Chapter 4
Roo
Hello world, welcome to my pain.
I groan as I stretch out my tight back, the ache intensifying with each push of my muscles.
That. Sucked. Balls. And not in the preferred holy-crap-I’m-gonna-come type of way either.
Tanner must be up, because the heat is on and the curtains that were open last night are now closed.
It was surreal, staring out at the overcast night as I tried desperately to get my jet lag to cooperate so I could fall asleep, but being back here made every nerve come alive.
Sure, things were a little off last night, but even through his confusion, it was obvious very quickly that Tanner is still my Tanner. I huff out a laugh and kick my blankets off.
“Finally awake?”
“Jesus, shit.” I gasp as I sit up and find Tanner sitting on the floor next to the couch. He’s holding his phone in one hand and looking up at me with amusement. “You creep. I thought I was supposed to be the one watching you sleep.”
“What’s some creeping among friends?” He nudges my legs aside and slides up onto the couch.
“What time is it?”
“After noon.”
I groan. “I set my alarm for two hours ago.”
“I know.” His big lips quirk. “And after you ignored it for the fourth time, I decided to switch it off and let you sleep.”
“I’m jet-lagged. That’s the worst thing you can do.”
“Eh.” He doesn’t look anywhere near remorseful enough. “You need sleep, I’m gonna let you sleep.”
“You’ll learn to say no to me one day.”
His forehead wrinkles. “Why would I ever wanna do that?”
“Oh, I’m so taking advantage of that.” I laugh and nudge him with my foot. “I need coffee.”
“Done and done.” He gets up and moves around his kitchen in that practiced way that comes from living in one place for a while. I miss that.
When we got to Australia, I was with Mom and Dad for a year while I recovered from surgery and sorted things out.
Then I moved into a dorm at uni, then went traveling …
I look around the room and into the kitchen beyond, wondering how temporary this place will be.
It’s a bit old, but just like his room when we were teenagers, Tanner keeps the place spotless.
Even if this place is temporary, and there’s a ninety-nine percent chance it will be, it feels like home.
“Still coming shopping with me today?”
“Of course. Anything else you want to do?”
“Nah, a bed is the main thing.”
“Still take two sugars?”
“None, actually. And I take it black, now.”
He doesn’t answer, but a moment later he rejoins me, two mugs in hand. When he sits down, I peer over into his milky mess, and it makes me smile. “I bet you still take half a cup of milk and four sugars, don’t you?”
His tan cheeks flush. “So what if I do?”
I’d find it adorable and comforting, which of course I won’t mention in a million years. “Curious.”
“What else is new?”
I turn a little so I’m leaning into the back of the couch, better able to see his face. “I eat fish now.”
“What?”
“It’s good for you or some shit.”
He laughs, and I get this little tug in my stomach. “I’ve been telling you that forever.”
“I guess I got hit with maturity in my old age.”
“Eww.” He shifts away. “It’s not contagious, is it?”
I lean closer. “Come here and find out.”
He starts to laugh and slaps a hand over my mouth. “God, did something die in there?”
Maybe it did, but how am I meant to concentrate on an appropriate comeback with the smell of Tanner’s skin filling my nose. So instead of talking, I lick his palm.
“Roo!” His hand tightens. “Have I told you that you’re the most disgusting person ever?”
I pull away. “Multiple times, thank you. I guess you can add that to your hasn’t-changed list.”
“Thank God there’s something.”
I blink. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Tanner purses his lips, leans forward, and sets his cup down.
It’s still weird seeing him with hair so short, I can see his scalp at the sides.
“Do you …” He frowns at his hands, thick fingers linking and unlinking.
“I know you’ve always refused to believe I’m dumb, even when the numbers are clearly there, but this weird wall between us is a total surprise. ”
“Wall?”
“Yeah. It’s like … I don’t know how to be around you anymore.”
And even after so long, we’re still on the same page.
The thing is, I was prepared for this wall, because it’s one I carefully constructed.
I’m not an idiot. I know straight guys can be affectionate too, even with their friends, and while that stupid romantic side of me continues to hope I’ll get lucky, the stronger cynical side knows exactly where this is headed.
And the only thing that will soften the blow of rejection is this fucking wall.
