just always behind on sleep, though I have the luxury of being home with Lola. I can nap and believe me, I do.
Miles is practicing, working out hard, and playing games. I’ve noticed he’s dropped the home workouts a bit because we exercise together in his eyes, and it worries me. I can’t be the reason he gets thrown off his game, which is his career.
It’s his life and Lola is his daughter. Who am I?
“So, how are you this week? I’ve been busy with work.”
Allison called me after work and since Lola was sleeping and I’m alone, I took the chance to catch up.
“I’ve been tired. Of course, Lola is a bundle of energy, and I am going all day, but it’s been a little worse. I feel like everything has been off.”
“Is anything different? With Lola or the day? Are you skipping meals like you did in college?”
I laugh at the memory of getting so hungry I’d almost pass out when I was studying for something.
“No, it’s not like that. I just don’t feel hungry for anything in particular, and it’s the opposite. I force myself because I need energy, but nothing seems that satisfying.”
“Food aversions?”
“What is that?”
I know damn good and well what they are and my heart races in my chest. Alli doesn’t know about Miles, and I don’t want to tell her or anyone else. She’s just being paranoid.
“If I brought over chocolate ice cream, what would your reaction be?”
My stomach twists in distaste and my eyes widen. I love rocky road ice cream and it’s my go-to for everything. Why does it sound so awful right now?
“You know me. I’d love it, but sherbert sounds good, too.”
“Sherbert? When have we eaten that and watched a movie? Are you ninety?”
“Of course not. Fruity isn’t a bad thing, Alli.”
“Are you still drinking coffee like an addict? I might need to come check on you.”
Oh, my God. I cut back this last week because it didn’t sound as good, and I’ve been drinking diet soda. It’s a terrible habit, but hot coffee just doesn’t sound good, especially with all the creamer.
“I’ve been leaning more towards carbonation and caffeine. I like to change things up.”
“I think we need to talk, Delilah. Come clean to me.”
“About what?”
“I have thought about it for a while anyway, but are you sleeping with Miles? There’s just something in the way you look at that man on TV. They show family a lot, you know.”
I freeze, unsure of what to say. How do I tell my best friend that I have been sleeping with him for weeks now? We usually talk about everything.
“Delilah? Are you there?”
“Oh, Alli.”
I sigh and lean back on the couch.
“I didn’t know how to tell you since it’s this big secret.”
“I know you, so it really isn’t to me. How did this happen? Was it after the near kiss in the kitchen?”
“Yeah. It just kind of happened, and we didn’t stop. Well, we did for a little while and there was miscommunication and a lot of awkwardness. But we started again, and it’s just gone on. The sex is unlike anything I’ve ever had, but that isn’t saying a lot with my limited experience.”
“Are you careful?”
“I am on the pill and have been for years, Alli. We’re both clean.”
“The pill isn’t perfect, Delilah. You know that and so does he. Miles has a daughter that I’m guessing was unexpected?”
“I am not pregnant, Alli. Just off. Now that you know the truth, imagine how crazy things are around here.”
“I can only imagine trying to hide it from everyone, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So, you have time when Lola is sleeping because he is careful with her and then you lose sleep.”
“Maybe that's why I’m tired. I didn’t do well in college on that schedule.”
“A part of you doesn’t want to know? I’d need to clear it up to feel some peace.”
“Well, it would be negative because that’s not it. I am like clockwork.”
I pride myself on my discipline in life. I take vitamins at the same time every morning and pills at the same time every night. It’s a control thing with me.
Wait. Did I skip them a couple of times before falling asleep on the couch with Lola? That wouldn’t cause pregnancy after being on them for so long. I added them to my morning vitamins.
“Nothing is like clockwork. Have you been nauseous?”
“Mildly when I make certain things, but not so much that it prevents me from cooking. I just ignore it.”
“Those are three gigantic signs, Delilah. I think you need to face the music and take a test.”
“No. I can’t. It can’t work in real life.”
“You can handle that when you know the truth. Can you get away for a while and I’ll do it with you? I think it can be an emotional moment and Lola shouldn’t be around. She really is a smart kid.”
“I’ll see what I can do. Brynn was talking about some outing she wanted to plan, so I’ll get that rolling. I guess you’re right.”
