Chapter 25
Relax. Nessa won’t care how bad it is , Murphy silently reminded himself, carrying his mate from the living room and into the large bathroom attached to her bedroom. She was a slight weight in his arms, the feel of her warm body pressed against his easing some of his building apprehension.
A large vanity sat along the far wall, soft lighting coming from the fixtures located just above an oval mirror. Across from it was a small Jacuzzi bath and a shower stall. It wasn’t a large space, and he knew both of them fitting in there would take some maneuvering, but it was doable.
His throat dried, dread gnawing at his gut like a rabid animal, demanding he turn from the room and flee. Maybe he needed to give himself more time before they got to this stage.
Gritting his teeth, Murphy forced his feet to keep moving.
He was an Alpha, damnit!
He refused to run away from any challenge, especially when it involved breaking down the walls that still kept him and Nessa separated. She’d already been so vulnerable, so trusting with him; he could do the same for her.
No, he would do the same. His mate was courageous and strong, and he was determined to be a male of similar worth, no matter how terrified he felt.
Relax.
Murphy took a deep breath, and Nessa’s intoxicating scent filled his lungs, helping to calm some of the storm raging inside him.
The taste of her was still on his lips. He focused on that and the comforting weight of her in his arms, instead of the anxiety ripping his insides to shreds, threatening to destroy the decision he’d made only moments before.
It’s fine. Nessa was going to see your scars eventually.
Logically, Murphy knew that. But conceptualizing it and experiencing it were two very different things. He could envision a million different scenarios on how this moment would play out and still be wrong.
What if, despite what she’d said only minutes before, she found his scars disgusting? He did, every single day. They were a stain he couldn’t erase no matter how hard he pretended they didn’t exist; a cruel reminder of how love had blinded him to the truth.
It’s not like that now. Nessa isn’t like that. Trust her like you want her to trust you.
His bear stirred in his mind, chuffing in agreement.
It was more than ready to advance their mating with Nessa, and it didn’t understand why Murphy had such a hang-up about his physical form.
It didn’t care about scars, only that his body was strong and capable of defending their mate.
Of protecting their clan from any threat that surfaced.
But Murphy wasn’t his bear right now, and he needed to face it in his own way.
He only hoped he could.
Reluctantly, Murphy set Nessa on her feet, looking down at the crown of her head. She craned her face up, meeting his gaze with a tenderness that nearly tore out his heart.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Y—“ Murphy cleared his throat before trying again. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
“You’re not the only one with scars, Murphy,” Nessa said quietly, the corner of her mouth lifting into a small, sad smile. She grabbed the hem of her shirt, fisting the material.
She hesitated for only a moment before pulling it up over her torso, revealing first the tantalizing curve of her hips, followed by her slim belly, and then her breasts.
Lust rekindled, his cock stirring to life as his eyes traced over the swells of her breasts. They were the perfect handful, and his mouth watered, his mind going blank as he reached up, cupping those soft, round globes in his palms.
He heard, more than saw, her drop her shirt onto the floor, and it took him a moment to even realize what she’d meant about her own scars.
Then he saw it; healed wounds from where Jason had clawed her and the results of the subsequent surgery afterward.
The scars began on her shoulder, traveling over her collarbone and disappearing near the top of her right breast. They were slightly lighter than her skin tone, while some parts in the middle were a muted red, which would likely fade as more time passed.
Murphy’s gut clenched at the sight, his re-emerging lust taking a back seat to his protective anger.
His bear roared in his head as memories rose to the surface, taking him back to that night when he’d seen her lying prone on the ground in Tank’s home, bleeding out, that massive wolf shifter looming over her, its maw open wide, revealing sharp fangs.
“Nessa …” His hand left her breast, trailing lightly over the jagged indentations.
She shivered before squaring her shoulders, staring up at him with so much trust, his heart physically ached. “Do you think they make me look repulsive, Murphy?”