“Just be you. There’s a reason we’ve been friends for so long. ”
“Yeah.” But he doesn’t sound convinced. “So, that furniture isn’t going to buy itself. Wanna jump in the shower and then we’ll go?”
Do I want to leave the conversation here?
Hell no. What I want is to tell Tanner everything about why this is so hard.
My original plan had been to drop the gay thing on him while I was still in Australia.
And yeah, I know Tanner had a traditional upbringing with very wholesome ideas about what a family is, but I also know that what we have is stronger than that.
I’ll tell him, and he’ll tell me everything is fine.
It’s what comes after that will hurt. Because even without knowing it, his parents and this community have gotten in his head, and bit by bit he’ll unconsciously pull away.
I’ve seen him do it before, and it fucking hurt.
I’ll never forget the night we were lying in his bed, not long before I left, and I tried feeling things out by bringing up the news of Rich Bladley coming out. And what did he say?
“That dude makes me uncomfortable as hell.”
So instead of unloading anything on him right now, I get up and shower.
“A month?” I share a look with Tanner as the salesman gives me a pitying smile.
“Without a warehouse, we can’t keep anything on hand, so it’s all ordered in.”
“And that’s the fastest you can do?”
“That would be an express order, yes.” His tone is polite, but I can sense some exasperation sneaking in. Fair, considering it took me forty minutes to pick the damn thing.
“Fine.” I hand over my card, trying not to focus on how much sorer my back will be after sleeping on Tanner’s couch for four weeks. “You don’t happen to have any air mattresses, do you?”
“Ah, no.”
Figures. I do my best to hide my disappointment from Tanner as we leave and head down O’Connell Road.
“Wanna stop for a sandwich?” he asks.
I shoot him a smirk. “I swear you just ate.”
“Just? More like an hour or two ago.” He rubs his stomach. “Need more protein.”
“Protein?” I reach over and squeeze his bicep, because I’ve been dying to since I saw him last night. “I think you’re maxed out, my friend.”
“Like you can talk.” He jostles me. “You might actually be able to win a fight now.”
Maybe when hell freezes over. “Let’s not test that theory.”
“So … food?”
I laugh. “Yes, quick. Before you waste away.”
It takes way longer than it should to make our way down the street.
Everyone seems to be out this morning, and we keep getting stopped.
Most people want to talk to Tanner, but as soon as they recognize me, the questions start.
All they care about is if I’m back for good, and how the operation went, and if it stopped the seizures, and yeah, I guess it’s great people are acting like they care, but I know that’s not where the interest is coming from.
Me being back is fresh new gossip, and it seems like a competition between Eric Fletcher and Ms. Rasserman for who can get the most out of me.
“Having someone play with my brain was probably my favorite moment of the last five years,” I tell Eric dryly. He smiles like I’ve let him in on some big secret, while Tanner tries not to laugh.
He quickly tugs my arm. “Sorry, Eric. We’ve gotta get going.”
“I’ll see you boys around.”
“Can’t wait,” I respond.
Tanner’s hand tightens on my arm. “He’s just trying to be nice.”
I snort. “Since when did nice and nosy become synonyms?”
“One day people are going to pick up that you’re making fun of them.”
“I can only hope.”
A streak of ginger darts across the path in front of us, making us pull up short.
“Was that a cat?” I ask, looking toward the alley it disappeared into.
“Yep. It’s been around for a while, and I don’t blame it. The amount of food people leave out, you’d think they’re making offerings to a god.”
“Cats are superior.”
Tanner snorts. “They’re a lot of work is what they are. And you’re not getting one while you live with me.”
I pretend to pout, but Tanner only shakes his head at me.
“This is one thing I’m putting my foot down over. And you thought I couldn’t say no to you.”
“We’ll see.”
Harvey’s Burger House literally hasn’t changed, and when I walk in, Piper Harvey recognizes me right away. “Oh my, Royce Williams?” She glances between me and Tanner. “He’s back?”
“Looks like it.” Tanner’s mouth twitches into a reluctant smile.
“If I could have been a fly on the wall for that reunion.”
I hum because I guess most people would assume it would have been some huge moment, but other than a tearful hug, we’ve barely touched since. “How have you been, Piper?”
