Chapter 8
Rowan
The first thing I see when I wake up is the photo Circus has posted of the two of us. I stare at it for longer than I should. At his round shoulders and all that smooth brown skin. It’s a side-on shot of him, but even in profile I’m more drawn to him than I’ve ever been.
I clench my jaw and close out of the photo.
Now he’s forgiven me and this job is done, there’s nothing tying us together anymore. I can officially move on.
That thought should fill me with optimism; I have my forgiveness, will get a huge payday, and can leave Sunbury. Maybe I can even live the life I’ve always wanted for myself.
But while the whole idea of moving away seems appealing at first thought—freedom, anonymity, complete agency over my life—Sunbury has always been my home.
I thought that once I had my forgiveness I’d be done. I could run back to Portland and put all this behind me.
There’s still something missing though.
So Circus asking me to leave and never come back … I don’t know if I can.
I throw my phone on the bed and change into some running gear. There are no gyms in Sunbury which means staying fit, you know, until I leave, will take more effort than it used to. And I didn’t work for years on building this muscle just so I can waste away now.
My grandma calls out to me when I reach the bottom of the stairs. “I’ve cooked breakfast, honey, come and eat.”
And has she ever. Hash browns, bacon, eggs, sausage, and a buttload of sides. I swear sometimes she forgets she’s not cooking for a whole diner anymore.
“Sorry.” I kiss her on the head. “I’m just heading out. Save me some and I’ll eat when I’m back.”
“Okay, but it won’t keep well,” she warns me. “Where are you going?”
“For a run. I need to stay fit.”
She gives me a sweet smile and pats me on the back. “Yes, you have to keep looking sharp. You need to find a nice girl soon. Thank goodness Leita gave me great-grandbabies, or I might never live to see the day.”
Somehow I keep my smile in place. “Be back later.”
I leave as fast as I can.
My jog takes me through the quiet residential streets of Sunbury, and I breathe in the clean morning air. It’s a different vibe than Portland, for sure. Leaving my apartment in the city at this time would have meant weaving my way through people on their morning commute.
I enjoyed living there. It was a change of scene.
But if I’m honest, this is where I belong.
I run down to the fairground and lap the large oval a couple of times, before heading back into town. My muscles are burning, and my shirt is stuck to my back with sweat, like it normally is after a good workout. I love the feeling.
“Rowan, hey!”
Speak of the devil. My oldest sister is sitting at a table out the front of Peg’s cafe with a few of her mom friends.
I smirk as I approach. “Supporting the competition? Wait until I tell our parents.”
She flips me the bird while she rocks the stroller beside her back and forth. “They do better coffee here, and it’s all organic.”
I gasp like she’s just told me she murdered someone last night. “You’re an abomination.”
Leita introduces me to her two friends while I duck my head under the stroller to see my nephew. His cheeks are bright, and he’s gnawing on some rubber thing like he’s determined to make it breakfast.
“He okay?” I ask.
“Teething.”
I nod like that explains so much. “Where are the other two?”
“Daycare. Today’s my free day.”
Since we were younger, Leita’s entire life goal was to become a mom and do all the Stepford Wives shit. Because of that, she refused point-blank to work at Harvey’s which meant Piper and I had to pick up the slack.
She and Piper have never gotten along, but some days I wish I could be more like Leita. She doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her.
“I’ll come around this week and take my nephew out. Then you’ll have an actual free day.”
“Perfect! I’m in desperate need of a workout.”
I laugh. “Why?”
“Because Laurie has worked all week, and the gym in Port Welling doesn’t have a childcare.”
I smile in pity, like I know all about it, and then glance over at the person coming out of the cafe.
As soon as he sees me, Circus pulls up short.
“Rowan.” He tilts his head my way and keeps walking.
I watch his back, focused on the dolphin-print shirt, fighting every stupid reason my brain comes up with to go over there.
I don’t want this to be it. I don’t want one scratchy, barely polite version of my name to be the last thing he says to me.
“Gotta go.” I duck down again to kiss my nephew on the foot, then jog after Circus, determined to catch him.
I’ve barely rounded the corner onto O’Connell Road, when I stumble to a stop. He’s right there leaning against the wall next to his bike, like he has all the time in the world.
“Ah, hey.” Not what I wanted to say to him, but he makes my brain stupid.
“Following me?” There’s the slightest teasing hint to his words that I’m not sure if I’m imagining.
“No, just … out for a jog.”
