Chapter 9
Circus
Icould pretend to be out. That’s totally a normal thing that normal people do when they invite people over for dinner. Right?
Why did I invite him over?
I’m not opening that can of worms.
All I know is that last night when the loneliness kicked in, I’d been tempted to grab the bottle of scotch from the top of the cupboard that I have reserved for next month.
And I don’t want to be that kind of guy.
That scotch is strictly for the anniversary of Mom and Dad’s death. The one day a year where I let myself cry and get completely written off.
It’s not for me to have a pity party.
Besides, tonight will be all about sharing the photos we took together, and then when the fifty K hits my account, I’ll give him his money and he can go.
Easy.
I’ll look at it as a goodbye.
The one we never got.
Uh-oh. My thoughts are going there again. To that wistful place where I imagine how we might have been if he’d stayed.
But he didn’t and he’s not, and that’s the end of that.
Man, I need that drink more tonight than I did last night.
I grab my Magic 8-Ball instead and give it a shake.
“Should I call tonight off?”
Given I don’t have Rowan’s number I’m not sure how that would work, but hey, wishful thinking?
Cannot predict now.
Well, fuck you very much.
Since when do sentient objects give you sass?
My doorbell sounds, sending my gut into a spin. Apparently the few hours since I saw him this morning haven’t been enough notice for my nerves because now they’re going haywire.
I drop my head back and try to school my face back into that I-don’t-actually-care expression I’d managed for most of yesterday.
Then I head out to let him in.
I try to look bored even as I picture him all tall and sexy, with that wiry hair that constantly makes him look like he’s just been fucked. Even when it’s as sweaty as it was this morning.
Scratch that: especially when it’s as sweaty as it was this morning.
But when I pull open the door, I’m hit with a totally different sight.
“Surprise!” Leon says, holding up a six-pack of beer. “I felt bad about leaving last night, so I decided to stop by and thought we could order takeout.”
No, no, no, no, no.
He doesn’t wait to be invited in, which isn’t something that has ever bothered me before but suddenly does now.
“This is a surprise.” I smile, baring all my teeth, and he laughs.
“I thought you’d be happier to see me.”
“I didn’t think I’d be seeing you at all.”
I trail after him toward the kitchen, where he puts the beer in the fridge and pulls one out. “You want?”
“Not right now.”
He shrugs and opens the screw top with his forearm. Then he grins at me. Widely.
He’s being weird.
I can’t quite work out why, but he doesn’t make a move to do anything other than watch me while he sips from the bottle, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say he was waiting for something.
“What’s going on with you?” I ask suspiciously.
“Nothing at all. Just wanted to spend time with a friend. Oh—” His eyebrows shoot up like he’s just remembered something, but it’s not convincing. “You didn’t have plans, did you? Shit, and here I’ve gone and started drinking and everything.”
Busted.
But how does he know?
“Who told you?”
“Told me what?”
I eye him, trying to work out if he’s still shitting me or not, when my doorbell rings again.
His smile widens. “Better get that.”
Fucker. Oh yeah, he knows.
And I don’t know what game he’s playing by showing up, but I don’t like it.
When I open the door, and this time Rowan is the one standing there, I suddenly decide that Leon being here is a good thing.
A very good thing.
Maybe even the best thing to ever happen to me.
Because dear God, Rowan looks sexy.
I eye the pizza box he’s carrying.
“What’s that?”
Maybe asking him to bring dinner was a dumb choice because I forgot to let him know about one tiny thing. The fact I don’t eat meat. And knowing Rowan, that thing is going to be packed with animal carcasses.
I step aside and wave him down the hall, not bothering to warn him about Leon’s presence. If the way he eyes me when he walks past is any indication, it’s probably better he thinks I invited Leon anyway.
The less connection he thinks there is here, the better.
Tonight is going to be fine.
I see the exact moment Rowan realizes we have company. His back tenses and he glances back over his shoulder at me.
“Leon,” he says, forcing a friendly tone.
Leon crosses his beefy arms over his chest and forces one word out on a grunt. “Harvey.”
Wow. Tonight is going to be a riot.
