Chapter 31
Booker slept like the dead.
Amazing what a sleeping pill does for you.
He could not believe he’d almost given up his career for a one-sided relationship. Looking back, he’d seen the signs from the start. She’d never gushed about him the way he did her. She didn’t say, “You’re the one.” She hadn’t even said, “I’m crazy about you,” or anything like that.
He’d taken a pill last night because he couldn’t stop analyzing every conversation they’d ever had, trying to remember how she’d responded to him. And he couldn’t think of a single instance where she’d indicated she was in it for the long hall.
Was she into him? Absolutely.
Was she responsive to his touch? Hell, yeah.
But she hadn’t made any changes in her life. Not at all. He was the one downgrading his career.
Jesus, he’d almost given up the Canadian kid. For what? How long after he’d moved out here would it have taken to become obvious she was just phoning it in?
Even worse than losing the phenom as a client was ignoring the way Marcus had maligned his reputation. If he didn’t put a stop to that, it would ruin his career.
Well, no more of that bullshit. Because today, he was flying to Ontario to let the Marchaud family know the truth about why he’d left Elite. With Ginty’s permission, he’d explain his reasons for not pushing the Boston contract on his client.
After a shower, he packed up what little belongings he’d taken out of his suitcase when he’d checked into the Gentry’s lodge last night. And then, he shot a text to Beau.
Booker: Ready. Is she awake?
Beau: Been awake for an hour. Looking forward to seeing you.
The pain in his heart made it hard to type. This would be the last time he saw his daughter for a while. He’d keep up with her though. Talk to her on the phone. Find a time every day when he could either have breakfast with her or read her books at night. He’d align his schedule with hers, be consistent. And he’d come to town as often as he could.
It wouldn’t be the same. But it was the best he could offer.
Booker: You want me to come to your house or are you bringing her here?
Beau: Already here. In the Atrium.
His heart lurched to see his little girl.
Booker: On my way down.
But it was to say goodbye. And fuck, that felt wrong.
He was on the second floor, so he only had to jog down one set of stairs, push out the doors, and head to the back of this new, well-designed hotel. He passed a pool, a gym, and a large office space for guests.
In the indoor dining room, vines climbed the walls, flower baskets hung from the ceiling, and the scent of moist soil mixed with bacon and coffee. Only a couple families were up for an early breakfast, so it was easy to spot Beau and Stevie. He hurried over to them.
“Hey, sweet thing.” He sat down.
“I sawed a snake. And it goed—” Baring her teeth, Stevie made a claw with her hand and pawed the air.
Booker’s gaze cut to her grandpa, who was smiling. “It was a lizard, and it flicked his tongue.”
Since she didn’t seem traumatized by it, Booker said, “That’s cool.”
“It cool. Mister, I hungry.” She made a circular motion around her belly.
Still not calling me dad.She was too young to get it. That’s okay. He understood that.
But it really drove it home, what Lorelei said about rushing into things. His daughter had known him for five days. And most of that time, she’d been with her grandparents.
She needed time. They all did.
That part was fair. It was the other thing Lorelei had said—that she’d been so eager to have a father for her daughter she’d gotten carried away.
That gutted him.
Would he ever learn? Or would he just keep running the same play over and over?
At some point, he had to pay better attention, right? To see the truth instead of only what he wanted to see? “Well, then, let’s get you some food.”
She lifted her arms, and he loved the way she trusted him so completely.
Yeah, because you’re here.
She won’t trust you when you visit every now and then.
That’s not how it works.
He picked her up and carried her to the buffet table, her leg bumping against his back with every step he took. “What looks good, sweet thing?”
“Where Mommy?”
“She’s at home.” Another reason he took the pill last night was to stop wondering what Lorelei was thinking. She’d seemed carefree at the reception, dancing and laughing. He thought he’d known her so well.
Guess he hadn’t paid that much attention if he’d missed the most important part. She’s not in this with me.
“You not home?” Stevie asked.
The question startled him. Made his heart squeeze so hard it cramped.
He guessed she was used to seeing the two of them together, but that wasn’t going to happen anymore. “I live in New York City, and I have to go home today. That’s why I wanted to have breakfast with you. Because you’re very important to me, and I want to spend as much time with you as I can. Is that all right?”
Stevie nodded, but she was looking at the buffet table. She couldn’t understand any of this. Not for a while.
“What looks good?” he asked.
She pointed to where Beau stood. “Faffles.”
Her grandfather opened the waffle maker and set her breakfast on a paper plate. “You want one?” he asked Booker.
He’d save his appetite for the brunch. “I’ll pass. Thanks, though.” He reached for the tongs to place a few strips of bacon on her plate.
She scrunched up her nose. “Dat’s yucky.”
“That might be the first time I’ve ever heard that.” He chuckled, but he wasn’t feeling it. He felt like he was walking upstream. When he got back to the table, he went to set her down in her chair, but her legs tightened around his waist. He wasn’t complaining. He settled her on his lap, instead.
Beau set two coffee mugs down. “So, what’s the plan?”