“Really good. My brother, Rowan, should be back from Portland in a few months. I swear it seems like everyone’s finally coming back home.”
“Because everyone’s graduating,” Tanner points out.
Piper gives him a sweet smile. “You want the usual?”
“Please.”
She stares at him a beat too long before turning to me. “What about you?”
“I’ll have whatever the big guy’s having.”
Her mouth presses into a line a second before she turns to put in our orders, and I lift an eyebrow. That was … interesting. Does Piper Harvey have the hots for my guy?
Tanner pulls out a stool at the counter, so I take the one next to him.
Only a handful of people are here right now, some I recognize, some I don’t, but if the last day has taught me anything, it’s that nothing here has changed.
Come four o’clock, the booths will be full.
Sunbury isn’t exactly a large town, but with the high school let out and the oldies grabbing their afternoon tea, the place turns into bedlam.
I try to avoid the curious stares being sent my way, and I’ll bet that ninety percent of the people here are looking at me, waiting for me to seize out. This slimy feeling oozes down my spine, and I press my lips together to stop from telling them all to fuck off.
“What are you thinking about?”
Tanner’s soft voice makes me smile before I even see his face, which of course makes me smile more. “Just … looking.”
“Eh, it hasn’t changed much,” he mutters.
“Change is overrated.”
He gives me a wry smile. “So why’d you do so much of it?”
I start at his direct question, but he doesn’t sound mad. More … resigned. “Should I apologize?”
“Never to me.”
I give his shoulder a little push, retracting my hand before it gets too comfortable there. “So why are you asking?”
“I wanna get to know you again.”
“Sweet thought.” I need to deflect before this gets too personal. “Want to tell me what we’re having?”
He chuckles. “A burger and fries. Plus a large coffee. With cream.”
I cringe, which makes Tanner laugh. “Hey, Piper,” he calls. “Can you make Roo’s a black?”
Her gaze flicks between us. “You still call him that?”
“Of course.”
She screws up her nose with a friendly laugh. “I thought you would have left the pet names in high school.”
I feel rather than see the way Tanner tenses. “Now where’s the fun in that?”
“I’m only saying …” She walks closer, coffees in hand, and gives Tanner a look I can’t decipher. “People will start talking again.”
“Eh. Screw people.” He lifts his coffee to his mouth, and I let myself watch his lips … his throat … for approximately two seconds before I turn my attention to my own drink.
“Sure singing a different tune to high school,” Piper says.
Tanner glances at me out of the corner of his eye, but my attention quickly shifts to Piper.
“What are you talking about?”
I don’t like the way Piper’s eyes light up. I’ve seen that look plenty, right before she launches into gossip, but when that gossip has to do with Tanner?
“You never told him?” She turns to me. “The swim team used to give Tanner shit.”
“Yep, thanks.”
“Since when?” I ask.
“Since always.” She shrugs like it’s common knowledge. “Let’s say there were a lot of slurs thrown around about you two. I’d find Tanner crying sometimes.”
He scoffs. “I never cried.”
“Well, close to it.”
They start to bicker, but my stomach drops. Tanner used to cry? How didn’t I know that? Sure, we’d get teased sometimes about being together, but it was mostly ribbing from our friends or from assholes we didn’t know. He never, not once, mentioned his team.
When our burgers come out I still feel vaguely sick, and seeing how familiar Tanner and Piper are, finding out she knows things about him that I never did …
none of it helps. I barely put a dint in my burger, but I force those fries down like I’m on a mission, anything to keep my mouth full so I can avoid their conversation.
More people I remember from school or around town come in, and they all seem genuinely happy to see me, which is a complete load of shit.
When I was last here, it was always pitying looks or vaguely hidden disgust. In a town like Sunbury, where everyone is so normal, the slightest things set me apart.
I was the boy who had seizures.
And as those seizures ramped up, I was the boy who wet himself.
Then the boy who had to wear a fucking diaper, just to switch out one form of embarrassment for another.
When I became the boy who needed brain surgery, suddenly people realized the shit I was going through wasn’t an ongoing joke. “Oh, that Royce Williams had another episode today” went from being a quirky amusement to sympathy currency.
Then I became the boy who left town.
I was never just me.
Not to anyone but Tanner.