28. Us?
CHAPTER 28
US?
DELILAH
U s? Does Miles want an us? I’ve had daydreams about it, but that’s all they were.
“Do you want there to be an us, Miles?”
“I’ve never felt this way about someone. A baby certainly shakes things up, but let’s take it day by day and see what happens. I’ll never stop supporting you and the baby, no matter what happens.”
His eyes are so gorgeous and sincere, and I want to dive into them. My body propels me forward and I take a careful step in his direction.
“Okay. Are you sure? I know you tried this with Kim, and it failed.”
“I’ll never regret Lola, just like I won’t regret this new baby no matter what happens. I wasn’t meant to stay with Kim, and it worked out the way it was meant to. It’s tragic she died, but I can’t change it and I am going to make Lola’s life great because of it.”
“We’re still keeping it between us?”
I don’t want to see what will happen with Andrew yet, or the faces of my parents. They never imagined this for me.
“It’s a good idea while we figure out doctors and everything. Imagine how involved everyone will get when we tell them.”
He smiles and I think he’s happy for a second.
“Andrew?”
“We’re adults, Delilah. He needs to understand that and if anyone knows how much I love my daughter, it’s your brother. Andrew will have to deal with it.”
I have always focused on school and my career. Even this job was to save money to get a place and start in my field before I got distracted by Miles. A baby is such a road bump for me I can’t wrap my mind around it some days, but Miles has been through this and lived to tell the tale.
“You’ve done all of this. I should learn from you.”
I smile and Miles shrugs.
“It’s not easy and never will be. I depend on my family a lot and will be forever grateful to them and your family is amazing, too. We will love him or her completely and receive help. There will be two kids in the mix, so I imagine it only gets tougher.”
“Oh, God. I didn’t think about that.”
I laugh and it comes out in longer bursts to where I have to sit down on the couch. This is ridiculous and wonderful all at once and Miles joins me, sitting a few feet away.
“I don’t know what’s so funny or why I’m laughing. This is serious.”
“It is, but you’ll be okay, Delilah. We all will.”
I nod and take a deep breath as I look at Miles. He’s going to give me a beautiful baby and will be a great dad. He wants me. We’ll get through this.
The week passes quickly. Miles entrusts his team captain to the news and his wife watches Lola when we go to the doctor on Friday in a very nondescript building with everything new and high tech in the office. The woman is kind and answers all my questions reassuringly, not making me feel rushed at all. We do an ultrasound and find out I am ten weeks along and looking healthy.
The heartbeat is this whoosh sound, and it amazes me that I am growing a child. Of course, it’s mostly a blob now and there’s not much to see, but that little beating heart means everything to me. We get some pictures and leave to go to his car in the quiet parking garage.
“I can’t believe this is inside of me.”
I stare at the images and let myself feel overwhelmed for a moment.
“Do you want a boy or a girl this time, Miles?”
“I pictured a boy at the game when you brought Lola to the glass, but I don’t care. It will be great either way.”
He looks at the pictures with a soft smile that melts my heart.
“You imagined a boy.”
I laugh, not believing what I’m hearing. I just wanted Miles to accept the baby and never expected him to be so involved.
“Yeah. I saw you with an older version of Lola and this baby boy in your arms at the glass, smiling as you watched me interact with them. He looked like both of us and it was kind of perfect.”
This might work. I don’t know how, but it might. We’re in his bed every night if he’s home, but life is normal aside from that. I take care of Lola as much as ever and seeing her as a big sister makes me smile all the time.
I’m blessed when I feel better in the second trimester, but we’re still hiding it from everyone else. We’re at a point where it’s safe to make the announcement, but I feel so scared about it.
Andrew comes by for dinner one night, settling in the living room with Miles and Lola while I finish a pot roast in the kitchen. It feels great to cook again without being nauseous and unable to eat a meal, and I listen to them in the living room.
“Gabe said he had Lola over when you had something to do. Are they replacing me and the family?”
I am still at my brother’s words and waiting for Miles to respond.
“Not at all. His daughter is close to Lola’s age, so we thought they might have fun together. He’s a friend as well. I should hang out more with the guys who have kids.”
Casual. Believable.
“Probably. She’s at that age. They had a good time?”
“Totally. It might become a thing.”
“Del’s good? There isn’t something wrong?”
My heart sinks again and I close my eyes.
“She’s fine. She had some plans, and I’m not a total ogre.”
