Chapter 19
“One year and ten months,”Lorelei said.
He exhaled so heavily his shoulders slumped. He lowered his head.
She’d been specific for a reason, to get him over the finish line, and it had obviously worked.
“She’s mine.”
“Yes,” she whispered.
“Okay, Mommy?” Stevie patted her cheek.
“Yeah, baby. I’m okay.” What do I do? I can’t talk about this in front of her.
I don’t even know if he wants to be her father. He might fly back to New York and never talk to me again.
He’s done it before.
Her brother approached, his son at his side. “You okay, sweet pea?”
“I falled.” Stevie pointed at Booker. “But Mister saved me.”
“He sure did.” To dispel the tension—presumably for Stevie’s sake—her brother stayed upbeat. “Good catch. You play baseball?”
But Booker didn’t smile. His expression remained stern, his posture stiff.
“Hey, Stevie.” Her brother positioned his son in front of him. “Colt has something to say to you.”
The little boy gazed up with a sincere expression. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have run with you in the wagon.”
“Das okay, Coltie.” Her daughter lunged out of Lorelei’s arms, and the boy grabbed her around the waist.
As they hugged, tears sprang to her eyes. She was a mess of emotions. As much as she wanted a daddy for her little girl, the reality of him—of this busy sports agent from New York—terrified her.
It’s not what I want for her.
Not even close.
“You ready for a bath now?” her dad asked. “Grandma got you those fun crayons so you can write on the walls.”
Stevie reached for her grandparents, and Lorelei watched as the trio left the barn.
She drew in a fortifying breath before crouching in front of her nephew. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt her. You’re a very good cousin.”
“I’m sorry.” The little boy had his chin tipped down.
“I know you are, sweetie. You were just having fun. It’s all right. I promise. She’s not hurt at all.” She kissed his forehead and brushed the damp hair away from his temples.
Her brother picked him up. “Come on. You can help me set up the s’mores.”
The little boy nodded, still too shaken to smile, and the two of them headed for the house.
Leaving her alone to face Slick. “Take a walk?”
He gave her a curt nod.
If this man was angry at her for not telling him about the baby, he was going to get a resounding slap upside his head. You left me, remember?
He turned to Ginty and Noa. “We’re set with the barn?”
“Yes,” Noa said, somber now. “Definitely.” She mouthed, “You okay?”
Lorelei nodded. They’d talk later.
She followed Slick outside. Night had fallen, leaving nothing but shadows and silhouettes. The sky blazed with stars.
At the other side of the corral, he stopped and turned toward her. “I left you a note.” Emotion pierced his hard tone. There was a hint of remorse, an apology.
“Okay, well, I didn’t see it.” What did he want her to do about it now? It didn’t change anything.
He pulled out his wallet and flicked through a few bills and credit cards. A moment later, he handed her a piece of paper.
Her fingers trembled as she unfolded it. Sure, part of it was residual adrenaline from her daughter’s spill. But also, the anticipation… All these years, she’d needed something from him. A hint of an explanation.
She blinked back the tears so she could read.
Hellcat,
I’ve got to get back to work. I won’t come here for a while, so feel free to stay. If you need me for anything, here’s my number.
Best Christmas ever.
Take care,
Booker
Okay, so? What did he expect?
That she’d throw herself into his arms and everything would be okay?
This piece of paper didn’t erase the countless nights she’d spent going over every detail of what she’d said, what she’d done, to drive him away. Imagining him thinking the worst of her.
She’s a grown woman—why’s she hiding in my cabin?
What’s wrong with her that she can’t get her shit together?
She can’t even grate cheese.
It didn’t take away the doubts and fears she’d lived with for two years as a single mom.
She reread the note, forcing her chaotic mind to concentrate, to pay attention. And when she got to his phone number, she had to read it three times before it sank in.
A ten-digit bridge.
To ask the questions.
To tell him about Stevie.
To not have been so painfully alone.
My God.
He hadn’t callously, carelessly walked away.
She sucked in a sharp breath. “This would’ve changed everything.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry you went through it all alone. I’m sorry you thought I didn’t care about our time together.” He sounded almost desperate. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you.”
Hearing those words… In some small way, they helped soothe the parts of her still abraded by fears and anxiety. She pressed the note to her chest. She’d had to be strong for so long. She hadn’t been allowed to fall apart. Since having a baby, she’d made all the decisions herself. Sure, she had family, and yes, they were amazing, but she’d had to decide how to discipline, what her child should eat, how to handle the crying at night. The weight of those decisions rested solely on her shoulders.
But he’d left his phone number.
He’d left the door open.
As if seeking more treasure, she read the note again. “If you need me for anything…?”
“Condoms are only eighty-seven-percent effective.” He had a tortured look in his eyes.
He knew. He got the significance of this situation, and she had to give him credit for that. He could’ve used the note as a pass. He could’ve turned defensive.
Hey, man.I tried.
It’s not my fault.
