26. Spinning Out
CHAPTER 26
SPINNING OUT
DELILAH
I watch Miles leave the house as my ears ring, clutching the counter to keep me standing. Why did I tell him that? The plan was to sit down and just talk it out so we could have the time to sort through it.
He asked me about coffee, and I almost lost my mind, running to take a nap at the first suggestion. I was tired, but I left the kitchen as fast as possible to get away from him. It was such a good sleep and something I needed, but reality came back quicker than I expected it to.
I have an hour or so before Lola wakes up. In that time, I need to calm the fuck down and figure this out, so I start by taking a long drink of my cold water. I cried all night when I found out about the baby and Alli didn’t leave my side. It felt like enough tears for a lifetime, but there is plenty more to come and I wipe one away now.
Andrew will want to kill the man that caused this before he finds out it’s Miles, but that might cause an explosion big enough to rock the world. My parents will accept it, but it might be hard after seeing me go for my dreams for so many years. I never let a man get in the way and it feels like I’ve failed myself right now. I already put my job in jeopardy, and Lola’s feelings, by getting involved with Miles, and now she’s going to have her entire life changed.
Again.
I’m not stupid and know Miles won’t walk away from this or leave me to deal with it alone. He adores Lola and as far as I know, he was all in with her from the beginning. Miles is a good man and he’ll support me and the baby, but we can’t hide the fact he’s the father. I don’t want to lie to my family and once the dust settles, things will be okay.
Right?
This is already hard with the scattered bouts of nausea. I’m still cooking for Lola, but I hate every second and barely manage bites myself. Alli keeps telling me the baby needs nourishment and I know that, but it’s too hard to eat.
When he gets over this, Miles is going to be worse. He’s going to monitor everything I do and I curse at the mere idea of it.
I need to move and distract myself, so I go into the living room to clean Lola’s corner, which spreads more by the week. Brynn bought her a bunch of stuff when she had her, and I am always picking up new things for Lola when they catch my eye.
I place the books on the new shelves I bought, carefully organizing them by the sizes even though it will be a mess again by tonight.
I am going to be a mom.
I clean the toys, sorting them into a side for dolls and one for stuffed animals. She’s growing out of baby toys now, so I have gone through them and made a corner for her little laptop and other learning toys. One end of the couch is right there, so that’s where she sits when Lola doesn’t prefer the floor and I added a cute pillow and blanket to make it her own.
I bought a bluetooth speaker to play her favorite songs on my phone when we play and have our dance parties some evenings and I’ve made so many playlists for Lola. I love that little girl and might lose her now. Can I love my baby that much?
Will they know each other?
This is awful and I wipe my face again.
Lola wakes up and I fix her an easy lunch before Miles comes back to quietly take over. He doesn’t tell me to leave, but I know he’s not ready to talk yet by his demeanor. He’ll be at practice tomorrow and everything will be a little more normal with just me and Lola here.
I could leave, but I curl up in bed and quietly cry over everything that’s happened. At the end of the day, I know Miles will do right with his kids and take care of them both. He’s just that kind of man based on how he is with Lola, and he shared custody of Lola with her mom when she was alive.
He’d never try to take this baby away, would he?
This baby needs the love of his family as much as Lola does, and I want them to know their sister, no matter how things are between me and Miles. It kills me to think about being without Lola, but he’d never separate siblings.
I call Alli to tell her what happened quietly, crying through the conversation. I need someone and she knows everything so far.
“He hasn’t spoken to you since? I mean, it’s still the day he found out and what a shock.”
Alli has a point, and I want to give Miles the space he needs to sort through all of this, but I live here with him.
“I know. That’s why I’m hiding here. He needs time with Lola before work starts up again tomorrow.”
“Think you’ll still work there?”
“I hope so. Especially now since I can save so much money to afford the baby when I get a place. I am not going to be the woman that demands money from Miles because we share a child. Help, yes. But I don’t want to live in a mansion on his dime and I can still get a job in my field.”
“Did Kim live in a mansion?”
I thought about that for a moment and realized I never heard what kind of home she had.
“I don’t know, but it probably was in a good area for the sake of Lola. There’s a lot I don’t know about Kim. I just hear snippets here and there.”
“Well, you might get into it now.”
She’s right. We’ll have to talk so much more now and get deeper than either of us wanted to.
I end up falling asleep and wake up past ten o’clock, shocked at how long I slept. This baby is draining me, and I sit up, worried about Lola. Grabbing the monitor, I turn it on to see her sleeping peacefully in bed and sigh in relief.