Hiding this is hard. I hate lying to everyone and I set the salad aside and reach into the oven to pull out the tray, forgetting mitts in my distraction.
“Ouch!”
I jump back as Miles comes running into the kitchen.
“What happened?”
“Forgot oven mitts.”
He grabs some and takes the pan out as I rinse my hands with warm water, frustrated with myself.
I cry as I finish up the dinner with aching hands and my brother stares at me. My hormones have been crazy, and this happens over nothing, but I play it off.
“What’s wrong, Delilah? You seem so emotional lately.”
Andrew is looking sharply at me, and I shrug as I wrap my hands in damp towels.
“I feel dumb because I burned my hands like that. Do you know how hard that’s going to make my week?”
“I guess, but crying isn’t your style.”
“You didn’t see me in college when I was stressing out. What do you know?”
Miles gets Lola settled at the table and I sit down beside Lola while Andrew takes the seat across from us. I share a look with Miles, and I know he thought something worse happened in the kitchen with his eyes. He’s a little much about making sure I’m safe.
“This is so good, Del. You cook a lot like Mom.”
Andrew takes another large bite of meat and vegetables as I watch Lola shove a diced carrot in her mouth.
“I learned from the best. Gram taught her, after all.”
It feels good to eat, though I make a small plate. I snack all day now and don’t want to gain too much weight, but everything sounds good.
The guys talk shop over the meal, and I listen, eating slowly as I monitor Lola while she eats. I’m already thinking about the carrot cake in the fridge and sigh as I realize I am addicted to food.
I am careful about my reactions to anything after that. I can cry in the house alone. Miles can see it. Maybe I’m paranoid, but it feels like everyone is watching me right now. I go to games with the families, try to watch as many away games at the house as I can, and sleep whenever I’m not going. That hasn’t gone away too much, and I have to be careful, so I have enough energy to get through the day without asking for too much help.
That might be so obvious.
I stay awake with Miles at night when he’s home because I can’t get enough of him. The damage is done, so all caution is gone apart from him trying to be careful because of the baby. He knows sex isn’t dangerous, but the man worries until I convince him I’m not made of glass. I want him until I pass out beside him and when he’s gone, I come every night with his texts and voice if I’m lucky. This is a bonus of pregnancy when you live with a hot hockey player and something I’ll never take for granted.
There is one morning when Lola leaves her room before I’m out of Miles’s bed and I rush to dress. I knew pushing it too far would happen and here I am running into the hallway as she’s approaching the door.
“Daddy?”
Lola points to the door and I glance back to where he’s still passed out after a late game.
“He’s sleeping, Lola. Daddy will join us later. Want some breakfast?”
I spent that meal worried because her vocabulary is so much better, and Lola doesn’t have a filter like so many toddlers. She doesn’t know what she’s saying sometimes, but her mentioning I came out of Miles’s room one morning would speak volumes for anyone that hears it. Why would I be in there when I have a room across the house?
I am approaching my fourth month and I know time is running out because I’m getting thicker. Not showing, but headed there, and I hide it with sweaters and jackets since it’s cold out. Miles loves to kiss my little bump at night, and it makes me smile, but I hide it from everyone else except Alli. She even comes to appointments when Miles is away and I know she’ll be the best aunt.
I want Brynn there, too, and our moms, especially when we’re closer to finding out if the baby is a boy or a girl. That’s just about a month away now and I can’t hide this forever.
“I think we should tell everyone.”
We’re in bed one night after a strenuous round of sex and I’m on my side, looking at Miles.
“I guess it’s that time. To me, it’s obvious, but I suppose knowing helps.”
“How should we do it?”
“I’d suggest a family dinner and just throw it out there. Andrew will get upset, but he’ll also deal with it if he wants to be a part of this baby’s life.”
“He’s your best friend and teammate. Are you worried about this messing things up with the team?”
“That’s been a big issue for me. I do everything for the team and Andrew, but this is something that will only improve my life. Who wouldn’t support that?”
I wish I believed that, and as he reaches over to stroke my nipple, it makes me forget everything.
We’re at the next home game and sitting in the usual seats, waiting for the game to start. It’s been a few days since our talk and Miles wants to plan a family dinner. I’m nervous just thinking about it and get lost in thought as Lola goes to Brynn for some snacks.
“Delilah?”
I blink and come crashing back to earth, gazing at Miles’s sister.
“Yeah?”
“Were you sleeping in my brother’s room? Lola just told me she saw you there.”