“Well, it’s a good thing I made a large,” Rowan says, dropping the pizza box on the counter. He starts opening and closing cupboards at random, making himself at home. It’s a weird feeling to have anyone over, let alone two people both equally trying to look more relaxed here than the other.
I have to hold back a laugh.
“So, you two, how was the shoot yesterday?”
Rowan’s hand slips from the cupboard door, but he quickly hides his fumble.
“It was fine,” I say. “So nice of you to stop by for the viewing.”
I catch Leon’s eyes, and he does that grin where his lips don’t move under his beard, but his eyes crease up at the edges. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
Total pain in my ass, I swear.
Rowan starts dishing the food onto three plates. “Did Circus tell you it was me?”
“Nope. He put up a photo yesterday, and since I follow that account, I realized it was you straightaway. Not many people in Sunbury with full sleeves.”
Rowan’s face pales. “Maybe I shouldn’t have …”
“Relax, no one in this town knows what I do,” I cut in. “Leon’s the only one, and it’s because we know everything about each other—”
“Everything.” He pins Rowan with a look.
“And,” I continue, “he won’t say shit. Will you?”
For a rough-looking guy, he pulls off angelic well. “Wouldn’t dream of it. After all, Rowan’s leaving town soon enough.”
Rowan’s relaxed expression is long gone. His shoulders are drawn in a tight line, and he slowly closes the pizza box with such care, I swear it’s taking up every last brain cell. “You told him?”
“He tells me everything,” Leon says, taking another dig.
“Everything …” Rowan repeats. “Let me guess. You know about prom.”
“Is there something to know?”
I groan loud enough to cut them off. “You guys are pissing me off. Now put your dicks away and let’s look at some photos.”
Leon stalks over and grabs a plate, looking like he’s just won or something, while Rowan actively avoids looking at both of us.
And I don’t know why I feel guilty, but the hollowness in my gut is hard to shake.
On his way past, Rowan pushes a plate into my hands. A huge slab of pizza and fluffy, light garlic bread. I look closer.
“Is this vegetarian?”
“Well, I’m not going to force you to eat meat, am I?”
Nope, not looking into it. I’m not going to focus on the fact that somehow Rowan took the time to find out what I eat and then clearly cooked it from scratch. Because this is no fast-food pizza. It looks a little like the kind they sell at Harvey’s but … better.
It reminds me of the brownies he used to bake and bring on our outings after I mentioned once, at a church bake sale, how good they were.
Or the stupid letters he’d sneak into my backpack after I mentioned a girlfriend did it once and I thought it was kinda cool.
Only unlike the girlfriend, his letters weren’t full of lyrical prose about how in love with me he was.
His were all fart jokes and random thoughts that popped into his head.
I kept them all.
Until I was going through my old room before I sold the house and found them again.
I set every one of those bastards on fire.
It was clearly an emotionally stable year for me.
“Mmm, this pizza is good, city boy.” Leon takes another large bite.
“You’re welcome, sasquatch.”
Leon catches himself before he can laugh, but I’m feeling a bit disconnected from them.
It’s weird having people in my house in general.
But I can’t help wondering what tonight would have been like if Leon wasn’t here. I glance over at Rowan, and he quickly looks away.
Awkward. That’s what it would have been.
I sit down and open my laptop. It’s already hooked up to the TV I never use.
“Okay, I’ve edited most of them, but I still have some to go, so any that still have your face in them, don’t stress. I know what I’m doing.” I keep my voice as flat as possible.
I hit Play and settle back into the couch.
I’ve spent hours going over these images. Hours of looking at me and Rowan together and trying not to replay any part of yesterday. It was just another shoot. Just another job.
The photos are all out of order now, mostly showing the sequence I edited them in.
And they’re hot.
Especially the ones in my studio where we’re sharing the same sun lounger.
I can feel the way Leon keeps glancing my way, watching my face with each new shot, so I school my features to be neutral, viewing the photos in the analytical way I do when I edit them and not focusing on how they make me feel.
Because that’s way too confusing to consider with this kind of attention on me.
The next picture flicks up, and Leon’s choke quickly dissolves into a laugh. “Someone was having fun.”
Oops, didn’t edit that one. In my defense, I didn’t think I needed to check for massive boner shots when it was just Rowan and me going through them.
