Chapter 11
Circus
Ikick at the dirt, wondering how long I should give him before I decide he won’t show. There’s still five minutes until our agreed meeting time, but if he wanted to be here, he would be already. So I figure a minute past is a hard limit.
Because I’m an understanding kind of guy.
I inhale the smell of damp forest and wallflower just as a car turns onto the road leading to the parking lot. I want to be disappointed he showed up.
I’m not.
I nod in acknowledgment like meeting with an ex-friend is all totally cool and how I normally spend the weekends.
Crown Trails is busier today than it normally is during the week, and with the arrival of spring, more people from across the state drive up here for a day out. There’s a park with benches and grills for families to use, right before the entrance to a few different trail heads.
“You’re early,” he says, jumping out of the car and throwing a backpack on. He’s wearing the same hat he was the other day, and his eyes are bright in the shadow from its brim.
“Are you going to tell me what we’re doing here yet?” I ask as he locks the car and approaches.
“Figured we could take a hike. For old times.”
I’m confused. “I’m sorry, are we friends again? Why the hell would you think I’d want to do that?”
He leans in and I hurry to back up a step. “Because we’re fake dating, remember? Should probably get shots of us doing things together.”
Did I take a knock to the head? Rowan heads for the path, and I scramble to follow him. “Fake dating?”
Am I hearing this right?
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. But first, usual spot. Then I’ll tell you my plan.”
The usual spot? Of course he wants to take me to the one spot in all of Crown Trails that I actively avoid. I’m also not loving the familiarity in his voice.
Rowan walks ahead of me, and as I watch each step, I’m transported back in time to when he was a little shorter and a little leaner and his arms were free of ink.
He throws a smile back over his shoulder, and it’s exactly the same smile as the one that, back then, I would have done anything for.
Not today, Satan.
We’ve walked this path so many times together that even all these years later it’s instinctual. The way one of us will pause to let the other pass when the path gets narrow, or the steep inclines we help each other over.
And then we reach the lookout. It’s mostly overgrown with shrubbery now, but there’s still a rocky ledge where we used to sit and flirt and talk about the dumbest shit, just so we could be together.
During senior year, that was literally all I ever wanted.
Rowan sets down his backpack and sits on the left of the ledge, hanging his legs over the side.
Do I join him and try to recreate whatever kind of something he’s clearly pushing for?
Or do I keep my stubborn ass over here and pretend like I’m totally unfazed.
Because this complete time warp is doing nothing to clarify my feelings for him.
I stay standing.
Rowan lets out a short chuckle when he sees me cross my arms and lean back against the rock wall. “Fair enough.”
“Ready to talk yet?”
He unzips his backpack and pulls a container from inside. If that’s what I think it is …
Brownies.
So he’s not here to play fair, then.
“I should never have forgiven you, you know.”
“I know.” He catches my eyes. “I still haven’t forgiven myself, if that helps? And after spending a good part of my life regretting what happened, I can promise it’s not something that will ever happen again. Not that I expect you to believe me.”
“I don’t.”
“Good. You’re still smart.” He turns and looks out over the valley below.
Smart is debatable. Academically, I’m okay; emotionally, I’m an absolute dumbshit, because while I stand here and watch him, I’m trying to justify moving closer.
It’s not like it would hurt anything, right?
And I’ve already said I forgive him for what happened. If there’s anything Mom taught me it’s not to offer forgiveness lightly, because once it’s given, you lose all rights to throwing that thing back in their face.
I remind myself of Leon’s advice. Maybe I do need to fuck this thing out of my system.
Given Rowan is still closeted, I know that shit is unlikely, but maybe his advice is close?
Maybe I just need to give myself permission and see where this shitshow leads.
After all, at this point is it even possible to be any more emotionally screwed up than I am already?
At least this time I have the heads-up he’s leaving.
That reminder is the excuse I need to move forward and take the place beside him.
Let’s burn this thing to the ground, shall we?
I grab a brownie, and it’s possible I’ve forgotten how good these bastards are, or maybe Rowan’s gotten even better at cooking since I last had one, but the chocolate melts in my mouth.
“Oh God. Am I drooling? I think I’m drooling.”
“Can confirm there’s no drool.”
I nudge the container toward him. “Well, go on. I can’t be the only piggy out here.”
“Nah, they’re all yours.” He pats the tank top over his toned stomach. “With no gym in Sunbury, I have to keep an eye on this.”
I consider offering to keep an eye on it for him. Or his ass? I could definitely keep a close eye on that. See? I’m a generous guy.
“Is that how you got so ripped? The gym?”
“Yep, I love working out.” He flashes me a quick smile. “Good to see you noticed.”
“There was a lot I couldn’t help noticing about you the other day.”
“Yeah, and you were so impressed, you let people think we were dating.”
“Total marketing move.”
“As long as you believe that.”
And like, I’m 99 percent sure he’s messing around, but I’m also low-key worried I’ve been that obvious. “Well, I’m not the one who said they have a deal.”