“I’m heading to Ontario. I’ve got a situation there that needs to be handled. After that, I’ve got two new clients, so I’ll fly out to Florida to see one and then California for the other.”
Beau listened patiently. “I meant with your family.”
“My mom?” How did he know about his reluctance to let his mom back in? Had Lorelei told him?
“This family. Lorelei and Stevie.” Beau set his mug down. “You switched gears pretty quickly.”
He gave a curt nod. Not my choice.
Beau seemed to have a loose hold on his composure. “Well, that’s a shame.”
Stevie hummed, her bottom swishing, as she stuffed a piece of waffle into her mouth. She was in her own world, oblivious to the turmoil.
“It is.” Booker wouldn’t reveal the details to this man. It was between him and Lorelei. “But I’ll be in Stevie’s life. I won’t disappear.”
“But not Lorelei’s?”
“She’s, uh...” Sometimes, when he took a sleeping pill, it took him a few hours to fully clear the fog in his mind. He wasn’t quite there yet, and it was hard to find the right words to say, Your daughter doesn’t love me. Not the way I love her.
His hand went to his chest. Dammit, that hurt.
But it was true, and he had to accept it.
“She’s what?” Beau asked.
“We’re not on the same page.”
Beau nodded. “Huh. I thought you knew her. I liked that you loved her for who she is since everyone loves her for being Lorelei Calloway. Do you love her for who she is? Because, you understand, that includes the broken parts?”
“Of course. I didn’t even know who she was when I met her. But she doesn’t feel the same way, and I have to accept that and move on.”
The man sat back. “This is the first time you haven’t impressed me.”
The shock of those words reverberated through Booker’s body. He was struck dumb.
“But everyone has their stupid moments,” Beau said. “And I suppose this is yours.”
The drive to get to Canada, the ability to put Lorelei in his rearview mirror…it all came crashing down. Because the truth was plain. He was hurt, scared, and reeling from her rejection. From the loss of a future he’d dared to imagine. “Look, no offense, but I’m freaking out here.” Because he’d lost her. The only woman he’d ever loved. The mother of his child.
And he didn’t know what to do about it.
You can’t make someone love you.
Listen to her father. That’s what you should do. “I’m not thinking clearly. Can you just talk to me?”
“You understand that her boyfriend and her best friend had an affair right under her nose, right? For a year. So, I think you can give her the benefit of the doubt if she feels threatened when she finds out your partner’s a woman. One you’ve had many experiences with. Rightly or wrongly, from an outsider’s perspective, it sure looks like a friends-with-benefits situation.”
“It’s not. We’ve never seen each other like that.”
“Okay, but you walked away from Lorelei before you made sure she understood that. Can you understand the impact that might have on her? You say you want a future with her, but at the very moment you had a chance to prove your trustworthiness, you gave up on her.”
“Wait a minute?—”
But Beau raised a hand to shut him up. “Sure, you corrected her impression once, but can you imagine how upsetting it might be for her to know that every time you go to New York, you’ll be with the same woman you’ve been close to for years?”
“But I’ve never—” His jaw snapped shut. It didn’t matter what he’d done or how he viewed George. What mattered was how Lorelei processed the information she’d just received.
“Instead of reassuring her—through words and actions for as long as it takes her to finally trust you—you showed her you can easily walk away from her when you hit your first bump in the road. And I can promise you, there will be more. And they’ll be much harder than this one. So, stop taking stupid pills. This one is easily solved. Unless you don’t want to solve it?”
“Of course, I do. But that only works if they love you back. And you know what kept me up last night? Remembering all the times I told her how happy she made me, how much I wanted her, and not once did she say anything like that to me. So, the fact remains. She doesn’t feel the same way.”
“And how many times do you think she told her ex she loved him? All while he was involved with someone else. Think that might be a little humiliating?” Beau reached for his mug. “Well, it seems I’m the one taking stupid pills this morning.” He took a sip of the steaming coffee. “I thought you genuinely loved her.”
“I do. I love her.”
Beau looked him right in the eyes. “A man doesn’t walk away from love. A man fights for it.”
* * *
The moment the married couple set off on their honeymoon, and the guests packed up and left, Lorelei hightailed it to the conservatory. She needed to process.
So much confusion.
So much heartache.
While she warmed up, she thought about Stevie. Her parents were bringing her home, and she couldn’t wait to get back to the routine she loved so very much. She tried hard to stay focused on that, on the good in her life, the world she’d built…
But she couldn’t stop seeing Booker’s angry expression when she’d told him they’d gotten carried away.
They had, though. That was a fair thing to say, wasn’t it?
She hadn’t meant to push him away.
Forget warming up. Words came spilling out of her.
I can’t love you
I can’t want you
I just can’t
Because you cut and run
You don’t stay
You only see mirages
I am real.
I am love, I’m fire and pain
I’m bits and pieces, forever broken
Can you see them?
Instead of running
Can you heal them?
Love is staying
Love is working
Love is fighting
With each other and for each other.
I am real.
I am love, I’m fire and pain
I’m bits and pieces, forever broken
Can you see them?