“Call me when you know more, but stay calm. It might not be that at all. You just need to know for sure.”
Brynn is busy with school and can’t do movies and ice cream until the end of the week. I play it casually and tell her I’m meeting my best friend for dinner, but inside, my stomach is in knots.
It’s harder when I talk to Miles, but I keep that brief. He’s on a road trip, so it’s mainly his chats with Lola, but I chime in here and there to say hi. He’s expressed concern about how often I’m sleeping, and I brush it aside.
I throw it back and tell him he needs to focus on his job. He mentioned his captain pulled him aside to tell him as much, and I agreed. Everything is fine here, and Lola is happy.
I know he wants more when he sends texts late at night for both of us. I’m awake sometimes but ignore them because here in his bed, I am vulnerable. I started sleeping in his room after one of our phone sex chats for atmosphere, but now I love smelling him all around me. Miles has this outdoor scent about him mixed with some mint; I assume he uses a body wash, but it’s also just him.
I’d know if he walked into a room behind me from that scent, and that’s not a good thing.
Thursday comes, and Brynn picks Lola up for a few hours, even suggesting a sleepover. I agree, since I might need a night to recover, and we pack a small bag before I wave them off.
I leave to go to Alli’s small house, stopping at a store along the way. I pick one that’s not in the center of town and more for a particular neighborhood on the outskirts, but they have what I need, and Alli has snacks at her place. There’s wine if I’m allowed to drink and if this turns out in my favor, I will be celebrating.
It’s embarrassing purchasing pregnancy tests even if we’re all strangers. I feel like I am throwing my personal life on that belt for the cashier to judge. I am obviously young and there’s no ring on my finger, but that means nothing. I could be in a serious relationship without being marked.
I’m not, though. I am sleeping with my boss who is my brother’s best friend.
When I get to Alli’s house, she lets me in and hugs me tight. I drop the bag to the floor and cry, since it’s too hard to hold it in.
“It’s okay. We’re doing this together, Del. I am here for you, no matter what.”
We’ve talked a lot since I admitted my tryst with Miles to Alli, and I’ve told her more about it. It feels surprisingly good to talk to someone else and let everything out, even though she’s honest in her responses.
Alli has been watching games a little closer and noticing how Miles is playing with some distraction. She isn’t a big fan of any sport, but watches a few games and you can see things.
She wonders if he thinks I’m pulling away, meaning he has feelings for me we haven’t discussed yet. Alli accuses me outright of having them for Miles and hell, I can’t lie to her.
“What do we have here?”
Alli opens the bag and pulls the four boxes out, examining each one.
“I wanted to be sure and maybe this will help? I don’t know a damn thing about these tests.”
“They are fancy. Did you drink any water?”
“On the way.”
“I have more. You’re doing all of these.”
I take the bottle she offers me and take a large drink as we sit on the couch in the cozy living room. I should finish this to ensure I’ll be able to use all four of them, even if I don’t want to.
“What do I do if it’s positive?”
I hate saying the words out loud. Positive means Miles and I will be parents on some level, and everyone will know the truth. He wouldn’t lie to his family about a baby he fathered, nor would I ask him to. I also am not exactly out there dating anyone. Andrew will lose his shit and I don’t know how the families will act.
When there’s enough pressure on my bladder, we get the tests ready to go in the bathroom and I close the door. I love Alli, but I need to pee in private. It’s bad enough Lola wants to follow me in and often does.
I am careful with each one, setting it on the counter when I’m done. I am trying to be clean since this isn’t my place. We determined ten minutes would be a good time to check all of them to tell me my future.
I don’t want to look. I’ve never been a person who doesn’t face life head-on, but now that is just what I want to do. This isn’t a college class or a job. This is forever because I don’t think I have it in me to give a part of myself to another family, not to mention it’s Miles’s baby, too.
It would be if I were pregnant, which I am not.
I walk into the living room with Alli staring at me.
“They’re all processing. Is that what you call it?”
“Why not? Ten minutes.”
“The longest ten minutes of my fucking life. This was supposed to be a future me that’s married and so excited about a family, not this version.”
“It’ll be okay.”
Alli wraps her arms around me as we sit in silence for the next few minutes, while I panic. When enough time has passed, she takes my hand, and we walk into the bathroom to face the truth.
Pregnant across the board.