Instead, he’d apologized. She appreciated that so much. One thing, though, didn’t make sense. “How did you wind up with this if you left it for me?”
“I came back to the cabin a few months later?—”
“You did? You said you rarely went there.” Were you looking for me?
He had a stark look in his eyes. He swallowed. And then, he said, “I signed Ginty to the Renegades, so I’ve had to spend more time out here.”
“And?” She sounded demanding, but she didn’t want to guess anymore. She didn’t want to wonder. She needed the bare truth. “Were you looking for me?”
“Yes,” he whispered. But then, he turned to humor. “I was curious to see if you’d finally gotten your shit together.”
She shook her head. “Say it. Trust me, I deserve to hear you say it.”
He understood, she could see it in his eyes. “I hoped you’d still be there.”
“Okay—”
“And I was disappointed you weren’t.” The way he looked at her, the message he was sending…
No, no. She wasn’t ready to receive it. She shook the note at him. “Do you realize how unfair this is? I went through everything alone, and I didn’t have to.” Then again, would he even have been there for her? She knew the man in the cabin. Not the sports agent.
“I do. It is unfair. When I walked into the cabin, I expected to see the Christmas tree and the pans in the sink…I expected to see you. But it was clean. Like we’d never happened. And that…” He scratched the back of his neck. “I didn’t like it. I hated it. But when I saw the note still sitting on the counter… I wasn’t sure if you’d left it intentionally as a fuck you, or if you hadn’t seen it.”
This man was such a contradiction. Most of the time, he was all business, all serious and stern, but then, in moments like this, he was so open and raw and real.
His vulnerability opened a valve, allowing the anger to leak out.
Leaving her with the dregs of sadness.
“Where did you go?” he asked. “When did you leave?”
“That same day. Christmas. After I figured out you’d left, it took me all of fifteen minutes to get my shit together. The way you’d reinvented yourself and came out swinging… It inspired me. I was ready to get back out there.”
“But then, you found out you were pregnant.”
“No, it wasn’t like that. That makes it sound like it was a terrible curveball.”
“But it was a curveball.” He rested a boot on the bottom rung of the fence.
“It was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My whole life was about me. I had an entire team working for my success. To the point that my mom hired people to do everything that took my attention off making money. I didn’t cook or clean or shop or drive. Well, you know that.” Briefly, she closed her eyes. “I can’t believe I didn’t know how to use a cheese grater.”
“Hey.” He tipped her chin. “You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did what you were raised to do.”
That was nice to hear, but the woman who’d lain awake at night wondering why he’d bolted still lived inside her. “Part of me thought you left because I was such a knucklehead.”
“No. I didn’t think that at all. I saw the text from Beau and figured you had a lot of unfinished business. Maybe you’d get back with him.”
“With Beau? Slick, Beau’s my dad.”
His gaze shot toward the house, but of course, her parents were already inside. “That was your father?”
She laughed. “Yes. My ex is Landon, and I will never get back with him. He slept with my best friend for a year. Right under my nose. So, no, there will be no reconciliation.”
“He called you sweetheart. Said he wished you’d come home for Christmas.”
“Yep. My dad. And if you’d stayed and asked me, I could’ve told you that.”
“True. But I needed to get back anyway. Thanks to you, I decided to leave my agency and start one of my own.”
“Oh, wow. That’s huge.” This mess wasn’t his fault. She could see that. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. It was just unbearably sad. “I guess we have a lot to catch up on.”
“We do, but tell me more about your pregnancy. You said it wasn’t a curveball.”
This was why she’d gotten so attached to him. He wasn’t asking how much Stevie weighed at birth or what Lorelei expected of him. He wanted to know how she’d felt about everything she’d gone through.
How do you hold on to anger, resentment…fear when you have a man who genuinely cares?
She found herself wanting to tell him.“I mean, I was in no way prepared for it, but…I don’t know how to explain. It was like this calmness settled over me, and I just thought, well, that’s enough of this life. One chapter ended, and I was ready for the next. Over the next six months, I learned how to drive and cook and clean. I even grow my own vegetables now. And everything you see here…” She gestured around. “This is my project. All the renovations, the upgrades. I’m doing all of it.”
“You’ve done a great job. Well, except for the barn. That place is rank.”
Her smile surprised her—that he could get her there in such a weighted moment. “Hey. We built a new, modern facility about a mile away. I didn’t want those big animals and all the ranch hands and trucks around our home.”
“I’m sorry. Go on. You found your purpose.”
She hadn’t said that, but he’d nailed it. “Yeah. Exactly. Having a baby changed my life. Stevie’s the best thing that ever happened to me.” Once the words came out, she froze. Because he’d get to know his daughter and see how amazing she was.
And he might take her away.
That terrified her.
“Stevie.” He said it slowly, as if testing the name. “Where’d you come up with that?”
“Stevie Nicks. What can I say? She’s an icon.”
