Chapter 28
Roo
There’s sweet fuck all out there.
I hit refresh on the search bar, but when the page loads again, nothing has miraculously showed up this side of Portland, and the thought of a two hour bus commute each day is not fun.
Since Tanner said he’d leave with me, I’ve wanted to find a way to make this work.
He deserves it. We deserve it. And I know Tanner won’t be happy anywhere but here.
The thing is, I studied for years to become an electrical engineer and staying in Sunbury means giving that all up.
Tanner’s worth it. I mean, duh. My time spent pining over him triples how long I was at uni, but … is it so wrong to want ambition and love?
I laugh at how lame I sound, even to myself.
Maybe we could compromise though?
I open a real estate site and start searching for houses. When Tanner mentioned buying a place together, I refused to think about it because fuck that sounds a thousand kinds of perfect. But if that’s what he wants, let’s do it.
As I suspected there’s nothing in Sunbury except two apartments similar to the one we have now, which is fine, but Tanner specifically wants a house.
And there’s a couple between here and Portland. Nothing’s jumping out at me, and even if we moved halfway that’s still an hour commute for both of us, and after an all-night shift I don’t want Tanner to have to drive that far.
How the hell do I make this work?
Tanner loves Sunbury.
I love Tanner.
We both want the careers we’ve worked our asses off for.
The sinking in my gut is trying to tell me it’s impossible, but I can’t give up.
Time to call in the cavalry, i.e. Mom, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned about her, it’s that she makes things happen. There should be plenty of time to squeeze in a call before Tanner gets home and tells me how things went with his parents.
I bookmark a few houses that look good between here and Portland, before I close the computer and mentally calculate the time difference between here and Sydney.
I imagine she’s up and getting ready for work already, and as the phone starts to ring, I push back the lingering guilt over not calling her more often.
“Royce, it’s about time!”
I laugh. “Hello to you too.”
“Hey, sweetheart. How is everything? All settled in?”
I called Mom when I first arrived to tell her how weird it was to be back, and we’ve texted back and forth a few times, but I haven’t shared as much as I normally would. Because when it comes to me and Tanner, Mom’s never held back her thoughts. “It’s … I think things are good.”
“You think?”
“Well, you know I’m never exactly optimistic and peppy about things, but yeah. I’m happy.”
“And you know that’s all I want from you. So, figured out how long you’ll be staying?”
“Ahh …” Looks like we’re getting straight to the point. “I, maybe, might be staying.”
“Roy—”
“No, I am. I am staying.”
There’s a pause. “Because of Tanner?”
And that’s why I didn’t want to say anything. “Yes.”
“Royce …” In one word she reminds me of all the years she’s spent dealing with my Tanner obsession as she calls it.
I can’t blame her, my fixation on him in high school wasn’t exactly healthy, but things are different now.
Well, I still love him maybe more than anyone, but now that things are actually possible between us, I’m not sick with want every time I look at him.
“Before you get started, I know what you’re thinking.”
She hums in a disbelieving way.
“I know you’ve always had high hopes for me, and I get it, but the thing is, I don’t need some big city life.
I don’t need to travel and be constantly on the move.
And I’m glad I’ve taken the last few years to try things out, because it’s helped me be more sure than ever, that all I want is Tanner and whatever kind of life we can have together. ”
She lets out a long breath, and I know she’s disappointed.
I know she’s fighting to stop from telling me that I’m not thinking logically, and that’s fine.
I know I’m not. But if I could choose between spending a year experiencing more of Europe, or hiding away in this basically forgotten town, it’s no debate.
I’m not going anywhere.
“How is Tanner?” she finally asks. Because as much as she worries about me, she also loves him.
“Great. Just as amazing as ever. We’re … I mean, we haven’t exactly labelled it, but we’re together.”
“Together?”
“Yes. As in he loves me too and we’re living together and things are amazing.”
“Royce.”
“Nope. No negativity allowed.”
She sighs. “All I’m saying is that you would both do anything to make the other person happy. Are you sure this is what he wants? You said he’s never even entertained the thought of being with a man, but here he is, suddenly ready to settle down with you?”
“Mom …” I groan.
“I love you. I just want you to be careful, and try to think clearly for a moment. The only reason Tanner let you go the first time is because he knew you needed the surgery. I’ve never doubted you both love each other, but there’s a difference between platonic love and romantic love and I’m worried that poor boy is getting confused. ”
My fist clenches on my thigh. “I’m not going to be an asshole because I know you’re doing your mom thing, but I am going to remind you I’m an adult, and neither of us is stupid.
” I’m so done with people seeing Tanner that way.
“I’ve heard your advice, I know you’re worried, but I have to do this.
I’m not taking advantage of him wanting me to stay, and he’s not trying to manipulate me into being here.
Is it really so unbelievable that I could be finally getting what I want? ”
“Lower your voice, I hear you.” She lets out a short laugh.
“I want this to work out as much as you do, hun. I love that boy, and I love you. Nothing would make me happier than to see you both together again, I only want you to be careful. You get so easily caught up in him, I want you to promise me you’ll make sure to build your own life too. ”
“Fine.”
“Good.” Her tone softens. “I have to leave for work in a moment. You okay?”
“Of course I am.” Just feeling a little drained. “I really love him, Mom.”
“I know you do. And that’s what has me so worried.”
“Well … you’re going to love this then.” I catch my lip with my teeth, suddenly unsure this is the time to mention it. “I’ve been looking at buying a place.”
“Well, that’s great—”
“With Tanner.”
“What?” She cuts off and when she talks again, I can tell she’s forcing her calm, management voice.
“You’ve been back there a month. Buying a house with someone is a stressful process.
Why don’t you wait? Just enjoy the relationship a little longer and make sure things are good before you move ahead on something like that? ”
“Your advice to me is always to wait. And yeah, you’re usually right. But you weren’t right about time helping me to get over him, and sorry, but you’re not right about this one.”
“Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to let you make your own choices when they’re not ones I’d make for you?” She groans. “Fine. How much do you need?”
As much as I’d love to hit my parents up for the down payment, I know Tanner would never go for it. He’s way more ethical than I am, and he’s proud of the money he’s saved so far.
“Actually …” I cringe. “Nothing. We’re going to buy a shithole and do it up, and Tanner will see that as an accomplishment or some shit. I don’t know.”
“We have the money.”
“I know that. But this is me being mature.”
“Well … okay.”
“What I did hope you could help with, is reaching out to your contacts and friends who are still around here and see if they know of anything that will come up for sale in Sunbury. There’re a few places out of town, but Tanner moving doesn’t feel right, and if I’m honest … I don’t completely hate it here.”
“Did I see a pig fly?”
I smile. “Yeah, it snuck up on me too.”
“Sure, I’ll ask around, and hope like hell this all works out for you. I love you so much, Royce.”
“I know, Mom.” I roll my eyes and smile. “I love you too.”
We hang up, and I feel so much lighter after getting it all out there. But I was right that Mom wouldn’t hold back her thoughts. And they were hard to hear.
Because some of them might not be too far from the truth. She’s oddly astute, my mom.
And even though the main point of our conversation was to find somewhere for Tanner and I to live happily and forever and all that shit, my cynical brain only latched onto one key part.
That Tanner would do anything to make me stay.
That somehow I’m influencing this sudden bi awakening, and not in a good way.
I push the dumb thoughts away because I refuse to let them take over my rare happiness.
Unfortunately, it might be too late.