Instead of running
Can you heal them?
When her mind went quiet, her fingers stilled.
The tight space in her chest opened a little, and she felt better.
“Hey.”
“Jesus.” She practically jumped off the bench. “Jude.”
His big body filled the doorway. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to interrupt. Just wanted to tell you we’re heading out.”
“Oh, okay.” She didn’t know why she was so flustered. Jude and the guys got to hear all of her workshopped songs. This one, though…it was just so personal. It was meant for her ears only. She got up and headed over to him. “Let me get my phone so I can pay you.”
“Later. Next time you’re at the bar.”
“I guess you know I’m good for it.”
He arched a brow. “We know where you live.”
She smiled. “Yeah, yeah. I’m shaking in my boots.”
He started to go, but then, he said, “It goes both ways, you know?”
“What does?”
“The staying. The fighting for a relationship.”
“Not with him. He’s got a history of doing this.” When he’d thought his friends didn’t care about him, he’d slammed the door and moved on. When his mom explained the adoption papers, he’d walked away from her. When he found out his boss’s true nature, he’d quit and never spoke to the man again.
“Yeah, but you said you’re broken. So’s he. We’ve all got baggage.” Jude watched her. “Is what you have worth fighting for?”
He’d punched right through her walls.
She’d been lying to herself, thinking she’d be happy to get back to her routine, being content with the life she’d built.
Who am I kidding?
Her heart needed Slick to be healed.
Her life needed Slick to be whole.
Her family needed Slick to be complete.
“Yes,” she said.
“You want him to heal your broken pieces?” Jude asked.
She nodded.
“Maybe you can do the same for him.”
* * *
Booker was waiting for his connecting flight when the call came in.
He smiled when he saw the three faces on his screen and got out of his seat before hitting Accept. “Hang on. Let me go somewhere private. I never know what’s going to come out of your filthy mouths.”
“Hey, man, we’re dads now,” Cole said. “We don’t talk like that anymore.”
“We sure the fuck don’t,” Jaime said.
“Watch it. There might be children around me.” Booker headed toward a remote section of the gate. He loved that they called. It was like their friendship hadn’t skipped a beat. “So, what’s up? Let me guess. Which one of you needs an agent? Who needs a contract reviewed?”
“Fuck off,” Cole said. “You’re lucky I wasn’t around when you said that.”
“Why, because you’d hurt me with your movie star smile?” Booker asked.
“I’m trying to remember which one of us has won a Cup,” Cole said. “Oh, right. That would have to be me. You never did get on the ice, did you?”
Jaime’s eyebrows shot up, and Declan said, “Low blow, brother. Real low.”
“What do you want?” Booker asked, pretending to be annoyed. “I’m about to board a plane.”
“You seemed off last night,” Declan said. “We wanted to see what’s up.”
“Shit.” He hoped he hadn’t ruined Ginty’s wedding.
But Jaime held up a hand. “You were fine.”
“No one noticed a thing,” Declan said.
“Except us.” Cole lost his smile. “Something happened between you and Lorelei. You went from lovey-dovey to steering clear of each other.”
Down below, on the tarmac, people in reflective vests loaded the luggage, but all Booker could see was the look in Lorelei’s eyes when she’d told him they’d gotten carried away. “Things fell apart.”
“How’s that?” Declan asked.
“My partners won’t change the terms of our contract, so I can’t work remotely.”
“And Lorelei doesn’t want to do long distance?” Jaime asked.
He wished it were that simple. But the truth was so much worse. “She doesn’t want me.”
Not enough.
She wanted a father for her child. Which she had. Nothing would keep him away from his daughter. But it would kill him to see his hellcat in love with another man. To hear about Stevie’s dad—who’d deserve the title more than he would if he was only dropping in for visits now and then.
“I’m sorry,” Declan said. “That surprises me. I saw the way she was looking at you.”
“Yeah, well, we rushed into things. The bubble popped. And now it’s time for me to get back to the real world.”
“So, what does this mean for your daughter?” Cole would ask that, considering the fact he had four of them.
“I’m not walking away.” He saw from their expressions that he might’ve sounded defensive.
“I wouldn’t expect you to,” Declan said.
“I’ll be there as often as I can. I’ll talk to her every day…” What else could he do?
“You could quit your job,” Jaime said.
“And do what?” Booker asked, his voice rising in frustration.
“You know what,” Cole said.
“You own the Renegades,” Declan said. “You work with us.”
“At the end of the day, you’ve got to know what matters,” Cole said. “And it’s not your career or money. It’s your family. Your daughter.”
“And the woman you love,” Declan said.
“She doesn’t love me.” Booker turned his back on the window.
“Maybe you haven’t known each other long enough for it to turn into the kind of love you want, but we all saw you together,” Jaime said. “If you walk away right now, it’ll never grow into something deeper.”
“But what if it’s one-sided?” he asked. “What if it’s not real?”
“Real is something you make,” Declan said. “It’s something you work on and fight for. If you walk away, you’ll never have a chance.”