He shook his head, an instant denial. “Everything about you is beautiful.” And he meant it.
Her eyes softened. “I don’t like them. Whenever I’m in front of a mirror without my shirt on, I try to avoid looking at them.
” She bit her lower lip, as if weighing what she wanted to say next.
“If I’d gotten them in an accident, I think I might feel a little differently, but they’re a reminder of something horrible, and when I see them, it’s all I think about. ”
“That’s how I feel, too,” he admitted gruffly. “Seeing them is painful. Not just for me, but for my family, too. That’s why I wear long sleeves.”
Nessa gasped in outrage before she sent him a lethal glare. “Did they tell you to cover them up?”
“They’ve never said anything to me, Nes,” he assured her, smiling slightly when she relaxed.
It was cute how defensive she became on his behalf.
Like a mama bear with her cub. The corner of his mouth twitched at the thought before he sobered.
“But after it first happened, I saw the way they looked at me when they saw them. There was a lot of pity, and I didn’t want to see that, so I covered them up. ”
He didn’t want to be reminded of his shortcomings, especially since he’d only just recently gained the mantle ofAlpha.
He’d needed to be strong, to feign indifference to the past in order to lead his people toward a better future.
He couldn’t afford to show weakness. Couldn’t afford to let himself feel it.
“Oh, Murphy.” Nessa placed her hands on his chest, her fingers digging into his sweater. “I’m sure it wasn’t pity, but empathy. Your family loves you.”
His fingers locked around her wrists, holding her hands to him. “I know they do. I’m sure back then they only wanted to help.”
They just hadn’t known how. And instead of coping with his trauma, of letting his family ease some of the hurt bottled up inside him, he’d thrown himself into being an Alpha, into making sure no one ever suffered like he did again.
It had worked, but he’d isolated himself emotionally in the process.
Distanced himself from everyone but his family and a few close friends in order to prevent another catastrophe.
And even then, he hadn’t let those close to him help him.
To ease the weight he had placed on his own shoulders. That had lasted for over a decade.
Until his mate had entered his life, turning his world completely upside down, showing him that some things were worth the risk.
She was worth every risk.
Nessa watched him expectantly, waiting for him to make the next move. To lay himself bare for her scrutiny.
It’s like ripping off a Band-Aid. Just do it.
Clenching his jaw, Murphy reached over his shoulder, fisting the back of his sweater. Nessa dropped her hands from his chest, taking a small step back toward the shower as he pulled the material from his body. Cool air slid over his marred skin, causing goosebumps to trace up his arms.
He didn’t look at Nessa at first, a muscle jumping in his cheek as he waited for her to gasp in shock or to whisper his name in sympathy.
He knew what he looked like: a tapestry of disjointed lines caused from someone’s switchblade. Burn marks on random parts of his body revealed where another human had used him as an ashtray. There were dozens of scars on his arms, torso, back, and a few smaller ones at the base of his neck.
The only parts of him that weren’t riddled with scars were his face and legs, and the latter was only because they’d kept his jeans on.
“Can I touch you?” she asked softly, holding her palm a scant few centimeters from his sternum.
“You don’t have to ask, Nes. I’ll always welcome your touch,” he replied, still averting his gaze.
Slowly, Nessa placed her hand back on his chest, her touch light as her fingers traced over his skin. Murphy sucked in a trembling breath, relishing the feel of her warm palm on his flesh. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had someone physically touch him like this, and it felt … healing.
As if with each second her fingers trailed delicately over his scars, the burden of the marks lifted from his soul.
“I’ve wondered a few times how muscular you were,” Nessa murmured sweetly, running her eyes over his torso and focusing on his chiseled abdomen.
She flicked her gaze up, staring at him from beneath her lashes.
She sent him a teasing smile. “Okay, it’s been more than a few times,” she said, waggling her brows.
