Chapter 12
Rowan
Every time I’m with Circus, we go somewhere different. Who would have thought that Oregon had so many cool sights to see? He seems to know all the areas that have the best light, or the best backdrop, and I’m slowly slipping into that place where he occupies my mind ninety percent of the time.
Which isn’t great when I’m working the grill at Harvey’s or helping Grandma out in the kitchen.
The difference now though is whenever those thoughts come up, I don’t immediately push them out. Instead, I try to remind myself that it’s normal, there’s nothing wrong with who I am and who I’m attracted to.
And I’ve always been attracted to Circus.
His confession on Crown Trails left me reeling and opened up a whole load of questions about what life would have been like if I’d stayed here. Would we have gotten through it? Would I have ever come out?
I know that both of those scenarios are unlikely, but I keep torturing myself with them anyway.
Still, knowing that things could have been different makes me more grateful for the time we have now.
He’s been loosening up too. Less of the tense anger directed at me and more smiles, more casual touches even when the camera isn’t on us.
The problem is though, Circus only wants to meet up once or twice a week, take a range of photos, and then he posts those over the next few days.
I get it. This whole thing isn’t real, and the more pictures he takes, the more interactions, and the more followers … all that stuff.
He’s smart about the way he runs his brand or whatever, and by packing as much work into a day or two as possible, he frees up the rest of the week for whatever else he has planned.
Those plans just don’t happen to involve me.
I’m halfway to Leita’s place when my phone starts to ring, and Circus’s name shows up on the screen. I’m not proud of how quickly I hurry to answer it.
“Hey, what’s up?” I ask, definitely not hoping this call is for us to hang out or anything like that, because I know what’s up with us. I’m not deluded.
“The weirdest thing just happened …” His voice sounds distracted.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. I was sent a box of clothes for us. The brand didn’t even give my manager a heads-up which is strange. I’ve never heard of the brand, but … their clothes are pretty sweet.”
“Awesome. I’m heading to my sister’s, but I can come over once I’m done. It’ll probably be a couple of hours though.”
He doesn’t answer right away. “What are you doing there?”
“Babysitting my nephews. My brother-in-law works long days, so I watch the kids once or twice a week so she can head to the gym in Port Welling.”
“Well … do you want company?”
My gut flips with the offer. This is the first time since I’ve been back that Circus has actively requested we hang out, and it has nothing to do with his work. At least, I’m assuming it doesn’t. He’d have to know I wouldn’t let him post pictures of my nephews online.
“I’d love that.” Maybe I should have asked Leita first, or told him just to wait until I came around, but considering I didn’t think I’d get to see him at all today, I got ahead of myself.
“Cool. I’ll ride over.”
“You need an address?”
He laughs. “You’re back in Sunbury, princess. I know the place.”
We hang up and I jog the rest of the street to get to Leita’s place, wanting to make sure she has the heads-up before he gets there.
“I thought you’d never show,” Leita says, grabbing her workout bag the second I’m through the door.
I smile. “I thought Piper was supposed to be the impatient one?”
“Only on my good days. Now, you’re okay? There’s lunch ready in the fridge for when they get hungry.”
I strap the baby carrier to my chest. “I got this. But, ah …”
She narrows her eyes at me. “Ah, what? Please don’t tell me you need me back early …”
“No, nothing like that. Just, you remember Circus?”
“Yeah. I know Circus.”
“He was going to come over too, if that’s okay?”
She laughs. “What, are you guys friends again?”
“Ah, yes?”
“Aww, that’s cute. I know Dad didn’t like him, but he made you less of a dumbass jock when he was around.”
“Well, eff you very much.”
“Uncle Rowan!” My nephew comes tearing out of the living area and slams into my legs.
“And that’s my cue.” Leita ducks out the front door before anyone has a chance to stop her.
“Okay, Jase, ready to go outside?”
By the time Circus arrives, I’ve got baby Blake in the carrier, and I’m kicking a ball to Jason and Levi. Circus slows his bike, then lifts the camera slung around his neck and takes a photo.
“No posting that,” I warn him when he’s close enough to hear me.
“Fucking duh.”
“And no swearing.”
“Oops. I forgot that’s a thing with kids, isn’t it?”
“Most of them.”
We kick the ball back and forth a few times, then head inside to feed the boys. Jason and Levi sit at the table stuffing their faces like the ravenous monsters they are, and Circus watches on while I give Blake his bottle.
“I want that,” he eventually says.