“Carry on, then.” He waves his hand the way I was headed, calling my bluff.
I’m about a second away from just leaving, when I remind myself I’m not chickenshit. “Actually, I wanted to know how the shots turned out.”
He narrows his eyes a little, and I know he doesn’t believe me, though I can’t imagine why when I literally pulled that from my ass. “Good.”
That’s all he’s giving me? Sheesh, don’t make it easy or anything. The conversation turns stale, and I know the smart thing to do would be to leave and put him behind me, but I don’t want to. Because with him, I’ve never done the smart thing.
All those Sundays in church when I should have been paying attention, all those years of high school where I should have been focusing on studying and playing ball, instead I was too busy working out how we could be friends.
And all those days during senior year where I should have been hanging out with the people I’d been close to for years, instead of sneaking off with the guy I couldn’t stop thinking about.
My issues ran a lot deeper then, but even now I’m struggling to accept who I am.
And if I’m still not ready to pursue something with a guy, I should keep running.
But Circus makes me want to be ready. He makes me want to beg him for another chance.
Even though I know he’ll never give it to me.
So instead of being smart, I ask, “Can I come see them?”
He scowls. “I told you I’d take your face out, and I have.”
“That’s not what I …” I shake my head. “I just want to see how they’ve turned out.”
I watch as his eyes slowly drop from my face, down my sweaty shirt to my legs, and a shiver rips down my spine. I’m expecting him to say he’ll send them to me or that I can wait until they’re online. So I’m caught off guard when he agrees.
“Tonight. Bring dinner with you.”
Then he grabs his bike, swings one leg over, and heads off down the street.
My hands are shaking.
I think of the implications of taking dinner to his house and being there alone while we look at photographic evidence of our day yesterday.
I’m getting ahead of myself.
Even if I was thrown into a porn-like situation with Circus, there’s no way I’d follow through with it.
I’d bet Circus has had guys and girls after him his entire life, and with the pick of the bunch, why would he want some inexperienced loser like me?
After what I did, there’s no way he could ever trust me again. I have no right to these thoughts about him, and I wish I had enough self-control to turn them off and move on.
I remind myself it’s what I need to do.
My brain reminds my common sense to kindly fuck off.
I can’t escape my nerves all day. It was like this at the burger house yesterday while I was working. At least then I had a constant stream of orders to keep me busy.
Dinner is a bigger thing than it should be too. Do I go buy something? Grab takeout? Jesus, I don’t even know what he likes.
I bite the inside of my cheek as I grab my phone and hover over my sister’s number. She’s been working at the diner for years, so surely if anyone knows what people eat around here, it’d be her.
But … that could also lead to questions I don’t want to answer. And I have no idea how Piper would react if she found out I was gay. She’s had the biggest crush on Tanner since school and then a few months back he shacked up with his male best friend.
It sort of puts a damper on things.
Maybe I can approach this a different way. Tanner has always been friendly, after all.
This phone call is going to be awkward, but no less awkward than asking Piper.
He answers straightaway.
“Hello?”
“Ah, hey, Tanner?”
“Speaking.”
“This is Rowan Harvey.”
“Oh, hey, man, what’s up?”
The immediate warmth in his tone makes me sure he’s never heard the story about what I did, which again makes me wonder why.
“I have a quick question, is this an okay time?”
“Sure is. I’m just going over kitchen plans with Leon.”
Leon … that dude for sure doesn’t like me. I’m not sure whether to follow through or quickly hang up, but I assume if I don’t make a big deal out of this, it’ll probably slip under the radar. Tanner’s a sweet guy, but he’s the last person to pick up on anything odd.
“Cool, I won’t keep you long. Just quickly, does Circus have anything he doesn’t eat in particular, or …”
“He’s vegetarian. Why’s that?”
“Just plans tonight. Thanks a bunch.”
“No worries, Rowan. Catch ya.”
I quickly hang up and breathe a sigh of relief. Okay, that went well. I think.
Vegetarian though, huh? Coming from a family whose idea of food is centered around protein, this is going to be a hard one.
I grab my phone and have a look through a few options, before settling on a vegetarian pizza. Grandma makes the best pizzas I’ve ever tasted, and I know it won’t take much to get her help.
The problem is, do I want it?
Am I okay with going to her and asking for help to cook a pizza for a man I literally can’t get out of my head?
A man whose body was pressed up against me yesterday, making me want things that are sinful in her eyes?
Again, I’m left at that junction between family and being who I really am.
And I still have no idea which side will win out.