Despite the heaviness in the air between them, Murphy chuckled. He knew what she was doing—hoping to distract him, to put him at ease. He didn’t know if it would work, but he welcomed the attempt nonetheless. “What, did you think I was scrawny?”
“God, no.” Nessa scrunched up her nose at him playfully. “That night I was attacked–I kind of remember you shifting in front of me. You were naked, obviously, but I was in shock, so I didn’t really take it all in, you know? But sometimes I dream about you, and …” She trailed off.
Eager to hear what she had to say, he slid two fingers under her chin, lifting her head. Their eyes met. “And?”
“Maybe I remember more than I thought, because this is exactly how I pictured you.” She licked her lips, and his cock twitched in his jeans, the denim material causing an uncomfortable pressure along his hardening shaft.
His dick throbbed as it stiffened, reminding him that he’d neglected it earlier while he’d eaten out Nessa’s cunt.
He’d been hard as a rock as soon as he’d caught her scent in the air, and once he’d had a taste, he’d known he’d have to take himself in hand later just to stave off his ever-growing arousal.
He’d wanted to do that while he’d eaten her out, to stroke himself until he came with her, but he didn’t think they were at that stage yet, and he didn’t want to do anything that would make Nessa feel uncomfortable.
Although, given how beautifully she’d responded to him, how eagerly she’d arched into his fingers and tongue, and how readily she’d obeyed his commands, he wondered if her fears were nonexistent, after all.
Maybe it was because he was her partner. Her body and soul recognized him intrinsically and knew he’d never do anything to harm her, so she’d fully enjoyed herself sexually, without fear. Hell, he hoped that was what had happened.
“You pictured me exactly like this?” He cocked his head to the side before giving himself the briefest once-over. He barely glanced at the scars, seeing a blur of pale skin that contrasted nicely with Nessa’s deeper complexion.
As much as he enjoyed how well they complemented each other, her words rang chaotically through his mind.
Did she envision him like this, or had his skin been perfectly smooth?
“Hm.” Nessa pursed her lips in thought. “Actually, I was picturing an eight-pack set of abs, and you’ve only got–”her index finger poked him several times–”a six-pack.
That’s a shame. But I do see a sexy little V-shape peeking out from your jeans, so I guess that’ll have to suffice,“ she said with an exaggerated huff.
Fuck, he loved her.
The words were on the tip of his tongue, so close to being vocalized, but instead he blurted out, “Yeah? There’s something else in my jeans that might suffice.”
Nessa choked on a laugh, her eyes rounding in shocked delight. “Murphy Sinclair, did you just use some lame ass pick-up line on me?”
Murphy grimaced, his cheeks burning with embarrassment. “You’re right. That was terrible. I take it back.”
“Oh, no. You can’t take that back.” Nessa grinned. “In fact, I’m telling Hunny, who will definitely tell Tank, and once he knows, I’m sure Jasper will, too.”
“That’s extortion.”
She snorted. “No, it’s not. I haven’t demanded anything in return for my silence.”
“What do you want?” he replied, placing his hands on her bare hips. “I mean, is there some way we can work this out? I’ll do anything,” he joked, his suggestive tone unmistakable.
Her brows rose, and then she smirked. “You said you’d take a shower with me, so why don’t you finish undressing and we’ll see what happens when we get in there?”
Well, that was unexpected.
A thousand perverted images floated through his mind as he hastily reached for the button of his jeans. He’d just finished pulling down the zipper when he paused, eyeing her warily.
His mate was bold in many ways, but sexually? He hadn’t seen that side of her yet, and he doubted a few minutes of licking her sweet pussy until she came would change that.
Whatever he was thinking, Nessa most certainly wasn’t. So what was the little vixen planning? “What’s going to happen when we get in there?”
Nessa grinned. “You’re going to wash my hair. Condition it, too. If your skills are satisfactory, I’ll consider keeping quiet.”
Wash her hair? She’d let him run his hands through those thick locks, for however long he wanted?
Eagerly, Murphy agreed to her terms.