“Want what? To feed him?”
“No, kids. Lots of kids. I want a big family someday.”
I study him for a moment, but his gaze doesn’t shift from Blake. “Does that mean you’ll end up marrying a woman?”
Circus scowls. “What the—what? No. I don’t know who I’m going to marry, but I won’t be choosing based on reproductive parts. This isn’t The Handmaid’s Tale, you creep.”
I laugh. “But wouldn’t it be easier that way? Man, if I could be attracted to anyone I wanted, I would definitely choose to fall for a woman.”
Circus slowly lowers himself onto his stool, and this time I have his attention. “Is that how you think it works?”
“Doesn’t it?”
“Well, you tell me. How does it feel when you meet someone you’re instantly attracted to? Or even someone who you grow an attraction to over time? Do you go out looking specifically for someone to meet a certain criteria, or does it just happen?”
“It just happens.”
“It’s exactly the same for me, man. Sorry to break it to you, but I can’t force myself to fall for any one gender, just like you can’t force yourself to be straight.”
I sigh and pretend to be checking the bottle. “I’ve tried, you know. To be straight.”
His lips flatten. “I’m not surprised. And how did that go for you?”
“Not … well.” I cringe when I remember the massive shit fight I left behind in Portland. Walking away was the right thing to do, but I probably could have handled ending my relationship better.
“Sorry, I guess. I still don’t think you should be trying to change who you are, just to make other people happy.”
“You’ve made your thoughts on the whole thing very clear.”
My tone makes it obvious the conversation is over.
And as much as I’d be happy to sit here and talk about anything with Circus, there are only so many times I can rehash how my family feels.
I’m trying, so hard, to leave all those bad thoughts and negative images behind me.
I’m trying to shake the voice. But every time I’m reminded of why those thoughts exist in the first place, it brings them back stronger.
I want to enjoy my time with Circus, without the homophobic thoughts poisoning it.
We spend a couple of hours at Leita’s, before we walk back to my place to get my car. Thankfully no one seems to be home, or at least not around to question where I’m going and who with. I strap Circus’s bike to the roof and drive us both back to his place in the forest.
I still can’t get over the size of it.
The big family thing sort of explains why he’d want so much room, but surely when partners and offspring come into the equation, he’ll be looking to move back closer to town.
I wasn’t joking when I asked him if he got scared—that wall of glass overlooking the valley is exactly the sort of setup a serial killer would love to exploit.
When we get inside, I grab a glass of water and follow Circus into the studio. There’s a large box on the floor with a whole bunch of colorful material spilling over the top.
“What is that?” I ask, holding up a tie-dyed tank top.
“Mine.” He snatches it from me. “I’m sure there were matching shorts in here somewhere.” And true to his word, he pulls out a pair a moment later.
“You’re going to wear those?”
“Hell yeah, they’re awesome.” He pulls his shirt over his head, putting all that warm brown skin on display for me, before pulling the tank top on. And of course, if anyone can pull it off, it’s him.
The rest of the selection follows a similar kind of hippy theme. Beads and tassel vests and earthy colors.
“Here.” Circus hands over a brown leather vest and flowy animal-print pants.
“You’re shitting me, right?”
“Definitely not.” He crosses his arms, and I don’t know when he changed his shorts, but I am sorry I missed it. “They’ll look hot.”
Hot? Well who am I to be arguing with that? He doesn’t let me pull on an undershirt, so my chest is on full display, and I’m hyperaware of the way Circus shamelessly drinks me in as I strip. I might even flex accidentally-on-purpose to really give him a show.
“In the chair.”
I do as I’m told, relatively used to this by now. He fusses with my hair and starts to roll up a bandana that he wraps around my head and ties at the back.
“I look like I’m wearing a sweatband.”
“That’s the point.” He circles me, fussing with my hair some more, and when he steps directly in front of me, leaning forward so he can make the thing sit right, I’m swamped with his scent. Something manly and spicy that makes me want to lean forward and press my nose into his chest.
“Okay, that’s good.”
“How have your posts been going this week?”
“Good. Loads of people still asking when I’m going to show your face. They’re starting to think you’re butt ugly.” He throws a grin my way. “Not far from the truth.”
I pat the back of his head. “We both know you think I’m hot as fuck.” I’m only joking, and I fully expect for him to tell me to piss off, but …
“I guess I can’t deny it, when it’s never been a secret.”
Hmm … hello. That’s a massive step up from pain in the ass, so I’ll definitely take it.