“Yeah, okay. I get that.” But he was distracted, gazing into the darkness of the mountains. “We have a kid.”
“We do.” Only time could determine the choices he’d make, so she went with the truth. “And she’s fierce and strong and smart. There isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t impress me.”
He looked tortured. “I have a daughter.”
He didn’t want kids. Was he freaking out about how his life would change?
She wanted to reassure him that she didn’t need his help, that she had it all under control, but at the same time…Stevie deserved a father.
Ultimately, though, she kept her mouth shut because it wasn’t her choice to make.
It was something he had to figure out on his own.
But he surprised her when he said, “And you went through it all alone.”
Here she was worried about him freaking out, when he was concerned about her. “Not really. Margot, my dad, my brother, my sister, Noa…they’ve all been there for me.” While it was true—she had really good people around her—still, the core of her was so painfully alone. Even Stevie didn’t fill the gaping hole.
“It’s not the same as having a partner to go through it with you.”
It all came rushing back, how well this man understood her. How perfectly he could sum up a situation. “No, it’s not.” Something occurred to her. “Wait a minute.” She waved the note. “Why was this in your wallet? Did you know who I was when you came here?”
“No, of course not. I’ve kept it with me.” He shifted uncomfortably. “Just in case I ran into you.”
“Are you serious?” And that was it. The last remnant of anger and frustration drifted away.
“Like I said, I’ve got a few clients on the Renegades, so I come here a couple times a year.”
She didn’t remember what she’d told him, but she hadn’t owned a house there yet. “You didn’t know where I was from or where I’d wind up.”
This powerful confident man looked nervous. “I held out hope I’d see you again.”
Her knees nearly buckled from the relief sweeping through her. “You have no idea how much I needed to hear that. The way you left…I thought you didn’t care. I thought?—”
He touched her arm. “I cared.”
She wanted to say, I thought about you, too, but she hadn’t seen him in two and a half years. Their intimacy was gone. She’d spent her whole life spewing her emotions in her songs and belting them out on stage, but since the betrayal she’d learned to be more careful. More protective. And really, the priority here was Stevie.
“So, what do we do?” she asked. “How do we move forward?”
“I don’t have a clue. But I think it’s best if we don’t tell anybody yet.”
She wasn’t sure why that disappointed her. Actually, she did know. For Stevie’s sake, she wanted a father who was so happy and proud to be her daddy that he’d shout it from the rooftops.
But, of course, this man had literally found out fifteen minutes ago.
“My parents know.”
“Okay, but other than them, let’s keep it to ourselves for now,” he said. “I don’t want anything to distract from the wedding.”
“That’s not going to be easy. Noa and I are close friends.”
“This is big, Hellcat. It’s going to put all the attention on us. I can’t do that to Ginty. Not after what his family’s just done.”
“If that’s what you want.” She didn’t like keeping secrets. Especially with her closest friend.
“It’s what I want.” He said it quickly. Adamantly.
And it rubbed her the wrong way. But for now, she’d give him grace. “Okay. But just so you know, if she asks me about it, I’m not going to lie.” She started off toward the house. “We should go. We’re doing s’mores.”
“Noa might’ve already figured it out.” He walked alongside her, close enough that their arms brushed. “This afternoon, when we were talking about the plans, she noticed that the kid?—”
“Stevie.”
“Sorry. Stevie has my eyes.”
She sure as hell does.“When she was born, they were slate blue. But then, they turned this unusual green, and I thought, oh, man, I’m going to look at this child every day of my life and be reminded of the man who taught me how to grate cheese.”
He smiled. “You’re really stuck on that.”
“I am. It was a turning point in my life.”
She supposed they needed to lighten the conversation—nothing could be resolved tonight—but she was dying to know what he was thinking and feeling. She had so many questions.
You won’t hurt her, will you?
Do you still not want kids?
But she wouldn’t ask any of them. He’d need time to figure it all out.
It was just… He was all business. His career meant everything to him. What if he decides to walk away? Her heart squeezed hard at the idea of her perfect little girl knowing she had a dad out there who didn’t want her.
That’s how I grew up.
And I couldn’t stand that for her.
She couldn’t take it anymore. She had to say something. “Slick.”
He stopped, waited.
“She’s a really good girl. I mean…the best.”
“Okay.”
“I know you just found out, and I’m not asking you for anything. Well, except one thing.” She touched his shirt. “Don’t hurt her.”
“You think I don’t know how important this is? Believe me, I do. The last thing I want to do is hurt her.”
“But you don’t know what you want. I can see it in your eyes.”
“No, I don’t. But I sure as hell don’t want to hurt her.”
They continued on, but her legs felt shaky and weak.
Because he said he didn’t want to hurt her.
That meant the possibility existed that he might not want to be in her life.
Otherwise, he’d have said, I won’t hurt her. She’s my daughter.
She was an absolute mess. She didn’t want to share her daughter, and yet, the idea of him walking away, knowing the impact it would have on her little girl…
It killed her.