Chapter 15
Tanner
Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.
I wish I could blame the alcohol for my idiotic move, but I only had two beers last night. With all his talk of trying things out with someone I trust, I’d tested the waters with him and got my answer loud and clear.
I don’t think he’s ever scrambled away from me faster. Trying not to dwell on it too much, I go back to scrubbing the shower, taking all my anxiety out on this tiny apartment. It’s past lunchtime, and I want so badly to go in there and wake him up, but I’m scared of what he’s going to say.
Will it be awkward?
Will he gently remind me that just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he’s into me?
Oh God, will he want to leave?
I drop back to sit on the wet tile and lean my head against the wall. I’m a mess. Since when do I have a complete meltdown over someone I’m interested in?
Then again, none of those people were Roo.
I can’t lose him.
And if that means keeping things the way they are, I’ve gotta respect that.
Maybe we need to go back to that bar? I can start off slow by dancing with a guy, maybe making out with one. I don’t have to jump in all at once.
Still, Roo’s lips under mine was the single greatest feeling I’ve ever experienced. There’s no way some random hookup can live up to that.
“What are you doing?”
I let out a startled noise as I look up and find Roo leaning against the doorframe. “Finally awake, huh?”
God, he looks adorable. I try to ignore it, but I can’t. His hair is a mess, and one freckled cheek is red and covered in lines from his pillow. He stifles a yawn, and by the time his gaze lands on me again, I’m grinning.
“There’s no way you’re still tired.”
“Someone woke me up late.” He pushes down the toilet lid and sits on it. “Isn’t your ass getting wet?”
I cringe. “Yeah, it’s not pleasant.”
“In the right circumstances it is.”
I laugh. “Eh, maybe I’ll find out someday.”
For some reason that surprises him. “You’d want that? I mean, in my experience most guys jumping into experimenting with men want to top.”
“I haven’t given it much thought. Like you said last night, if it’s the right person, I don’t think it would matter much to me.”
Maybe it’s something I need to think about, though. Then again, if it was Roo, the answer would be a solid yes to anything he wants. I’d have some hard limits, but him fucking me wouldn’t be one of them.
Oh God. My chest flutters.
“You kissed me last night,” he whispers.
I immediately drop my head. “Ah, yeah, sorry. I didn’t think …”
“You’ve kissed me hundreds of times before, but never on the lips. Were you drunk?”
“No.” I scowl, then realize he was probably giving me an out. But he’d pick a lie from a mile away. “You were going on about finding someone I trust to test things out, and …” I force myself to look at him. “I trust you.”
He doesn’t know what to say. He opens his mouth, then quickly closes it again. “What … what does that mean?”
“I dunno.”
“Well, you should probably come up with something.”
And now I’m freaking him out again. Perfect. “Look, it’s nothing you need to worry about. Forget I said anything.”
He slides off the toilet lid and kneels next to me. “Sorry.” He takes my hand. “That came out wrong. I want you to tell me whatever you’re ready to. That’s all. But no matter what, no matter what, I’m always here for you.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Of course.”
I lean closer to him, terrified I’m about to fuck everything up, but I’ve never not trusted him before. So I’m not about to start now. “I meant that if there was anyone I wanted to try stuff out with, it’d be you.”
His eyes have lost all hint of sleepiness, and now he’s on full alert. “You want to …”
“I dunno, maybe?”
“With me?”
“Who else?” I laugh, and it lessens some of the tension in my chest. “Is that really so unbelievable? I trust you more than anyone, and if I say no, you won’t take it personally.
If things happen, you know where my experience is, and I know you won’t think differently of me if I’m shit at giving head. ”
“You know you, umm, need to be attracted to the person you’re trying stuff with, right?”
“Have you seen you? That won’t be a problem.”
His eyes widen. “I’m trying to be realistic here. Yeah, we’re close, but it’s always been platonic. You’re going to see my dick, and not just in a locker-room-type scenario. It’ll be hard, and you’ll be touching it, and …”
He trails off as I start to tent my sweatpants, but what does he expect when he’s talking like that? The image of holding his hard cock is driving me crazy. I try to laugh off my reaction as I adjust myself, which really doesn’t work when you’re free-balling. “I guess that’s your answer.”
“Okay.” His voice is shaking.
“Okay.” I reach over, planning to pull him closer, but Roo stands.
“Not right now. You’ve only been thinking about this for a few days. Give yourself some time to get used to it, and then we can … you know.”
I’ll take it. As much as I want to make a move on him now, I also know it’s probably smart to think about it while I’m not insanely turned on.
I don’t blame him for not taking me at my word, because even with all this male curiosity I have going on, I’ve always been kinda straight.
I mean, well, totally straight as far as I was concerned, but I couldn’t fool my body.
All those times I caught myself staring and couldn’t explain it? Yep, I was checking out dudes’ butts.
And now I watch Roo’s as he walks out the door.
I scramble to follow him.
The thing is, it’s becoming very clear to me why Roo doesn’t have an issue picking guys up. He might resemble a vicious little kitten at times, but he’s confident, his freckles draw attention, and he has an ass that makes even me sweat.
And it’s not like I haven’t seen his dick before, but I’ve never looked.
I wanna look. And maybe touch. And I can barely believe I’m having these thoughts about Roo, but now they’ve started, I can’t turn them off. I watch as he moves around the kitchen, making coffee, lean body fitting so perfectly into my space that I can’t drag my eyes away.
My smile splits my face. “Hey, Roo? What do you say to a slow kangaroo?”
“We’re not doing this.”
“Hop to it.”
His groan is so loud, I hear it over my laugh.
“Where do kangaroos like to eat?”
“I’m not playing this game.”
“Close.” I pinch my forefinger and thumb together. “iHop.”
He yanks out the cutlery drawer, grabs a fork, and points it at me. “One more, I swear to God.”
I mime locking my lips, and just as Roo thinks it’s safe to lower his weapon, I pluck it from his grip, toss it in the sink, and throw him over my shoulder.
“Tanner!”
“What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a donkey?”
His whole body slumps. “Kick-ass.”
I love it when he plays along. “Who do you call a lazy kangaroo?”
He reaches down and pinches my ass, so I do the same right back. And damn, that ass. I pinch it again, needing an excuse to touch him.
“On a scale of one to one hundred, do you have any idea how much I regret teaching you those jokes?”
I laugh, and his body slides along mine as I set him back on his feet. Even though he’s perfectly capable of standing on his own, I hug him to me anyway. Because I can. Because I’m still struggling to believe it.
It’s been a long five years.
“I don’t regret any time we’ve spent together.”
“Oh yeah?” His expression turns challenging. “What about the nights we’d be up, changing your sheets because your best friend was wetting the bed at sixteen? Or in sophomore year when those homophobic seniors threw a shake at us as they drove past? What about—”
I slap my hand over his mouth, not needing to hear any more. He licks my palm. I kiss his nose.
Did those moments suck? Yeah. Especially since even back then I wanted to fit in and be looked up to.
Would I change those moments? No fucking way.
Roo would never believe me, so I just smile and let him finish making his coffee, while the real answer circulates in my head.
All those moments and more?
Totally worth it.