And those swimmers do nothing to hide the very prominent outline.
I’d photoshopped enough of his erections out of the pictures yesterday that I’d needed to jerk off when I was done.
I quickly check Rowan’s reaction. I can’t read him from the side. “Well, if you know what I did to Circus back in the day, I guess you know why. So you’re one of three people who know I’m gay. My reaction shouldn’t be much of a surprise.”
I almost choke on my pizza. That’s the first time I’ve ever heard that word from him. Even with all our conversations about how much he was struggling, even with all the lust-filled looks he threw my way, he’s never come out and called himself gay.
Leon suddenly looks uncomfortable. “Yeah, well. If it helps, I’m not in the business of outing people. You don’t need to worry about me.”
Rowan nods, not taking his eyes off the screen. “Cool, well, I’ve seen enough of myself for one night.”
I’m hit with the strongest urge to get him to stay. What I do though is watch as he jumps up and rinses his plate, then puts the remaining pizza in my fridge.
“All right, I’m off. Circus, could you send me one or two of those? Preferably sans raging hard-on. Thanks, man. Night, Leon.”
Then he’s gone so fast I can’t even answer him.
We’re quiet until we hear the door close.
Leon lets out a long breath as he leans forward and sets his plate on the coffee table. “I hate to say it, but he makes a good pizza.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I overheard Tanner on the phone and put two and two together.”
“So you came over.”
“I know you.” He pins me with his most brotherly look. “I care about you. And I know you don’t have limits when it comes to him. So while I want to say sorry for showing up here, and I sort of feel like a dick, I’m worried.”
“I don’t know what you think is going to happen.”
“You’re telling me if he’d tried to kiss you tonight, you would have stopped it?”
“Yes.” No. And I hate myself for it.
“You don’t need to lie to me. All you need to say is, ‘Leon, I’m a pathetic little man who has no control when it comes to Rowan Harvey and his dick.’”
“Ah, but it’s been years since I’ve seen his dick.”
Leon snorts and taps my laptop, bringing the image back on screen. “Bitch, I’ve seen his dick after looking at that picture. And I swear to God if little dudes like you two were my type, even I’d want a piece of that.”
“Little?” I zoom in on Rowan’s chest. “You call that little?”
“Eh. He’s got nothing on the men I fuck.”
“You scare me.”
He laughs and shoves my face. “Real talk. Do you want to fuck him?”
There’s no point lying to Leon. “I don’t know how to answer that.”
“Why? It’s a simple question.”
“Is it though? Like he said, there are three people who know he’s gay, and those three guys were sitting in this room. That’s a lot of baggage. And the last thing I need is another broken nose.”
“Hey, I’m not saying I ship it,” he says, holding up his hands. “All I asked about was sex. You don’t need to date the guy.”
That’s true.
“Maybe before he leaves, you two need to get your freaky shit on, and then you’ll both have the closure you never got.”
“I want to say that’s not a terrible idea, but I’m very worried it is.”
“Okay, well, you make the call. Do you want me to keep cockblocking you? Or just let this train wreck play out?”
“Why are you assuming it’s going to be a train wreck?”
Leon hooks a thumb over his shoulder. “Because news flash. Rowan? Still a mess.”
“Yep, no arguments from me. But we both know I’m a bit of a mess too.”
He reaches over and slings an arm around my neck, then presses a whiskery kiss on my head. “Just warn him, if he messes with you again, I’ll break his scrawny ass in half.”
“Mmhmm.” I hold back my smile. “You’re a big, bad wolf. We’re all so scared.”
Leon hangs around for a while and watches a movie before he leaves. I’m itching to check my social media the entire time, but he’s put a hard ban on me touching my phone when we’re together.
So the minute he’s out the front door, I pull out my phone. I have a deposit notification for the fifty thousand, minus my manager’s fees, which means the brand must have already started sharing some of the images. I log into my account.
My suspicion is correct.
They have.
And that shit is going crazy.
And because I have zero self-control, I might as well throw gas on this fire.
I go back to the kitchen, pull out the pizza box, and put mine and Leon’s used plates in front of it, along with two half-empty beer bottles.
Then I snap a photo.
Dinner and nights in with him.
This time, I even add a love heart.