Shit. Lola caught me in there when Miles got up with her and she got through the door before he could close it. It wasn’t the first time she had seen me near his room, and I knew I was being careless.
What can I say? I’m busted, aren’t I?
“I’ve thought you seemed different lately. If you and Miles are seeing each other, I get it. He needs a woman that’s more like you with Lola and everything going on in his life. Just so you know, she’s talking a lot and better than ever.”
“I know. We have been seeing each other for a bit, but just keeping it between us.”
We’re alone and I feel I can talk to Brynn. Everyone else went to the snack bar after her seeing popcorn made them hungry, even with a big dinner.
“He looks happy. I love that.”
Her smile is everything and I want to tell her about the baby. I’m feeling more pregnant every day now and it’s exhausting hiding it.
“Good. That’s what I want.”
I wonder what Lola has said to anyone else when they return. They share snacks and I take her to the glass to see Miles before the game begins. He touches it with a smile meant for both of us and I can’t help but heat up, feeling so many eyes on us.
I see myself holding a little boy in my mind as Lola dances at my feet and Miles looks on. Suddenly, I want this more than anything. He tells Lola he loves her, but his eyes skim my face before he finishes the words and I see the look there.
As Andrew calls out to Miles, he loses the moment by turning his head. I swallow the lump in my throat and walk back to the seats, sitting beside Lola as I keep seeing his face. Miles loves me. I’ve been crazy about him for a while but didn’t think he’d feel that way.
The next few hours are full of action, and I watch as the teams skate back and forth on the ice, fighting for dominance of the puck. Miles is relentless as he chases people with Andrew, ready for a pass near the other team’s goal, and they score the first one together.
We’re all up in our seats cheering with every other fan in the arena. Lola dances beside me because she’s soaking it all in and I feel dizzy for a second. I sit down, taking a deep breath as my head clears and I reach for my water.
“Are you okay?”
Linda leans over me, looking into my face.
“I just got dizzy. Maybe I stood up too fast in the excitement. I’m fine.”
I sip water and feel it slide down my throat, willing it to make me feel better. This hasn’t been an easy pregnancy but hardly a difficult one. I’ve been keeping up with Lola with naps and it’s been good.
“Do you want to go back to the house?”
Linda presses me, and I frown at her. It doesn’t sound terrible to rest somewhere quiet, but this is Miles’s game. It’s going so well, and I want to see what happens.
“I can take care of Lola just fine.”
I look at Brynn as she speaks up and I sigh.
“We can get a car home and leave the SUV. The game is on TV.”
I really want to see the rest of the game and that makes me feel better. We stand and explain I’m not feeling well and that Linda is going to take me back to the house.
Once we’re in the back of a sedan of some sort, I lean back and close my eyes.
“I feel so bad leaving. That game was incredible.”
“You look so tired, honey. Have you been getting enough sleep?”
I consider how to respond for a moment.
“I try. You know how active Lola is.”
It’s not until we’re settled on the couch in front of the huge TV with tea that Linda turns on the game. The score is tied now, and I lean forward anxiously as Miles heads down the ice with the other team chasing him.
“Come on.”
I yell at the screen as someone tries to check Miles into the boards, watching Linda wince.
“I’ll never get used to that.”
She shakes her head, and I smile sympathetically at her.
“I can only imagine. Mom always had a hard time watching Andrew, but she loves that he’s happy.”
“I have been coming to some conclusions lately, Delilah. There’s no judgment here, but are you involved with Miles?”
“We’ve been seeing each other for a while quietly. It could be considered a risky situation.”
“You’re wonderful with Lola and that means the world to me. I think you are good for Miles and Lola. She told me you were taking a nap in his room a couple of days ago.”
“Oh, God. I have been dreading that and feel like I should have been more cautious. She’s old enough to think something is strange.”
I blush at the idea of his family knowing I’m sleeping in his bed. They know what happens there, but since we’re telling them about a pregnancy, it will be kind of obvious. Maybe this is a good place to transition into that, but Miles isn’t here.
“We’re all adults, Delilah. If you put Lola first and keep her safe, do what you want to do. Miles has been happy lately. For a while, he seemed so touchy and distracted.”
That would be when we were having issues, I imagine.
The game picks up and we focus on it, yelling as the other team scores and then cheering when Andrew gives them another lead. I imagine sitting and watching him play with Lola and our baby down the line as they both grow up. I might be here for his first Stanley Cup and other important games.
I smile at the idea of it, and Linda glances over at me.
“How far along are you, Delilah?”