“Ah.” He shifts a little. “Yeah, that. So I’ll begin by saying this was a completely random thought, but I actually think it would work out for both of us.”
“Listening.”
Rowan turns, tucking a foot under the leg still hanging over the cliff wall, and faces me. “Like I said the other day, I don’t want to go anywhere.”
“You’re going back on your word. I’m shocked.”
“If you still want me to leave after I’ve said my piece—” He takes a deep breath. “—I will. That was our deal, and thanks to us getting paid extra, I’m set up to do it.”
It’s my turn to shift. Us getting paid more? Total lie. But the last thing I need is more money, and he could clearly use it. Anything to get him out from relying on his family.
“And what makes you think you can change my mind?”
“You said you’ve been getting a lot of attention because people think you’re dating some mystery dude, right?”
“Him. Yes. Total heartthrob, who I’m apparently madly in love with.”
“Well, that wasn’t always untrue.”
“Lucky I refined my judgment.”
Rowan slides the tray of brownies away—rude!—and shifts a bit closer. “You know, I lost count of the number of times I almost kissed you up here.”
Whoa. I swallow. “If you’d given me even the smallest sign, I would have mauled you like a bear.”
“Noted.” He reaches across me, and I almost suffocate on air as he reaches into my pocket and pulls out my phone. He leans his weight onto one arm behind me and lifts my phone with the other. “You’ll need to shut that pretty mouth of yours.”
He’s right. Gaping is not a good look. I play along, because what the hell, tilting my head so he can press his face to my shoulder. The hat completely covers him.
Rowan takes the photo and hands my phone back.
“I thought you didn’t want any more photos?” I ask cautiously.
“That’s my deal. You be okay with me staying, and I’ll give you whatever sort of boyfriendly shots you like.”
Oh, that’s so, so tempting.
I ended up deleting the photo I posted of myself last night because all people wanted to know was where my boyfriend was. That’s not the kind of attention I’m interested in, but if I give the people what they want …
“I thought you were worried about your family finding out?”
“Oh, man, I’m terrified of that. But the thing is, I can deny it. Tell them I’m just taking the photos to make some cash, and I have the bank balance to prove it. They still won’t be happy, but at least they won’t be worried for my soul.”
I purse my lips. “Still not planning on coming out, then?”
“I guess one day, when my grandparents move on and my parents get older, I might try it out then. But the little voices in my head are hard to shake.”
“And have you? Tried to shake them?”
“Are you asking if I’ve hooked up with anyone?”
I cringe. “You know what, I’m not sure I want to know.”
“Relax. There have been a couple of weak moments in clubs, but other than that, I’ve kept it securely in my pants.”
“That sounds fucking tragic.”
He doesn’t look at me as he manages a sad smile. “Yeah, I know. And the shitty thing is not being able to talk to anyone about it.”
“But you’ve obviously come to terms with it? That you’re gay?”
“Yeah. It took a lot of time. I went to a meeting for a conversion therapy group, talked to people about how it worked, and met with some guys who had successful experiences. I didn’t end up going through with it, but that was me at my darkest. Then I saw a psychologist for a little while.
She helped me get to the label and said a lot of gay men grow up with the same issues I have.
” He pauses, looking awkward. “And I talked about you a lot. She’s the one who suggested that maybe I needed closure in order to move on. ”
“Did it work?”
He looks at me, stare tracing my features. “I don’t know yet.”
It’s a good reminder that this thing between us ended for a reason. As much as I want to throw out all the hypotheticals of what might have been, the only certainty is that Rowan never would have come out, so it never would have worked.
He clears his throat. “What did you mean the other day? About apologizing for the wrong thing?”
Ah, that. A moment where I completely lost my mind and shared more than I should have. I’m about to brush aside the ridiculousness of it all when I glimpse his serious face. “Just …” I swallow. “It was never my nose I was angry about.”
“What—”
“You left.” My voice gets louder than I mean it to. “And how fucked-up is that? I was ready to forgive you, that exact second, for what you did, but you left before I could. You cut all ties, and I … I thought I’d never get to see you again. That’s the part that hurt.”
Rowan doesn’t answer. I have no idea how he’s processing my reaction to this huge event he’s had hanging over his head for half a decade, but I can’t find the emotional energy to be any more real with him than I already have been.
He shakes his head. “You wanted me to stay?”
“I did. At the time. I guess that’s what stupid teenage hormones do to a guy.”
“Yeah. I guess.”
“Well, it doesn’t bother me either way now,” I say, forcing a happier tone. “I’ve got myself an on-demand boyfriend without benefits, and you get to stick around here.”
Rowan’s smile looks forced. “Without benefits? Damn, hey?”
“You can talk big all you like, but we both know you’re not ready to put your money where your mouth is.”
His shoulders slump. “True.”
And he looks so dejected, I can’t help but reach over and give his thigh a quick squeeze. “One day things will be different.”
Rowan’s large, tattooed hand covers mine. “God, I hope so.”