Miles is in the house somewhere. He’d never leave her here, but I have heard no knocks at my door. Either way, I am thirsty and sneak to my door, opening it up to listen. I’m closest to the kitchen and realize the light is off, so maybe I can run in for water and snacks without getting caught.
This is ridiculous. If I am going to work here, I’ll need to see Miles. Still, I pad down the hall, listening the entire way. It’s quiet so I pad into the kitchen to grab water and some grapes, opening the door to the basement to hear loud rock music playing.
He’s working out, which means he’s stressed out.
I know Miles has practice tomorrow later in the morning, so I am going to get up with Lola as I normally would. Nothing will change for that sweet little girl unless he fires me and orders me to leave his house. Miles has that right, but he knows how happy she is and his life will not get simpler with his career.
He’ll make the right choice for Lola.
I sit against my pillows and turn on the TV. I’ll be awake for a while and might as well kill time. Glancing at my phone, I see texts from my family, but I can’t respond. Until this is out, I’ll feel terrible lying to anyone in my family. There aren’t any from Miles and I think back to last night in his bed. That’s probably the last time we’ll ever share that kind of intimacy again, and it felt fantastic.
I’m sure it had a lot to do with pregnancy hormones, but it wasn’t ever just sex with Miles. Not for me. I hate admitting that now, but I was drawn to him and once we slept together, that was it for me. I tried to be strong and failed and being horny and pregnant around him now is going to be torture.
Dating while pregnant with someone’s baby sounds difficult. How would anyone handle that? The fact it is Miles Adams’s baby is even worse.
I wake up to the sound of Lola singing in her room, turning my head to see the clock. I slept for another six hours and rush to get clean clothes on and tame my hair before walking down the hall to her room.
Miles’s door is closed, and I open hers with a smile.
“Good morning!”
She smiles at me, waving a doll in the air.
“Let’s get some clothes and I’ll make breakfast.”
Normally, I choose clothes the night before, so I hurry to find leggings and a comfy sweatshirt since it’s cold outside. I feel off and tell myself I’ll be fine. I can handle this.
In the kitchen, I get into my routine, and it calms me some after I get her juice ready. Feeling adventurous today, I make some French toast and sausage for breakfast and even make a small plate for myself. I skipped dinner last night and my stomach isn’t happy with me.
My baby isn’t happy with me. Miles’s baby.
I even fix coffee for Miles, though I’m not ready for that yet.
He’s still not out when we sit down to eat, and my nerves make my stomach knot and appetite fade. I force myself to take some bites and sip my juice, since it seems to settle my stomach.
When I finally hear footsteps, I jump. I’m washing dishes while Lola plays in my sight and I don’t turn around. Everything is normal and we’ll go on as long as I don’t look into his eyes. I still feel his presence and hold in my sigh.
There’s a long pause and I hear a cupboard open before Miles pours coffee and goes into the living room to talk to Lola.
“I am going to practice and then I’ll pick up Lola for dinner at Mom’s tonight. Around five.”
There’s no invitation for me and I nod, feeling a void in my heart.
“She’ll be all ready to go.”
He kisses Lola goodbye and though I feel his eyes on me, I pretend I’m still washing dishes and not obsessing about his next move. When he passes me to go into the garage, I hold back my shiver until the door closes behind him.
Miles smells so good, and I remember the nights I slept in his bed alone, just for that scent.
I go about my day, playing with Lola and having our little school session, which is when we use learning toys I help her with. There are so many good ones out there and this kid is going to be ready for school if I have anything to do with it.
It feels like forever before her nap, but I turn on a nature show about the ocean to watch, needing to relax before she falls asleep. It’s part of her learning, anyway. When she’s asleep in her bed, I yawn and decide to take one myself.
This is my life for now.
Lola wakes up and I get her before making a quick lunch, nibbling on some fruit as she eats. I’m still sleepy but assume that’s how it’s going to be for the time being. I’ll learn to live with it, and we take a short walk after lunch since the wind has died down for a while.
I rush her inside to get into clean clothes, selecting a cute pair of toddler jeans and a pretty purple sweater. Purple sneakers complete the outfit and I brush her hair, loving the softness of it.
What will the baby’s hair feel like? I want to hug Lola tight and never let her go, but I lean back and smile down at her.
“Daddy will be home soon to take you to dinner. Let’s wait in the living room.”
Later that night, as I relax in my room alone, Brynn sends a message telling me she’s sorry I didn’t feel well. She also tells me I’m invited to ride to the game with them, making me groan.
This gets more complicated by the day.